When you're in a relationship with someone you love, you often have to make compromises in order to move forward together. Sometimes it's about small things: what to buy for dinner or where to go on vacation. However, some trade-offs should not be taken lightly. In fact, the disagreements you may encounter may lead you to question whether this relationship is worth pursuing. Apart from your health and safety, which you should never compromise on, there are other subtle but very significant issues that you should not compromise on in your relationship.
1. Your dreams and goals
Starting a new relationship, especially when you're young, is not a reason to sacrifice your dreams and goals for your partner. If your goal is, for example, to become an engineer, and you are offered a great job in another city, you should not refuse the offer just because you don’t want to leave your partner. If the person you are dating is mature, he will respect your goals and support you in anything that will help you achieve them. If you give up your dream for the sake of another person, it is possible that very soon you will begin to blame him for it.
2. Your values
Your values are part of who you are and should not be neglected. If, for example, you don’t drink alcohol, and your partner spends all his evenings at the bar, and this negatively affects your relationship, you may well present him with a choice. In this case, your partner should respect your wishes and want to become a better person not only for you, but also for themselves. But when a compromise concerns issues of faith or religion, for example, you cannot demand that your partner agree to it. 
3. Outlook on life
You've always wanted at least two kids and a life in the suburbs, but your partner isn't ready for a child and prefers to live in the city... And the more you talk about it, the more it seems like you're putting pressure on your partner. There is no point in compromising on these issues if either of you ends up feeling unhappy. The best solution would be not to delay the inevitable and immediately end the relationship. There is no point in wasting time on a person whose views on life do not match yours. 
4. Your family and friends
If your loved one is trying to interfere with your time with family and friends, this should be a red flag that you cannot ignore. You may see less of your loved ones, which is quite normal when you are building relationships. However, the ban on meetings from your partner should alert you. Healthy relationships with friends and family make your life fulfilling. Studies have shown that older adults who have friends live healthier lives compared to those who do not. 
5. Self-esteem
It is impossible to build relationships in which there is no love and respect. Your partner should always be by your side, in both good and bad times. Moreover, it should not make you feel bad or destroy your self-esteem. Relationships are impossible without disagreements and quarrels, but you should not allow verbal abuse. This type of unhealthy communication can harm your self-esteem. 
6. Your principles when it comes to flirting
You may have never noticed it, but partners very often give in to each other's wishes when it comes to matters of flirting and communicating with other people. If you feel uncomfortable when your partner starts flirting with someone in front of you, it's worth wondering why he continues to do it. Flirting is a sign that your partner cares about his self-esteem rather than your feelings. You don't have to accept this behavior if you don't like it. 
7. What your relationship should be like
You shouldn't let your partner pressure you into doing something you don't want to do. For example, you shouldn't put up with an open relationship if you don't want to. The same goes for the presence of a third person in your relationship. This decision can cause jealousy and lead to trust issues, when all you wanted was to improve your intimate life. 
8. Your finances
It's important to keep track of your finances if you're planning to buy a home, take out a loan, or dream of retiring early. Your partner's loans or poor management of money can ultimately affect you. If your partner is using your money and doesn't want to take on any shared expenses, there's nothing to discuss. He should stop doing this. If it seems to you that the responsibility for providing for your couple lies solely with you, and your partner avoids it in every possible way, it is better to keep separate accounts and not plan large joint expenses until your partner gets his finances in order. 
If you truly care about your partner or invest a lot of time and effort into your relationship, compromise may seem natural even when dealing with the issues mentioned. But if you feel like all these compromises aren't making you happy and your life isn't what you dreamed of, then it's time to think about whether you really want to continue this relationship.
Text: Ekaterina Eliseeva
Compromises don't have the best reputation. We compromise unless we are given no other choice. It's like a remedy for cockroaches - it doesn't smell very pleasant, but if red and mustachioed ones are not pets, then you have to use it.
