The story of how we transitioned from corporate and gig work to our dream business, overcame a financial crisis, homeschooled our kids, and traveled the world.

Hello! Today I decided to make an unusual blog release, because I really want to inspire you to dream and go towards your dreams, removing obstacles and limitations in your head. And to do this, I described our entire journey over the past four years, which led us to the life of our dreams - free, passionate, where we do what we love, travel and educate our children. Describe this path with all the difficulties and mistakes we made. And shoot a series of blog episodes about each of the main conclusions. To not only inspire you, but also give useful tips on what to do, what not to do, and what to consider in general.

So, as you know, my name is Alena, I am a mother of four children and the wife of an incorrigible dreamer. In general, we are both dreamers, and that is why we feel so good together. We dreamed of doing what we loved and traveling around the world, including living for several seasons in Asia in different places and traveling all over Europe on a yacht.

But we had several restrictions:

1. Four children
2. My work in a large corporation in a top managerial and very profitable position
3. His business, which was tied to Moscow and did not allow him to leave the capital for more than two weeks

And here we need to clarify - we are not millionaires. Top managerial salaries somehow quickly diverged into current expenses. And business, especially restaurant business, is not the most profitable business, although the project was very popular. In general, we are such a classic middle class, without savings and with all the ensuing consequences: a lot of work, little time, dreams remain dreams, children grow up without parents.

We didn't like it much, like everyone else, but we didn't see an alternative. Still, four children is a big responsibility and we couldn’t afford to give up everything and go to Goa to lead a downshifter lifestyle there. Although this option did not inspire us even without children.

But be that as it may, dreams did not go away and constantly came to us in our conversations, when we managed to go on a date or finally went on a week-long vacation. But the years passed, and everything remained in its place. Dissatisfaction accumulated and a treacherous thought gradually crept in that maybe what we dream about will never happen? That perhaps we should come to terms with the fact that our lives will go exactly like this - in endless work and without any adventures?

Reason said that this is exactly what should be done - descend from heaven to earth and stop soaring in the clouds. But my heart didn’t want to give up my dream at all. And I began to slowly move in her direction.

Step one. My departure from the corporation. It is important to clarify here that this was not an emotional decision. I prepared for this step for three years, creating, in parallel with my work in a corporation, a platform to do what I love, namely coaching. I graduated from the Coaching Academy, started blogging (though very irregularly in those years) and began working with clients. I didn’t have any marketing or promotion, but I really loved my job and clients came just from each other.

And then at one fine moment I realized that it was time to leave.

And in today’s blog, I’m talking about exactly this step – making a critical decision and leaving the corporation

I didn’t earn even a tenth of what I earned in the corporation from the business I loved, but we decided that we would live on the income from my husband’s business, although this greatly reduced our opportunities. And I am still grateful to him and all my children who also supported my desire. And here I want to make the first conclusion:

Conclusion one. Get family support. If you are planning major changes in your life, then family support is necessary. We need to understand that we are going towards OUR dreams. And while we assume this will benefit everyone in the future, it may mean additional restrictions and strain on your loved ones down the road. And we must AGREE with them before taking such a step. In our case, I tried to explain to the children (first of all, I needed to agree with them) why I want to do this, what this could mean for us and why, nevertheless, I believe that this will change our lives for the better.

Step 2. Crisis.

I wrote my resignation letter and enjoyed my new way of living. I saw my children every day! I picked them up from school and we talked about their day. I found out how they live, what difficulties they have at school, what experiences and what dreams. It was wonderful.

Until suddenly, a month after I left, a crisis struck, the dollar doubled and so did the rent for my husband’s restaurant. At the same time, people began to save money and eat in restaurants less often and less. Business, which had been difficult before, became simply impossible. For two months the husband tried to find a solution, making titanic efforts, since he put his whole soul into this project and his loss was comparable to the loss of a beloved child. But the Universe had a different plan for us and the business had to be closed.

It was a difficult moment. As I already said, we had no savings. My new occupation did not bring any tangible income (although it brought a lot of joy). The husband's income also disappeared overnight and he had no ideas for a new business. For several months we simply lived on credit and I am incredibly grateful to all the people who supported us at that moment.

