Probably nothing has been written about as much as the relationship between... And in the Orthodox context too. Or maybe - especially in the Orthodox context.

It seems to me that there are some nuances in Orthodox relationships between men and women that are not entirely correctly understood by both sides. Therefore, some often blame others (some out loud, some mentally). I constantly come across publications by Orthodox authors who somewhat aggressively affirm male dominance. Let's just say this is only partly true. Let us together trace through the Scriptures God's plan for man and woman.

So, for the first time we meet with the will of God about man and woman in (see: 1: 26–29), where God commands the human family to be fruitful and multiply and have dominion over the beasts. There is not even any talk of any hierarchy here yet. Because in the beginning it speaks of creation person as a phenomenon, and then about the division of this phenomenon. As he writes: “In God’s idea man, one might say - man as a citizen of the Kingdom of Heaven - there is no distinction between husband and wife, but God, knowing in advance that man would fall, made this distinction.”

Eve is as much a helper to Adam as Adam is a helper to Eve. Helper - in the knowledge of God through one's neighbor

In the 2nd chapter of the book of Genesis, we learn more about the creation of man: Adam was created first, Eve the second - from Adam’s rib, as a “helper like” Adam (cf. Gen. 2:20). Some are inclined to see hierarchy in the fact that Eve is Adam’s helper: since she is a helper, that means Adam is in charge. However, in order to more correctly understand this place, you need to ask the question: what did Adam need to help with? Of course, in Genesis there are words that Adam had to cultivate Eden and keep it (see: Gen. 2:15), but it is naive to believe that Adam and Eve, according to God’s plan, were supposed to plow the land. “What was missing in paradise? – St. John Chrysostom notes in his interpretation of this fragment. - But even if a worker was needed, then where did the plow come from? Where do other farming tools come from? The work of God was to do and keep the commandment of God, to remain faithful to the commandment... that if he touches (the forbidden tree), he will die, and if he does not touch it, he will live.” In this light, it becomes clearer what “helper” means. As theologians say, Adam did not see one thing in heaven - man. And in order to improve, he lacked, among other things, to peer into another image of God, get out out of myself to look at the same creation of God. From this point of view, Eve is as much a helper to Adam as Adam is a helper to Eve. Helper - in the knowledge of God through one's neighbor.

When the Lord brought Eve to Adam, he said: “Behold, this is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she will be called woman, for she was taken from [her] husband. Therefore a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife; and the [two] shall become one flesh” (Gen. 2:23–24). The creation of Eve from Adam's rib also indicates not the subordinate state of Eve (this will be seen more clearly later), but the identity of their nature. For Adam and Eve to truly be one flesh, for this purpose the Lord uses not the earth to create Eve, as was the case with all animals and Adam, but a part of Adam’s body.

For the third time we witness the relationship of God with the human family after the Fall. After both Adam and Eve shift the blame for their sin onto the other, the Lord pronounces His righteous judgment. Here we need to listen carefully to the biblical text: The Lord “said to the woman: I will multiply and multiply your sorrow in your pregnancy; in illness you will give birth to children; and your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you. And he said to Adam: Because you listened to the voice of your wife and ate from the tree, about which I commanded you, saying: You shall not eat from it; cursed is the ground because of you; you will eat from it in sorrow all the days of your life; She will bring forth thorns and thistles for you; and you will eat the grass of the field; By the sweat of your face you will eat bread until you return to the ground from which you were taken; for dust you are, and to dust you will return” (Genesis 3:16-19).

Please note: God announces His judgment. Everything that is written in these verses is God’s punishment. That is, for a woman, the punishment is the grief of pregnancy, and the pain of childbirth - then logic does not allow us to stop - and the attraction to her husband, and the husband’s dominance over her. This new reading allows us to go back a little and understand that if the husband’s dominion over his wife is a punishment for the Fall, therefore, before the Fall, the husband did not dominate the wife, but they had full rights. As he says: “As if justifying himself to his wife, the man-loving God says: at first I created you of equal honor (to my husband) and wanted you, being of the same dignity (with him), to have communication with him in everything, both to your husband and to you. entrusted power over all creatures; but since you did not take advantage of the equality as O It’s false, for this I submit you to your husband: your attraction is to your husband, and he will possess you...

​Since you did not know how to boss, then learn to be a good subordinate. It is better for you to be under his command and to be under his control than, taking advantage of freedom and power, to rush along the rapids.”

In fact, in the New Testament, the apostle also exhorts women to submit to their husbands: “And you, wives, be subject to your own husbands” (1 Pet. 3:1). But here there is already another note, completely unthinkable for Old Testament relationships: “You, husbands, also treat your wives wisely, as with the weaker vessel, showing them honor, as heirs together of the grace of life” (1 Pet. 3:7). A woman is no longer perceived quite the same way as before, and the love of spouses is perceived more spiritually: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for her” (Eph. 5:25).