At the beginning of the novel, butterflies, fluttering in the stomach, whose flapping wings cause hormonal storms, successfully cope with their duties. A woman in love sees only good in her chosen one and is ready to forgive - if not everything, then a lot. But some time passes - usually from 6 months to a year - and she again begins to use her brain, the existence of which she has managed to completely forget, for its intended purpose. Out of nowhere “suddenly” comes the understanding that no one is perfect, including your loved one. This is where our journey into the land of compromise begins.
The Latin compromittere, from which the Russian word compromise comes, can be translated as “to make promises to each other.”
“Whether you like it or not, practically the only solution to problems in marriage is compromise,” kindly warns us at the entrance of “relationship guru” John Gottman, a scientist who has devoted his entire life to studying issues of love, family and marriage.
The secret of a good compromise is simple, like all ingenious things. Each partner must make concessions where it is easy for him to do so. And stand your ground on fundamental - mega-important issues.
Survive Marriage
There is no escape from the principle “You - for me, I - for you,” which underlies family relationships. The statistics collected by Gottman are inexorable - 70 (!)% of all conflicts in marriage have no solution. Accordingly, in this 70% only a compromise can work. By and large, the distribution of roles and responsibilities is a phenomenon of the same order.
Our forum members agree with the scientist: “Family is endless work and compromise. The key to the success of a family as a joint enterprise (figuratively speaking), its stability and prosperity is not in washed panties and clean floors, but in the ability to talk to each other, convey information, and there is also such a thing as energy exchange.”*
Happiness remains in the family as long as all participants in the relationship feel good, and give and take (we are also talking about emotional exchange) in approximately the same way. “A prosperous marriage - when both comfortable. And not when one lives as he wants, and the other is looking for how to live with it.”
The ability to negotiate is not innate - we master it properly only in middle age: we gain the ability to recognize the positive intentions of our partner, we begin to better understand the subtexts... Is it difficult to let your loved one go fishing? Yes, it’s not easy, but options are possible, for example this: “Mine goes fishing at night. I don’t like it, but I’ll let you go, provided that I then watch the video from her on my mobile phone.”
Be careful, men!
They say that compromise is the art of dividing the pie in such a way that everyone thinks that he got the tastiest and largest piece. For the success of this enterprise, only two important points are needed - positive intentions and openness (both on your part and on the part of your partner). The problem is that men usually prefer competition - instead of compromising, they become aggressive, cynical, or choose to "just" disappear from your life. If a little boy has grown up and has not learned to negotiate, then his marriage is unlikely to be happy. Judge for yourself - “If a man is not ready to share his power with his partner, then the probability that his family will fall apart is 81% (!),” says the same Dr. Gottman. “I left, but before I left, I did everything possible and impossible to save the relationship. When I realized that I could put them in like a bottomless barrel, that all I could do was take, I tore them apart with absolute calm...”- perhaps this statement quite accurately illustrates what happens in such cases.
The older we get, the more opportunities we see to reach an agreement and the less desire we feel to bend to our partner. The reason is that a woman (at least on an intuitive level) becomes clear what is good and bad for her personally, the desire to preserve her personality as a whole flourishes.
“He is a lark, I am a night owl. He is a homebody, I am an activist. I like comedies, he likes horror. We have known each other for 5 months, 3 of which we live together. But it seems to me that this is a failed attempt. We are complete opposites and this prevents me from loving him. Yes, you have to constantly adapt. But I also want to be myself. It’s very difficult to be constantly in tension, and what if he doesn’t like something...”
How to negotiate
- 1 Calm down yourself and reassure your partner that you are positive and understand that he also has needs. Avoid provocations! Let's illustrate this point with a statement from our forum about what not to do. “The fact that “I feel bad” can be said in different ways. Do you know how this usually happens with ladies? They make faces, make lips like chicken butts, and in a sour tone, with anguish, breaking into a squeal, they say, “I’m tired, I feel bad, I’m tired of everything.” Those. What exactly she is tired of and what exactly does not suit her - she is not able to express. She “presses” her emotions on her partner, so you can figure out what she really needs.”
- 2 Find goals that unite you. After all, you need this person for something, and he needs you, right? Say them out loud. Silently hoping that everything will “somehow resolve itself” is not very constructive. “If none of the couple is capable of compromise, is not able to take a step towards reconciliation, then the silence will last until... We broke up because of a minor quarrel”, - our user shares her personal experience.