Here I want to draw conclusions two and three:

Conclusion two. Create a reserve before making a critical decision. If you are ready to learn from other people’s mistakes, create a safety net for yourself BEFORE making such a decision. In a sense, I prepared a platform for leaving, I already had a working coaching practice, but it would be even better to have a financial reserve for at least six months, or better yet a year (even for minimal expenses). But even if you haven't, you can still achieve your dreams and move on to conclusion three.

Conclusion three. Do not give up. It is very likely that fate will want to test the strength of your intention and will prepare some tests for you. It is important to remember that if you are consistent enough, the tests will certainly end and you will receive the very prize you dreamed of. And it will significantly exceed all your expectations!

So, we were left with virtually no income with four children in a rented house and no idea how we would get out. I resolutely refused to return to a corporate job and we began to look for a solution. Here's what we ended up doing:

1. We reconsidered our attitude to expenses. The entire staff was fired, which was three people, including a nanny, a housekeeper and a driver who took the children to all clubs and schools. My husband took charge of driving the children in the morning, I picked them up in the afternoon, putting my nine-month-old daughter in a chair and entertaining her in the halls of the sports and music schools where the children went. Later we taught the children to use public transport and walk. It is not fatal and children suffer from it much less than their parents.
2. My husband went to work as a hired manager to feed us during this period. Yes, it didn’t live up to his dreams and his level, but it allowed us to get through the next two years until we came up with a new idea. Watch our webinar “8 Secrets of Harmonious Relationships.”
3. We taught the children to help us with the housework, since it is absolutely impossible to cope with the household of such a large family alone and at the same time develop your own project. I invite you to my webinar “Children - relationships without falsehood”. There I will share our secrets :)

The main conclusions of this period:

Conclusion four. Stay flexible and reconsider your limitations. In particular:

• Reconsider the idea of ​​what you are ready or not ready to do on the way to your dream. Yes, my husband worked as a hired manager, which is completely unsuitable for him. But we are now living the life we ​​dreamed of.
• I had to reconsider how many schools my children should attend and how they should get there. We may have reduced the number of extracurricular activities and our children had to ride the bus, but now we live in Bali and they study in the coolest school that they could not even dream of.
• The whole family had to reconsider their attitude towards who should do household chores. Both in my and in their heads there was a real revolution, since initially I had the conviction that having taken such a step, I was obliged to take all the burdens upon myself and provide the family with a “cloudless” existence. But these beliefs came across harsh reality and were shattered into pieces, and here we move on to the next point:

Conclusion fifth. Use the opportunities of any situation in order to become stronger, better, more friendly. For example:

• Thanks to the crisis, we have become much friendlier. Having learned to do everything together, we finally became the friendly family I dreamed of. While I spent all my days in the office, and numerous staff took care of the house and children, we were not even nearly so friendly, and the cheerful and warm atmosphere that reigns in it now did not even reign in the house.
• Thanks to the crisis, my children have become more responsible, collected, independent and responsive. After we mastered housekeeping together, I began to receive positive feedback from teachers, especially about my youngest son, who became much more responsible, collected and responsive during this time.
• Thanks to very tight financial resources in the first year after my departure, I let go of my fear that lack of money would kill love in our family. And that being left at home alone with the household is the worst fear. I fell in love with home, I loved taking care of it, and I realized that no matter the circumstances, love can always be with us if we allow it.
• Thanks to the crisis, I learned to trust. Sometimes we couldn’t buy food for weeks, finishing off cereals from the cupboards and food from the freezer. This is, of course, a test that you wouldn’t wish on anyone. But it was during this time that I learned to trust, I learned to see how much the Universe supports us. Every time it was absolutely necessary, either money or help came. Friends gave us clothes and shoes for the children, they gave us gifts, and exactly those that we really needed (and we didn’t ask for it), they even gave us a vacation, inviting me to perform at one wonderful festival, where we lived in a tent, and our whole family was fed free of charge by the organizers for five days. In a word, the Universe took care of us and even gave us gifts throughout this year, and I learned to trust it like never before.
• Thanks to the crisis, I learned gratitude. Until that moment, I took many things for granted in my life (even though I had to achieve everything through my own efforts, nevertheless, very often I was dissatisfied with the world). This time taught me to appreciate the simplest things and be grateful at every step.

Conclusion six. It is very important to maintain joy and happiness in any situation.

