How to survive your husband’s betrayal without loss: what you should and shouldn’t do. Inveterate traitors

Our feelings are not always mutual. Or love can bring more suffering than joy. If you are caged by your own experiences, the best solution is to figure out how to let the person out of your thoughts.

This will bring you long-awaited relief and wonderful opportunities for a new life. The best way to help with this is the advice of a psychologist, which will be discussed step by step in this article.

Many people confuse the concepts of “letting go” and “forgetting” or “falling out of love” completely. The easiest way to understand this is to think about the literal meaning of “letting go.”

For example, they bought a balloon for a little girl. She was very happy with him and played with him for a long time. But soon she wanted to play with other toys. So she took the thread and let it go. The ball flew into the sky and became free.

In the same way, a person fixated on a burdensome relationship needs to switch to something else. But this does not mean that at this stage he will not remember about his loved one and will completely forget about him.

Letting go means stopping interfering in your personal life, trying to control and being aware of everything.
Start living your own life, without looking at the person you are thinking about
Enjoy freedom
Be ready for new love
Understand the lessons of the past
Forgive yourself and your loved one
Find harmony and joy from every new day

Why is this even necessary?

There is a category of people who do not understand why they should abandon a person. They firmly believe that with the necessary persistence and ingenuity, they can achieve reciprocity. To put it bluntly, force yourself to love. But this is a big mistake.

Let's say a person likes pineapples. But he is indifferent to pears or cannot tolerate them at all. And no matter how much you pretend that you are a pineapple, you will not stop being a pear. That's how the circumstances turned out.

But there are many people who, on the contrary, prefer pears to other fruits. So maybe it’s worth considering other options and finding a more suitable one?

Disadvantages of trying to hold on tighter to someone who is “not your own”:

No matter what actions you take, you will not be able to influence a person so that he will reciprocate.
Instead of the happiness you deserve, you only see self-pity, resentment, and dissatisfaction.
You are only prolonging your suffering. In the end, you won't be together anyway.
Because of constant encroachments, a person will begin to show disrespect for you and become irritated. You will be forced to humiliate yourself all the time.
As a result of such persecution, you will get upset nerves and a predisposition to depression.
You will lose interest in your own life, your goals and aspirations. If you continue in the same spirit, then dismissal from work, expulsion from the institute and other troubles are not far off.

Will this make you feel better?

Psychologist's advice: Relationships are what give us positive emotions, not what destroys us. You, like every living being, are worthy of love. You don’t have to go out of your way to please, or change your principles. A lot of people will appreciate you without it.

Why don’t you let go of thoughts about a person?

If you can’t forget someone, it means that person was very important to you. Your feelings for him are very strong, so your thoughts always return to him. Or the object caused you a lot of offense and disappointment. And now you have negative feelings towards him or even a desire for revenge for everything he caused to you. In any case, you should abandon unnecessary thoughts as quickly as possible. So that they don’t lie like a dead weight in your soul.

Case from practice:

Irina’s story: “For a very long time, thoughts about my former, beloved husband haunted me. We were together for 6 years, legally married for 3 years. The separation turned out to be very quick and unexpected. In just a month, his attitude changed a lot. All my attempts to please were in vain.

After which he left without really explaining anything. For 1.5 years I waited for him to return and say that he was mistaken and ask for forgiveness. But instead I found out that he married someone else and they were expecting a child. It was a real shock! I realized that I couldn’t handle it on my own.

The feelings never cooled down; I didn’t even want to look at other men. I decided to see a psychologist. I was very pleased with the result. After a few sessions, I became much calmer about the situation and was able to accept it.

Gradually I realized that life goes on and thoughts about my ex left me. Only a psychologist helped me start building new relationships.”

How to erase the person you love from your thoughts?

So, you understand the inevitability and importance of this moment. Congratulations, this means half the way has already been completed!

It will be very useful to be able to thank the person. Parting is not a loss, but a gain. The most important thing in life is experience. And you need to learn from this experience to find your mistakes and not repeat them in the future.

Even if you received only suffering and pain, do not despair. This is an opportunity to grow up, not get too attached to people, and learn to build harmonious relationships.

To say goodbye to a person correctly, it is important to do everything in stages. It is not recommended to skip any of the stages. Otherwise, what you missed will still come up, and the moment will not be the most appropriate.

Give free rein to your emotions. There is no need to try to drown out the negativity. You can cry, scream, get angry, sob. If you feel better after a large portion of ice cream, use this method too. Some people like to write down their experiences on paper.
After you come to your senses a little, move on to analyzing the situation. Let's face it. Do not try to embellish the situation and the person who has left. Write down all the advantages of this relationship in column 1, and all the disadvantages in column 2. And then think again, were they really that good?
Say thank you to your ex-lover for all the good things that happened. Sincerely wish him happiness.
Now there is no need to look for the guilty and engage in soul-searching. It will be easier to think through everything when you calm down completely.
Carry out a suspension. Throw away or put away all gifts and photographs that remind you of the past. Don't get carried away by melodramas and music about unhappy love. Change your phone number so you don't have to wait for a call. In short, delete the past.
Change your appearance. This also helps to psychologically adjust to a new life. Change your hairstyle, wardrobe. Take up exercise at the gym. Even if you are not overweight, it never hurts to tighten your figure. Plus, it boosts self-confidence well.
Think about how you could fill the emptiness within yourself. Something nice and interesting. A new activity, a pet, a book about relationships and personal growth. Don't isolate yourself, communicate more. If you can afford it, it's good to go traveling.
Learn to enjoy life again. Enjoy the little things. Make your wishes come true.
Plan your future life. The wish map stimulates well in this.
Now you can analyze the past with a cold mind. Reflect on mistakes and lessons learned.

After all the stages you will definitely feel renewed. And your pain will pass.

Different cases require different amounts of time for the entire process. From a month to a year. But the sooner you take this path, the sooner you can free yourself from the burden.

