Question for a psychologist:

Good afternoon. I have a friend with whom I have been friends for almost 6 years. A year and a half ago, we slept with him and all these year and a half we continued to be friends and at the same time I slept with him. He and I agreed that it was only intimacy without a relationship, and I treated him as a friend and that’s all. But five months ago, a girl who liked him started calling him, he said that he treats her as a friend only in the same way as he treats me. I was very jealous of him for her, angry with him and realized that I liked him more than a friend. After I started being jealous of him, I behaved terribly, always getting angry and screaming at him. She spoke rude words to him and was rude to him when communicating with him. Because I couldn’t admit that I felt something for him, it was difficult not only for him but also for myself. It’s always hard for me to talk to someone about my feelings and I hid it from him. A couple of days ago I learned from him that he was considering her as a future girlfriend and he liked her. There was no point in hiding anymore and I told him that I liked him. He said that he didn’t feel anything for me, that I was a very good friend and that’s all. And that he never considered me as a girl, because I was programmed in his head as a friend. And he also said that he was shocked that I liked him, because when they told him that I liked him, I turned it all into a joke and said that we are not a couple and that he is not the one with whomever I wanted to be. He said that I demanded the truth from him, but I myself lied about my feelings, and he believed me. He also said that he did not want to stop our communication, because I was the only girl with whom he was so friendly and that I supported him in many ways. And he asked why I didn’t say this before, like if I had said it earlier, it would have been easier for me to forget him. And that it will be difficult for me to communicate with him further, but I also don’t want to interrupt our friendship, because I value him. She also said that even if he meets with the girl whom he seems to be studying now and is considering as a future girlfriend, then I will not interfere with him and will be happy for her. I said that I don’t demand anything from him, because I understand that you can’t order your heart and I can’t achieve anything by force. She said how our communication will continue, I don’t know that time will tell and I need time. But I can’t see how he communicates with her, which hurts and is not pleasant for me. He said that he did not want to lose me as a friend and that he values ​​me very much, but my character does not suit him and that I am no worse than the other one he likes. We stopped our friendly intimacy. He asked for forgiveness for everything, said that he didn’t want this to happen. He said that it was also hard for him to accept that I told him that I liked him. I didn’t want him to like me either, but I can’t change anything. How can I continue to live? How to forget him? It hurts me so much that he didn’t choose me, that you can only sleep with me and cannot be considered as a girl. I cry for a couple of days, I can’t see anyone and I can’t talk to anyone. I only think about him and that girl. That they will be together. And we will have to see each other, since we have a common group of friends. I feel terrible, pain and resentment overwhelm me. How to get rid of this? And why can’t I be worthy? For the first time, I was the first to admit to a guy that I liked him and was humiliated by this in my eyes. How can I continue to communicate with him? How to behave? Thank you in advance for your answer.

Psychologist Yulia Vladimirovna Vasilyeva answers the question.

Hello, Polina!

I deeply sympathize with you that you have become a “victim” of an irresponsible relationship. But there is always a way out of any difficult situation, so together with you we will find it!

Polina, the reason or root of your problem is that you started building a relationship with a young man incorrectly. Now, after six years of friendship, you feel broken and empty. You feel sorry for yourself because you did not count on such an end, giving yourself entirely to your friend.

Relationships between a man and a woman can be different. There can be an honest friendship when you perceive each other as partners, excluding the thought of intimate relationships. But if sympathy arises for each other, as men do for women, then the relationship takes on a different shade and behavior changes. In the process of building a relationship between a man and a woman, there should always be a romantic period when the man cares for the woman, shows her signs of attention, and wins her trust. By nature, men are “hunters”; they need the hunting process, which includes a range of feelings and emotions that emphasize his masculinity. During the romantic period, a woman needs to be able to accept courtship with dignity, but at the same time preserve her “zest,” a secret that she will reveal only when the man is ready to take responsibility for the relationship. Her secret lies in her femininity and wisdom. A wise woman will never trust herself to the hands of a carefree and immature youth. She will only allow intimate relationships in marriage, because she has chosen a mature man who is able to protect her, love her and be faithful to her. This is the one who will become the father of her children in the future. And this is an important fact.