Believe me, the last thing you need to do in a crisis is to become discouraged, give up and suffer. The feeling with which we live attracts the circumstances in which we find ourselves. And the heavier the feeling, the more difficult the circumstances. I know this is easier said than done, so I’m sharing our ways to stay motivated during tough times:

• Create a feeling of abundance no matter what. For example, in the first and most difficult year, we could arrange a holiday in the form of a trip to the nearest fashionable bakery, which was located in a neighboring village and where we (if our budget allowed) bought ourselves very tasty bread. Such bread cost 120 rubles and was a luxury for us at that moment. But we dressed beautifully, as if we were going to an expensive restaurant, and cheerfully walked 40 minutes to the neighboring village, picking flowers and inventing different stories. Then, just as happily, we walked back with a bun for 120 rubles. This joy did not happen to us every week, but it was very important to allocate these 120 rubles for this loaf, since it gave so much joy and created a feeling of abundance in our home.
• Come up with a holiday for yourself. For example, it was at this time that we came up with the idea of ​​going on dates with my husband every week. Or come up with interesting weekends with children.
• Develop your imagination and creativity. Look for ways to add joy and excitement to your life, even if you don't have the budget for it. Children's birthdays, dates with your husband, just a fun weekend with the whole family when you don't have a penny - all this is an endless source of creativity. The fact is that recovery from the crisis may take some time. And if we put off all joys for later and strain hard, struggling with circumstances, then we simply do not have enough drive and energy to reach the victorious end. There is a principle in yoga - to stand in an asana as if you are going to stand in it forever. This principle also applies to moments of crisis - you need to learn to get through them as if they will last forever. Then with a high probability they will end much sooner.

So two years passed. The first was very difficult, the second was not so difficult, but still we lived under very serious restrictions and it began to be exhausting. Yes, I was doing what I loved. Yes, we created a holiday in every possible way. Yes, we became friendlier and in some ways better as individuals, but nevertheless, it still didn’t seem like our dream. We can say that the situation in many ways even worsened: the husband was doing something he didn’t like, although he tried to contribute as much as possible to what he did. We have lost the opportunity to buy expensive gifts for our children, take them to cafes and buy normal clothes. I was doing something I loved, but it still brought in a very modest income, despite the fact that I invested 200% in what I did. And here we come to the following conclusions:

Conclusion seventh. Money is important. No matter how hard we try to be spiritual and tell ourselves that the most important thing is to do what we love and be there for our loved ones, we eventually come to understand that money is important too. That if you do not have financial success in what you love, then people will not be ready to listen to you enough. And that your loved ones deserve the best in this world and we will always want to give them this plus our endless love. Let's be honest, most of us want to be happy and successful. Money allows us to have more freedom, to give the best to our loved ones, to help those we would like to help. They give us opportunities to develop and create a space in which we can create with even greater inspiration. They allow us to create experiences that will fill our lives and make our hearts beat with delight. In a word, money is important. And here's what we realized:

• Doing your job well is not enough to be successful. It is also important to understand how a successful business is created in your field. We can be as excellent professionals as we like, but if we use ineffective models, then we will languish financially. Therefore, training, training and more training! Books, online courses, trainings - whatever you can afford at the moment. If you have the opportunity to ask advice from someone who has walked the same path that you have already walked, be sure to take this opportunity!
• It is not enough to undergo business training; it is also important to change your financial thinking and heal your relationship with money.
• In our country, this is all the more important, since our entire history of communism has devalued the concept of money over the past decades and we do not have the most positive legacy. And if we don't work with our financial thinking and remove subconscious restrictions on this topic, we will again and again be faced with the need to make ends meet, despite our best efforts. Personal growth and specifically overcoming the fear of being visible is also a vital part of success in your business.

We are all faced with thoughts of “who am I” and “what can I give to this world?” We are all taught to devalue ourselves and our achievements and not value the experience or talents that we possess. And changing beliefs in this area is a critical component of success.

So, gradually we started reading books, taking all kinds of courses and learning to be more visible. I started making a video blog and signed up to post weekly (previously I only posted occasionally). I studied effective approaches in my niche and put them into practice. In parallel, working with limiting beliefs in the financial sector.

