All parents eagerly await the birth of their baby. They try to surround him with love and care, devote all their time to him and invest in him everything they consider necessary. Meanwhile, after some time, when the baby grows up, conflicts inevitably arise in the family.

Often this situation confuses young parents. Mom and dad don’t know how to behave with their grown-up offspring, and they further aggravate the situation with their wrong actions. In this article we will tell you why conflicts arise in the family between parents and children, and how they can be resolved.

Causes of conflicts between parents and children

Absolutely all conflicts between the closest people arise due to misunderstanding. A small child, barely reaching 2-3 years old, begins to recognize himself as a separate person and tries with all his might to prove that he can make decisions himself and perform certain actions without the help of his mother. At the same time, he does not always succeed in this, which often causes indignation on the part of his parents.

During adolescence, children experience a similar problem. Young people and girls want to separate themselves as quickly as possible from their parents, who still consider their child a small child. In addition, mom and dad can be overly passionate about their work and devote insufficient time to their offspring, which in the future also often results in family quarrels and scandals.

Most professional psychologists identify the following reasons for conflicts between parents and children:

• age-related characteristics, or psychological crises;
• lack of attention from parents;
• excessive on both sides, unwillingness to listen to the interlocutor;
• non-acceptance of the opinion of the opposite side;
• discrepancy in views on life, which becomes especially noticeable in adolescence;
• excessive fatigue of parents, “obsession” with work and other matters not related to the child’s life.

Of course, getting out of such a situation can be very difficult. Especially if, in addition to the parents and the child, other persons, for example, grandmothers, are also involved in the conflict. Very often, in this state of affairs, the authority of mom and dad in the eyes of their son or daughter is significantly reduced, as a result of which it becomes impossible to achieve certain educational goals.

Despite this, young parents need to try to resolve the conflict as quickly as possible. To do this, you need to remain as calm as possible, learn to listen to your child and be very attentive to his life position, views and tastes.

In difficult situations, when all attempts by parents to establish relationships with their child fail, you can turn to a professional psychologist who will help create a favorable microclimate in the family and find a common language for the two opposing sides.

In addition, in all cases it is necessary to pay special attention to the psychoprevention of conflicts between parents and children, since any quarrel and misunderstanding is much easier to prevent than to correct in the future. The main elements of this direction are the following.

The manifestation of such qualities as separation of oneself from parents and their care, clearly demonstrated initiative is the need to gain one’s own power over one’s own life and the root cause of conflicts between adolescents and parents. Plus, the whole situation is happening against the backdrop of how ready the teenager’s parents and inner circle are to accept and understand him.

A child who is accustomed to trusting his parents is friendly and sociable with other adults, and it is possible to come to an agreement with him. And if the parents do not put unnecessary pressure on him, maintain friendly relations, the conflict, as a rule, is smoothed out, does not cause the teenager unnecessary worries, and does not cause a desire to do everything in defiance. But if a child, as a rule, is withdrawn, uncommunicative, trusts few people, and is unsure of himself, then he often enters into conflicts, is aggressive and irritable. It can be very difficult to come to an agreement with him, since few adults have access to the soul of such a child.

The relationship between parents and adolescents in single-parent families is particularly difficult.

Psychological research by A.I. Zakharova, A.S. Spivakovskaya, E.O. Smirnova, B.C. Sobkin, J. Langmeyer, Z. Matejcek and others indicate that, for the above reasons, children from single-parent families, compared with their peers from intact families, have a number of psychological characteristics: lower school performance, a tendency to neurotic disorders and illegal behavior, manifestations of infantilism, a negative attitude towards parents, violations of gender-role behavior, a painful feeling of difference from peers, unstable, low self-esteem with an urgent need to increase it, inadequate demands on the mother and a high desire to change her behavior, an active search for a “significant adult”.