- 3 Use Dr. Gottman's advice - for greater clarity, take a pencil and a piece of paper, draw two circles on it - one inside the other. In the smaller (inner circle) list everything that is non-negotiable. On the contrary, write down what you want to discuss right now. This will help make the conversation more constructive.
- 4 Negotiate the validity period of the compromise (it is better to do without the pretentious “from now on and forever”).
We have been together for 3 years, dating, but not living together. We are 25 years old. He loves me and cares. If I come home from work and I’m tired, he won’t ask unnecessary questions, he’ll feed me and ask about my well-being. We don’t limit each other in any way, we give freedom of communication with friends, we’re not jealous, we don’t forbid each other anything. But he categorically doesn’t want to see my friends and relatives, we meet with his friends. In 3 years, he met my parents once on my boyfriend and 2 times with friends. He explains this by saying that he is not comfortable communicating with my surroundings, he does not feel comfortable and that there he cannot consider himself the master of the situation, and feels discomfort, and he does not want to sacrifice his peace of mind , it’s enough that we are together, you have your own world and don’t drag me there, I have my own, although all my friends and family are friendly towards him, no one asks uncomfortable questions, we discuss common topics, but still no, he says, that he cannot get over himself. I tell him that I understand that it’s difficult for you, but let’s come to my birthday to see my parents, seeing each other at least once a year is important for me, don’t be too patient, I’m not even talking about friends. Is it too much to ask, he says that I oblige him with this, he doesn’t force me to meet with his friends. He also answers that my parents also didn’t really communicate with anyone and lived wonderfully, I choose you, not your family and friends, why are you fixated on this and don’t see other advantages. I’m saying that I appreciate you and don’t beg for your advantages, but this is not a small thing for me, it’s important for me that you communicate with my family at least sometimes, we have had feasts since childhood, everyone comes in pairs and has fun. He says there will be no compromise, democracy does not exist, that you are so stubborn, it’s difficult with you. But what kind of relationship will happen if I am the only one who makes concessions? And I also tell him that if we have a family of children, parents come and want to communicate with us and their grandchildren, you will leave and not communicate, to which he said that this was fine with him. And he doesn’t introduce him to his parents, he says, and I myself rarely see them and nothing, he has a difficult relationship with his father. He told my mother about me and showed photographs, she said that she wanted to see me someday. I stopped our relationship for a while, even though I love him very much, I asked him to think that compromises are important in life and that I can’t always separate like this, I can see my family and you at least once a year, to which of course he was only angry, he says that for such a little thing, I ruin everything and don’t understand his feelings, but if I didn’t understand, I would always ask him to walk with me, those times that he went, he didn’t even agree, he said that I wouldn’t be comfortable, but I’ll try, but Now he doesn’t want to see each other at all and only his opinion must be taken into account. What do you think, if there is a prospect, a chance to convince or is it better to let go of the person completely, despite the fact that you love it and it’s hard, and find a man more suitable for me?
Definition of a sentence in which NOT is written with the word COLLECTED. Open the brackets and write this word.
(NOT) WILLING to go to the com-pro-miss partners decided to break the contract.
It turned out to be (NOT) CLOSE to the nearest station, so I was pretty tired by the time I got there.
Varya’s new admirer turned out to be a (NOT) GREAT, but not a HA-riz-ma-tic-person.
One secret in this whole story has remained (NOT) RACE-COVER.
Due to injuries, we are an athlete, a lover of bo-le-l-schi-kov, (NOT) DO-BE-SORRY to fi-ni-sha: left the race on the first lap .
Explanation (see also Rule below).
Let's give the correct information.
NOT LAVING (involving with the behind-the-si-we-words, that’s why it’s written separately with NOT) go to someone pro-miss partners decided to break the contract.
It turned out to be NOT CLOSE to the nearest station (to the word AT ALL, that’s why it’s not written with NOT) it goes on separately), so I was pretty tired by the time I got to it.