However, we see from the Gospel that these sublime relationships are not the limit that we must achieve, not God’s “plan” for man. We know perfection from the words of Christ, and it refers to the sacrament of the next century: “For when they are raised from the dead, then they will neither marry nor be given in marriage, but will be like the angels in heaven” (Mark 12:25). And the apostle says: “There is no longer Jew nor Gentile; there is neither slave nor free; there is neither male nor female: for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Gal. 3:28).

Inequality between men and women is God’s punishment, penance, and any penance is temporary.

So, we see that the equality of man and woman was violated by the Fall, while inequality is part of the relations of this fallen world, and there is no true love in it. This is God’s punishment, penance, and any penance is temporary and ends with permission from sin. In the Kingdom of God, where all sins are forgiven and forsaken, everyone dwells like Angels, differing from each other only in grace and glory, which the saints received for their exploits, and not at all by gender, title or anything other than earthly.

An analogy from ascetic works also comes to mind. Probably everyone remembers how the Monk Abba Dorotheos talks about the fear of God. He says that every Christian should have it, but the beginner and the perfect have it in different capacities. The fear of a beginner is the fear of a slave who is afraid of punishment. The fear of the average is the fear of a mercenary who is afraid of losing his pay. The fear of perfection is the fear of a son who is afraid of saddening his parent. In a sense, the woman in the Old Testament also shows obedience, like a slave. In the New - it is already more like a free person, having to receive a reward for this in eternity. And in the next century, he enters into the dignity of a daughter, like a man into a son, and renders true obedience only to the Father.

What follows from all these arguments? First of all, a warning to men. As a priest, I have seen a lot of men who believe that obedience is a feature of female nature, so they try to force obedience on their other half with words and sometimes with deeds. I have seen “Orthodox” bearded men who could kick their fair half in the teeth for their self-will. It is clear that such people cannot be brought to their senses; they simply need to be excommunicated from Communion until their brains fall into place. My word is to sane people. No need to put pressure on women! It's not easy for them anyway. Only God knows who will be higher in Heaven.

For disobedience, the grace of God departs from a woman. But men should also treat a woman as a crystal vessel.

Yes, women must show obedience, and, as Elder Paisius the Holy Mountain says, for disobedience, the grace of God departs from a woman. But in the same way, men should treat a woman as a crystal (“the weakest,” as the apostle says) vessel. If a man can say that he Always this is how he treats his wife - well, such a husband has the right to seek obedience. But I think that any man, hand on heart, will not find in himself unshakable condescension and patience, constant affection and responsiveness, which means there is nothing to demand holiness from others. As they say, learn to practice oikonomia towards yourself and you will learn how to practice oikonomia towards others.

Another very important point of obedience (regardless of anyone): obedience is true when it is carried out from the first word. That's what he says. If you have to repeat it a second and third time, this no longer has anything to do with the virtue of obedience. This is a demand, an urgent request, “nagging” - but not obedience. And this is so - among both monastics and laity, in relation to both children and adults. (This, of course, is not about if a person did not hear or understand.) Therefore, dear ones, if they do not listen to you the first time, then you need to think not about how to make a person obey, but about whether it is worth repeating the second time times (now I'm only talking about adults).

Third. As we noted at the beginning of the article, a man’s punishment is to “eat bread by the sweat of his brow,” that is, to earn money. In our difficult earthly conditions, sometimes it happens that a woman has to work alongside a man. (Let’s leave aside idle talk about the fact that work ennobles.) It turns out that not only does a woman bear a purely feminine punishment - the burden of pregnancy, childbirth and obedience to her husband, but she also has to “do time” for a man - work hard in sweat faces. It is clear that anyone can break under the weight of double punishment. I'm not even talking about the fact that harsh male punishment is not at all on a woman's shoulders. It is clear that a woman has her own work to do - and this has been the case from time immemorial. That's not really what we're talking about right now. The point is that in a normal everyday situation a woman should not work hard from eight in the morning to five in the evening. And from time immemorial, women were not included all the time, say, in field work. When a woman was needed - to help with the harvest or on some other special occasions - of course, she stood in line with the men, but outside of this emergency time she had her own specific field of activity. This area is the creation and maintenance of a family home, which in a sense is included in the notorious “your attraction to your husband.” This attraction prompts a woman to make such a cozy nest out of her home, when she comes to it her husband understands his family happiness especially keenly.

Therefore, if there is no other way out in the family (I mean the woman’s earnings), then the man should treat these conditions of existence, which are not specific to women, with the utmost understanding. And if the yoke of making money is thrown on both, then the yoke of household responsibilities should also be thrown on both, and not just on the wife.