There are a number of stages in the dynamics of the development of child-parent conflict:

• 1. Presumptive stage- is associated with the emergence of conditions under which a conflict of interests may arise. These conditions include: a) a long-term conflict-free state, when everyone considers themselves free, does not bear any responsibility to others, sooner or later a desire arises to look for those responsible; everyone considers himself to be on the right side, wronged unfairly, which gives rise to conflict; conflict-free development is fraught with conflicts; b) constant overwork caused by overload, which leads to stress, nervousness, excitability, inadequate reaction to the simplest and most harmless things; c) information-sensory hunger, lack of vital information, long-term absence of bright, strong impressions; e) style of life organization.
• 2. Stage of conflict initiation- collision. It is possible in three main forms: a) a fundamental clash, when the satisfaction of some can be definitely realized only by infringing on the interests of others; b) a clash of interests that affects only the form of relations between people, but does not seriously affect their material, spiritual and other needs; c) the idea of ​​a conflict of interests arises, but this is an imaginary, apparent conflict that does not affect interests.
• 3. Stage of conflict maturation- a clash of interests becomes inevitable. At this stage, the psychological attitude of the participants in the developing conflict is formed, i.e. unconscious readiness to act in one way or another in order to remove the sources of the uncomfortable state. A state of psychological tension encourages an “attack” or a “retreat” from the source of unpleasant experiences. People around you can guess about a ripening conflict faster than its participants; they have more independent observations, judgments freer from subjective assessments.
• 4. Conflict Awareness Stage- the conflicting parties begin to realize, and not just feel, a conflict of interests. A number of options are possible here: a) participants come to the conclusion that the conflicting relationship is inappropriate and are ready to abandon mutual claims; b) one of the participants understands the inevitability of the conflict and, after weighing all the circumstances, is ready to give in; another participant goes to further aggravation; considers the other party’s compliance as weakness; c) both participants come to the conclusion that the contradictions are irreconcilable and begin to mobilize forces to resolve the conflict in their favor.

Psychologists identify the following types of conflicts between adolescents and parents and ways to overcome them:

b Conflict of unstable parental perception. According to psychologists, often the cause of conflicts between parents and children is “instability of parental perception.” How to understand this? Naturally, the status of a teenager in the family and society has not been established. He is not an adult, but he is no longer a child. In general, a teenager behaves sometimes like an adult, that is, he criticizes, demands respect. But sometimes he, like a child, forgets everything, throws things around, etc.

As a result, positive qualities are underestimated, but imperfections appear. Especially if there is a youngest child in the family - obedient and diligent.

It is necessary for parents to try to understand their conflicting feelings. We tried to suppress our dissatisfaction and irritation. Objectively assessed the teenager’s strengths and weaknesses. Balanced the system of duties and rights.

b Dictatorship of parents. The forms of this conflict are varied, but the general formulation is as follows: dictatorship in the family is a method of control in which some family members are suppressed by others. At the same time, of course, independence and self-esteem are suppressed. Parents invade teenagers' territory, their soul. Undoubtedly, parents should and can make demands on the child, but it is necessary to make morally justified decisions. According to psychologists, the demanding nature of elders must be combined with trust and respect for children, otherwise demanding behavior turns into brutal pressure and coercion. Parents who influence a teenager with orders and violence will inevitably encounter resistance, which is most often expressed in rudeness, hypocrisy, deception, and sometimes outright hatred. And even if resistance is broken, the victory will turn out to be imaginary, since the child loses his self-esteem, he is humiliated and receives information that can be defined in one expression: “Who is stronger is right.”