Important tip: Don't wallow in self-pity. Don't worry about how unhappy your fate is. How lonely you are. It is better to remember in difficult moments about those who are even worse. About orphans, disabled people, lonely old people.

Better yet, think about how you can help them alleviate their suffering. And then you will forget about your own pain.

Useful meditation

When you have to part with your loved one, thoughts naturally arise that you will never be able to love again. I just don't want to experience the same pain again.

But you don’t need to cultivate this opinion in yourself. After all, without love, life is boring and insipid. Instead, try a great meditation to help restore a healthy attitude towards love.

When you are alone and no one will disturb you, dim the lights and sit in a comfortable position.
Concentrate and close your eyes. Consider where your capacity for love may lie.
When you find the right place, fixate on it.
Imagine light emanating from this point in your body. Mentally direct it to your beloved pet or loved one.
If you did everything right, you will have a desire to do something good for the people around you. To those people to whom the glow was directed.

If you do this exercise every day, unnoticed by yourself, you will discover that the resentment inside will be replaced by genuine love for the environment.

Letting go from our hearts and thoughts

Can't you forget someone for a long time? This practice will help destroy even old connections and free yourself from negativity.

Go to a quiet place and make yourself comfortable.
Close your eyes and imagine the performance stage. On stage is a man who has caused a lot of suffering.
Now imagine yourself on a height above this person or floating in the air.
Focus on your offender. Imagine it in great detail, down to the smallest detail.
Feel all the sensations you feel for him as acutely and vividly as possible.
Then imagine what the connection between you looks like? Barely visible threads or thick rope? Or maybe a plastic tube? What do they connect? Chest, throat, stomach or neck area?
Visualize this state for a while.
Think about what personal character traits you and this person lack so that the relationship becomes less painful. Maybe patience, fortitude, self-confidence? Think carefully about all your options.
Now imagine how God or a guardian angel appears above the stage, who sufficiently possesses all the qualities.
Contact him with a request to give what is missing. Start imagining how you are filled with everything you need. Feel it very clearly, how you change from this.
Visualize how you convey the missing qualities to the person connected with you through the channel. Let it fill completely.
Then look at it again. Did he change after that? What exactly has become different: emotions, smile on your face, posture?
If necessary, talk to him. Surely he taught you a good lesson, taught you something new. Even through painful experiences. In any case, ask for forgiveness, even if he is more to blame for you.
Then imagine breaking the connection. How would you like to do this? With scissors or cut with a sword? Remember what you look like separately, free from each other.

How to let go of a deceased loved one

The death of a loved one is a real tragedy for those who have to deal with it. After such a blow of fate, it is not easy to get back on your feet and continue to live an ordinary life. Especially when a young person close to us or even a child dies.

Many cannot accept the injustice of what happened. There are people who are unable to come to terms with this situation even a year after death. Often they carry on an ongoing dialogue with the deceased, as if he were still alive.

Adviсe:

No one denies your difficult situation. But don't forget about common sense. Try to convince yourself of the need to return to life. After all, it has already happened, and nothing can be changed. Especially with tears and hysterics. If you stop being heartbroken now, you may undermine your health and psyche. But this won’t make it better, will it? Think about your surviving loved ones.
Often strong experiences haunt us when a person feels guilty before the deceased. Perhaps you did not behave very well towards him, were rude or not attentive enough, did not help when he needed it. But now nothing can be changed. And your suffering won't help matters either. Therefore, concentrate better on living people. Try to behave in such situations in a better way. Surely many of your close acquaintances also need help and support.
Think about it this way: I was not indifferent to him. Therefore, he would not like to see me in agony and sadness. After all, no one would really want to become the cause of suffering for a loved one.
Try to give all your strength to your work. A good way to improve matters and forget about painful thoughts. Because there simply won’t be time left for them.
Think that the deceased has gone to a better world. According to Christianity, the human soul is immortal, only the body dies. Pray for him. If this doesn’t help, talk to a priest. Ask all your questions. Don't hush anything up. Sometimes, to find peace, you just need to talk it out. Case from practice:

Victoria's story: “I never thought that such grief could happen in my life. My beloved son died at the age of 7 years. For a long time I couldn’t believe what had happened. It seemed that all this was not happening to me.

But the reality was monstrous. Life ceased to interest me completely, although other close people remained - my husband and eldest daughter. My husband signed me up to see a psychologist and literally forced me to go. To my surprise, I felt a little better after the first conversation.

So I continued the treatment. The psychologist helped me look at what happened from the other side, remember that other loved ones need me, and understand that you can continue to live, even after the death of a child.

To stop racing thoughts about the past in your head and forget a person, you need fortitude and a wise attitude towards the situation. If you are in a difficult situation, our specialists will definitely help you online psychologist consultations. Don't isolate yourself and your grief.

The sooner you take the first step, the fewer days you will have to spend in agony. An experienced psychologist is the best medicine for the soul and a harmonious life.

Learn to distinguish people so that there are no more insults and betrayals. Live every second and not be afraid of the future. Regain trust and be able to build happier relationships. This is possible if you master the knowledge of vectors...

How to let go of the past if it won't go away? You bump into him on the street, at work, in your sleep and can’t think about anything else. Everything around is poisoned by his betrayal. A dull, aching splinter in the heart does not allow you to take a deep breath, trust in life and move forward.

The training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan helps restore peace of mind and the ability to build relationships.

Why did this happen to me?

Not all people have the same respect for family. Everyone has their own values - and not because some are bad and some are good, we just have different mental structures.

There are people for whom loyalty and honesty, a strong family and strong relationships are of particular value. These are the owners. And they are the ones who suffer the most if the family breaks down. It is difficult, almost impossible for them to forgive and erase betrayal or lies, resentment or betrayal from their memory. Why?

It’s all “to blame” for their natural phenomenal memory and internal desire for justice. The psyche of a person with an anal vector is designed to accumulate knowledge and preserve the experience of the past for future generations, accurately and unchangeably. So that we don't reinvent the wheel every time. It is for this purpose that the best memory is given, in which everything is stored neatly, in every detail. And it is not forgotten.

