Simply asking your teen to ask can create a minefield. You never know what reaction will follow if you ask about things at school, mood, plans. However, interest in the child’s life is necessary, if only because a difficult age period has begun. When the intellect and emotions are under the control of hormones, many rash actions are practiced, and the task of parents is to prevent this phenomenon or painlessly correct the situation.

Why communication is so important

A teenager is almost an adult. At this age, new friends and hobbies appear, character and goals change. If you are not interested in his life, a moment of regret may come. Children 12 - 16 years old do not realize responsibility for their lives and health, violation of social rules and behavior. Of course, everything depends on how the child was raised from early childhood and in what society he grows up.

The gradual inculcation of “what is good and what is bad” significantly increases independence and control over actions. However, excessive emotionality and confidence radically change your view of the world. A child may condemn accepted norms and accept the erroneous opinions of friends. This is where adults are needed who support with normal communication, understand and guide. How to talk to a teenager so that he hears and understands? Below are five basic rules.

1. Become your best friend

Trust your intuition. Pay attention to the mood, but do not ask questions, do not violate personal boundaries by breaking into the children's room, do not judge behavior and do not use classmates as an example - your child, another, individual person. Also, discover your own secrets - there is nothing more instructive than personal example. This will create a feeling of trust and gratitude for the respect shown.

1. Don't start with "we need to talk"

Or “let’s talk.” Such a beginning is perceived as another lecture, and fear is generated that the parent will start scolding again. The teenager prepares for battle in advance or is determined not to pay attention to the speech addressed to him. Start by doing something together - helping in the kitchen, going shopping or going to the park is a great way to encourage openness. Most likely, the child will begin to talk about events and problems without your questions.

The desire to prepare a child for life is often accompanied by advice on how to talk, what to do, who to be friends with, where to go. Teenagers do not hear moral teachings; they resist because they have their own opinion and do not want to change it. Replace advice with simple questions - “can you help me with math?”, “are the teachers too strict?”, “are there cruel children in the class?” In the process of communication, thought-provoking sentences should appear - “do you think this is right?” Even if the answer is not satisfactory, you should not rush into an argument, pointing out incompetence. Explain what you would do in this situation. This is enough for the child to start reasoning and make the right decision on his own.

1. Understanding

When a young person makes a mistake, parents react in the style of a scandal, reminding them that they warned about the outcome or that adults should always be obeyed. It is important to refrain from such statements, since the child understands his mistake even without them. The role of the parent in this situation is to understand, name the teenager’s feelings, show support - “Have you been betrayed by a friend? This happened to me too, I was then filled with a feeling of resentment and even hatred” instead of “I said that this boy is spoiled.”

Understanding becomes a good start for frank communication, where it may become clear that poor grades on tests are the result of difficult situations distracting from studying, relationships at school between teachers or peers, and joining bad company means that the teenager feels lonely and thus , is fighting for a place in the group.

1. How to talk to a teenager if he is wrong

Disagreements occur in every family and how they are resolved affects the relationship, and teaches the child to negotiate. Everything that a teenager sees in your attitude towards him will become a role model. If you want your child to listen to you, you must listen to him. Try to calmly listen to the opinion, voice your point of view, and then, together, find the right solution.

1. Apologize

Fatigue, apathy or irritability lead to erroneous conclusions and scandals. When this happens, don't hesitate to apologize. The ability to admit error heals emotional wounds and also shows children that people are not perfect.

Before you judge or scold a teenager during communication, remember these rules. Show sincere interest, try to understand, forgive and accept him as he grew up. A little time will pass and you will definitely learn to get along without a showdown, which in the future will definitely pay off with trust and respect.

Not many families have education according to the principle: “The child is everything.” A very common mistake parents make is to constantly put pressure on the child and impose their will on him: this can be done, but this cannot be done. Parents use authoritarian parenting strategies that do not allow the child to exercise his independent voice or sense of responsibility for his own decisions.