Childbearing by itself doesn't save. And he saves when he leads a woman (and the whole family) to “faith and love in holiness”

And a few more words about the third factor in the family - children. Now there are a lot of speculative statements about the meaning of having many children in life, based on the words of the Apostle Paul’s letter to Timothy, that a woman “will be saved through bearing children” (1 Tim. 2:15). However, it is somehow forgotten that the main conditions of salvation run through the entire New Testament: the presence in a person of the spirit of love, humility, meekness, etc. They forget what is said after a comma after these words: “he will be saved through childbearing, if he continues in faith and love and holiness with chastity" (emphasis mine. - O. S.B.). That is, childbearing by itself doesn't save! This is not a ticket to the Kingdom of God. And it saves in the case when it naturally leads a woman (and the whole family) to “faith and love in holiness.” Due to a misunderstanding of these words, some mothers with many children consider themselves almost half saved and at the same time despise those with few children and those without children! It's amazing how the Holy Scriptures teach us nothing! It is enough to recall the Old Testament examples of the righteous Abraham and Sarah, the 20-year childlessness of Isaac and Rebekah, Anna - the mother of the prophet Samuel, as well as the New Testament righteous Joachim and Anna, Zechariah and Elizabeth, in order to understand from which channel this Pharisaic condemnation stems. From church history we see that the Lord equally blesses those with few children, those with many children, and those without children at all. John Chrysostom was the only child in the family. Basil the Great is one of 9 children. And in the family of John of Kronstadt there were no children at all, because he and his wife took a vow of chastity. And his feat is higher than involuntary childlessness, because living side by side with a woman, with his wife, and at the same time observe virginity and chastity - this is truly a stay in the Babylonian furnace! I think the monastics will understand me.

Therefore, let us beware of condemnation, brothers. Let us beware of cruelty and unmercifulness. Let us beware of everything that is contrary to the spirit of the love of Christ, and the Giver of this love Himself will abide with us forever.

The famous phrase from the Epistles of the Apostle Paul that a wife should fear her husband serves as a stumbling block for many Orthodox families. You can often hear a husband disparagingly address his wife: “You should generally be silent, afraid and obey.” At the same time, many women, mostly older, are faced with another problem: “Our family has become a church member, and I have been a leader for my husband for many years, so what should we do now?” For fear of not being in the first place in the family, Orthodox young people are often afraid to choose smart, educated girls as wives.

Three people, each of whom has their own experience in creating a small Church, shared with us their opinion on how the hierarchy in a family should develop, on the rights and responsibilities of husband and wife.

Archpriest Alexander Sorokin, executive editor of the magazine "Living Water":

Indeed, this apostolic reading is perceived differently by people. I remember one priest who, during the Sacrament of Wedding, when the time was approaching for the reading “Let the wife fear her husband,” began to ask the deacon to follow these words with the following: “Forgive Wisdom. Let us hear the reading of the Holy Gospel.”

There is an inadequate attitude towards this text, a misunderstanding of it. But it seems to me that it is very easy to answer the question of what is the meaning of these specific words, and in general the relationship between husbands and wives from the point of view of rights, responsibilities, how someone should treat whom, who should fear or honor whom, and so on further. To do this, you need to perceive this apostolic reading as a whole, without taking individual phrases out of context.

Yes, you can talk about the fear of offending your spouse, but only if you remember that the apostolic reading begins with a call to husbands: “Love your wives as Christ loved the Church.” And this is the first requirement, which also cannot be taken out of context. That is, everything is created in organic unity. Husbands treat their wives as Christ treats his Church. As Paul himself writes: “He gave Himself for her,” meaning that He offered Himself as a sacrifice, on the Cross, “even to death.” And this explains the wife’s reciprocal feeling - both reverence and fear of offending, and somehow offending, desecrating this joint shrine. This is the only way to understand these words.

Well, what about rights and responsibilities... You see, these concepts are rather legal, and it is no coincidence that in the Bible, in the Old Testament there is a key concept - “covenant”, which they also try to explain from the point of view of legal terms: as an agreement, an alliance, commandments, law. But the prophets of the Old Testament very soon realized that these categories lead us away from understanding the concept of “covenant”. Therefore, they began to use a comparison with marriage, in which we are not talking about rights and responsibilities in the legal sense of the word, but about such things as fidelity and the movement of hearts, love. And everything else - rights and obligations - are things attached, following from what the heart sees.

Mother Maria Ushakova:

For me, my husband is a guide, an example, although I have never heard a command from him: do it this way, in a Christian way, and not like that. There is cooperation between us, and every time I look at my husband, I think: yes, this is what I should do.

My family is, I hope, Orthodox, but not typical. I have three children, but I work two jobs, and my husband serves. I understand perfectly well that if I quit my job now, we will have enough food. But the children will not have the opportunity to study music, dance, or the German language - that is, I will not be able to develop them in the direction that, in my opinion, is necessary for a person capable of living in modern society.

We don’t have someone saying, “These are your responsibilities, and these are my responsibilities; I owe this, and you owe that.” I believe that the most important thing is to act out of love. My husband came tired - I’ll pour him tea, I came tired - he’ll pour me tea and feed me. Or there are dirty dishes standing around, but I’m not at home - he’ll go and wash them, and nothing bad will happen. And nothing will happen to me if today I earn more money than he does, and tomorrow he brings more. There must be love, and there must be constant co-creation.