Undoubtedly, the authority of parents who ignore the interests and opinions of a teenager, depriving him of the right to vote, is all a guarantee that he will grow up to be a cynic, a boor and a despot. It can, of course, do without serious consequences, but one thing can be said with complete confidence: a son or daughter will turn out to be something that, apparently, the parents never expected. Since there is no positive effect of such upbringing. Therefore, let the teenager hang his jeans wherever he wants in his room. Any person, and especially a person growing up, must have a territory where “entry to outsiders is prohibited.” If an adult easily invades someone else’s territory, into someone else’s soul, the teenager withdraws into himself, is rude, and nervous. In any case, it is known that that in families where the boundaries of everyone’s personal space are respected, conflicts and quarrels are rare and atypical phenomena. To resolve such conflicts, you need to introduce some simple rules of communication, rules of community life that must be observed:

• · do not enter each other’s room without knocking or in the absence of the owner;
• · do not touch personal belongings;
• · do not eavesdrop on telephone conversations;
• · it is necessary to leave to the teenager the right to choose friends, clothes, music, etc.;
• · it is necessary to sincerely explain your feelings, but not to remember old, long-standing sins, but to talk about the current situation. However, never put pressure, physically punish, or humiliate.

b Peaceful coexistence is a hidden conflict. The attitude of non-interference reigns here. The situation looks quite decent. Everyone has their own successes, victories, problems. Nobody crosses the ban. Parents take pride in maintaining such neutrality. They think that such relationships foster independence, freedom, and relaxedness. As a result, it turns out that the family does not exist for the child. At a critical moment - trouble, illness, difficulties - when participation and good feelings are required from him, the teenager will not experience anything, since this will not concern him personally. This also includes upbringing “without prohibitions.” Parents’ installation of children’s “freedom” without end and without edge, the elimination of brakes, restrictions and obligations to obey moral duty or elementary rules of communication are detrimental to the formation of personality. This is a tacit permission to do whatever you want. It will lead to the fact that a person brought up in such rules will forget to press the brake when someone gets in the way of realizing his interests and abilities. It is necessary to change communication tactics. Establish a system of prohibitions and become involved in the teenager’s life. Accordingly, you need to help him participate in the life of the family. Create a so-called family council, where many problems of the whole family would be resolved.

b Custody conflict. In essence, guardianship is care, protection from difficulties, participation. Teenagers in such families can be lack of initiative, submissive, and depressed. They are often excluded from resolving issues that affect them personally and the entire family. The lethargic indifference of a teenager sometimes turns into the “dictat of the younger.” He commands his parents, forcing them, as they did in childhood, to fulfill all their desires. Often such children appear in families where the child was greatly expected, and he was the last hope for happiness.

But the “despotism” of a teenager is much less common. More often it is an obedient child who does not cause parents much trouble in childhood. In adolescence, it is these children who most often “break down” and “revolt” against adults. The form of protest can be different - from cold politeness to active resistance. This already depends on the individual. Parents who unconsciously strive to maintain emotional closeness with their child do their children a “disservice.” Adults, constantly concerned that their child does not encounter family difficulties, so that he does not get tired of everyday worries, raise “mama's boys and daughters.” These children are unhappy among their peers, they are not ready for the difficulties of life, since no one is for them. except for loved ones, he won’t “spread straws.” Let us note that a person is more often destroyed by excessive care than by problems and adversity. After all, there will still come a time when parents begin to get annoyed by the child’s lack of initiative and dependence.

The conflict will be resolved when the parents try to change their behavior. You cannot give up control, without which it is impossible to raise a person, but you need to reduce guardianship to a minimum. Do not demand only the right actions from your child, you need to accept him as he is. Help, but don’t try to solve all the problems for him. It is necessary to stimulate communication with peers. A dose of guardianship, a dose of freedom, a dose of praise and blame - this is one of the ways out in this situation.

Children in such families are raised painstakingly, trying to make child prodigies out of them. They pour cold water over them and teach them languages ​​and music. They notice any mistake, pay attention to it, and punish it with disrespect. They conduct conversations on educational topics without giving them the opportunity to defend their opinions. They do not notice successes and are never praised or encouraged for good deeds. They constantly demand perfection from the child, saying: “But I’m at your age...” This leads to two types of conflicts. The child feels insecure, he is overcome by resentment and rage, but the teenager understands that he is powerless. The thought of hopelessness, the meaninglessness of one's own life. Everything is like in war. The forces of the parties (parents and children) practically become equal: to rudeness - rudeness, to gloating - gloating. If misfortunes happen to parents, children will not sympathize, they will repay the same coin. You need to change your attitude towards your child. Become more tolerant of the shortcomings of adolescents. Try to restore the child’s trust and self-respect. Find and develop in your son or daughter those virtues that are characteristic of their nature. Do not humiliate, but support. Do not engage in endless disputes, not to allow a silent, “cold” war. And most importantly, you need to assure the child that he will always be loved.