Other parents, on the contrary, practice permissiveness. Research shows that both extremes negatively impact children's ability to regulate their emotions and form healthy relationships with adults. The best type of parenting is fairness, flexibility, respect for your teenage child and constant education, and not terror to achieve your goal. You need to listen to and respect your child's opinions and allow them to make choices, but also set fair and clear boundaries to maintain order in the home. This article will show you how to avoid ineffective communication techniques when parents talk to their teens.

Mistake #1. Too much chatter

When parents talk more and more, and in a harsh, demanding tone, children stop listening and perceiving them. Researchers have shown that the human brain can only process two points at a time and store them in its short-term memory. In practice, this takes about 30 seconds - that is, one or two phrases from the parents.

When mom or dad give several instructions at once in one message, the child will eventually get confused and will not understand anything from the parent's teachings. In addition, if the parents’ tone is alarming, harsh or demanding, the child’s subconscious mind arises anxiety and doubts. He will not at all want to comply with such demands.

“This month you can sign up for boxing, besides, you have to wash the dishes every day, and it’s too early for you to go to kickboxing. The day after tomorrow we will have guests, and you must help your mother clean the apartment.”

You should not tell your child all the information at once. It is best to break it down into separate blocks to make this information more digestible. Let the teenager express his opinion on one issue, and then you can move on to the second.

Effective Conversation Example

1. “This month you can sign up for boxing, but it’s too early for you to start kickboxing. Do you agree?”
2. “Every day you have to wash the dishes because mom is tired after work, save her and your time. What do you think about this?”
3. “The day after tomorrow we will have guests, and you must help your mother clean the apartment. Do you have any plans for the day after tomorrow, 15.00?”

In this example, parents limit the conversation to two sentences in each block, which makes it much easier to understand. In addition, there is a reasonable dialogue, and not a one-sided dictate from parents. Finally, the child agrees to cooperate voluntarily, and not under pressure, and his needs are taken into account.

Mistake #2. Reproaches and constant criticism

Most parents are familiar with the situation when a child has to wake up for a long time in the morning, or he scatters his things around the apartment, or comes home from school on time. And then they use what they think is an effective technique: they complain about the teenager’s bad attitude or sharply criticize him. In fact, this only makes the situation worse: you give teenagers a reason to ignore you, because every day you do not get tired of repeating the same thing to your child, and in the most disgusting tone.

Ineffective Conversation Example

"I woke you up an hour early because you can never get ready on time. You need to get dressed right now. Show me your diary so I can sign it.

Ten minutes later.

"I told you to get dressed and give me the diary. And you're still getting ready! You'll be late, and so will I! Go brush your teeth and get your clothes ready."

In ten minutes.

“Where is your diary to sign? I asked you to bring it? And you haven’t finished getting dressed. We’ll definitely be late.”

This parent gives the child too many varied tasks, and everything needs to be done immediately and at once. This does not allow the teenager to cope with the situation. Because every 10 minutes the parent urges him on, introducing anxiety and panic into the getting ready process. This is the so-called “helicopter parenting”, which can lead to insecurity and excessive dependence of a teenager on the commands of his parents. The tone of the parental message is negative and intrusive, which leads to dissatisfaction and resistance of the teenager or his passive aggression.

Effective Conversation Example

“We have 45 minutes left before we leave for school. If you don’t have time to get ready and give me your diary to sign, you’ll have to explain your tardiness to the teachers yourself.”

This is a brief instruction that makes it clear what the parent expects from the child and what the consequences are for failure to complete the task. The parent does not judge the child, does not try to control him, and does not create a situation of anxiety and panic. The parent allows the teenager to be responsible for his own behavior.

Mistake #3. “Shame on you!”

One of the most difficult ideas for parents is that their children have no empathy for their needs. Children develop their empathy (the tendency to empathize) slowly as they grow older. This is why parents’ expectations that their children will sympathize with them and help them in everything are not always justified simply due to the characteristics of the psychological development of adolescents.