Varya’s new admirer turned out to be NOT-KRA-SI-Y (you can replace the si-but-not-SCARY, that’s why it’s NOT written together) but), but not-ve-ro-yat-but ha-riz-ma-tich-man.
One secret in this whole story has remained NOT CLEAR (NOT with a brief part).
Because of the injuries, we are an athlete, a lover of bo-le-l-schi-kov, NOT TO-BE-STING (NOT with the verb separate-but) to fi-ni-sha: left the race station on the first lap.
Answer: not-kra-si-vym.
Answer: ugly
Rule: Task 13. Integrated and separate spelling of NOT and NI with different parts of speech
Spelling NOT and NOR.
According to the specification, a task of this type checks:
− the ability to distinguish a NOT particle from a NI particle;
− ability to distinguish the prefix NOT from the prefix NI;
− the ability to write together or separately NOT with all parts of speech.
In this regard, we draw attention to the fact that the conditions of tasks, depending on its goals, may vary significantly. At the same time, we also note that in standard Unified State Examination tasks (authors Tsybulko I.P., Lvov, Egoraeva) only the ability to write together or separately NOT with different parts of speech is tested, but in tasks by other authors, including Senina, MMIO (StatGrad) There are also tasks to choose between NOT and NOR. The editors of RESHUEGE also consider it necessary to expand the types of this task within the specifications of the current year.
We also draw your attention to the fact that a number of rules by which spelling is checked are not taught in the school course. Such rules are marked with *.
12.1 Combined and separate spelling of particles NOT and NI.
The particle is not written separately:
| 1) If there is or is implied a contrast with names, adverbs and participles. It is necessary to distinguish between direct opposition, in which one of the two features, called adjectives, is denied, and the second is affirmed, and opposition with a concessive shade of meaning, in which both features, called adjectives, are attributed to the subject, i.e. there is a opposition, but without negation . Wed: The lake is not deep, but shallow (the attribute “deep” is denied and the attribute “shallow” is affirmed). - The lake is shallow, but wide (both attributes are affirmed: “both shallow and wide”; “although shallow, but wide”) . | 1) This is not happiness, but grief. The river is not shallow (deep). You are not my friend. They walked not quickly, but slowly. Not a silent, but a growing rumble. |
| 2) *With adjectives, adverbs starting with -o and participles, words starting with -my, if the opposition is implied and the negation is strengthened by the words:
a) not at all, not at all, far from, not at all, not at all; b) negative pronominal words: not at all, not at all, no one, no one, no one, never, nowhere, no, no, nothing, nothing, nothing, etc. For convenience of explanation, we call them negatives and amplifiers. | a) This is not true at all; This case is not at all unique; This is by no means obvious; She is far from brave; He is not at all stupid; It's no fun talking about it; Not at all embarrassed; She is not at all more educated than her husband; b) The case is in no way suitable; A worthless project; He's not my friend; not at all envious, not needed by anyone, not in any way useless, good for nothing, incapable of anything, not interesting in any way; He is not at all more beautiful than his sister; |
| 3) *With short adjectives that are not used in full form. | 3) not happy, should not, is not right, not visible, does not intend, is not disposed, is not ready, is not obliged, is not needed, does not agree. |
| 4) With full participles in the presence of dependent words (except for words of degree intensifiers, see the list) or opposition (as a general rule) | 4) Fields of rye that had not yet been harvested could be seen. Not a laughing, but a crying child. |
| 4) *With verbal adjectives formed from imperfective transitive verbs using the suffixes -em-, -im- only if there is a dependent word in the instrumental case. | 4) The subject I didn’t like was to be taken this year. This case requires further clarification. It is necessary to distinguish between the spelling not with words in -my, formed from transitive imperfective verbs: such words can be either passive participles of the present tense or adjectives (in the first case, the spelling with is not separate, in the second - continuous). They are participles if the instrumental case of the actor, or less often the instrumental case of the instrument (the so-called instrumental) is used as an explanatory word; in the presence of other explanatory words, they become adjectives (they lose the meaning of passiveness and the meaning of time and acquire a qualitative meaning). Compare: a child not loved by the mother - unloved games in childhood (in the second