I want to talk about school and whether school attendance is compulsory or optional.

I often hear from many Russian acquaintances that one of the advantages of living in Russia is the opportunity to pick up a child from school at any time and go with him on vacation, skiing, hiking, etc. Moreover, we are not talking about taking a walk for one or two days, but about periods from a week to a month. That is, as far as I understand, in Russia this is an absolutely normal thing and is practiced everywhere.
In Germany, this is, indeed, officially prohibited - you can skip three days with a note from your parents, if more, a doctor’s certificate is required. Wikipedia says that monetary fines are levied for absenteeism, although I have not heard of any real cases where parents were fined for their child skipping school. But that's not the point. I thought that if I suddenly wanted to “excuse” the children from school for the sake of some trip and wrote an official statement addressed to the director that this was a super important event to preserve the native language, then the director might let him go, but the children after all, they themselves will not agree. And not because they are some particularly exemplary and exemplary students.

I’m not taking the option here when the child hates school, tries to skip school at every opportunity and goes there only because his parents force him to. It seems to me that this is an abnormal situation, and that in this case something urgently needs to be done about it. I had a period when Maka didn’t want to go to school because she was bullied in class, and I allowed her to skip almost every other day and wrote notes to school that she was absent for health reasons. But then we were dealing with this issue, trying to improve the situation in the old school, and at the same time looking for a new one, and it was clear that this was a temporary situation that would somehow be resolved and that we had to somehow endure.

But if a child likes it at school, and he goes there more or less with pleasure, then he turns out to be integrated into the process, into school life. And something is constantly happening there - tests, tests, essays, rehearsals, school concerts, holidays, performances, competitions, trips, and some other events. In addition to formal, actual school events, there are also informal things - communication with friends, joint preparation for tests or essays, birthdays... And the child, not to mention the missed material itself (which, of course, can be read in the textbook), It also falls out of all this. Arriving later at school after a long absence, he discovers that some important things happened without him, that he is not aware of many class affairs, that in his absence new companies have formed, that the children with whom he was friends before are busy together some project that started when he was not there, and he remained on the sidelines, etc. And usually the child understands this and does not want to be absent from class for a long time during school hours.

Therefore, I do not quite understand this position of parents. How can you just pick up and take your child on vacation during the school year? What if at this time he has a school play, for which he has been rehearsing for six months and is playing the main role? What if he has a presentation of his annual project? Important test? I see two options: one is the one I described at the beginning, when the child, by definition, hates school and is glad of any opportunity to skip school. And the other is when parents believe that the child’s affairs are a completely unimportant thing, and there is no need to pay attention to them and adapt to them, but proceed solely from their plans. If it’s convenient for us to go on vacation at this time, because it works out at work, it’s cheaper than a trip, etc., then we’re going and taking the child with us, and few people are interested in the fact that the child may also have his own affairs and plans. Or parents take the position that school is not important at all, it is in any case only a necessary evil, and we want to manage the child’s time ourselves and only decide for ourselves when he should go there and when not. It seems to me that this is from the series "Law? What is the law?" But, on the other hand, the same parents are usually very concerned about choosing a school for their child, so that it is not an “ordinary school”, but a good, elite, prestigious one; a lot of time is spent preparing for school, there are exams, selection, not everyone is accepted and so on.

And somehow I don’t connect one with the other. Maybe I don't understand something? Explain.

This time provides new experiences and poses many difficult personal challenges. Much of your time is spent at school, a place where class pressure and relationships with other children can cause stress. Some teenagers tend to approach new situations with enthusiasm, while others tend to show a need for close relationships with their family. For some children, the very thought of being at school away from home and parents already causes great anxiety. These children, especially if they are faced with situations that frighten them or that they feel they cannot handle, will do anything to avoid returning to school.
This type of school avoidance—sometimes called school refusal or school anxiety—is common and affects approximately 5% of children. Such teenagers may once and for all refuse to go to school or come up with reasons why they should not go there. They may frequently miss school, complaining of feeling unwell with vague, unexplained symptoms. Many children exhibit symptoms associated with feelings of anxiety and restlessness that they cannot consciously control. They may experience headaches, stomach pain, hyperventilation, nausea or dizziness. In general, clearer symptoms such as vomiting, diarrhea, fever or weight loss that have a physical basis are quite rare. Symptoms of school refusal occur most often on school days and do not occur on weekends. When such children are examined by a doctor, he cannot diagnose the true disease. However, because the symptoms the child is complaining of may be caused by a physical illness, a physical examination should generally be the basis of the assessment.
More often than not, teens who avoid school don't know exactly why they feel sick, so it can be difficult to explain their discomfort or distress. But if concerns about school lead to avoidance, the symptoms themselves may signal emotional struggles with issues such as:

• fear of failure;
• ridicule from other children (for example, a child may be teased because he is fat or short;
• concerns about how to use the toilet in a public place;
• “meanness” on the part of the teacher;
• threats of physical harm (as forms of school fighting);
• actual physical harm.