You will say that now there are few who live and think like this. Nowadays, it is common to have promiscuous relationships that do not carry any responsibility. Therefore, people do not experience real feelings and become like animals, satisfying their “animal” instinct. Therefore, Polina, you feel betrayal and disappointment, because you are a person, not an animal. You deserve respect, protection, love and care from a man, and not free use without obligation. But the person took advantage of you, satisfying his need, calling his behavior “friendship.” Women who become easy prey for men soon become uninteresting to them. As a rule, men do not consider such a woman as a bride or future wife. Alas, this is the reality. In relationships, emotional dependence always arises, but in the case of intimacy, emotional dependence becomes stronger, therefore, when people break off relationships, they suffer greatly mentally, so promiscuous intimate relationships are very dangerous.

What should you do in this situation?

Firstly, I would strongly recommend that you break off relations with this young man, excluding even communication in a common company. Otherwise, there will be no end to your suffering. You were vulnerable to a treacherous attitude towards yourself, so every time you meet him, a bouquet of negative emotions will arise in your soul. I don't think you need this. You, Polina, need to take the direction to heal your soul, so some alienation will save you. Healing will take time, so make the most of it.

Secondly, take care of yourself. What I mean? Pay attention to your personal development. It could be books, it could be different kinds of creativity: music, drawing, dancing, embroidery, knitting, etc. I recommend that you attend self-development trainings and watch seminars. You need to rebuild your self-esteem so that you feel confident. If necessary, take a course with a psychologist.

Secondly, take care of your appearance. Even if you look great, in order to increase your self-esteem you need to take care of yourself. Get creative, change your hairstyle or hair color, visit a cosmetologist, makeup artist, etc. Buy yourself new clothes that will make you feel comfortable and great. Let other men pay attention to you, become bright and unique!

Thirdly, to get out of depression, do physical activity. Sign up for a fitness class, or start doing morning jogging and light exercises. Pay attention to your diet and sleep patterns. Your mood depends on these banal things.

Fourth, meet new interesting people. Visit places where you can make new friends and share common interests, and be sure to learn something useful from them.

But, I wouldn’t advise you to plunge headlong into a new relationship with your next boyfriend in order to prove to your ex-boyfriend that you are a worthy girl. This turn of events will not save you, but on the contrary, it will devastate you. You don't need to prove anything to anyone. It is important that you learn to value and respect yourself, then you will not be accessible and frivolous in the eyes of men. Remember that you have dignity!

Polina, after everything you have experienced, life still goes on. And even if you made mistakes, you can correct them and move forward. You will still meet a worthy man in your life and be able to create a happy family!

Make your choice wisely and you will be happy!

5 Rating 5.00 (11 Votes)

He is the man of your dreams, you see each other constantly, talk on the phone for hours and text all day. It seems to you that an ideal relationship is just around the corner, but there is not a hint from him. "What's happening?" – you ask yourself. It's simple: you are only a friend for him. PEOPLETALK will tell you how to understand that you are in the friend zone.

Does he complain to you about his life and talk about ex-girlfriends with whom he suffered a lot? No, he is not trying to prepare you for a relationship with himself, he simply perceives you as a friend who will probably have good advice.

There is no need to find excuses. No, it's most likely not that he's just an indecisive person. If in the evenings he discusses a football match with you " Spartacus» – « Dynamo", suggests running into a nearby pub ( it doesn't matter that you drink cherry, it doesn't make you more feminine), then no romance will appear in your relationship.

You agreed to meet, you dream of a date, and he comes to it in the company of his friend. Most likely, this is not an attempt to arrange a “browse”, but just another sign of falling into the friend zone. “My friends should know each other, and it’s even better if they’re in good company,” - probably the object of your adoration thinks exactly this way. But this situation is not hopeless, and if this happens to you one day, say directly: “ I wanted to see you and spend the evening alone with you" If you do this carefully and not in the form of a complaint from a girl offended by life, then there is a chance that the guy will look at you with different eyes.

Ignoring is a clear indicator of a frivolous attitude. Yes, he may be busy, but if he is really interested in you, he will definitely make time to call, write SMS or come. Take it as a fact: if a man is in love, then he moves mountains.

If he addresses you only as “dude”, “bro”, “hammer”, pats you on the shoulder, ruffles your hair like an older brother and gives you a scale for your birthday with the words “I think you wanted it” - accept it. Nothing will change. Leave the magical stories of friendship that grows into love for Hollywood rom-coms, but understand: a good friend is also a gift of fate, sometimes even better than a romance.

Here are a few rules for getting out of the friend zone that may work:

1. Create the appearance of competition. Let him try, not you. Let him know that you do not suffer from a lack of male attention.

2. Disappear for a while. Stop writing, calling and answering messages. Let him worry a little and feel that he misses you.

3. Improve yourself. The easiest way to show someone what you've lost is to become the best version of yourself. Believe me, it works!