Working with beliefs almost immediately gave an effect in the form of more income for my husband. Studying business courses helped me choose a more effective strategy in my project and I immediately moved to a new level in terms of income. I got the opportunity to invest in the development of my project, for example, to collaborate with a cool branding agency or take the most expensive Western courses in my niche.

Later we decided to do the project together and from that moment it began to grow faster than ever. What gave such a result is the subject of a separate article; now I will focus on those remaining conclusions that helped us get to where we are now - in Bali with our children, who are homeschooled and attend the coolest school by our standards on the island, where They are taught to think, reason, experiment and apply knowledge from different fields in practice. And also meditate, give thanks and appreciate the world and each other. So: For example, in our case, we wanted to travel around the world for some time, living for several months in different countries. And we wanted to do this now, when the children are still small, so that they have vivid impressions of this period in their lives.

Therefore, it was important for us to implement two things:

1. Transfer the project online, so that both work with clients and work with the team is done online. This required separate research and training, as carefully designed strategies and tools are needed for learning to be effective online. And it took us some time to develop and study them. Also, working with a team, if it all communicates only online, also requires certain skills and approaches. But if you have a goal and a vision, then the rest is a matter of time and the right knowledge, which is not difficult to find in the modern world.
2. Solve the issue of children's education. Despite the fact that the project was developing, we understood that we could not yet afford to spend $10,000 per child on quality education. In addition, having studied different schools, including Bali, where we wanted to go first of all, we realized that none of them gave the results that we were striving for - not to stuff children with a lot of information, but to teach them to think, reason, draw conclusions, move towards your goals, look for opportunities and solutions, rather than problems and limitations. Therefore, after much doubt, we decided to transfer the children to home schooling and try what would happen. I can’t say that this didn’t require additional effort from us, but in the end we realized that this way we could give our children a lot more and settled on this option. But already here, in Bali, we came across a wonderful Russian project that fully corresponded to our ideas about conscious education, and we partially sent our children to this school three times a week.

I write about this because I want to emphasize the importance of vision and strategy. Even if you have some limitations, such as four children and the inability to pay for a foreign school for them, you can still find a way to move towards your goals. It is only important to think openly and look for these opportunities.

I can say that our story is not over at all. Now a new stage is opening before us with new challenges and new opportunities, and I don’t know what will happen ahead. But, talking the other day with a friend of mine, I suddenly learned from her that she is telling our story to close friends who find it impossible, for one reason or another, to create the life of their dreams. And I thought our experience might inspire someone else. Because everything is possible in life. Everything we dream of. We just need a little more faith that it is possible. And someone’s positive example can give us this faith... And if our story inspires you to take a step towards your dreams, I will be very, very happy!

In future issues I will talk in more detail about other stages of our journey. And if you have specific questions, be sure to ask them, we will include answers to them in our releases!

With love and warmth,

loco_bird in If you want to do yoga, but are afraid to start

Today in the top there is a completely crazy article about the dangers of yoga. Something like "how yoga can destroy your body." I don’t even want to give a link to it, so as not to contribute to its popularity. The author of the article states that all yogis are not very healthy, and that you can get a lot of injuries during classes. And that, they say, some people were injured. In my opinion, you can just as successfully write about how harmful it is to ride a bicycle or ski - that’s where you can oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-and-oh-break-down.

Here, at first I wanted to write how cool we yogis really are, how cheerful, how young we look and how healthy we are :)) But then I thought that if you read me, you probably already know this :))

Personally, I have been doing yoga for seven years, and I feel much healthier, more alert and energetic than I did seven years ago. I am sincerely surprised by people who say that at the age of thirty, health is no longer the same, because my health is very much the same, and it cannot be compared with the health of the age from somewhere from 25 to 30, when I led, frankly speaking, not the healthiest lifestyle.

I would like to talk about why injuries do occur in yoga and how to avoid them. Of course, the best thing is to study with a good teacher. By the way, fitness centers don’t necessarily have bad instructors. I know that many of my Teacher’s students teach in fitness clubs.

The main thing is to understand that yoga is not physical education, and asanas are not gymnastics.

I have already written about this many times, so I advise you to read:
- about how the asana works;
- conversation with the Teacher: how to avoid injuries in yoga.