For some teens, the school environment can add to existing stress. For example, if a child tends to be overly conscientious and expects only good things from himself, fear of failure can gradually lead to an overwhelming and paralyzing feeling of fear.
In some cases, children may have had to deal with the loss of a loved one who died, a divorce, or a move to another city. Especially if the child is still young, he may be afraid that another loss may occur while he is away from home.
In addition to the school environment itself, school avoidance may be associated with difficulties in separating the child from parents and a loss of a sense of security in gaining greater independence. These teenagers tend to lack self-confidence, are less independent than their peers, and are less socially active. They may be reluctant to stay overnight with friends, preferring to spend time at home with their parents. Some children who have disabilities or chronic illnesses may be even more resistant to going to school and being away from home, which provides them with a safe haven and a place where they are cared for.
While parents of such children show their love and understanding, they can also be overprotective. In some cases, parents are depressed or have a physical illness and may unconsciously want to spend time with their child. A teenager is often an only child or a special child in some other respect - for example, he may be the first or last child in a large family.
As a child reaches adolescence, fear of school decreases; however, when this condition develops in pre-adolescence, it is of great concern. Younger teenagers who experience this feeling of fear are often afraid of getting older. They may also be overwhelmed by stressful situations at home that affect their sense of security or self-confidence, making them even less able to face challenging academic and social challenges.

How to deal with school truancy

First of all, to deal with school avoidance, the child needs to be examined by a doctor who will rule out physical illnesses and help the parents create a treatment plan. Once the doctor has ruled out physical illness as a reason for the child's reluctance to attend school, all parents' efforts should be directed not only to understanding the pressure the teenager is under, but also to getting the child back to school.

Here are some guidelines to help your child cope with his problems.

• Discuss with your child the reasons why he does not want to go to school. Review and identify all possible causes. Show empathy, support and understanding of the child's problems. Try to resolve all stressful situations that you together have identified as the cause of your child’s anxiety.
• Let your teen know that you understand his concerns, but still insist that he return to school immediately. The longer a child stays at home, the more difficult it will be for him to return to school. Explain to your child that his health is normal and that his physical symptoms are likely caused by concerns he has shared with you - perhaps concerns about grades at school, homework, relationships with teachers, concerns about social pressure, etc. or unfounded fears of violence at school. Let him know that school attendance is compulsory for all children according to the laws of your country. However, he will continue to pressure you to let him stay at home, but you must firmly insist that he return to school.
• Discuss your child's school avoidance with school staff, including teachers, the principal, and the nurse. Share your plans for your child's return to school and enlist their support and help.
• Make it a rule to be extremely decisive in the morning when your child goes to school and complains about his symptoms. Try to keep discussions about his symptoms or concerns to a minimum. For example, do not ask your child how he is feeling. If he feels well enough to get out of bed and walk around the house, then he can go to school. Don't openly express your doubts about whether you are doing the right thing by sending your child to school. Once your child begins going to school regularly, his physical symptoms will likely cease.
• If your child's anxiety is too much, it may be best for him to return to school gradually. For example, on the first day he might wake up in the morning, get dressed, and then you drive him past the school so he can experience the feeling of being back at school before you go home with him. On the second day, he can go to school for half a day, either only for his favorite lesson or several lessons. On the third day, the child can finally return to school for the whole day.
• Your pediatrician can help ease your child's transition back to school by issuing a note stating that your child previously exhibited some symptoms that prevented them from attending school, but although symptoms may persist, they are now can go back to school. This will help the child avoid feelings of shame and humiliation.
• Ask school staff to help you while your child is at school. The school nurse or secretary can care for your child if he or she begins to show symptoms and encourage him or her to return to class.
• If your child's concern is about an issue such as bullying at school or an unfair teacher, act as an advocate for the child and discuss these issues with school staff. The teacher or school principal will need to make some arrangements to reduce the pressure placed on the child in the classroom or on the playground.
• If your child remains at home, make sure he is comfortable and safe, but does not receive any special treatment. All its symptoms should be treated based on analysis and understanding of the situation. If the child's complaints are not unfounded, he should remain in bed. But this day at home should not become a holiday for him: do not give him any special treats or delicacies, do not allow visitors; the child must be supervised at all times.
• Your child may need to be seen by a doctor if he or she must stay home because of illness. The reasons why a child stays at home may include not only complaints that he does not feel well, but also the manifestation of quite recognizable symptoms: temperature above 38.3 ° C, vomiting, diarrhea, rash, frequent dry cough, ear infections. or toothache.
• Help your child become independent by supporting activities and activities with other children outside the home. These could be clubs, sports clubs, and overnight stays with friends or relatives.