Typically, a child responds to the claims and conflicting actions of his parents with such reactions (strategies) as: reaction of opposition; refusal reaction; isolation reaction.

The increased interest of psychologists and teachers in the problem of parent-child relationships is associated with the problem of conflicts between parents and children caused by the age characteristics of children. Most often, conflicts among parents arise with teenage children.

An analysis of domestic and foreign psychological literature shows that the problem of interpersonal conflicts in adolescence is discussed in different aspects. At the same time, such a significant aspect of adolescents’ relationships as conflicts with parents has been studied relatively little.

The causes of conflicts between teenagers and parents have certain age dynamics: among younger teenagers, conflicts related to studies predominate; among older teenagers, the most common cause of conflicts with parents is “mismatch of views on life.” There are a number of stages in the dynamics of the development of child-parent conflict: the presumptive stage; stage of conflict initiation; stage of conflict maturation; stage of conflict awareness.

Psychologists identify the following types of conflicts between adolescents and parents: conflict of unstable parental perception; dictatorship of parents; peaceful coexistence is a hidden conflict; custody conflict; conflict of parental authority. And most importantly, it should be remembered that the child responds to the claims and conflicting actions of his parents with such reactions (strategies) as: the reaction of the opposition; refusal reaction; isolation reaction.

So, we can draw the following conclusion: if you help a teenager cope with his own intrapersonal conflicts and maintain a healthy, friendly and accepting atmosphere at home, this is already a large part of the guarantee that he will be able to cope with more serious conflicts that await him in the future.

Parent meeting.

Topic: “Conflicts between parents and children.”

Plan:

1. Statistics of tragic outcomes of conflict interactions between parents and children;

2. Causes of conflicts and aggressive attitudes of parents towards children;

3. Factors determining family conflicts;

4. Types of relationships between parents and children;

5. Types of conflicts between adolescents and parents and typical reactions of children to conflicting actions of parents;

6. Prevention of conflicts between parents and children.

Official statistics

In Russia, two thousand children die at the hands of their parents every year; 2.7 thousand children commit suicide every year due to domestic violence; The annual increase in the number of children killed by parents worldwide (under the age of 1 year) as a result of corporal punishment for disobedience and “bad behavior” is up to 52%; In Russia, the number of beatings, burns, and dislocations of children's arms by parents has increased - from 2 million cases in 1986 to 4 million in 1997; 90% of cases of child abuse occurred at home, without witnesses; from 2002 to 2006 in Moscow, the number of cases of parental abuse of children increased 2.4 times; The bulk of such crimes remain outside the reach of law enforcement agencies.

The emotional state and development of our children, their life and happiness directly depend on the attitude of their parents towards them

Causes of conflicts and aggressive behavior of parents towards children

1. Parents' own problems. Parents who physically abuse their children, as a rule, repeat the tragic experience of their own childhood, when they were exactly the same helpless victims of humiliation from their elders. 2. Many adults lack a culture of feelings. Inability to control emotions, leading to the fact that one’s own dissatisfaction with life spills out on others. 3. Lack of warm, sincere feelings among parents towards a child growing up in an atmosphere of parental emotional neglect. A child can unwittingly, subconsciously provoke parental discontent. This is both an unconscious childish protest and a naive way of attracting attention to oneself.