In a family, the willingness to accept a person as he is is very important, not only now, when he is so wonderful, so beautiful, so loved, and so on, as happens when a relationship is just beginning to develop. But you need to try to understand whether you will accept this person and allow him to remain himself, and not try to build him the way you know better - because you, naturally, know better how he needs to be: like this, like this and so on; to cut your hair like that, dress like that, have such thoughts. There must be a willingness to accept your spouse and give him freedom of choice.

Archpriest Georgy Mitrofanov, Professor of St. Petersburg Theological Schools, Master of Theology:

We don't have many organic church families. For the most part, the leaders, namely church leaders, in the family are women. Churching began with them, and they bear a huge burden of responsibilities. Women's leadership is bad, in my opinion. It’s bad, because when a woman becomes a leader in a family, she begins to perform functions that are unusual for her, because it is not valuable in a family for a man or a woman to be leaders, but for both a man and a woman to perform their functions, because a man and a woman - different people, they have different purposes. And the burden of responsibility for the family should mainly be borne by the husband, and this is simply because they are different. When a woman starts doing this, problems arise, a showdown, self-affirmation: who is the boss in the family?”

This is a problem for many families, because when there is no such ontologically natural acceptance of this hierarchy - a man has his own responsibilities, a woman has her own responsibilities, and they complement each other - then constant problems arise. It is possible, of course, within the framework of Domostroi, to allow a husband to beat his wife with a baseball bat, and his wife with a rolling pin. But you can follow other paths, not constantly asserting yourself, but trying to restore the same hierarchical order that was given by God to the whole world, including the small Church.

You can often hear that husband and wife should be interchangeable. In certain areas - certainly yes, but not all. We must admit that there is a “specialization” from God of men and women everywhere, including in the family.

According to some Orthodox young people, a wife should not be smarter than her husband. I initially had the feeling that my wife was neither smarter nor stupider than me, she just had a different mind. And what attracted me to her was precisely the fact that her different mind could ultimately greatly enrich my understanding of the world, of life. I really wanted this person to complete me with his intelligence, and this was very valuable.

Many books teach us that the true school of asceticism is a monastery, and without asceticism you will not become a Christian, so go to a monastery and practice asceticism there. What is family? The unbridled passions allowed by the Church, and nothing more. But in fact, the family is a very good school of asceticism.

What is asceticism? This is self-restraint, obedience and people replenishing each other. When a Christian marriage begins to restore its God-given hierarchy, it naturally develops its own rights and responsibilities. Relatively speaking, a man should always give in to a woman in all the little things, but never give in in the main things, even if he risks making a mistake. The woman herself is interested in this, because deep down, any woman dreams of being next to a person on whom she can rely, who will take responsibility. Here the image of Christ and the Church is, of course, very significant. If we remember the wedding ceremony, it will help us here: in no case should we hope (and here, unfortunately, fiction played its ominous role) to marry for love.

There are no marriages based on Christian love, and not based on passions. Love is not the beginning of marriage, it is the crown of marriage. Christian love must be suffered, it must be grown into. A person must enter into marriage with the understanding that it will be constant self-restraint, self-deprecation, comprehension of another person in his weakness. And this traditional archaic family, based on hierarchy, and not on equality of rights and responsibilities, in which a man remains a man, a woman remains a woman, and a child remains a child, is the restoration of the world order that was destroyed in our universe.

It seems to me that a marriage where the spouses accept each other as they are will be fruitless. They should not accept each other in sin. Otherwise, they will only confirm each other in this very sin.

How did I suddenly realize that I needed my future wife? I watched the film "Unfinished Piece for Mechanical Piano", beloved by many. There was a scene when the main character Platonov begins to throw a hysteria, traditional for Chekhov’s heroes, blaming the entire world around him for his unfulfilled life, and runs away from the room, from this house. His wife runs after him. He falls into the water and cannot drown himself, and she immediately wraps him in the shawl in which she ran after him and says, “I love you, either way.”

Deep down, many feminized men have a need to have such a wife. But if I behaved like this, how would my future wife behave? I imagined, again by analogy with Chekhov’s Moscow Art Theater, that she, like Stanislavsky at a rehearsal, would shout after me: “I don’t believe it!” – and she wouldn’t run after me anywhere. And I would have stopped. And then I felt that there would be a person next to me who would constantly bring me back to reality in some situations; a person who will not give me peace, who will constantly point out to me my own weaknesses, but will do it in such a way that it will contribute to my development, and marriage will become for me the very school of asceticism in which I can develop.

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At that moment, when the boy and girl grew up and began to choose their life partner, it is considered the first responsibility of an Orthodox husband and wife. It is necessary to make such a decision after thinking carefully and slowly, since the church says that marriage should be one.

There is a legend about father Arseny and his daughter. The girl wanted to devote her life to serving the Lord, but her father blessed her for marriage. She chose a guy and came to her father. He also said that this was not her betrothed. Then she came with another one, but was again refused. For the third time, her mother chose a groom for her. The girl didn’t like him at all, and she thought that her father would also refuse.