4. Believe in his success and praise him for every little thing. He tells you: " I signed a contract", and you answer him: " Handsome!"? No " handsome guys"! Only " what a great fellow you are!»

5. Flirt! Don't forget about him! It is most important. Let your chosen one know that you have plans for him.

Incredible facts

Sometimes the strongest relationships grow from innocent friendships.

On the other hand, you may sit in the friend zone for years, afraid to tell someone who considers you just a friend how you feel.

How do you know if there is more between you than an ordinary friendship?

Here are 15 sure signs that a person has more than just platonic feelings for you.

Love for a friend

1. They don’t call you a friend.

Very often, a person's true feelings are revealed through his words, which he uses in conversation with you. If you are not called a friend, this usually indicates that you have the status of a more significant person.

The person may simply mention you by name or, in extreme cases, call you a “close friend” rather than just a friend.

In fact, it is quite easy to understand the feelings of another person simply by observing the sincere manner in which the other person speaks about you.

2. Touches in certain places

When people care about each other, they often have an uncontrollable, annoying desire to be as close to each other as possible.

A friend who struggles with strong feelings will find any excuse to touch you. Touching does not always indicate more than a friendly relationship, and in some cases it is a common thing between friends.

But how often and how intimate these touches are will tell a lot about a person’s secret desires. A gentle nudge with your elbow, a pat on your shoulder, or a desire to hold your hand can all be signs of budding feelings.

3. Finds an excuse to be alone

One of the most common problems that arises when you develop feelings for a friend is the inability to spend time alone. Friends most often spend time in a large company and are in full view of others. Someone who sees you as more than a friend will look for any opportunity to be face to face.

A friend who ignores your mutual friends and directs all attention to you when you are in a large group clearly wants a more romantic relationship.

4. Looks at you in a special way

Eyes are the mirror of the soul. With their help you can convey many emotions. Therefore, sometimes it is enough to look into a person’s eyes to understand his true feelings for you.

If a person looks at you intently and for a long time, or, on the contrary, restlessly looks away and is afraid to look into your eyes when you look back, this may indicate that they are looking at you as more than just a friend.

5. Asks about your past relationships

Curiosity about your past relationship could be a sign that someone is hoping to romance you. This suggests that the person is beginning to imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship with you.

He is trying to get rid of your image as a friend and replace it with the image of a partner. Questions about your personal life are a clear indicator of intimate desires, otherwise he simply would not be interested in such things.

6. Finds out your plans for the future

When a person secretly wants a serious relationship with a “friend,” he begins to worry that he may have plans for someone else, and the chance to be together will be missed.

For this reason, he may often wonder if you have someone in mind and if you are going to build a relationship with someone else. From the outside it may seem like an innocent interest in your personal life, but someone who closely follows your plans for the future definitely treats you as more than a friend.

7. Jealous

Jealousy is perhaps the most undeniable sign of deep feelings for someone. If a person feels a pang of jealousy when someone tries to win your attention, he wants to be in the place of his opponent.

Jealousy in the status of a friend is especially painful, since the person understands that he missed his chance to be close to you and wants to change his situation.

In the absence of such feelings, jealousy would hardly bother your friend.

8. Remembers important dates

If you communicate often, and your friend knows your birthday and other memorable dates, you can rest assured that there is no smell of friendship here.

The person is so obsessed with you that he is counting down the days until he can prove to you how much he cares about you. If he attaches special importance to this, then he truly cares about your life.

9. Body language speaks for itself

Besides a glance, other gestures can tell a lot more about a person’s feelings than words. It's quite easy to understand how a friend feels about you just by observing their body language.

For example, women often straighten or play with their hair, and unconsciously touch their bodies in the presence of someone they feel sympathy for.

Men may try to straighten their shoulders and take up as much space as possible to attract attention. All this will tell you your friend's intentions.

10. Flirts with you

An interested friend often begins to flirt with the object of his affections. Even if a person is not very sociable, he will try to flirt with you, even if not too obviously for fear of being rejected.

Flirting is another way to test the waters and see if the feelings will be mutual. This is a sign that your friend wants a more serious relationship.

11. Tells friends about you

When a person constantly thinks about you, everything reminds him of the object of his love, and he has a desire to tell others about you.

You may hear people around you say things like " We've heard a lot about you". Such behavior is a clear hint of affection of more than a friendly nature.

12. Always tries to look good

When we are trying to make a good impression, we constantly worry about our appearance and preen ourselves in the presence of the object of our affections.