4. The child is the center of intersection of a whole complex of problems: social, economic, psychological, legal; 5. General aggressive background of society;

6. Low level of culture of individuals and society as a whole;7. The low level of evolution of family and education institutions, their crisis in modern society, “parental immaturity” of the adult population; 8. Low level of conflict management and parental competence. With all the variety of reasons for disagreement, the reason why conflicts arise between parents and children is always the same - the inability or unwillingness of the parent to find the right approach and correctly respond to the child’s behavior.

I. Destructiveness of family upbringing The following features of destructive types of upbringing are identified: 1) disagreements among family members on issues of upbringing; 2) inconsistency, inconsistency, inadequacy; 3) guardianship and prohibitions in many areas of children’s lives; 4) increased demands on children , frequent use of threats and condemnations.

FACTORS DETERMINING FAMILY CONFLICTS:

II. Age-related crises of children - factors of their increased conflict potential

The age crisis is a transition period from one stage of child development to another. During critical periods, children become disobedient, capricious, and irritable. They often come into conflict with others, especially with their parents. They develop a negative attitude towards previously fulfilled requirements, reaching the point of stubbornness. The following age-related crises of children are distinguished: - crisis of the first year (the transition from infancy to early childhood); - “three years” crisis (transition from early childhood to preschool age); - crisis 6-7 years (transition from preschool to primary school age); - crisis of puberty (transition from primary school to adolescence - 12-14 years); - teenage crisis 15 - 17 years.

III. Personal factor of child-parent conflicts

Among the personal characteristics of parents that contribute to their conflicts with children are a conservative way of thinking, adherence to outdated rules of behavior and bad habits, authoritarian judgments, orthodoxy of beliefs, etc. Among the personal characteristics of children are such as low academic performance, violations of the rules of behavior, ignoring the recommendations of parents, as well as disobedience, stubbornness, selfishness and egocentrism, self-confidence, laziness, etc. Thus, the conflicts in question can be presented as the result of mistakes made by parents and children.

IV.Types of relationships between parents and children as a factor in family conflicts

The optimal type of relationship between parents and children; - this cannot be called a need, but parents delve into the interests of their children, and children share their thoughts with them; - parents delve into their children’s concerns rather than children share with them (mutual dissatisfaction arises); - children feel a desire to share with their parents rather than them delving into the concerns, interests and activities of children; - the behavior and life aspirations of children cause conflicts in the family, and at the same time, the parents are most likely right (situationally); - the behavior and life aspirations of children cause conflicts in the family, and at the same time the children are more likely to be right; - parents do not delve into the interests of their children, and children do not feel the desire to share with them (the contradictions were not noticed by the parents and developed into conflicts, mutual alienation).

Types of conflicts between teenagers and parents:

conflict of instability of parental relationship (constant change of criteria for assessing the child); conflict of over-care (excessive care and over-expectations); conflict of disrespect for the rights to independence (totality of instructions and control); conflict of paternal authority (the desire to achieve one’s own in a conflict at any cost).

Typical reactions of children to conflicting actions of parents

Typically, a child responds to the claims and conflicting actions of his parents with such reactions (strategies) as: - reaction of the opposition (demonstrative actions of a negative nature); - refusal reaction (disobedience to parental demands); - isolation reaction (the desire to avoid unwanted contacts with parents, hiding information and actions).

Preventing conflicts between parents and children

Working on overcoming conflicts with children begins with working on yourself and on your relationship with your spouse. Measures to prevent conflicts between parents and children: 1) spending as much time as possible with the child before problems with discipline arise; 2) the ability to share laughter, joy, grief, and disappointment with a child; 3) the presence of mutual understanding, friendship and love between parents and child; 4) a balanced approach to education: first conviction, and then, as a last resort, - physical punishment.

The main directions for preventing conflicts between parents and children:

1. Improving the pedagogical culture of parents, which allows them to take into account the age-related psychological characteristics of children and their emotional states. 2. Family organization on a collective basis. Common perspectives, certain work responsibilities, traditions of mutual assistance, and common hobbies serve as the basis for identifying and resolving emerging contradictions. 3. Reinforcement of verbal demands with the circumstances of the educational process. 4. Interest in the inner world of children, their concerns and hobbies.