He blessed her for marriage and said that even if she doesn’t love the guy, she doesn’t need to show it to him, and only with him will she be happy. The girl cried for a long time, but listened to her father and married him. A year later, the guy became her dearest and dearest, with whom she lived a long life and gave birth to 13 children.

What is family

The Church is increasingly saying that modern people do not understand the concept of family at all. They believe that its main goal is the birth of children. And the priests talk about this erroneous understanding, because this is the nature of the family, but not the goal.

Clergymen often say that a family is a small church, where there are certain responsibilities of husband and wife in the family. And the purpose of marriage is to embody Christian love. The beginning of which is taken on earth, and the continuation goes to the Kingdom of Heaven.

Family responsibilities

After the event, people receive a blessing from God to live together, have children and raise them in the Orthodox spirit, as well as share joy and sorrow in half. If we resist following these rules, we will lose God's grace.

The Apostle Paul also wrote that Orthodoxy identifies the duties of a wife as obedience to her husband, since he is the head of the family. She should be afraid to sin against her husband, not in word, not in deed, not in look. This is how it has always been in true Orthodox families: the wife obeyed her husband, and the children obeyed their parents. And there was order, peace, love and God's blessing.

But in addition to the wedding ceremony itself, there is also a debunking ceremony. To carry it out, you need quite strong arguments.

In addition to the family responsibilities of the wife and husband, there are certain ones that relate to God:

• love and loyalty to each other for life,
• birth and upbringing of children in the Orthodox faith,
• obedience by the husband to the Lord, since he is the head of the family and is responsible for it before God,
• a wife must obey her husband in everything.

Remember that it is never too late to have a wedding ceremony and remember that the most important thing is faith and following God’s commandments.

The Lord is always with you!

What attracts them to religion like flies to honey? Is it really so sweet for them to live in Christ?

To begin with, it would not hurt to repeat what scripture says about women. When creating the world, the biblical God first created man - the man Adam and only then, from his own rib, created his helper - his wife:

Life 2.22... And the Lord God made a wife from a rib taken from a man, and brought her to the man.

Created so that a person would not feel bad being alone:

Life 2.18... It is not good for man to be alone; let us make him a helper...

The Bible does not explain how this “not good” manifested itself. The first man's task was to protect and cultivate the garden. Perhaps Adam was not good at being both a caretaker and a gardener. No less interesting is the placement of accents. The husband is a man, the wife is a man's assistant.

The word “man” is nowhere identified with the word “wife” as it relates to the creation of the wife (Gen., ch. 2). We have to guess based on the context - maybe we are talking about a new, unknown animal? In fact, this is the first hint of female inferiority. Eve is not directly called a person, and she is not created for great things, but to help a person - her husband, which in those distant times was customary to assign to servants and slaves.

Thus, the idea of ​​gender inequality and male superiority appears in the Bible on the very first pages. Inequality was not created by anyone, but by the creator himself.

On the other hand, domestic animals - horses, cows, sheep, goats, dogs, cats and other creatures were created before women, but as can be seen from the text - did not correspond to the inscrutable plans for a helper like a person:

Life 2.20.... But for man there was no helper like him.

Therefore, finally, a woman was urgently created. According to the text of the Bible, it turns out that a woman is higher than animals, but still she is not recognized as equal to a man. The attitude towards a woman as a secondary being is constantly visible when carefully reading the Bible.

After Eve commits her first sin - eating the forbidden fruit, the fate of all women becomes completely worthless. No one is allowed to disobey the instructions of the creator with impunity. All the wrath of the Almighty and all the cones fall on Eve with divine generosity.

Among other punishments, none other than for excessive independence in the question “to eat or not to eat the forbidden fruit? ”, openly indicates submission to the husband:

Life 3.16... And your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.

What kind of equality can we talk about after this? The first three pages of the Bible lay the foundation for all subsequent inequality. Humanity is divided into men and women. For men, the goals are sublime and noble, for women, in light of Eve’s violation of the prohibition in the Garden of Eden, it is to incite men to commit sinful acts. Hence, there is no question of independence or dominance.

Women who are easily seduced require an eye - yes an eye. In addition, the axis of evil is also identified. This is formulated in the Christian thesis about a woman’s guilt, about her essence as the source of all human troubles. Although men take part in other sins on an equal basis with women, the instigator is always considered to be a woman. Here is what Christian authorities wrote on this matter:

“Don’t you know that Eve lives in each of you? God’s curse on your sex passes from century to century: the awareness of guilt must also pass. You are the devil’s gate; you are those who violated the prohibition and tasted the forbidden fruit; you are - the first apostates from the sacred law; you are the one who incited Adam to sin, from which the Devil himself apostatized.

You seduced a God-like man without a second thought. Your exile, which was tantamount to the loss of immortality, was the reason that God sent his only Son to die." (Tertulian).

“There is not a shadow of dishonor in a man endowed with reason; the same cannot be said about a woman, who is dishonored even by the reflection of the nature that lies within her.”

(Clement of Alexandria).