A man can straighten his shirt or trousers, smooth his hair, women dress in such a way as to emphasize their advantages, and in general begin to pay more attention to their appearance.

Without a doubt, such a friend wants a closer relationship with you.

13. Hints that he is free

If a friend considers you as a lover, he will in every possible way hint that he has no one. Consider that there is no need to share this information if you are just friends.

Most often, a hint of loneliness will be said casually, as if casually, but in fact, the person makes it clear that he is free and ready for a relationship.

14. Expects a lot from you

A friend who has more intimate feelings for you will be very upset if you deprive him of attention or ignore him.

You can easily upset him if you forget about a meeting or a promise you made to him. Friends rarely experience such feelings, and in these cases, they prefer to forget and forgive.

A person who is not indifferent to you will expect more, since you matter more to him.

15. Makes you jealous

If your friend is trying to make you jealous, this is a classic sign that he has romantic feelings for you.

Firstly, with such actions a person wants to attract attention to himself, and secondly, to monitor your reaction and whether the presence of a possible rival bothers you.

Although this method can stir up strong emotions and resentment, it is one of the surest indicators that they want much more from you than just friendship.

The relationship between a guy and a girl is a complicated thing. Girls may not notice a guy, and then suddenly fall in love, or develop a relationship slowly and steadily. However, the guys try and build relationships. But often they are faced with the fact that the development of relationships only leads to friendship. Why did this happen and how to proceed? This is exactly what we will look at in our article.

In order to understand this problem, you need to understand the reasons why the girl considers you only a friend. But we can say with complete confidence that your chosen one is either not deciding on a serious relationship. Or the girl has no interest in you.

There are several main reasons why you are only a friend for a girl:

1. She is not attracted to you as a man. Yes, you are a good, reliable person with whom it is interesting to communicate, but nothing more. That's why you're only suitable for her as a friend.

2. The girl has someone. If you know that this is not the case, then do not exclude the possibility that your friend may have sympathy for another person. That's why she doesn't notice you.

In any case, don't give up. After all, this is the lot of weak people. You need to be patient and see the potential for future relationships in friendship. By understanding the reason, you need to protect yourself from the main mistakes that guys make in such a situation.

And so, what not to do if a girl said that she considers you only a friend:

1. Don't get depressed. Friendship is already something. Initially, you must understand that if a girl offers you friendship, then this is not so bad. Because you are at least a reliable person with whom she is interested in communicating, and this is not a bad thing.

2. No ultimatums. You shouldn’t put the question bluntly and say that you can’t be a friend because you have deep feelings for her. By doing this, you will most likely be left with nothing. With such words you will not win the girl’s heart, but will only push her away from you.

3. And most importantly, don’t be a bore. Don't bother your girl with constant calls and messages. Many guys begin to almost follow the girl. With such actions they only bother and scare the girl away. You are a man, so have respect for yourself.

Girls love persistent men. But they also love men who know how to compromise and, if necessary, can give in to them. After all, it is actually very difficult to live with a dictator. Agree to friendship and understand that this is not a categorical “no” told to you, but only temporary. Therefore, first of all, show your beloved that you are a truly reliable and not annoying friend.

Don't forget that love between a girl and a guy often begins with friendship.

And so, understanding not the hopelessness of your situation, but seeing only bright prospects in it, let’s move on to the final solution to your problem.

Let's consider what you need to change in yourself so that a girl sees you as her potential man:

1. Charm. Girls fall in love with men who know how to impress. Develop good qualities in yourself that your chosen one likes.

2. Flirting. Learn to subtly hint to a girl about something more. The ability to flirt with your eyes, facial expressions and words is a serious weapon in the fight for a girl’s heart.

3. Compliments. The beautiful half of humanity loves good words in their direction. This way, you will let the girl know that you are very attracted to her.

4. Confidence and reliability. These are the feelings your friend should experience when she is with you. These are the qualities that tell you that you can be relied upon.

Using these tips, you will make yourself more attractive. And over time, your chosen one will understand that the one she was looking for for a serious relationship is next to her and that is you.

We need trust in order to
to manipulate people.

I couldn’t come up with a bright title for this article, I couldn’t come up with some way to get as many girls as possible to read it.

But I still hope that my note will not go unnoticed by all of you. Or at least for most.

Increasingly, letters began to arrive in our mail, the content of which resonates in my soul.

“He kisses me, calls me, gives me flowers. Sometimes we go for walks. But he always insists that we are just friends. What should I do?"