From personal experience and Teacher’s advice, I would draw the following rules for safe yoga:

• Always tune in and meditate for at least five minutes before class. You need to leave and forget all the worries, worries, plans, events of the day and tune yourself to the fact that at the moment nothing exists except practice. Ideally, the entire session should be conducted in a state of meditation;


• always do a warm-up;


• always be present in the asana, i.e. do not wander somewhere in your thoughts, but focus on the sensations in your body;


• at the same time, you need to observe the body as if from the outside, relaxed, without getting involved emotionally, to be in the state of an “observer”, and even to calmly observe emotions from the side;


• enter bends, bends and twists gradually, smoothly, without sudden movements;


• do not overstretch, never bring yourself to sharp pain, the pain in stretching should be light and pleasant;


• if unpleasant pain does arise, immediately get out of the asana, stretch your hands, rub the sore spot, track your emotions, return to the asana very carefully;


• do not do complex asanas, headstands/handstands, complex twists, lotuses, splits, etc. without good pre-warming and working out the joints; In general, if you are not confident in yourself, it is better not to do difficult things at home, practice in the hall, under the supervision of a teacher;


• never look at others, do not compare yourself with others and do not try to “catch up” with your more flexible neighbor; do not chase results at all, in yoga the main thing is the process, and the result will come by itself; be grateful to your body for what it can already do;


• choose the optimal time spent in the asana. On the one hand, the body needs about 30 seconds to get used to and readjust. On the other hand, the longer we stand in an asana, the more effective it is, and the shorter it is, the safer it is. At first, you should avoid staying in one asana for a long time;


• without fanaticism! You need to enter yoga gradually, in a measured rhythm, why - again, it is described in the post about

Many people live their lives without even knowing what exactly they want to do. They go to jobs they hate, do projects they hate, and report to a person they hate with all their hearts. And they don’t even think about the fact that things could be different. After all, we have one life, and it’s clearly not worth spending it on disgusting work. Decided to change everything right now? This is great, but then you have the problem of every person. What do you really want to do? It seems that yesterday you understood this perfectly well, but today you are confused. If you can’t decide, then we will help you find your purpose. Just follow our tips and you can find the best activity for you.

Think about yourself

Show healthy selfishness. Don’t try to help everyone at once, but take care of yourself. How can you decide what is interesting to you in life if you are constantly busy with other people's problems? Forget about those around you for a while. Ask yourself: if you were completely alone right now, without friends and family, without a job you hate, and you were not limited in your choice, then what exactly would you like to do? Don't be afraid to be selfish. If you don’t put your interests above the public, no one will.

Don't regret anything

Don't be ashamed to be selfish. This is your life. The time has come for you to choose a path that will please you, and not your environment. Don't regret anything. If you constantly regret things you did or didn't do in the past, then you are simply standing still. Don't live in the past. Live for today. Live your future.

Think about what you need most

We don't always understand what we really need in life. And it is extremely difficult to find out. Just sit down and think about it. What is important to you? Family? Freedom of expression? Financial well-being? You can make a list of priorities if that helps.

Identify what's bothering you

You can only really decide sensibly what you want to do if nothing is holding you back. If you are upset about something or your head is full of things to do, then you will never be able to choose wisely. Plus, find out what exactly irritates you at the moment. No need to say that office work annoys you. Think about what aspect of your job is giving you anxiety. Are you annoyed by your boss? What is your schedule? Your position? Or all at once? Now think about how you can change this? Perhaps you are satisfied with your current situation, and changing just a couple of its aspects will make you the happiest person.

Now find out what brings you pleasure

Pleasure is the key to a happy life. If you enjoy life, then you are not just living your years, but filling them with meaning. Pick a couple of moments in your life when you were truly happy. What brought you pleasure? Trips? Communication with children? Campaign management? When you understand what truly makes you happy, it will be easier for you to choose your future path.

Tell everyone around you about your dream

There is no need to hide from your family and friends that you have decided to give up everything and go towards your dream. Tell your friends and family about everything. If you share your thoughts, they will definitely support you in your endeavors and help you to the best of their ability. You will also get a lot of interesting ideas. After all, one head is good, but two are better.