Based on what has been said, it is not difficult to understand what the church distribution of roles in the family will be, what will be the main family purpose of a woman, what sinful acts can be expected from a married woman and the possible measures to prevent this. One way or another, the above ideas have been diligently developed by Christians at all times, starting with the first apostles:

1 Cor 11, 3, 7-9

I also want you to know that the head of every husband is Christ, the head of every wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.

So, the husband should not cover his head, because he is the image and glory of God; and the wife is the glory of the husband.

For man is not made from wife, but woman is from man; man was not created for wife, but woman for man.

(1 Tim. 2:12-13).

But I do not allow a wife to teach, nor to rule over her husband, but to be in silence.

For Adam was created first, and then Eve;

But just as the Church submits to Christ, so do wives to their husbands in everything.

(1 Peter 3:1-2).

Likewise, you, wives, obey your husbands, so that those of them who do not obey the word will be won without a word by the lives of their wives when they see your pure, God-fearing lives.

The most amazing thing is that many Christian theorists were hermits, monastics, never married and never had intimacy with women. They could judge the subject from hearsay or purely speculatively, without having a single drop of personal experience behind them.

This did not deter them and they began to speculate on the topic of family relationships and the purpose of a woman. A famous fable describes what happens when a cobbler bakes pies.

Orthodoxy made an undoubted “contribution” to the creative development of Christian teaching on family and marriage. At the beginning of the 16th century, under Ivan the Terrible, Archpriest Sylvester wrote “Domostroy,” which set the tone for family relationships in Rus' for many years. These patriarchal Christian teachings describe in detail the fullness of the “happiness” of a married woman. A vertical of power is being built: God – husband – wife – children – household members.

The wife is constantly reminded of submission and obedience to her husband, her countless duties around the house are outlined, any activity “outside the home” is excluded, seclusion, downtroddenness, and humiliation are glorified; lack of independence is presented as good, tolerance to the point of blind submission is required, any expression of will is suppressed; In case of violation of the order, various measures of education and punishment are provided - from admonishment with fear to beating with a whip.

For different options, Sylvester declares male dominance. The division of responsibilities is so deep that there is no need to talk about the division of rights, since the woman is left with nothing.

And the wife of her husband listens and asks questions all day long... The wife is kind, and passionate and silent,... Teach her husband her wife... Wives ask their husbands about all decency, how to save the soul to God, and please the husband, and Build your house well and repent for everything, and whatever your husband punishes, accept it with love and do according to his punishment...

It is necessary to go on a visit and invite the exiled person with whom the husband orders... A wife should not eat or drink her husband’s secrets... Don’t ask your husband for your drink and food and treats and funerals of any kind and don’t give them yourself, and don’t keep other people’s things in your home without your husband’s knowledge......

Consult with your husband about everything, and not with a slave and not with a slave..... And the husband will see that the wife and the servants are dishonest, or not because everything is written in this memory, otherwise he would be able to punish his wife with all sorts of reasoning and teach if he listens and therefore do everything and love and reward, if the wife does not live according to that teaching and punishment, and does not do all this and does not know it herself and does not teach the servants, otherwise a wife deserves to punish her husband, and crawl with fear... but only the wife or son or daughter does not have a word or punishment, does not listen and does not heed, and is not a fighter and does not do what a husband or father or mother teaches another to lash with a whip based on guilt, but to beat is not taught in front of people in private...

And for pregnant wives and children, damage occurs in the womb and with a whip, with punishment, beat carefully, and reasonably and painfully and scary...

Church “wise men” would be happy to say so directly today, but this is completely out of step with the third millennium, when numerous legal documents, starting with the Constitution of the Russian Federation, proclaim and recognize gender equality, and even criminal punishment is possible for outright harassment. (Criminal Code of the Russian Federation, Art. 136). Therefore, the priests vaguely and casually drop a small forced clause about some kind of equality, “in the sense that...

" A normal person will never find meaning in “that sense” when the equality recognized on one line is methodically and purposefully refuted in the next line. After skillful manipulation of concepts and terms, such as: “Husband and wife are one, but not the same thing,” inequality immediately follows from equality. If in secular Russia it is dangerous to directly contradict the Constitution and laws, then in a disguised form, on the sly, a “promised land” simply opens up for verbal tightrope walkers in robes.

Here is what is written in our time in the “Fundamentals of the Social Concept” of the Russian Orthodox Church about gender:

Fundamental equality of dignity of the sexes does not abolish their natural differences and does not mean the identity of their vocations both in the family and in society.

In particular, the Church cannot misinterpret the words of the Apostle Paul about the special responsibility of the husband, who is called to be the “head of the wife,” loving her as Christ loves His Church, as well as about the call of the wife to submit to her husband, as the Church submits to Christ (Eph. 5. 22-23; Col. 3. 18).

A very ornate start. Like in that song: “And it’s not so much yes, and it’s not so much no.” It seems to be equality, but in fact biblical discrimination is proclaimed. After such a promising and ambiguous introduction, the Russian Orthodox Church repeats the main provisions known for thousands of years, carefully multiplies and supplements existing teachings with new ones.