When to get help if your child is skipping school

While you can try to resolve school refusal on your own, if your child's school refusal lasts longer than a week, you and your child may need professional help to deal with the problem. First of all, your child should be examined by a pediatrician. If your child continues to refuse to attend school or shows chronic or recurrent signs of separation problems, your doctor may recommend consulting with a child psychiatrist or psychologist.
Even if a child does not tend to get involved in adventures, the manifestation of unexplained physical symptoms should prompt a medical examination.

But let’s imagine that you supported your child’s proposal not to go to school tomorrow. And they were surprised to notice that the next day the sky did not fall to the ground and nothing had changed. Except for one thing - your relationship with your child has become even better. Coincidence?

Is there anything to be afraid of?

Many teachers would not support the decision to have an unauthorized day off. And they would even be armed with evidence that sounds very convincing. After all, skipping school lessons with parental permission is a direct road to permissiveness and skipping classes on your own without parental consent. What if this behavior becomes a habit? And here the most terrible events, which will lead to irreparable consequences, begin to take on a truly frightening development.

But, on the other hand, all this is a strong exaggeration. You only allowed me to walk for one day. It is unlikely that one day will completely change your child’s academic performance, convince him that he can now skip school and have time to create a bad habit. Even if in today's math lesson the whole class was diligently delving into a new topic, and your child stayed at home, a disaster will not happen.

Firstly, there are textbooks that describe new topics in sufficient detail.

Secondly, there is no guarantee that a student who has not had enough sleep and is tired will better perceive new information within the walls of school.

Thirdly, the topic is explained to 25-30 students. In a 45-minute lesson, it is impossible to find an approach to everyone and make sure that the child really understands the material. From this position, it is even more profitable to sit over textbooks at home.

Sometimes you can (and even need) to take a walk

If a child asks to stay home for one day, it means that there are certain reasons for this. Of course, you can answer that you need to go to school every day, and not when you want and are in the mood, but it is better to deal with the root of the problem, and not with its side effects.

Perhaps the child is bullied at school, or he does not have time to understand new topics, or something causes him fear, irritation, or anger. There can be a lot of reasons. And parents are the closest people to children and only they are able to understand the current situation.

But if a child comes home from school with good grades, feels great in a team and easily learns the material from the lesson, but still doesn’t want to go to school today, this is also a reason to stay home.

Here psychologists are already taking the floor, who strongly advise organizing small family strikes against the system of gray everyday life. This way you and your baby can feel like one team that accepts and respects each other’s feelings and desires. At this very moment, the connection between you will become even stronger, without which it would be very difficult to build a relationship with your child. Most importantly, thanks to this approach, children will learn to trust their parents, and not see them as daily control.

In addition, the child will have the opportunity to sleep and relax. He will put his thoughts in order, he will have time for things that he constantly put off. Do you often find yourself thinking while rushing about urgent matters that you want to stop at least for a minute and watch the beauty of nature, the bright colors of the sunset, the funny birds in the trees?

Children get into this race quite early, where they need to constantly keep up with something and cannot miss anything. They, like many adults, forget to look around and see beauty. And noticing beauty in seemingly ordinary little things is a topic as complex as studying a new paragraph in history. And why not pause your daily responsibilities and remember that there is life around you. She is interesting, unique, unusual, complex.

Imagine: a child gets ready for school in the morning. And you are absolutely sure that this is so. Only after some time you learn from the class teacher that the purpose of his morning gatherings was not school at all.

Why do children skip school? Where do they spend their study time? Why does the child do this and how to react to it? To find answers to these and other questions on this topic, we suggest reading our material, in which we will analyze the signs of such behavior, the model of behavior and communication with the truant.

It happens that parents are faced with such a problem in raising their children as school absenteeism. As a rule, this problem becomes relevant in high school. It can cause a storm of indignation among both parents and teachers.

The news that a child does not attend school often comes as a surprise to parents. Adults may react to it differently. Strict parents punish a disobedient son or daughter. In liberal families, they try to understand the truant and do not condemn him. And those mothers and fathers who are too busy with their own affairs completely turn a blind eye to the child’s problems.

Failure to attend school leads not only to falling behind, but also to an increase in negative reputation among the school administration, teachers and classmates. Left to their own devices, truants are more likely than others to become victims of accidents, are exposed to bad influences, and commit crimes. In addition, they constantly lie to family and friends. But before you shout about the lost generation, you need to understand why children decide to do such things, what pushes them to skip classes and how to deal with it.

Absenteeism can happen once, or it can have a permanent, chronic form. And this is not the main problem. In this situation, the most important thing to understand is the following: the cause of concern should not be the lack of attendance at school itself, but the reluctance or fear of the child to confess to his parents why he really does not want to go to school.