What about justice? In the understanding of the owner of the anal vector, it is fair - this means equally. Treat me kindly - and I will thank you. What if with evil? The internal balance is disturbed, resentment settles in the soul against the one who was wrong and caused pain. Dependence on everything being equal, equal, makes the psyche rigid and clumsy; a person has difficulty adapting to everything that does not correspond to his ideas about “correctness.”

Sometimes an apology is enough and we forgive from the bottom of our hearts. What if the offender did not apologize? What if you did something that can’t be corrected with an apology, or caused pain that nothing can make up for? Have you trampled on the most sacred things: loyalty, love, relationships? Violation of the sense of justice torments, focuses on oneself, on pain, and again and again returns to the past.

This is how a good memory and a feeling of resentment do not allow you to psychologically end a relationship, let go, and therefore do not allow you to live fully in today’s day and create new relationships.

Realizing your nature, understanding what prevents you from moving forward is to take the first step towards liberation from the pain you have experienced. We can take this step together at Yuri Burlan’s free online training, which starts on August 23.

How could he do this to me?!

The partner of a person with an anal vector is often the owner. And his properties and desires are completely different. Flexibility in everything. Beneficial orientation. He can easily change his mind if he sees that staying true to himself is more expensive. His life tasks are different. Bring changes to society, engineering, create laws, extract and save resources - if a person is developed. If not very much, he can steal in petty ways, look for the desired novelty in sexual relations for one time.

Why does he become like this? The reason may be trauma received in childhood - humiliation from parents or beatings, an attempt to raise him to be someone he is not. “My father only got straight A’s, but what a fool you are - he goes in one ear and out the other!” He has no perseverance, no desire to study, like a parent with an anal vector, but he has the talent of an organizer and optimizer, a nimble thought aimed at prey in any form.

Without developing his innate properties until adolescence, a person can subsequently use them only at a primitive level. And this, of course, affects the couple’s relationship.

The reasons for betrayal can be different. You can understand them in more detail by learning a little more at the “System-vector psychology” training. As soon as you understand what desire motivated your partner, the pain will go away and the endless question “For what and why?” will stop tormenting your heart. It's like realizing that a dog can't meow and there's no sun at night.

But this is not the most important thing. The main thing is that by learning to understand the other person, you can avoid bad experiences in the future. Don't be afraid and avoid relationships - but find someone who can actually share your dreams with you. The results of the training show that this is an absolute reality. As well as the fact that, having understood your husband, you can do it on a qualitatively different level.

General cleaning. Putting things in order in life

We begin to breathe deeply with confidence when we systematically analyze what happened to us. Why did our partner behave this way, what was driving him. A clear, clear psychological understanding of the situation, reasons, and motives for the behavior of all participants in the conflict evens out the internal imbalance that arose as a result of the betrayal of a loved one.

It's like reformatting a hard drive: these folders are here, but we don't need these - in their place we will put others: new, clean, beautiful, necessary. Remove these programs, but update these ones. In the same way, we consciously, with full understanding of the matter, restore order in our souls and thoughts, and therefore in our lives.

From scratch

The next step is conscious, correct implementation among people. We can use any of our properties as a plus or minus.

A good memory was not given to us in order to live in a past that cannot be corrected, to remember injustice and to carry resentment with us. It is given so that we receive joy from its implementation in society. Maybe phenomenal memory is necessary in your professional activity or hobby?

Our priority of the past can be used for its intended purpose - to connect generations, to transfer experience and knowledge to the future. When we thus shift the focus of perception from ourselves to people, when we use our innate properties not only for ourselves, but for everyone, to solve important problems, it is easier for us to survive any difficulties. The thought stops running around in the circle of its own experiences, it has an application that brings real pleasure.

Who was able to leave past relationships in the past and start a new page in life:

Proofreader: Natalya Konovalova

The article was written based on training materials “ System-vector psychology»