case, the word unloved indicates a constant sign, means approximately the same as “unpleasant”, “undesirable”); movement not inhibited by air - the side of the Moon invisible from Earth. Adjectives of this type include: invisible, irresponsible, inflammable, inextinguishable, immovable, indivisible, unforgettable, invisible, unchangeable, unloved, unthinkable, untaxable, unalienable, untranslatable, untransferable, unknowable, unverifiable, unconjugated, intolerant and etc. Wed. their writing in the presence of explanatory words: a number indivisible by three, unforgettable meetings for us, through tears invisible to the world, records unthinkable in the recent past, feelings inexpressible in simple words, accounts unverifiable for a long time, dirt impassable in the spring, indeclinable nouns in the Russian language , intolerant behavior in our society, etc. |
| 5) With verbs, gerunds, short participles, with numerals, conjunctions, particles, prepositions: | 5) was not, could not, without recognizing, not ordered, not removed, not one, not five, not that... not that, not only, not above us. |
| 6) *With adverbs and words of the state category a) to a comparative extent b) in the role of a predicate impersonal predicate | 6) moved no louder, spoke no faster I don't need it, she doesn't need it |
| 7) in negative pronouns with a preposition with stress | 7) not with anyone, not in anything, not about anyone |
| 7) in negative pronouns with a preposition without stress | 7) with no one, in nothing, about anyone |
12.2 Continuous spelling of NOT and NOR.
The particle is not written together:
| 1) If the word without NOT is not used. | A) Nouns: fable, tumbler, ignorance, ignorant, adversity, unseen, invisible, slave, scoundrel, touchy, ailment, forget-me-not, hatred, bad weather, problems, fidget, slob, foolish, loser, unchrist; b) adjectives and adverbs formed from them: careless, inconspicuous, irrevocable, unharmed, inevitable, unchanging, absurd, necessary, invincible, unceasing, inseparable, unspeakable, never-ending, unceasing, undoubted, incomparable, awkward, unfortunate, clumsy, intolerable, unshakable, indisputable, indomitable; careless, absurd, necessary, undoubtedly; V) verbs: to dislike, to dislike, to be indignant, to be unwell, to be unwell, to hate, to be unwell, to be unable to, to be perplexed, to be unable to come, to be numb; G) adverbs and other unchangeable words: unbearably, unbearably, unbearably, unknowingly, by chance, inadvertently, impossible, inadvertently, really, reluctantly; despite, despite (prepositions) |
| 2) *NOT part of the prefix NEDO, which gives verbs the meaning of incompleteness, insufficiency compared to some norm.” The same rules also apply to participles formed from verbs with the prefix NEDO. The prefix UNDER- is often antonymous with the prefix OVER-: under-salt - over-salt, under-full - over-fulfill, under-full - over-fill, under-over-transfer. | 2) The child really missed the care of his parents. During the war, children were UNDERFOODED and LACKED OF SLEEP. Rozhdestvensky believed too much in his own abilities, considering himself a genius, but underestimated the abilities of his opponent. |
| 3) With nouns, adjectives, adverbs ending in -о, -е, when a new word, a new concept is formed, often with a negative quality. | 3) misfortune (trouble), not easy (difficult), not easy, ugly, not far (close), nearby |
| 4) *In combination with adjectives and adverbs, words denoting the degree of quality: very, extremely, very, extremely, clearly, quite (pretty much), quite, blatantly, exclusively, extremely do not affect continuous or separate writing, therefore it is NOT written together. For convenience of explanation, we call them strengths and degrees. | 4) A very unpleasant incident. A completely uninteresting game was invented. He spoke rather incomprehensibly. |
| 5) With full participles in the absence of dependent words or *when dependent words are intensifiers | 5) We walked along the unlit streets of the town. I made a completely rash decision. |
| 6) *In verbal adjectives formed from intransitive verbs or transitive verbs of the perfect form using the suffixes -em-, -im-. These are not participles, since participles with the suffixes -em, -they should only be of the imperfect form, they are the present tense. | 6) unfading, inexhaustible, irreconcilable, insurmountable, indomitable, inexhaustible, indestructible. |
| 7) in negative and indefinite pronouns and adverbs, depending on the stress, E or I, but together. | 7) nobody-nobody, nothing-nothing, nobody-nobody, nothing-nothing, nowhere-nowhere, nowhere-from-nowhere, no-no-nothing, no-time-never. |
12.3. The particles NOT and NI differ in meaning:
To correctly select the particles NOT and NI, their semantic differences should be taken into account. Let's display them in tables.