Solving such a problem is not easy. Obviously, punishment, shouting and assault in this situation can only make the situation worse. You need to be able to find a method that will be effective and not destructive. Remember: to solve any problem, you need to find out its causes. When the reasons become clear, then the answer to the question “What to do?” will come on its own.

The first signs of school truancy

It is not always possible to find out about absenteeism the first time. But you can understand whether your child was at school today or not by his behavior. If a child has a tendency to truancy, then this will be noticeable in behavior patterns, by tracking which you can prevent absenteeism.

• constant negative feedback about classmates and teachers;
• difficult getting out of bed;
• bad mood before school;
• failure to complete all homework or completing it late at night;
• systemic requests to stay home on Fridays or Mondays;
• negative reactions to conversations about school performance;
• complete lack of interest, for example, in what to wear to school and what to take with you;
• causeless eating disorders;
• frequent “unreasonable” complaints of headaches and abdominal pain;
• presence of bad habits;
• friendship with unreliable guys;
• the child’s closed personal world, reluctance to let parents into it.

Reasons for school absenteeism

A person will do something half-heartedly (or not at all) if he knows that he can do something else with much more interest. And this fact does not affect age. Yes, someone will notice that the interests of adults and children are different, but there are as many reasons why a child skips school as there are for adults who shirk their immediate responsibilities.

A child may not go to school for various reasons, which are often more difficult to understand and solve than they seem. The following can be distinguished main reasons for absenteeism.

• A child may not be interested in school either because everything there is “too abstruse” or because he already knows everything that they are trying to explain to him.
• Sometimes it happens that in an absolutely calm and friendly atmosphere at school, a child is faced with another problem - the discrepancy between his type of thinking and teaching methods. Also, a similar problem arises among indigo children, who see the world a little differently and cannot fit into the rigid framework of the school canon.
• The child can concentrate his attention on other activities: computer games, movies, and at an older age, dating. This does not mean that the child lacks motivation to acquire knowledge. He strives to receive them, but not at school, with the help of other sources.
• A child who has pronounced abilities in a certain area usually does not really like objects of the opposite direction. If parents send such a student to a specialized class, where most subjects are unloved, then this may cause a fear of making mistakes and becoming the worst in the class, a fear of failure. As a result, this can lead to constant absenteeism.
• The root of evil can also be associated with personal perception of oneself, uncertainty, complexes, and tightness. A large number of children face these feelings, but those who are unable to cope with them try to run away from problems and protect themselves from them.
• Problems with socialization and the team are a serious obstacle that creates fear of people and reluctance to be in society.
• The reason for absenteeism may also be the unfriendly (or even aggressive) behavior of classmates towards the child.
• Also, the child can see that “truants” are treated in a special way in the class. They are feared, respected, and are authorities. Naturally, such popularity can attract a child.
• A child may start skipping school due to insufficient attention from family and friends, especially in adolescence. “Why pay attention to your education, why try, if no one is interested in me, my life and my problems?”
• Absenteeism may be caused by fear of not meeting parents' expectations, which can often be unreasonably high and practically unrealistic.
• A child growing up in a family with a liberal upbringing can take advantage of the loyalty and permissiveness that is provided to him by his parents, and skip classes without a twinge of conscience, knowing that even if something becomes clear, the punishment will not be strong.
• Not wanting to seem like a loser, fear of looking stupid. For example, after some kind of misconduct, the teacher demands that he not show up at school without his parents, and the child can’t think of anything better than not showing up at school at all.
• Excessive guardianship of a child can cause his whims and selfish attitude. Be careful: you can “cover up” the child yourself, fall for his false bad health or some other excuse.
• The fear of bad grades, tests or assignments can be absolutely unbearable, which will lead the child to think about skipping school.
• The child’s learning pace does not match the pace of the rest of the class. This applies to slow children who do not have time to perceive information, analyze and assimilate it. Eventually, such children lose motivation to study.
• Fear of a particular teacher, fear of his teaching methods, personal conflict with him can serve as a reason, first, for not attending only one subject, and then for all the others.

Specific steps to solve the problem of absenteeism will be individual for each family. The main thing is to carry them out from the position of helping the child. In an effort to restore relationships and affairs, you cannot use the method of punishment or scandal.

For whatever reason, the child misses school, parents should find out all the circumstances of this fact and try to talk as openly as possible with the truant. No shouting or threats. Patience, thoughtful decisions, correct reactions, actions and the desire to establish trust between you and the child will certainly help resolve such a problem.

Any efforts that parents can provide to their children will not be superfluous. Be sure to help your child cope with the first problems, do not close your eyes to them and do not consider them trifles. Trust your children, but do not forget to pay attention to their childhood difficulties, do not be indifferent to their concerns. To avoid serious conflicts with your family, the world around you and yourself, remember: if you miss the “moment of no return”, it will be very, very difficult to change something in the child’s psyche and behavior.

Ekaterina DAVIDOVSKAYA, psychologist