Sexual infidelity among men in marriage is as common as it is psychologically traumatic. Numerous and reliable demographic studies of the last quarter of a century show: 74, and according to some data - 75% of husbands - residents of large cities - have had extra-marital sexual relations one or more times. I refer to data from studies conducted in Russian megacities by both domestic and foreign scientists. In Western European countries, these figures do not go beyond 50% - our Russian psychological culture with its lack of religious inhibitions, the cult of “macho” and the abundance of single women determines our absolute primacy in this area.
For many years I have been speaking at international conferences with reports and reports on psychotherapeutic assistance to victims of sexual infidelity; and every time my colleagues - especially from English-speaking countries - ask me to confirm the statistics of adultery I give, perceiving the numbers mentioned with distrust. But what to do - the reliability of these figures has been proven by a variety of scientists...
When sexual infidelity became not only the subject of interest of writers, comedians, joke makers, etc., but also the object of serious scientific research, the emphasis shifted from the superficial psychological aspects of this phenomenon to the deeply psychological, psychophysiological and genetic aspects. The active interest of psychotherapists and sexologists in the problem of marital infidelity is caused by the role and significance of this phenomenon for mental health: women - after all, victims of infidelity make up 18 - 19% of all those who seek psychotherapeutic help. Infidelity is the second leading cause of female depression, the third leading cause of suicide and suicide attempts. And to create effective methods of psychotherapeutic assistance to victims of infidelity, specialists need deep knowledge of this phenomenon.
Today we know that a man's sexual behavior is largely controlled by the so-called. The “infidelity genome”—more precisely, the genome that makes us have sexual intercourse with new women. Research over the last decade, primarily by Robin Baker's group, no longer leaves any doubt about this. Moreover, a very similar gene is supposed to be present in women; it works a little differently - strictly during the period of ovulation, for 8 - 10 days favorable for conception. And today, sexological science has revised the traditional ideas about marital fidelity of the fair sex: the “ovulation impulse” pushes our friends into short-term (and very vivid!) sexual contacts with unfamiliar partners, as a rule.
We also know that the stronger sex also expresses a desire for self-affirmation through new “conquests”, new “victories” over women. Expressed in our male character is sexual curiosity, interest in the structure of the female body, in the sexual behavior of the new woman. In the male community, in the male subculture, the experience of sexual communication, the number and quality of women you have are highly valued. The ideal of the male community is a man who does not run after skirts, but at any opportunity “will not miss his own.” Let's add to what has been said that large (and not very large) cities all over the world are overcrowded with single - mostly divorced - women, who for the most part are quite willing to have intimate relationships with a married man - for lack of free ones. In Moscow, for example, in 1964, according to sociological research, of 30-year-old single women, only less than 20% were ready for a relationship with a married man, and last year, in 2003 (just 40 years later) - almost 80%. A study of 40-year-old single Muscovite women with higher education (divorced and unmarried), conducted in 1999 by a group of sociologists from the international company Pfizer, showed that almost 75% of them had sexual contacts with married men of varying durations - from one-time to long-term novels.
These different cheaters
Among married men who enter into extramarital intimate relationships, researchers from different countries (Frank Pitman, Margaret LeRoy and others) distinguish - with some degree of convention - three main groups. The first group is the most numerous; husbands of this group have affairs with a frequency of once every two to three years, these affairs last an average duration of two to five months. In 90% of cases, these connections are carefully hidden and remain unknown to the wife (and if they become known to her, it is not through his fault). Their husbands are driven by the desire for self-affirmation, to have more and more women recognize their attractiveness. He remains on friendly terms with his partners in an affair; after the affair, his self-esteem increases significantly and he remains sexually faithful for a long time.
The second group is husbands in whose lives there are short-term, often one-time, extramarital sexual contacts, and not relationships at all, not “affairs on the side.” Such sexual contacts usually arise situationally: at parties, on business trips, on vacation. They are even less likely than in the first group to come into the light of day, except perhaps by accident or as a result of infection by a random partner.
The most malicious
Particular attention of psychotherapists is attracted to husbands of the third group, who throughout their married life, right up to old age, maintain sexual relationships with extramarital partners, essentially not hiding this from their wife, although they do not openly acknowledge this fact. For decades, they have been dating a variety of women, their relationships have varied durations: with someone - a year, with someone - two weeks, but in these relationships there are practically no breaks, so characteristic of ordinary “traitors”. Experts are well aware that after a romantic extramarital relationship there comes both a feeling of satisfaction and the so-called “post-love asthenia” - tired of the feeling of love (after all, it requires a lot of emotional stress). These two psychological phenomena: satisfied vanity and post-romantic asthenia - make it impossible for most men to continuously be infatuated with “women on the side” and lead to long periods of monogamy in marriage, periods of family unity and cloudless happiness.
Why are the extramarital relationships of men of the third group so unique, why are there no “post-love exhaustion” in them, why do these husbands not give their wives any respite, keep them in a state of tension and depression, and do not psychologically return to the family? American researcher Anna Selter undertook a very complex study of extramarital partners of “malicious cheaters” and revealed two striking circumstances. Firstly, these partners often did not correspond to the social, educational and intellectual level of the “traitors” - in all these parameters they turned out to be significantly lower, whereas in “ordinary” novels men become attached to women of a similar socio-cultural stratum. Secondly, in these novels there was no passion or emotional uplift; for the vast majority these were smooth, ordinary sexual relationships. There were no sexual excesses (intensive intimate life at the beginning of the relationship), nor the desire to spend a lot of time with a friend - to go with her on the weekend, spend a vacation, or at least a night. Selter studied almost 200 “girlfriends” of these “cheaters” and found that most of them were sincerely surprised by the behavior of their partners. Unlike the novels of the first group, these were often finished by the mistress, disappointed by the insufficient emotional attitude towards herself.
Psychotherapists know well that sexual contacts of husbands from the first and second groups in no way imply a negative attitude towards their wife, or a desire to somehow hurt or offend her. As Frank Pitman aptly put it, “in affairs, we men solve our own problems in relationships with the fair sex in general, and not problems with our wives.” The wives themselves always believe that an extramarital relationship reflects some shortcomings of the marriage, that, as people say, “a husband does not cheat on a good wife,” “in a good marriage, husbands do not cheat.” The last statement is one of the most common myths about adultery, and it has nothing to do with the real state of affairs. In high-quality marital unions (where there is emotional closeness, trust, and good intimate relationships), the prevalence of sexual infidelity is the same as in bad, conflict-ridden married couples.
The research I want to talk about has confirmed the hypothesis: “malicious cheaters” maintain a sexual relationship primarily so that a man can function better in the intimate sphere. In those short intervals between two lovers, which do happen, his sexual activity is practically reduced to zero.
Sexual infidelity is also the best way to keep your wife “at a distance” and in a state of humiliation. To be friendly, caring, and affectionate with your wife, but at the same time regularly have sex with another woman once a week, especially without hiding it - this is sophisticated sadism, traumatizing the victim to a much greater extent than occasional “sex on the side.” “Malicious cheaters” over the years of their life together have brought this process to the level of perfection: they never directly admit that there is another woman in their life, another sexual relationship, but they masterfully convey this fact to their wife. In words, categorically denying sexual infidelity, in other - non-verbal - ways they clearly “signal” about it.
Many experts, emphasizing their outward decency, call such husbands “hidden sexual aggressors.”
Why don't they copy?
The wives of husbands who systematically cheat on them, who came to see me, ask approximately the same questions. This is what my recent client Lisa, a forty-year-old auditor, says: “Yes, I know that men are not saints, that they have some kind of connections on the side.” I would be willing to tolerate this. But why doesn’t my husband try at all to hide his hobbies from me? Why does he show me with all his appearance that I am not alone with him? At first I thought that he was just going to leave me - that’s why he wasn’t hiding anything. Then I realized: he was not going to go anywhere or to anyone, and I stopped worrying about this. I was waiting for him to outgrow it all, for it all to end. We got married when Volodya was 30 years old, now he’s almost fifty, and he’s still dating some “girlfriends.” I have an idea about some of them - and they are not of the highest caliber. It ruins my life and doesn’t make yours any better.
You ask: why don’t I leave him? You know, he’s a really good husband - except for the constant cheating. Always even, calm, friendly, over the many years of living together he never raised his voice at me, never said a rude word. Sometimes I flare up and explode - he restrains himself. He tries to earn money for his family - in his youth he worked hard at two jobs. At first I thought that there was some kind of defect hidden in me as a woman - that’s why he had these connections. I even started an affair with a colleague, and he was delighted with me. But I developed a strong feeling of guilt towards Volodya, and I ended the affair myself. I'm afraid to live alone, I'm afraid to be left without a husband. Here I wait and endure..."
The lack of disguise is a way to humiliate his wife, to force her to constantly think about his connection with his mistress. Such a “husband” cannot function sexually with a woman equal to him; for attraction and erection, he needs a partner of a lower status - so he, without much difficulty, lowers the status of his wife.
State of the victim