Indeed, due to the rapid development of progress, many questions simply could not have arisen in apostolic times or in the era of writing Domostroi. So, in the 21st century, among Orthodox Christians, marriage is only possible with fellow believers (with the exception of several Christian denominations), divorce is not allowed, divorce is only permissible in cases of adultery and for some really important reasons.

Remarriages after divorce are not encouraged, family planning means a complete renunciation of intimacy (for example, abstinence, which occurs during fasting), for the childless, the maximum permissible is IVF (in vitro fertilization) only from the husband, any more advanced genetic technologies to overcome marital infertility ( such as surrogacy) are condemned as sinful.

Genetic diseases are considered the consequences of an unrighteous life and are regarded as a fair punishment:

“Terrible is the end of an unrighteous generation” (Wis. 3:19).

The intervention of geneticists with the aim of improving human qualities is not encouraged, since this is considered an intrusion into the creator’s plan, a violation of the divine plan of man, prenatal diagnosis is allowed only for treatment purposes, and not for making a decision on abortion, after identifying incurable diseases in the fetus, they are rejected organs and tissues for the treatment of diseases obtained as a result of abortions, only women should give birth to new people, even the thought of the possibility of cloning is rejected:

“A person has no right to pretend to be the creator of similar creatures or to select genetic prototypes for them, determining their personal characteristics at his own discretion. The idea of ​​cloning is an undoubted challenge to the very nature of man, the image of God inherent in him, an integral part of which is the freedom and uniqueness of the individual.”

Finally, this is how “old songs about the main thing” sound when performed by the Russian Orthodox Church. Any premarital relations are prohibited:

The Church cannot support those “sex education” programs that recognize premarital sex as the norm,...

Intimacy is permissible only in a legal marriage, since it serves for procreation:

Condemning pornography and fornication, the Church does not at all call to disdain the body or sexual intimacy as such, for the bodily relations of a man and a woman are blessed by God in marriage, where they become the source of the continuation of the human race

Avoiding pregnancy in marriage is a sin:

Intentional refusal to have children for selfish reasons devalues ​​marriage and is an undoubted sin.

If you happen to get pregnant, you must give birth, no abortions (however, the church provides for some exceptions):

Since ancient times, the Church has considered intentional termination of pregnancy (abortion) as a grave sin. Canonical rules equate abortion to murder. This assessment is based on the conviction that the birth of a human being is a gift from God, therefore, from the moment of conception, any encroachment on the life of a future human person is criminal.

After summing up all the Christian taboos, a woman is left with one biblical assignment: “... Be fruitful and multiply” (Gen. 1.28). Here is how it is said about it in “Fundamentals of the Social Concept”:

“The Church sees the purpose of a woman not in simple imitation of a man and not in competition with him, but in the development of all the abilities given to her by the Lord, including those inherent only in her nature.”

The ways to develop “gifted abilities” - to be an assistant to a person (Adam) - have already been clarified above. As for the “abilities inherent only in female nature,” this is clearly stated in the commandment about reproduction and fruitfulness. No one argues that a woman’s biological purpose is to give birth to children, that this is her difference from a man, but limiting the entire diversity of life to only one biological aspect, fencing off from the outside world, voluntarily abandoning all other ways for an individual to realize his or her potential - how many is this acceptable these days?

It may be objected to me that I have narrowed the church’s concept of the role of women and singled out one component from supposedly many. Yes, but this one component outweighs all the others many times over, is the basis of church doctrine, and determines, first of all, the real life of specific people. Other Orthodox teachings and discussions about women are candy wrappers and props, designed to divert attention from the main thing - a wife should always be subordinate to her husband, always powerless and always guilty.

Women, after becoming acquainted with all the “fairy-tale” prospects of Domostroevskaya life according to Christian concepts and traditions, should think carefully and decide whether such a fate will suit them.

We often do not attach due importance to the words that we meet in the New Testament: in the Gospel, in the Apostolic Epistles. And it contains an idea that completely changes the view of marriage, both in comparison with what was and in comparison with what has become. I'll try to explain with an example.

What is the relationship between the various parts and components of, for example, a car? There are many of them, a car is assembled from them, because it is nothing more than a collection of correctly connected parts into one whole. Therefore, it can be disassembled, put into pieces, changed or replaced as needed.

Is man the same thing or something fundamentally different? After all, it also seems to have many “details” - members and organs, also naturally, harmoniously coordinated in the body. But nevertheless, we understand that the body is not made up of an arm, a leg, a head, and so on, is not formed from a combination of the corresponding organs and members, but is a single and indivisible organism living one and single life.