Main uses of negative particles
| The particle is NOT used | NI particle is used |
|---|---|
| 1) to express negation: There were no letters or telegrams. Brother doesn't look like a liar. It’s not the moon or the stars that interest me, but only meteorites. | 1) to strengthen the negation expressed by the particle NOT There were no letters or telegrams. The brother does not look like a deceiver or a joker. I'm not interested in the stars or the moon. |
| 2) to express a statement with a connotation of obligation (double negative): He couldn't help but call. We couldn't help but notice. | 2) to express quantitative negation: There's not a cloud in the sky. Not a drop of dew in my mouth. |
| 3) to express impossibility in impersonal sentences: You won't be able to catch up with the crazy three! There will be no war or fire! | 3) for emotional expression of prohibition, order, obligation: Not a step back! Not a sound! Not a day without a line! |
| 4) when expressing uncertainty, fear or admiration: Aren't you my guest? No matter how cold the frost hits! Why not a hero! | 4) to express uncertainty: He is neither old nor young, neither fat nor thin (cf.: He is either old or young). In phraseological units: Neither this nor that, neither fish nor fowl. |
| 5) in interrogative and exclamatory sentences when expressing an underlined statement: Who hasn’t cursed the stationmasters, who hasn’t scolded them! (A. Pushkin) Isn't it true that we have become wiser? With your condition, how can you not get married? (L. Tolstoy) | 5) in subordinate clauses with a generalized intensifying meaning (with allied words: whoever.., whatever.., wherever.., etc.). Whatever the child enjoys, as long as he doesn’t cry. Whenever you ask him, he won’t mince his words. |
Complex cases of distinguishing between NEI and NOT
| 1.In subordinate clauses. Compare: | |
| Does NOT express negation: When my brother didn't come, everyone felt bored. There are no wars where soldiers do not die. | NI expresses the statement with a touch of generality: Whenever my brother came, he always brought excitement and joy. Wherever soldiers die, they should be remembered and honored. |
| 2. In revolutions not one and none; not once and not once. Compare: | |
| Does not express negation: Not one of us (that is, many) was ready for the ascent. More than once (i.e. many times) I had to meet a wild beast. | Neither expresses increased negation: Neither of us (that is, no one) was up to the climb. Not once (that is, never) have I encountered a wild animal. |
| 3. In pronominal phrases. Compare: | |
| Expressive phrases with NOT contain the meaning of hidden opposition and are used in affirmative sentences (cf.: no one else, but..) None other than a woodpecker was knocking dully in the forest. Before us was nothing more than an ancient cave. | These phrases are used in negative sentences and serve to strengthen the negation: no one... not; nothing... not: No one else could have led us to the right path. Nothing else but music captivated me so much. |
Remember!
Compound amplification turns with particle ni:
at all costs, no matter what, wherever, wherever, as if nothing had happened, etc.
Spelling varies Not with verbal adjectives -my and with participles -my; if there are explanatory words, the first ones are written together (like denominate adjectives), the second ones are written separately, for example:
A) uninhabited since ancient times the island insoluble crystals in water, indistinguishable figures of people in the dark;
b) reserves not visited by hunters, unreadable non-specialist magazines, not my favorite mother child.
To adjectives on -my include words formed from intransitive verbs (for example: independent, waterproof, fireproof) or from perfective verbs (for example: incorrigible, impracticable, indestructible). These words are subject to general spelling rules. Not with adjectives, i.e. they are written together and with explanatory words (see examples above), as well as in a short form (for example: island uninhabited, disease incurable, these countries are economically independent). However, the rule of writing adjectives separately with Not, if explanatory words are pronouns and adverbs starting with neither, or combinations far from it, not at all, not at all(see above, paragraph 6, note 1. subparagraph 2), for example: with nothing incomparable the impression is that countries are not dependent on anyone, by no means insoluble crystals; This is a phenomenon neither from life nor from art irreparable. The exception is words that, without Not not used, for example: by no one invincible army, for no one incomprehensible case, under no circumstances unique experiment.