Lisa’s “patience” has not left its mark on her: she looks depressed, speaks in a quiet voice and has a stamp of suffering on her face. As I already said, depression in victims of sexual infidelity differs not only in severity, but also in its originality. These women constantly imagine scenes of intimate relations between their husband and his mistress, and in their fantasies the mistress looks both much more attractive and much more temperamental than in reality. Exhausting, wounding fantasies, combined with depressive melancholy, force a woman who is trying to somehow get rid of them to look for and find various bodily (as we say, somatic) diseases, clearly feel non-existent pain and be treated for these imaginary disorders : cardiac, gastrointestinal, endocrine. At the height of depression, so-called “bodily hallucinations” develop - we call them senestopathies: a woman feels pain in the heart or in the duodenum, she does not doubt the truth of these pains. A process occurs that psychotherapists call “somatization of depression.” Painful sensations and poor health are expressed so clearly, so clearly that it is completely impossible to convince them that illness is a manifestation of depression - over many years of practice, I have come to the conclusion that it is pointless to try. I see how the luminaries of therapy, cardiology or enterology (less experienced in psychotherapy) are trying their best to convince these unfortunate women that they do not have any serious illness - but in vain! And finally, there is a specialist who will diagnose the “imaginary patient” and treat her for years. “Escape into illness” to some extent relieves the victim of painful fantasies and jealousy, but does not relieve depression.
Moreover, imaginary diseases - in which the woman herself sincerely believes! - are both a way to attract the husband’s attention (sometimes the only way!), and a way to punish him for infidelity. Such women undergo expensive examinations and often go to inpatient departments: they think that their placement in a hospital will force their husband to change his behavior. “Cheaters” regularly visit their wife in the hospital, bring them broths, fruits and flowers - and get more freedom to meet with their mistress.
In my practice, I constantly see how wives who decide to leave such a “malicious traitor”, within a few weeks, forget about the “diseases” that they suffered for ten years, for which they were treated by the best Moscow specialists, for the treatment of which huge amounts of money were spent. They forget, as if they had never heard of complex diagnoses. And they don’t return to them for decades!
Where did they come from?
Studies of the parent families of “malicious traitors” were carried out in the eighties and nineties by groups of American specialists led by Janice Spring, Anna Selter and several scientists in Australia. A characteristic feature of their childhood was their upbringing in a two-parent family with an imperious, energetic mother, who, as a rule, was not too harsh, dictating the rules of behavior not only for her son, but also for her husband. In most cases, future “hidden sexual aggressors” had the so-called “teenage rebellion” with its inherent conflicts, leaving home, often deviant (deviant) behavior and other properties of a difficult period of hormonal changes. (In general, I advise women to be careful with potential husbands who have experienced a turbulent teenage period, especially a long rebellion against their mother. Behind teenage protests are powerful childhood protests, a subconscious aggressive attitude towards the mother, and this can turn against you).
Psychologists discovered an interesting circumstance: when there were severe conflicts with their mother, the boys attended school regularly, studied well, and maintained good relationships with teachers and classmates. Experts call this behavior “partial rebellion” (i.e., partial rebellion, limited to one area of activity). “Partial rebellion” in general is observed quite rarely among teenagers: if a teenager rebels, it is against parents, and against teachers, and against the rules at school, and against the rules at home. And their protest behavior continues not for several months, not for a year, but for the entirety of five, or even six, long teenage years.
The constant presence of two women in their lives is revealed already in their teenage sexual fantasies, and at the very beginning of their intimate life. The love and long-term attachment to a chosen one, so characteristic of teenagers, is not observed at all among future “malicious cheaters”; their attitude towards women already in the years of sexual debut is rational - consumer, while both rationality and consumerism are well disguised by external politeness and gentleness.
In general, among future “hidden aggressors” we observe an amazingly successful start to their sexual life, which is generally not typical for young people. The vast majority of teenagers, despite their physiological hypersexuality, enter into intimate life not so easily: emotional instability, excitement, love experiences, self-doubt, and lack of experience lead to frequent failures, premature ejaculation, loss of erection and other sexual failures. The so-called older teenagers (16 – 19 years old) make up approximately half of the clients of sexologists. “Malicious cheaters” function surprisingly well, without failures or failures; we explain this fact by their low ability to fall in love and love. As I already said, with all their interest in the fair sex, bright, strong hobbies are not typical for them. For them, passion and intimate relationships are not so much a source of sensual pleasure as a way of self-affirmation and dominance over a woman.
What to do?
If, after getting married, a woman is faced with her husband’s sexual infidelity, then first of all, she needs to decide on the goals and nature of this infidelity. It is not easy to talk about these topics with him, but it is absolutely necessary. And there is absolutely no need to pretend that you do not notice his extramarital affairs: in this case, you look unobservant and stupid. We men cannot respect the one we managed to deceive. Show that you are a “sighted” being, that you know about the existence of this connection, but do not make a tragedy out of it. For cheaters of the first group - those who cheat for self-affirmation - an open, devoid of veil of secrecy relationship very often loses all its attractiveness of “war behind enemy lines” and quickly ends.
Remember: no matter how unpleasant and traumatic sexual betrayal is, it represents an excellent opportunity for you to show your best side, to demonstrate your best human qualities. (In everyday, everyday life, these qualities are most often obscured and fade into the background. We all tend to underestimate a loved one simply because we live in close contact, and everyday interaction covers up our merits). The husband expects that the disclosure of his affair will lead to scandals, tears, reproaches; he expects childish disorderly and senseless behavior. Your restraint, self-control, desire to understand the reasons and nature of his “holiday on the side” will make him appreciate you more highly, as my students say, “respect you.”
I recommend that my clients - victims of infidelity - definitely meet with the woman with whom her husband is having a sexual relationship. The purpose of such a meeting is not to cause a scandal, but to understand what motivates your husband to this relationship. Yes, such contact requires the exertion of all mental strength, but it is absolutely necessary to clarify the situation. Based on many years of experience, I can firmly say: it is beneficial in one hundred percent of cases.
Four signs will help you determine which group of “cheating” your husband belongs to: periodic or malicious. The first of these is the frequency of extramarital relationships. For the vast majority of men, after an affair there follows a long period - at least a year, and usually more - a period of fidelity, deep emotional attachment without any interest in “stranger” women. For the “inveterate”, everything is different: one connection is immediately followed – or at intervals of several weeks – by another.
The second sign is the character of the partners. Men of the first group enter into relationships with women of their cultural and social level, with women who are quite worthy. “Malicious” cheaters get involved with a variety of women, often located on the social ladder much lower than themselves. Often such a connection causes surprise - the intellectual, cultural, educational difference between him and his partner is very great.
The third sign is the lack of proper secrecy, neglect to keep extramarital relationships secret. As I already said, behind this is not negligence at all, but a conscious desire to humiliate the wife, put her into a state of depression, and often plunge her into despair.
The fourth is the practical absence of intimate relationships with his wife during those periods when he does not have an extramarital relationship. As a rule, wives are not at all upset by this - sex with their husbands has long become unwanted for them.
When the question arises: to abandon the second woman and stop injuring his wife, but at the same time lose high sexual activity, or continue to turn his wife into a disabled person, but at the same time enjoy an active sex life - most “principled cheaters” choose the second. Psychotherapists have long introduced the concept of “dictatorship of the penis”: if the method of arousal, desire, or the mode of satisfying sexual needs comes into conflict with moral and ethical standards, then the man (most often!) steps over these standards, and at any cost tries to preserve and support his own sexual functioning.
If all four signs of a “malicious traitor” are present in your husband, then all attempts to change him, to make him a faithful husband are completely in vain and doomed to failure. The only way to survive, to maintain your mental health, is to get away from it as quickly as possible. Yes, your financial situation will suffer, your social status will decrease, it will be hard for you for some time, but after two to three weeks you will feel relief, stop constantly thinking about your misfortune, become cheerful, and your cheerfulness will return. You can’t live with a “malicious traitor”...
How many times have I heard from my clients: “I see that a woman I barely know and is not very interesting to me is ready to give herself to me. I know that I don’t need her, that I’ve had hundreds of people like her, that the hundred and first will not add anything to this list... I know that in terms of her human qualities, this woman cannot hold a candle to my wife. I know that I should go home, be with my wife and child, that I have been neglecting them in recent days (months, years), that my wife’s patience is running out, that she is in despair, that she is about to explode... But still I know that in the first two or three intimacy with this new woman I will have a good erection - like in my youth, that sex with her will give me great (even if very short!) pleasure. And I go to her, or go to a hotel with her, have sex with her and return home at eleven... Sometimes I am tormented by my conscience, a feeling of guilt before my wife and child, but at the same time I know: I cannot and will never do otherwise. I can. As long as I have attraction, I will also have connections “on the side”..."
Of course, a person with such a psyche, with such attitudes cannot and should not be a husband. However, having been abandoned by his wife, he quickly finds another (we have no shortage of single women!) and just as quickly begins to torment her...