They're still just kids - they don't take your side or put themselves in your shoes, but rather focus on enjoying themselves in the moment. Most parents emphasize that their children are selfish and care only about themselves. In principle, this is how it is. This can lead to dissatisfaction with parents when their children do not want to help them with something. At such moments, it is important to calm down, breathe deeply, and then in a calm tone express to the child your wishes and request, what exactly you need help with now. If you let your emotions get the better of you, it will make your communication with your teenager ineffective.

Ineffective Conversation Example

"I asked you several times to tidy up your room - and what do I see? Things are scattered all over the floor. Can't you see that I'm on my feet all day, I take care of the family, and you do nothing. Now I have to clean yours room, instead of relaxing after work. Shame on you, why are you so selfish?”

This parent creates a lot of negative energy. We can all be disappointed in another's behavior, but blaming a teenager is disrespectful. He hears a subconscious challenge from the phrase “You are selfish!”, and this is very harmful to the child’s psyche and self-esteem. Gradually, dad or mom convince him that something is wrong with him. Children pick up and internalize these negative labels and begin to see themselves as “not good enough,” “selfish.” Humiliating or shaming a child is very harmful because it can create negative emotions and a bad opinion of the child about himself.

Effective Conversation Example

“I see that your room is not cleaned, and this upsets me very much. It is important for us that the apartment is in order so that we can all enjoy living here. All the things scattered around the room will have to be sent to the pantry this evening. You can take them back when you clean your room."

This parent clearly communicates their feelings and needs to the teen—without anger or blame. It explains clear, but not overly punitive, consequences for the teenager's behavior and provides an opportunity for the child to rehabilitate. This does not create negative motivation in the teenager and does not make him think that he is bad.

Mistake #4. "I can not hear you"

We would all like to teach our children to respect other people. The best way to do this is to model respectful and caring behavior on our part. This will help your teen understand the meaning of respect and empathy and teach him effective communication skills. In many cases, parents have the hardest time hearing their children because children often interrupt them. In this case, it's okay to tell your child, “It's hard for me to hear you now because I'm cooking dinner, but I'll be ready to listen to you carefully in 10 minutes.” It's better to schedule a clear time to communicate with your child than to listen half-heartedly or not listen at all. But remember that it is difficult for a teenager to wait for a long time because they may forget what they wanted to say or they will not be in the right mood.

Ineffective Conversation Example

In response to a teenager talking about his grades at school, the parent replies: “Imagine. They still scored that goal!”

Effective Conversation Example

“I’m ready to listen to you carefully in 10 minutes, as soon as I finish watching the football.”

Talking to a teenager is a delicate art. But it can be mastered simply by being attentive to your child. And you will definitely succeed.

Parents of the younger generation are wondering how to communicate with a teenager.

Problems arise in many families because adolescence is considered one of the most difficult.

How to get rid of computer addiction for a teenager? Find out about this from ours.

Psychology

As the child grows up, he wants to gain more and more independence.

But parents continue to control him, trying to ensure safety and proper upbringing.

The problem is that sometimes the pressure is too much and the child begins to resist. As a result, aggression, leaving home, getting into dangerous company.

If a child is only forbidden, he will begin to do everything secretly. However, if left without complete control, he will not be able to assess for himself what is permissible to do and what is absolutely forbidden. Important maintain a golden mean.

When communicating with teenagers, first of all, it is necessary to achieve trust so that the child can calmly tell his parents about his problems and experiences, without fear of condemnation and punishment.

It is studied separately, and this is not accidental, it has its own characteristics and difficulties problems faced by parents and teachers.

Features of communication with adults and peers

As the child enters adolescence, adults increasingly lose their authority.

But small social groups become important for a teenager.

He focuses on subculture, fashion trends, features of communication in his circle. At the same time, parents may not like who their child is in contact with or what he is interested in.

This becomes the reason. In this case, there is no mutual understanding and respect between parents for the interests of the child.

Parents:

• are members of the family in which the child is forced to live;
• gradually lose authority, especially if there is no mutual respect and trust in the family;
• are people to be feared.

  Again, this happens due to loss of trust and constant punishment for any reason.