Note.
It is necessary to distinguish between spelling Not with words on -my, formed from imperfective transitive verbs: such words can be either passive present participles or adjectives (in the first case, spelled with Not separate, in the second - merged). They are participles if the instrumental case of the actor, or less often the instrumental case of the instrument (the so-called instrumental) is used as an explanatory word; in the presence of other explanatory words, they become adjectives (they lose the meaning of passiveness and the meaning of time and acquire a qualitative meaning). Wed: not my favorite mother child - unloved in childhood, games (in the second case, the word unloved indicates a constant feature, means approximately the same as “unpleasant”, “undesirable”); movement, uninhibited by air - invisible from the Earth side of the Moon.
Adjectives of this type include: invisible, irresponsible, inflammable, inextinguishable, immovable, indivisible, unforgettable, unvisible, unchangeable, unloved, unthinkable, untaxed, unalienable, untranslatable, untransferable, unknowable, unverifiable, unconjugated, intolerant, etc. Cf. their writing with explanatory words: indivisible by three number, unforgettable for us to meet, through invisible tears to the world, unthinkable in the recent past records, indescribable in simple words of feeling, unverifiable accounts from a long time ago, impassable mud in the spring, unyielding in Russian nouns, intolerant behavior in our society, etc.
Life in the modern world constantly pushes people to the need to compromise. And, it’s true, it’s not easy to live in society without the ability to give in. But is the best solution to a conflict always a compromise?
Or is it sometimes easier to remain yourself without voluntarily infringing on your own rights? Let's try to figure out what exactly the art of compromise is and when it is better not to resort to it.
So, a compromise is an agreement that people come to on the basis of mutual concessions. In other words, each side must sacrifice something in order to achieve a resolution to the existing conflict.
Compromise: pros and cons
In fact, this phenomenon is often misunderstood: to compromise is to step on the throat of your desires, your opinion, and often your dream. In fact, this is not a compromise at all, but compliance, an inability to defend one’s interests.
An example of such a “compromise” in a relationship can be given: wife and husband have lived for many years. Their marriage seems exemplary. But people don’t realize that for decades the wife has turned a blind eye to the rudeness (and sometimes assault) of her husband (“ but the guy is nearby», « but it brings money into the house», « but I'm not alone" and many more such "buts"). Agree, her sacrifice has nothing to do with compromise. The wife constantly gives in, and the husband favorably takes advantage of her gentle character. But compromise is a voluntary and mutually beneficial matter, when only mutual agreement can be reached.
There are many situations when people show weakness of character and make concessions.
- This is also the inability to defend their rights before domineering parents who decide with whom their grown-up child communicates, which university to choose, with whom to live.
- And the constant abandonment of your dreams to please your neighbor.
- And putting other people's work on your shoulders.
All this indicates human weakness. Whereas the real art of compromise is accessible only to people of strong spirit. To those who respect and value themselves. Only in this situation can we talk about a healthy relationship between two adults.
True compromise is constructive and respectful
But, by definition, compromise is an act for the good. For example, consider this situation: in a store, a child is ready to throw a tantrum if his mother does not buy an expensive toy. There are no funds to purchase. In exchange for an expensive trinket, the child is invited to watch a fairy tale together (a walk in the fresh air with a story about nature, a visit to the playground). And the child agrees, as a result of which he is left, although without a gift, but with a lot of positive emotions. That is, both (parent and child) choose a solution to the conflict - a compromise. Each party agrees to a concession (the mother will have to spend an hour or two of free time, and the child will have to understand that he can be happy not only with the thing bought in the store).
Agree, a much worse solution to the problem on the part of the mother would be to yell at the baby or borrow money and buy an expensive thing. And the child would only be a loser if he did not stop crying and begging for what he wanted.
What pushes us to an unfavorable compromise?