Get in a good mood

Life doesn't always go according to the script we write. There is no need to fall into apathy if something doesn’t work out for you. Instead of grieving and doing nothing, get up and continue what you started with renewed vigor. Not immediately, but success will come to you. This is just a slight delay, not a complete failure. Do not give up. Just think positive thoughts and do what you have dreamed of all your life.

Just don’t think that finding your purpose is so easy. Many people search for it all their lives. The main thing is not to stop and keep looking. One day the muse will descend upon you and help you find your life’s work. Until then, try it. Try without sparing yourself. Try different professions and activities. After all, without trying, you will never know whether it is for you or not.

Do you think you have found the ideal activity for yourself?

- How to save savings today in an unstable economy?

According to recent opinion polls, 60% of Russians do not have cash savings. More than half of our country’s population is in the “risk zone”. Any unexpected negative event will put people on the brink of survival. And we can already see this in the reaction of people to the increase in the retirement age, to the rise in the dollar exchange rate, to reports of rising prices for basic food products and utilities. Therefore, you need to think about saving money. To do this, you need to understand how much you earn, how much you spend, where your expenses go. When you analyze everything, you will see your savings opportunities.

The second step to saving is to get your money situation in order. Get rid of unnecessary expenses. The third step is to make yourself an airbag. This is a rainy day fund. Open a separate account and start transferring a certain amount to it. It is important to train yourself to save some money. The fourth step is to start investing. Here you will need special knowledge and a good investment consultant. Spend time - meet with managers, communicate with them, see who and what will tell you and offer you. Choose someone who meets your expectations.

- What currency is it profitable to store money in now?

This question is often asked to me. We all lived through 2014, when the dollar rose very strongly. Now we are seeing some devaluation of the ruble against the backdrop of rising oil. We recommend that all clients keep part of their accumulated funds in foreign currency in order to protect themselves from a sharp devaluation. However, now we do not see any prerequisites for devaluation.

As a rule, we recommend initially forming your savings on the principles of three shares: that is, a third of savings in euros, a third of savings in US dollars, and the remaining third in national currency. With these principles of savings management, you can guarantee a high degree of protection from unforeseen exchange rate fluctuations. If the weakening has already occurred, then it is too late to run and buy currency, although it is worth allocating some amount for this for your own peace of mind.

- What are the “airbag” options for deposits?

Before you start investing, you need to create a “safety cushion” - this is the amount of free cash that can be used at any time in the event of unfavorable events. It is believed that this amount should be equivalent to 4-6 salaries. If your monthly income is 25 thousand rubles, then your “cushion” should be 100-150 thousand rubles. I would especially like to note that this is a minimum amount. If funds allow, you can keep more, but holding less is risky.

The second important question is where to keep it, in what deposits or financial instruments. The main requirements are that investments must be reliable and highly liquid. Danger almost always comes suddenly. And therefore, you must be sure that you have an “airbag”, and you can quickly print it out at a critical moment. For such cases, I recommend considering deposits where interest is accrued on the balance monthly; the amount can be withdrawn at any time from an ATM or bank cash desk, or it can be spent using a card. Almost all banks have such deposits - you just need to choose a reliable bank. The option of keeping a “safety cushion” at home in cash seems to me not the most correct due to many risks. The biggest risk of which is the temptation to spend this money on something not so important.

It is generally accepted that the search for life goals and guidelines is a philosophical issue and is characteristic of highly intelligent individuals. Actually this is not true. People who live in harmony with themselves and enjoy life do not think about such topics. This is the lot of those who have ceased to receive satisfaction from their own actions. When a person has pain in his arm or leg, he begins to pay more attention to it and listen to the sensations. It’s the same with the meaning of life: as soon as a person becomes ill, he immediately loses it and, due to the inability to find peace, begins to “work with his brain” and look for himself.

Life guidelines, or Why we act in one way or another

Parental attitudes play a huge role here. Observing the behavior of our parents, we unconsciously copied their models into our own lives. And not those that they tried to teach us in any way, but those shown by their own example. This could be a father who worked around the clock, or a mother who does not have a job, but is constantly involved in housework and raising children. Honor, loyalty, openness, honesty - all these concepts, to one degree or another, were embedded in us in childhood. Life attitudes are associated with parents’ understanding of what is right and what is wrong. They determine the priority. In my family, for example, they attached great importance to education and culture, although I practically didn’t study at school - I didn’t like it. For many families, higher education, science and art are of great value.