Peers:

• accepted into a social group or rejected;
• have similar interests;
• more significant in terms of communication and exchange of opinions;
• are interesting in terms of communication with the opposite sex;
• can involve a teenager in illegal actions;
• are an example to which the child is guided.

Relationship problems

Much depends on his success among his peers.

If he is rejected, he feels his difference, uselessness, loneliness.

The child may experience the following: Problems:

• reduced;
• excessively high self-esteem;
• aggressiveness towards individual peers;
• withdrawal;
• fear of communicating with the opposite sex;
• in front of a large group of people, the need to speak in front of the class;
• , inability to make new acquaintances and maintain friendships;
• aggressive behavior when parents try to interfere in their lives, control, impose certain behavior, clothing style, the need to study.

It is important for parents to understand that hormonal changes in the body occur; this also affects the child’s psychological state, his behavior, reactions to influences and stress.

Why don't parents understand teenagers?

Parents are a different generation, with with their existing stereotypes behavior.

The social environment is changing, and as a result, it is more difficult for the older generation to understand the younger.

In addition, parents forget how they felt and behaved as teenagers. Perhaps they think that they did not cause problems for parents, but in fact they behaved the way their daughter or son behaves now.

The level and direction of thinking of adults and children is also different.

How to raise them?

You need to start raising a child from infancy. But many parents forget this, in the end grows up to be a spoiled teenager, which is difficult to control. However, with some patience, the situation can be corrected.

Sex education

Sex education is aimed at the correct perception of one's own and the opposite sex. Of great importance prevention of early onset of intimate life, sexually transmitted diseases and early pregnancy.

Parents should have a conversation with girls even before the first menstruation begins, tell them how this happens and why. It is better if your mother or grandmother takes care of this issue. It is also important to explain issues of sexual relations and prevention to boys.

Some publishers publish special literature to introduce teenagers to the peculiarities of sexual life.

Nowadays, teenagers are quite active, so in some cases prevention should begin as early as 12 years of age, but the individual characteristics of the individual should be taken into account.

Parents should not ignore gender issues and put off an important conversation for a long time. Unfortunately, in children whose parents did not take care of prevention in time, it often happens unwanted pregnancy and dangerous diseases are discovered.

In addition to the problems of communicating with peers, it is important to explain to the child how to protect himself from illegal actions on the part of adults.

How to talk to a child at 12, 13, 14 years old?

A teenager at this age is still a child, but already wants to seem like an adult.

What to do:

• respect his right to express his own opinion, this teaches independent thinking;
• if there is a need to point out a mistake, then do it not in the form of criticism, but in the form of advice on how best to act;
• set the limits of what is permitted and permitted;
• take care of organizing your daily routine;
• keep promises or don’t make them, teach the same;
• learn to listen to your child, so you can see in time what problems he has and help in a timely manner;
• do not ingratiate yourself, stop communicating with him as with a small child;
• appreciate his individuality, give him the opportunity to develop;
• do not conduct the interrogation with condemnation, partiality, or irritation, as you only frighten the teenager and alienate him from you;
• don’t blame him for disturbing you, imposing himself, or making mistakes;
• be interested in his feelings, state of health, but not intrusively;
• praise for decisions made, noble deeds, achievements in studies, sports, development.

How to find a common language with your daughter or son?

If parents, when their daughter or son tries to ask for advice, begin to criticize, get irritated, and ignore the problem, then next time the child simply will not turn to you.

Typical mistakes of adults

No one is immune from mistakes, and there are no ideal parents. By assessing your behavior, you can prevent many problems from occurring.

Basic mistakes:

It will help to identify what is wrong in interactions with a teenager. confidential conversation. Listen to the child, understand his point of view.

Difficult teenager: what to do?

You need to be prepared for the fact that you will have to endure the period, but do not let the situation take its course, but try to somehow influence the child’s behavior. In advanced cases it is recommended psychologist consultation.

It is quite possible that you do not know about the problems and internal experiences of the child. The psychologist will help him restore peace of mind, and his parents will teach him how to interact with him correctly based on his individual characteristics.

How to Deal with Difficult Teens?