Alexander Poleev

A husband's betrayal is always a shock, a surprise, a bolt from the blue. Even if:

you have long suspected the appearance of a rival,
compassionate neighbors tried to “open your eyes” to your reveler husband
a close friend hinted at her lover’s infidelity.

You didn’t believe until the last moment and drove away dark thoughts from yourself. Until one day they came face to face with their mistress, or discovered irrefutable evidence of betrayal.

Betrayal becomes a crushing blow for any woman.

And may you be at least a hundred times strong, independent and self-sufficient. The moment the news of your loved one's betrayal arrives, your knees give way, your eyes darken, and your breath catches. And the heart falls down like a heavy stone, and a ringing emptiness spreads around.

"I can't survive this..."– the first thought resonates with pain in my temples...

Like a storm breaking out at sea, wave after wave, a whole stream of experiences covers you: pain, anger, disappointment, resentment, thirst for revenge, the desire to shrink into a small ball and quiet down in the corner, just to get rid of this nightmare.

What does a woman think about when she learns about her lover’s betrayal? Most likely not about that How survive and forgive betrayal. Emotions can be very different. From resentment towards the whole world, burning hatred for your mistress, thirst for revenge to depression and devastation, lack of understanding of how you, so faithful, tender, loving, could be so cruelly rejected and betrayed in the most vile way.

What do women who have been cheated on do?

Some respond “in reciprocity” and begin to go wild with the first fans they come across.
Others throw tantrums over the phone, insulting and uttering tons of unflattering accusations at the traitor.
Still others, harboring a grudge and feeling the stinging abrasions of their own humiliation with all their skin, will try to forget about how they turned their soul inside out and hit it backhand on the rough pavement.