How goals are related to the rationalization of life and why you shouldn’t set them

There are people who live harmoniously: they know how to combine work and leisure and enjoy what they do. But not everyone is capable of this. If a person fails to do this, he begins to rush around and tries to find a suitable activity for himself. In order to somehow live, he works at a job he doesn’t like - to earn money. Realizing that this is not enough, he begins to set goals for himself. For example, learn English in one year or lose 20 kg in nine months. That is, he does not enjoy life and tries to rationalize it. One of the greatest and at the same time inadequate people, Count Tolstoy set himself goals for the year ahead: what to read and learn. He did not live in peace. If a person likes to learn English, he does it; when he gets bored, he stops. This is fine. Many people run for meaning all their lives, and before death they realize that there is none and that all goals and guidelines were false.

When a person feels good, he does not think about goals, meanings, or guidelines. He just lives. He sets goals, but he does it for reasons of self-realization, because he enjoys it. When a person feels bad, he begins to cling to everything possible. Often such people find help in religion, which acts as “crutches” for lost souls: it gives them what they need, since it consists entirely of guidelines, meanings and goals. Freud, himself a devout man, called religion a collective neurosis because it gives something that a person cannot understand on his own.

Questions from guests:

How to stop reacting to stimuli influencing from the outside (changes occurring in the outside world and in your personal life)? They make it difficult to concentrate on a specific task.

The great psychologist Viktor Frankl was a prisoner in a concentration camp, but this did not affect him in any way. He lived his own inner life, separate from the external environment. And he left there as if he had come from another country.

You need to understand that the more independent and self-sufficient you are, the less influence and discomfort you experience. The world is constantly changing. If the situation stresses you out, you have two options: accept it as a given or change it (change the country or city). The stimulus will always exist. You need to either become independent and self-sufficient yourself - then you will pay less attention to the environment, or make a decision - to come to terms with the situation or change it.

Since childhood, I was raised in such a way that a woman is intended to give birth to children, create comfort and family well-being. I had a husband, but we divorced, no children. Now I ask myself the question: what is the meaning of my life?

The meaning of every person's life is in life itself. Children or husband are not the basis, but its components. Stanislavsky said that there is a super task, but besides it there are other tasks. We have many meanings unconsciously. For example, since we are social creatures, we have a biologically inherent desire to live in a group (family), to continue the race. We also have a craving for recognition, which exists as a psychological need. The meaning of life for all people is to live and enjoy it. If you want children, you will find a million ways to have them even without pregnancy.

Every person has been instilled with some patterns since childhood. For example, girls need to get married. This has been going on since 1945, when after 20 years it was no longer possible to get married. Through the older generation, echoes of the war years still reach us. There is no need to get married now. If you love a person, you want to live with him and then have children. This is a healthy situation. The desire to get married quickly is very abstract, just like the common desire among men to have a lot of money and a big car. If you want, you will get married. But this cannot become your meaning. As well as the desire to have children, who, by the way, tend to grow up and leave home.

You cannot use other people to find your meaning. Children cannot be hostages of a mother who “has nothing else but them” and to whom she “gave her whole life.” You cannot give birth to a child for your own understanding. This should only be done if you enjoy tinkering with it. If you are confused about the purpose of your existence, then it is immoral to think that children will give meaning to your life. In this case, they are your hostages.

Growing up in a military family, I was always obliged to do what I was supposed to do. Now I have grown up and have my own family. But the habit remains, and it doesn’t allow me to figure out what I really like and what I don’t. How to learn to understand your desires?

Many of us really don't know what we want. The reason for this is that they have not tried to listen to themselves and do not know how to feel their desires. You need to change your own attitudes and learn: doing what you want is the only way to live life correctly. And if you do everything “by the rules”, “rationally” and “effectively”, then you will not find happiness.

In childhood, people were not taken into account: they were not interested in what he liked and what he didn’t. He grew up, but never learned to understand it. And she continues to live, solving common problems: giving birth and raising children, earning money to support her family.