How to deal with a difficult teenager? Using punishment for any reason is not the best option.

In this case, the child moves away more and more, trust is lost, but the parents develop fear and a desire to contact them as little as possible.

To kid you need to find something to do which will be interesting to him. Talk to him, listen to what he wants from life, perhaps he will be happy to play sports, go to courses or join clubs.

Explain to your child why you devoted so little time to him that you had to work to support your family.

Parents should be an example; it is with them that a teenager learns a model of behavior and transfers it to the outside world.

Rules of Engagement from Gippenreiter

Julia Gippenreiter is a famous psychologist who has published many works on psychology.

Many parents face problems raising a teenager. They ask themselves: “Where did the charming, sweet child go? How could he change so much?” And closer to graduation at school, the child becomes completely uncontrollable. Parents should remember that this is a common problem for many families. One way or another, this period must be overcome and try to improve relations with your son or daughter. Let's try to understand this issue and understand how to find a relationship with a teenager.

A difficult age

There are parents who are afraid of their children. What if they get out of control, start smoking and drinking alcohol, call themselves “hipsters,” or start running away from home?

It's actually not that scary. It’s not called “the spring of life” for nothing. And for most children, the sweet time begins. At this moment, you need to learn to control the situation, support the child and not spoil the happy moments of your youth. To cope with this, you need to plunge into another world - into the world of a child - and understand what changes occur at such a young age.

Another world

Surely many parents began to notice that the child began to speak a different language, dress strangely, be rude, provoke scandals, ruin his hair, listen to wild music and attract attention to himself. Communication between teenagers and parents is fading. They don’t understand each other, because fathers and sons are different generations who have their own values, worldview, vocabulary, aesthetics, and so on. Naturally, the unknown is scary, especially if it concerns your own child. And in order to understand the mysterious world of a teenager, first of all you need to listen to him, understand and accept him. Parents are ready for dialogue, but children are in no hurry to share their most intimate...

What to do in such a situation?

Studying sciences such as developmental psychology, most experts came to the conclusion that the path to a child lies through understanding. First, you need to accept the fact that he may have other interests, even if his parents do not approve of them. Remember yourself in your youth, what you wanted then, what you lacked... Having compared your desires and behavior in youth with the way your child behaves, you need to establish new rules in your home: let your son or daughter listen to the music they like, wear whatever they want, use slang without using profanity, and you All that remains is to understand and accept it.

The more kindly the parents treat the teenager, the faster he will open up and let him into his inner world. Let’s imagine this situation: a child has gone abroad. He fell out of our reality and began to speak a different language. After he arrives home, you will have to find a common language with him.

What not to do

At this age, modern teenagers begin to experiment with cigarettes and alcohol and fall into bad company. This behavior terrifies parents. In addition to alcohol, drugs and cigarettes, there are several other vices that can engulf a teenager - these are Internet addiction, extreme hobbies and unprotected sex. And here the worst thing begins: the more parents prohibit, swear and punish, the more actively the child is drawn into his own world - into the world of non-childish hobbies. And no matter how hard parents try, communication with teenagers leads nowhere.

Psychology as a science says that such experiments have one feature. Indeed, in this way, children learn about the world without understanding where the boundaries of what is permitted end. If the conversation is about bad company or games with death, then the bells should ring, the child is lost in the real world.

If a teenager has “gone” into computer games, this indicates that he is replacing his prosaic days with fantasies. Drugs are used by children who want to numb the pain. Teenagers who feel like strangers at home get involved with bad companies.

Of course, there is no such recipe that could insure a teenager from the dangers on his way to growing up. But sometimes parents themselves aggravate the situation: an unhealthy atmosphere in the family, scandals, shouting, swearing, a negative example from elders - all this pushes the child into the abyss.

Directions to move in

Today's teenagers need help. In order to protect your child from it, you need to act in three directions.

First of all, arm him with the necessary information. Some psychologists advise taking your child to an oncology center where there are patients who at one time became interested in cigarettes. Show him a drug treatment center and tell him about the consequences of drug abuse. Today, many modern teenage magazines publish information about how bad habits and dangerous experiments affect a child’s life and what this leads to.