I recently read this interesting phrase:

“A man who is familiar with the rules of good manners conquers immediately. He opened the door for you and let you pass ahead, offered his hand at the exit from public transport, or, ahead of you, gallantly opened the door of his own car for you. Do not rush to exclaim: “There are still more gentlemen in this world!” It is possible that your gallant gentleman uses his tact for manipulative purposes.”

Perhaps your man is just like that? Today I will help answer the question “What to do?” to many girls. I will open the eyes of many to what is happening. However, many of you will not want to hear me and that is bad.

“Baby, I really like you, but I just recently broke up with my girlfriend. I'm in pain. We can only be friends"

"We are just friends" and after that a long passionate kiss.

“For now, I want to develop my career. Sorry"

“My parents want me to study first.”

If you hear something like that from a person you like, then I would quickly run away if I were you.

Why do they do this?

It's simple! Men want free, unburdened relationships. They want you to sleep with them, kiss them and go out with them absolutely whenever it’s convenient for them. No one wants to see you as their girlfriend or introduce you to their close friends. Give you Teddy bears or write tender SMS.

Men of this kind have their own ideas about relationships - we are friends, she does not control me, but we sleep with her. By saying all of the above phrases, a man is giving some kind of warning, “Baby, don’t expect me to be your boyfriend!” If you suddenly suspect him of having a relationship with another woman, going out to clubs or other crap, you will hear in response “Hey, I warned you! We're just friends!"

You will waste time on a person with whom you have no future!

Lately, girls have been writing to us who have... This behavior is common among men and the older they are, the more skillfully they take advantage of the naivety of girls.

He promises to call and does not call, appears unexpectedly with a bouquet of flowers or an apologetic look/phrases, kisses him goodbye and says that he missed you. And then it disappears again. In this way, he ties you to himself, does not let you forget that he is in your life - so sweet, caring and good.

It’s even worse if the man doesn’t even hide his goals. He hugs and kisses you, maybe trying to sleep with you. At the same time, insisting in every possible way that you are close friends. Stay away. For women this is called "dynamo". You will be left with nothing!

Don’t believe a word in a sentence that begins with the phrase “We are friends...”, because this person is a malicious manipulator who, if something happens, can say “I warned you!”, “It’s your own fault!”

“Manipulating a person is a delicate matter. If you spare him, he will follow his whims. Be too strict and he will turn against you."

As you can see, the more gentle and better he behaves with you, the more he attracts you. After all, subconsciously, a person, a person who tells us pleasant phrases, is perceived as something positive in your life. It seems to you that he is not lying, citing business and concerns and disappearing for several days or weeks.

A long time ago I read this thought: “No one can manipulate anyone. Both are aware of what they are doing, even if later one of them complains that he was used,” and I am sure that the person who invented it is absolutely right.

Don't you like his behavior? Do you want more? Then everything is in your hands! You cannot be an obedient puppet in the hands of the player, appearing on stage exactly at the moment when it is convenient for him!

What to do?

• First of all, clearly decide for yourself - are you ready to break this knot, even if it would be valuable to break all contacts with this man?
• Do you want a full-fledged relationship or are you satisfied with everything?
• Talk to him. Tell him to his face that you figured out his strategy a long time ago. That your life does not consist of his comings and goings, and you want a fulfilling relationship. Perhaps not with him.
• Ignore his desires to meet, some random meetings at the place of study or work are enough. Avoid love letters or telephone conversations beyond the norm: “Hi, how are you?”
• Try to understand that stopping communication with such a guy will save you from a broken heart in the future.

How to recognize?

• If he likes you, he will always find time for calls and visits.
• If he likes you, he won't tell you that you're just friends. He will immediately begin to do everything to make you understand that you belong only to him.
• If he likes you, then he will never remember the pain of other relationships and all that. He may not immediately say that he loves you. He may even tell the truth, “I’m trying to learn to love again, but it’s not working yet,” but then he will never pretend that you are friends, he will never try to sleep with you. He will understand himself.
• If he likes you, then you will never want to ask yourself the question “What does this all mean?”, because everything will be clear to you anyway.

To the question “ What does all of this mean?" I always answer the same: “This man doesn’t like you. He doesn’t want to be loving and gentle, he doesn’t want to be around in sorrow and joy. He doesn't care what you ate or how you slept. He is trying to manipulate you. Make you fall in love with yourself. Nothing good will come of this. Better to leave. Cry, lick your wounds and be yourself again. Spend time communicating with interesting people, books and entertainment, searching for true love. Each of us deserves to be loved!”