You need to learn to imagine your future life: how you want it to develop. To do this, you need to start with what you didn’t do as a child. From very simple things. Don't sit down to breakfast in the morning until you realize you're hungry. Eat only what you like (this does not apply to minor children, you are responsible for them). Remember: there is no healthy or unhealthy food (exceptions include foods prohibited by a doctor). An adult can afford to eat what he wants. When choosing the clothes you will wear today, stick to the ones you like. Forget about “gray days” and “dressy weekends”. If you like these clothes, buy them and wear them whenever you want. There will be no other life.

Start with household items. Once you give up doing things that don't bring you pleasure, you will gradually learn to feel your desires. Over time, you will begin to understand what you want to do and how to live your next years. When a person cleans the apartment and washes the dishes all the time, he is not able to realize this. There was a joke about a Jew. When he was dying, he was asked about his last will. He asked for tea with two pieces of sugar, explaining it this way: “At home I drink it with one, and at a party with three, but I like it with two.” Don't let things get to the point of absurdity.

I have a list of things I really want to do. From it I form goals. Where is the line that defines neuroticism, and how do healthy people set goals?

Neuroticism lies in the meaninglessness of goal setting. If you want to learn a foreign language in a year, there must be some kind of goal. For example, you may have a desire to travel around the world, for this you need to speak English (it’s easier this way). You set a time limit of one year because you want to go on a trip faster. If the goal is simply to “learn,” then, firstly, you will get a very low level of the language, and secondly, there is no point in this action: it is not clear why.

Everything must have a specific purpose. If the action is devoid of purpose and motivational background, then the person begins to force himself to do what he does not want, and is constantly distracted.

When a person simply likes to play sports, he does not have the idea of ​​​​doing a hundred pull-ups, unless, of course, he is trying to prove something to himself. He just enjoys it. And he will continue to study, without being distracted by extraneous things and without being lazy, because he wants to.

It is probably impossible to live life without ever straining or doing anything against your will, but you need to strive for this. You need to do something out of necessity, and not by forcing yourself and convincing yourself that you like it. It should come on its own.

If a person has already given up doing what he doesn’t want, but has not yet figured out what he likes, is it okay to do nothing?

Absolutely. The thinking of modern man is structured like this: first there is an analysis of the situation, then synthesis. Analysis is when you look at an object and mentally break it down. The eye pays attention only to individual pieces. Then he synthesizes - generalizes. The ability to generalize from a certain amount of information is one of the signs of intelligence. Our ancestors had another process that we lack: they could identify themselves with an object. For example, when they wanted to understand a tree, they merged with it, not dividing it into separate components in their consciousness, but tried to feel it as a whole. In the modern world, this is impossible, because our ancestors had a different rhythm of life and really knew how to relax. There were periods in their lives when they did nothing for many days, and this was normal.

Can you find meaning in life by reading books?

Literature makes no sense. It can neither teach life nor make a person deeper or more intelligent. A writer is a person who knows how to tell exciting stories in brilliant language. There is nothing else in the books. In prisons, people who can tell an interesting story are not touched, because they are considered to be the owners of God's gift. But Dostoevsky and Tolstoy did not explain any meaning to anyone and were far from understanding it themselves. The contents of Dostoevsky's works contain well-written detective stories that you can't tear yourself away from. Not more.

How to find your life’s work and choose a direction for further development?

You cannot immediately understand what you want to do for the rest of your life. It is a state, not a rational thought. You can't say, "I want to do this." This must be an unconscious psychological need for some activity that brings you pleasure. Artists or writers felt that they wanted to write pictures or poems, and did not shout about it. When you get up in the morning, you should feel joy that the work day is ahead. To achieve this state, you need to treat everything in life in a similar way: learn to do only what you want, and not force yourself. And don't do what you don't want to do. Understand what you like and what you don’t.

By changing your behavior, you can change the parental attitudes ingrained in you as a child. A person is formed until he is five to eight years old, then the brain begins to automatically produce mental reactions that were formed earlier. Reading the situation, the brain finds analogues from childhood and issues a decision that has already been made long ago. The professor claims that it is accepted 20 seconds earlier than the final wording of the question.

By starting to listen to yourself, to realize what you really want, you force your psyche to change your reactions. A change in the reflex arc occurs - existing neural connections collapse and new ones arise. Over time, you will easily understand what you really want.

The next lecture-consultation by Mikhail Labkovsky in the Chocolate Loft will be dedicated to the midlife crisis and will take place on August 24. Tickets are available.