But none of these methods will bring you the long-awaited relief and liberation. And there is no feeling of satisfaction either. Resentment, hidden deep in the soul, locked under the shell of external calm and indifference, will smolder and destroy you from the inside.

She will not let you breathe deeply and freely as before. He will assert himself every day and will not allow him to live a full life.

Are you ready to make resentment your only and main life companion?

Or is it worth trying? let go of the grudge, get rid of unnecessary ballast so that your shoulders straighten again, your step becomes light, and your eyes become shiny and happy?

How to forgive an offense? You will have to work hard for this. But the game is definitely worth the candle, and I'll explain why.

An architect of your own happiness or a victim - what is your choice?

If you cherish a grudge against your husband and allow it to grow deep in your heart, it, like a tenacious weed, will gradually penetrate all areas of your life. And instead of feeling happy, hoping for a better life scenario and being ready for a new relationship, you become fixated on the negative.

The result will not keep you waiting long. Conflicts with loved ones, distance from friends who are tired of seeing you irritated and depressed. They will be joined by troubles at work. After all, your sad appearance, absent-mindedness and eternal “wet eyes” are so far from the characteristics of a successful and valuable employee.

And if you don't think about ithow to let go of a grudgeand learn to live without it, another disaster in your life is inevitable.

Do you need additional arguments? Here are three more:

Pundits' opinions on resentment and its impact on health

Scientists have found that by cultivating your own resentment, you tenfold increase your chances of ending up in a neurosis clinic or even provoking such serious diseases as ulcers and cancer. Health directly depends on your reactions to events.

Hundreds of scientific articles on the topic,how to forgive your husband's cheating And psychologist's advicethey call for one thing:learn to forgive and let go, and regain your health and peace. You have the power to choose the right reactions to improve your health rather than undermine it.

Forgive in order to have the right to a happy future together

If you return your husband, but harbor a grudge, a heap of negative emotions: jealousy, hatred, desire for revenge will poison your future life together. And one day, as if from Pandora's box, they will burst out and cause new scandals, accusations and even separation. Is it worth it to start getting my husband back without deciding?how to forgive him this offense?

Forgive to let go and be happy with someone else

Even if you do not intend to live with an unfaithful spouse, you still need to forgive. So as not to live with memories seasoned with the bitterness of grievances for many years to come. And let go of the situation, pain, lost love, take a deep breath and... LIVE ON. Once again, feel how your heart becomes light and calm. How ready it is to open up to new relationships: without fear, forebodings and a stone in its bosom.

Life from scratch

Getting started is much easier than it might seem. The main thing is to take the first step and understandhow to let go of a grudgeon my husband. Personally, it helped me cope with grievances and hatred. Now I am firmly convinced: the path to forgiveness begins with yourself. Yes, yes, don't be surprised!

Give vent to all accumulated emotions, irritation, anger, tears. Throw away excess junk from your apartment, and with it from your head and your own life. Only by “blowing off steam” will you be able to take a sober and calm look at the situation and make further decisions from a state of objective calm, and not anger and resentment towards the entire world around you.

Take care of yourself: appearance and inner world. And it doesn’t matter whether you are going to return your husband or go on your way without him. A rested face, a renewed hairstyle, a well-groomed body and a calm mind will be useful to you in any case.

And know that you will never be able to predict the next troubles in your own life. But you should remember something else:The Universe gives everyone only feasible tests. To survive any adversity in life, you just need to believe in yourself, not hold a grudge in your heart, learn to forgive, go through life with a light heart and try every day to be better than yesterday. Then there will be those next to you who are able to accept these priceless gifts.

May your every day be filled with love and happiness.

Yours Anna.

Only the type of temperament determines how to survive the betrayal of your husband - whether this fact will be perceived with hostility or will soon be forgotten. Cheating on your husband can be considered a bitter mistake that needs repentance, and for some it is a real symbol of revenge.

Of course, it’s unpleasant to experience something like this yourself, but psychology looks at the problem not only from the side of betrayal, but also from delusion. Not a single psychologist takes responsibility for giving advice on continuing a relationship with a traitor, but simply gives an impetus to continue living after betrayal.

It is worth forgiving other individuals, because in this way the excess accumulated negative energy is released.

You cannot live with resentment in your heart, you need to get rid of everything unnecessary, be able to worry, let go of painful fragments.

Particularly impressionable girls find it difficult to give the gift of forgiveness, sometimes this even requires breaking up, temporarily or not - it depends on the situation. It is extremely difficult to see your abuser day after day.

There are cases that have a positive effect on temporary discrepancies, and for some, sometimes they even prove the benefits and advantages of the sides of a free, free life, where you do not have to endure the constant fornication of the ungodly. The serious mental trauma inflicted should not become a reason for hatred of everything around you. Gradually, time will be able to heal absolutely all wounds and open the way for new bright feelings.

Isolation and aggression are completely normal emotions in such a situation; you need to give free rein to tears, bitterness, and suffer a little, so that after a while you will gain cheerfulness with renewed vigor, draw conclusions and reconsider your values. It’s not normal to pretend that nothing has changed, but closing yourself off from everyone and falling into long-term depression is not an option!

The loss of a soulmate or even a banal quarrel is painful, but you cannot live in eternal mourning either. Life goes on!

A good way to distract yourself does not always have an entertaining meaning, sometimes life after your husband’s betrayal, the advice of a psychologist does not always have a quick effect, the forum also does not give intelligible answers, so you have to look for activities for yourself.

In addition to ordinary hobbies, you can join various clubs, discover new talents, and help children or animals. In this way, not only is someone else’s pain felt, but also the over-selfish traits are lost, the woman becomes beautiful, because nothing is more beautiful and dignified than the true kindness of the heart; the ability to take on a particle of another grief, introducing previously unknown feelings and problems, changes occur from within, values and needs are revised.