So, Christian marriage- this is not just a combination of two “parts” - a man and a woman, to get a new “car” that does not care what is subordinated to what in it. Marriage is a living body, and such an interaction of members in which everything is in conscious interdependence and reasonable mutual subordination. He is not some kind of absolute monarchy in which the wife must submit to her husband, or the husband must become the slave of his wife. Orthodox marriage– and not the kind of equality in which you can’t figure out who is right and who is wrong, who should, in the end, listen to whom, when everyone insists on their own. And then what? Quarrels and altercations, who will win whom this time, even take out the saints (icons). And all this, over a long period of time or soon, leads to a complete catastrophe of the family - its disintegration. With what experiences and troubles!

Yes, spouses should be equal. But equality and equal rights are completely different concepts, the confusion of which threatens disaster not only for the family, but also for any society. Thus, the general and the soldier, as individuals and citizens, are, of course, equal, but they have and should have different rights. If they are equal, the army will turn into a chaotic gathering of people, unable to carry out its mission. And in a family, what kind of equality is possible so that, with complete equality of spouses, its integral unity is preserved? Orthodoxy offers the following answer to this vital question.

Relations between family members and, first of all, between spouses should be built not on a legal principle, but on the principle of a living organic body. Each family member is not a separate pea among others, but a living cell of a single organism, in which, naturally, there should be harmony, but which is impossible, where there is no order, where there is anarchy and chaos.

I would like to give one more image that helps reveal the Christian view of the relationship between spouses. A person has a mind and a heart. Just as the mind does not mean the brain, but the ability to think, reason and decide, so the heart does not mean the organ that pumps blood, but the very center of the human being - the ability to feel, experience, and animate the whole body.

This image - if viewed as a whole, and not individually - speaks well of the characteristics of male and female nature. A man really lives more with his head. “Ratio” is, as a rule, primary in his life. A woman lives more with her heart and feeling. But both the mind and the heart are inextricably linked with each other and are absolutely necessary for a person, and in a family, for its full and healthy existence, it is absolutely necessary that the husband and wife do not oppose, but complement each other, being, in essence, the mind and heart single body of the family. Both “organs” are equally necessary for the entire “organism” of the family and should be related to each other not according to the principle of subordination, but rather complementarity. Otherwise there will be no normal family.

Now the practical question arises, how can this image be applied to the real life of a family? For example, whether spouses should buy certain things or not. She: “I want them to be!” - He: “Nothing of the kind, we can do without them!” – And passions begin to heat up. What's next? Divide between mind and heart? Maybe tear a living body into two parts and throw them in different directions?

Christ says that a man and a woman in marriage are no longer two, but one flesh (Matthew 19:6), one body. The Apostle Paul very clearly explains what this unity and integrity of the flesh means: If the foot says: I do not belong to the body, because I am not a hand, then does it really not belong to the body? And if the ear says: I do not belong to the body, because I am not an eye, then does it really not belong to the body? The eye cannot tell the hand: I don’t need you; or also head to feet: I don’t need you. Therefore, if one member suffers, all members suffer with it; if one member is glorified, all members rejoice with it (1 Cor. 12, 15. 16. 21. 26).

But how do we treat our own body? The Apostle Paul writes: no one has ever hated his own flesh, but rather nourishes and warms it (Eph. 5:29). St. John Chrysostom says that a husband and wife are like hands and eyes. When your hand hurts, your eyes cry. When your eyes cry, your hands wipe away the tears.

Here it is worth remembering the commandment that was originally given to humanity and confirmed by Jesus Christ. When it comes to making a final decision and there is no mutual agreement, it requires that someone has the moral, conscience-based right to have the last word. And, naturally, this should be the voice of the mind and the need for the voluntary submission of the heart to it. This commandment is justified by life itself. We know very well how sometimes we really want something, but they tell us: “This is not useful.” And we recognize these words as reasonable and voluntarily submit to them. So the heart, as Christianity teaches, must be controlled by the mind. It is clear what we are fundamentally talking about – the priority of the husband’s voice.

But a mind without a heart is terrible. It depicts the famous novel by English writer Mary Shelley, Frankenstein. In this work, the main character, Frankenstein, is depicted as a very intelligent creature, but without a heart - not an anatomical organ of the body, but the ability to love, show mercy, sympathy, generosity, etc. Therefore, Frankenstein simply cannot be called a person.

However, the heart without the control of the mind inevitably turns life into chaos. Just imagine the freedom of uncontrolled inclinations, desires, feelings...

Thus, the husband, personifying the mind, can and should organize the life of the family (this is ideally, normally; in real life, other husbands behave completely crazy). That is, the unity of husband and wife should be carried out according to the image of the interaction of the mind and heart in the human body. If the mind is healthy, it, like a barometer, accurately determines the direction of our inclinations: in some cases approving, in others rejecting, so as not to destroy the whole body. This is how we are made.

Christianity calls spouses to such agreement. A husband should treat his wife the way he treats his own body. None of the normal people beats, cuts, or deliberately causes any suffering to their own body. This is the main principle of life, which most closely corresponds to what is called love. When we eat, drink, dress, heal, then for some reason we do it - of course, out of love for our body. And this is natural, this is how it should be done. The same attitude of a husband to his wife and a wife to her husband should be just as natural.