If you don't know how to get along with your teenager, you should go in a different direction. Create the most trusting atmosphere in your home, treat your child with love and respect. Forget about aggression towards anyone. It is necessary to create such an atmosphere that he does not want to run away from home. Advice to parents: do not smoke or drink alcohol in the presence of your child - he may take an example from you, and conversations that smoking is dangerous to health will be in vain. Children copy the behavior of their parents, so you need to become a shining example for your child. Control your emotions, know how to listen, and most importantly, understand. Live his life together, and then he will not want to run away from home.

The third direction is a firm ban on dangerous games. If a teenager violates it, then the violation must be punished. The peculiarity of communicating with teenagers lies in the sequence of actions; you cannot let go of the situation. For example, you caught a child with a cigarette, the punishment should not be aggressive or emotional, forbid him to go out for a week and do not break your word.

Sex. What is this?

According to statistics, most high school students lose their virginity at the age of 15. Sexual desire is dictated by nature, and this is normal. But for a fifteen-year-old child, especially girls, it is too early to have sex at this age. And one can understand parents who are afraid of child sexuality, unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

Fear pushes parents to make a series of mistakes. There is no need to tell a teenager that sex is a terrible sin. Sexual attraction will not go away, but the child will have a lot of complexes. The time will come when he will need to start a family, and with what attitude will he approach such an important decision?

Developmental psychology and age psychology regarding sex advise against moralizing. It is better to convey to the child as much information as possible, explain how dangerous unprotected sex is and what it can lead to. At the same time, there is no need to meddle in his personal life.

How to find a common language with a teenager

Adolescence is also called fateful, crisis, vulnerable, difficult. During this period, a new person is formed who strives to become an adult and tries to get rid of the child, who is looking for himself, and in his search he makes many mistakes. Many parents understand this, but do not know how to find a common language with a teenager in such a difficult time.

Of course, parents are upset when their son or daughter begins to be rude. Why is this happening?

Why are children rude?

The fact is that aggression lies dormant in every person. According to psychologists, such qualities as determination, the desire to assert oneself and the ability to defend one’s position contain aggressiveness. But it is worth noting that this quality sometimes helps a person survive. Therefore, aggressiveness carries both a positive and a negative charge. And the form of its manifestation depends on the situation, character and upbringing.

Often, parents themselves become the cause of their child’s rude behavior. If everyone in the family speaks in a raised voice and does not respect each other, then the child will grow up the same way. And how can parents demand a good, respectful attitude from a teenager if he doesn’t understand what it is, because he doesn’t know any other way?

Parents' mistakes

The main mistakes that parents make:

• lack of control;
• satisfaction of all needs;
• tough relationships;
• hypertrophied control;
• the desire to raise a child prodigy;
• emotional rejection.

In order for a child to grow up calm, obedient, that is, the way his parents want him to be, it is first necessary to give him freedom. “If you don’t touch the tree, it will grow even.” The child has grown up, and it’s time to get used to this idea.

1. Parental moralizing irritates the child the most. Communication with a teenager should take place on a positive wave. The child has his own views and opinions, and this must be taken into account.
2. Compromise. By arguing with each other, no one will prove anything to anyone. Negative emotions will not lead to understanding.
3. There is no need to reproach, offend a teenager or be sarcastic towards him.
4. Be firm in your decisions and consistent. You cannot demand from a child what you yourself do not do.

This period is very difficult, and communication with a teenager can lead parents into a dead end. We must remember that this is youth, and the child is full of strength, he wants to love and be loved, conquer heights, do crazy things, he is interested in everything. It is at this age that he needs good friends, and it’s good if they are parents.

Raising children, spending time and energy on them, giving them love, we sincerely believe that our offspring will be obedient, kind and attentive to us. In fact, teenagers, who just yesterday, as kids, needed our company so much, today do not want to spend their free time with us and everything we say is met with hostility. They drive us off the pedestal because they are sure that they know more than we do. And now it’s so difficult for us to “fit” into their lives.