People.
Often we are pushed into an unfavorable compromise by people who are unpleasant to communicate with. Those who feel like you owe them something for life. For example, you have a lonely friend. She did not find a spouse due to extreme pickiness towards the opposite sex (one candidate for husband is not rich enough, another is ugly, the third does not match his zodiac sign, etc.). However, she seems to be jokingly reproaching you for your happy marriage. And so that your friend doesn’t suffer so much, you are forced to entertain an adult woman every weekend, and even listen to how unhappy she is. This is a common manipulation: she uses you to pour out her emotional negativity.
Complexes.
People can be overly soft-hearted, ready to make a concession, out of dislike. Unfortunately, many have been deprived of love since childhood. Children who are not treated with parental care grow up and create their own families without love. And for some reason they seem unworthy of happiness. They, so unloved and unnecessary, put themselves at the very last level. And those who do not deserve it at all are elevated to heights.
Majority influence.
The art of compromise can help in many situations, but it does not always work for the good. Often people agree to compromise, even if they are disgusted by it. For example, a newcomer appears in the team. And the old-timers (so experienced and venerable) begin to find fault with their “green” colleague. You understand that the majority behave incorrectly, that the young specialist is not to blame for anything. However, you don’t want to go against everyone (what if they start discussing you behind your back), so you communicate evenly with the newcomer, but discuss him with “old” colleagues. That is, do not quarrel with either side, but in fact compromise with your conscience.
In what situations should you not compromise?
Never compromise when it comes to dealing with your principles.
Don't do anything that goes against your sense of decency and morality. For example, if you are not ready to live with a spouse who constantly cheats, then don’t live. Even if he is cheerful, interesting and intelligent. If you cannot forgive betrayal, do not drown out the voice of your reason. And don’t justify the vile cheater.
Don't make concessions to people who take advantage of you.
Let's say your colleague is a pleasant lady in all respects. And he will bring cakes for tea, and share a new secret, and give a compliment. Only part of her work constantly falls on your shoulders, because she easily goes home early. And you also go out on weekends to clear things up. You just can’t refuse help from a co-worker; you’re ready to draw up a report for her, run to the tax office, for example (how can you refuse such a nice person). But they sat on your neck, why do you continue?
Agree to mutually beneficial concessions.
Never compromise if you feel that the game is going one way. Let's say your sister sends her nephew to visit you every weekend. You entertain the child, cook for him, abandon your plans. My sister knows that she can borrow money from you and ask for any help. When you need help, a relative does not have time. She refers to being busy, invited guests, leaving. And you understand that her excuses are a veiled reluctance to meet halfway. Compromise is mutual concessions, remember? Next time, tell her that you have big plans for the weekend, but if she agrees to help with cleaning and grocery shopping, then you can devote some time to her baby.
Learn to love yourself.
Don’t lose your self-esteem, because you are no worse than those around you. You have a lot of good qualities, think about it. Let's say your other half constantly takes negativity out on you. He can be rude, yell, or make a caustic remark in public. But you are silent, because it is easier to endure an insult than to quarrel. Don't allow other people to be rude and insulting. You are a person worthy of respect. So if you offended me, please, apologize and explain the reason for your dissatisfaction.
Don't compromise if your intuition is against it.
First of all, listen to your mind, even if someone is trying to persuade you to make concessions. For example, you occupy a good position. And a neighbor asks you to employ her over-aged son in your company. Doubts gnaw at you: the person has never worked for a day, is not serious, and leads the wrong lifestyle. But you don’t want to offend your neighbor, so ask your boss to hire the guy. As a result, he is kicked out of his position, and you bite your elbows about your indiscretion. But intuition suggested that it would not be worth agreeing from the beginning.
Of course, it is impossible to live without compromises. And at work, and in friendship, in personal life, you will sometimes have to make concessions. The main thing is that your interests are taken into account. If you simply hush up grievances, crying into your pillow at night, then there can be no question of any compromises - you are simply being used. And you follow the lead. Love and respect yourself, know how to defend your point of view. And agree to a compromise if you yourself want to. Not at the will of another person.