No matter how strong the resentment may be, you need to gradually force yourself to communicate with society, make new acquaintances and conversations. All individuals are different, there are a lot of interesting things in the world, it’s great to observe with curiosity all the phenomena of the environment in the company of old and new comrades, especially males.

By looking closely, having corresponded, and arranging a meeting, you can get not only moral and aesthetic pleasure from communication and knowledge, but also receive a rhetorical question about how to cope with your husband’s infidelity.

Acquaintance, friendship, flirting over time can easily smoothly turn into something more, for example, falling in love, but first you need to stop living in stereotypes and have fun; despite fatigue, age, social status and other things, just relax, be yourself, try to live at least a little for yourself, pamper yourself with careful care, gifts, and relaxation. It is extremely important to be in harmony with yourself, and the rest will follow!

The difference between treason and betrayal

Apostasy is a fleeting relationship or regular sexual intercourse with one lover who has no feelings, but betrayal is tenderness, falling in love with another woman. In this case, neither hysterics nor threats will help, if the spouse has not decided on the correctness of actions, then there is no need to put pressure on him, conversations should be extremely quiet, calm, manifestations of aggression or frequent emotional outbursts will lead to a quick breakup.

A female representative should always look impeccable, so that in comparisons she is certainly not inferior to other young ladies, even if the husband is temporarily under the impression and does not notice this, then her own self-esteem and confidence will depend on such nuances. It’s hard to imagine how to live with an adulterer under the same roof, knowing that his third-party adultery did not end for a single day; such a situation prompts the question: how to survive the betrayal of a beloved man?

Not everyone has the endurance to break off a marriage and let a person go once and for all, but living with a husband who is cheating is also somehow disappointing; you are unlikely to want to divide your love into three, but if the old feelings can no longer be returned. The second, seemingly inseparable half, repeats about its irrevocable decision to leave, then all that remains is to stock up on nerves and proudly bear the “knife in the back”; How to move on after cheating?

Of course, a lot will change, it is important not to despair, to gradually emerge from the shock and depressive state.

Moreover, at a time when you are puzzled by how to survive a man’s betrayal, maybe he already bitterly regrets what he has done. Sexual diversity and attractive appearance always attract, this is what you need to strive for in life together, but besides this, nothing can replace true affection, love, care, constant participation, and help from a loved one.

When a thought arises: how to live after your husband’s betrayal? Act confidently, change for the better, achieve new successes, because this is a kind of impetus for change. Initially, it won’t go out of my head - my husband changed how to survive the betrayal, but after a certain time, the pain will be forgotten, new paths and opportunities will open up.

This often happens: after living outside their home, hubbies often change their minds, realize that they are bored, and try to return; but whether to forgive them or not is another question that depends on the current situation, his ability to behave, the painful sensations inflicted, the character of the wife, her ability to forgive.

How to react?

Often men are intrigued by mystery and inaccessibility, but as soon as they get a “kick” from their wife and move in with their mistress, they lose interest in everything that is happening, it seems to them that the further development of events does not make any sense, because the lady has already been conquered.

Over time, the guys get bored and start coming to their home, especially if there are small children, then it won’t be difficult to explain the reasons for the visit. At a time when the abandoned wife is still reproaching herself with a painful problem: how to survive her husband’s betrayal, he can calmly prepare for his return. Not so fast, forgiveness must be earned!

There are limits, boundaries of patience that are characteristic of each individual; there is no need to suffer, allowing too much, definitely. A person must understand that he cannot come and go as he pleases, there must be respect, and where there is permissiveness, there will definitely not be it. It's nice to realize that you're back, but a quick reconciliation can lead to the fact that the unfaithful one will continue to run on both sides, this can last indefinitely.

No young lady should give up on her personal life, thinking that she has no choice, she will have to give in, endure constant humiliation, sooner or later, this way of life will lead to a hateful attitude. Keeping the problem silent will not allow you to find a solution.

A man should not return to everything ready, bend him into bed and get what he wants, he needs to at least wait a little, convey: family is not thrown away, this is a great value that is built over the years, respect is the key to success, until he understands and comes to repentance , awareness of shameful behavior will not deserve pardon. You can’t do anything against your will, if you want freedom, go for a walk, but since you already have a family, take responsibility and take into account their interests.

Stages of mental state

There are no hopeless situations; it’s just that a way out is not always visible and suitable for a particular individual; there is not enough strength to come to terms with the loss. At such moments, there is no need to be shy, ask questions to psychologists or girls who became the heroines of such stories: how did you survive the betrayal, what helped?

Certain stages of the disorder last differently for everyone, depending on the strength of character, temperament, life position, but in any case, they are inevitable:

negation. The girl is in a state of shock, she can’t wrap her head around how just yesterday a happy marriage can fall apart before our eyes; few people want to experience this for themselves.
The most dangerous moment is attempts to return what was before, while the actions are diverse and do not agree with each other.
Anger, aggression, quarrels, showdowns.
Memories, boredom, sadness.
Only at the stage of accepting the situation - start conversations with your lover, they will be more balanced, adequate, calm, frank than before. No matter how protracted the period of depression may be, a state of humility will definitely come.

Such periods last approximately several months, the main thing is to avoid meaningless scandals, emotional statements, and insults, which can further aggravate the situation.

What to avoid:

hysterics, tears, abuse, accusations in the presence of a traitor. The stronger sex is designed in such a way that it is overly irritating to them.
Think about why he could do this, whether there are any problems in life together.
In the presence of your husband, maintain equanimity, throw out negativity during his absence, try to joke if possible.
Forgiveness will bring relief primarily to the injured party.
If you manage to reconcile, reunite, eradicate accusations, leave grievances in the past.
Take care of yourself, know how to ask for help at the right moments.
Stop arguing, listen to your loved one.
If possible, cry, scream, it’s easier to get rid of pain than to constantly accumulate it.
Look at what is happening from the outside, think of a clear plan of action.

Why is this even necessary?