Let's figure out why our girls turned from little princesses with curls, pigtails, dolls and bows into wild, gloomy teenagers.

And the girl has matured

The crisis of adolescence is the most difficult, because at this time any person experiences the so-called “I-identification”. During these years, for the first time in our lives, we become aware of ourselves, our character, and try to understand and feel our place in society. For the first time we think about the questions of why we came into this world and what we want from life. Add to this first loves, mostly unrequited, school stress, worries about one’s appearance and status among peers - and you get a cocktail of emotions that a teenager is not always able to “digest.”

From the age of 12, girls begin to move away from their parents, and this is normal. If previously parental opinion was unquestioning and authoritative, now all statements of mom and dad are questioned and challenged. Advice, teachings and instructions no longer have the same power. The well-known law “the force of resistance is equal to the force of pressure” begins to work. Coming into conflict with society, which is natural for a teenager, the girl considers her parents to be the main representatives of this society. The relationship between mom and dad (not to mention their lifestyle, choice of professions...) is also criticized. “And how can these people advise me anything?!” - the girl is sincerely indignant.

A teenage girl's world is turned upside down. What was valuable in childhood is now devalued (but this is temporary!). Everything related to parents and upbringing falls into the unnecessary category. But it is during this difficult period that girls develop a system of values ​​with which they will have to live further. And if you leave a teenager alone now, the consequences may be unpredictable.

Mom's emotions

Mothers also perceive the behavior of teenage girls painfully. Surely, after another scandal over unfinished homework, late returns home, choice of clothes (friends, musical preferences...) mothers do not understand what they did to deserve such an attitude and when it will all end...

“What is my mistake?” - mothers ask themselves. The fact is that they continue to perceive their teenage daughter as a child, or that they gave her complete freedom too early, and now for some reason they are trying to limit it. The fact that they show their daughters their emotions (offense, weakness, tears...). After all, teenagers tend to experience both aggression directed at their parents and a strong sense of guilt for their negative emotions. Or that they do not show any emotions and remain “iron ladies” in conversations with their daughters. It turns out that any action of the parents can be perceived by the teenager as extremely painful, can hurt even more, can push away, make him doubt or get irritated. But the world of a teenager has now become incredibly fragile and unstable.

Relationship models

In addition, the model of relationships chosen by the mother has a great influence on the girl’s perception of her mother’s words. So, if an authoritarian management style has developed in the family (“as mother said, so it will be”), then all the previously suppressed emotions in the girl will find a way out - in aggressive behavior, total disobedience and the desire to do everything in defiance.

If a mother chose the strategy “my daughter is an adult and knows everything herself” when her daughter was still a baby, then now, in adolescence, the girl will begin to follow this rule with all her might. And proving to her “who is boss in the house” will be oh so difficult.

Mothers who are too attached to their daughters will probably suffer the most, because the desire to walk hand in hand with your daughter all her life is destructive for both.

The most optimal way of interaction before and during adolescence is a trusting relationship in which the daughter is not afraid to tell her secrets to her mother, is not afraid of punishment and knows that she can find support from her mother.

Do you know who teenagers listen to and whose opinion is really important to them? Friends' opinion. So take advantage of the fact that your world has been built for a long time, and your child’s world is only in the process of formation. Give your daughter support, become her friend. Be interested in her music, hobbies, passions, but without fanaticism. Don’t judge for this or that choice; you probably know from your own experience that judgment is repulsive. Continue to advise, point out mistakes - only using humor, lightness, showing love.

Don't be upset every time your daughter refuses to communicate. And don’t show her the extent of your grief. When we try to play on guilt, we most often lose.

Read psychological literature about the characteristics of adolescence - the more we understand, the less we fear.

And don’t despair, the turbulent stage of growing up will end, and your relationship will definitely improve. Be patient.

Personal opinion

Yuri Kuklachev:

You need to talk to children, they should be your friends. Respect your child, do not allow yourself to humiliate him. Otherwise, everything will end with the child growing up and saying: “Screw you, commander, I won’t go visit you.”