The constructive behavior of parents in conflicts with children is facilitated by the following:

Always remember the child’s individuality; - take into account that each new situation requires a new solution; - try to understand the requirements of a small child; - remember that change takes time; - perceive contradictions as factors of normal development; - show consistency in relation to the child; - more often offer a choice from several alternatives; - approve different options for constructive behavior; - jointly look for a way out by changing the situation; - reduce the number of “no” and increase the number of “can”; - apply punishments to a limited extent, while respecting their fairness and necessity;- give the child the opportunity to feel the inevitability of the negative consequences of his misdeeds; logically explain the possibilities of negative consequences; - expand the range of moral rather than material rewards; - use the positive example of other children and parents; - take into account the ease of switching attention in young children.

RESOLUTION OF FAMILY CONFLICTS

Stages of searching for an alternative: identifying a contradiction or problem; development of alternative solutions; thinking about and evaluating alternative solutions; choosing an alternative and implementing a solution; identifying a point in the future when progress can be assessed.

Stage I. Definition of a contradiction or problem

1. The parent must be sure that the moment chosen to search for an alternative is successful for him and for the child. A child, like everyone else, is offended if he is cut off or rejected. 2. A parent should not be afraid to say, “What happened is a problem, and I want you to help solve it.” You need to adhere to the following goals and rules: tell it like it is. If you, as a parent, feel strong on this point, it makes sense that you are the one who turns to the child with the question; avoid accusations that only force the child to defend himself and reduce the chances of resolving the contradiction; Using joint actions, the parent should let the child understand that they must unite in finding a solution in which no one will be disadvantaged and which requires a “meeting” between the child and the parent.

Stage II. Search and development of alternative solutions

To help find a solution to the problem, try to keep the following key points in mind:

Let your child be the first to offer his solution. You will take your opportunity later;

Give your child enough time to think about his suggestions, especially if he is still small;

Be open, avoid judging, judging or belittling the child’s proposed solutions;

Avoid statements that create in your child the belief that you will not accept any of the solutions he proposes;

Support the child, especially in cases where several children are involved in the search for alternatives;

Brainstorm until you are sure that it will not be possible to “squeeze out” new alternatives.

Stage III. Research, thinking, evaluating alternative solutions

This stage involves exploring and evaluating solutions that appear to resolve the controversy or problem. All possible alternatives are played out in the imagination, as well as the consequences of the decision made. It is very important at this stage that the parent includes the child in thinking and evaluating various decisions.

Stage IV. Selecting an alternative and implementing a solution

To choose the best alternative, remember the following:

Ask questions like “Do you think this will lead us to a solution? Will this decision satisfy everyone? Does this solve our problem?

Solutions are not specified. No decision should be considered final or subject to change. A parent might say to a child, “Sounds good, let’s try it and see if this solves our problems?” or “I’d like to try this. And you?"

Write down the decision on paper, especially if it includes a number of points, so that no one is forgotten.

Everyone involved must understand that everyone has a role to play in finding a solution.

Stage V. Choosing the right moment to evaluate the correctness of the decision made

The child and parent need to go back and consider how things are going and how the chosen solution satisfies everyone. The child often agrees to a decision that later turns out to be difficult to implement. It is necessary to check with each other. Sometimes, during the assessment stage, new information appears that requires a revision of the original decision. Evaluation is an important part of the process of finding alternatives. The evaluation will show how successful the solution found was and whether any correction is necessary.

RESOLUTION OF CONFLICTS BETWEEN CHILDREN IN THE FAMILY

When there are several children in a family, each of them fights for their place - and this is normal. Such competition is a kind of social adaptation, a rehearsal of scenarios that the child will use in later life. Most siblings fight quite often and with great passion. They fight for space, things, parental love and attention. Over time, younger children increasingly invade the space of their elders - and the rivalry becomes even more obvious. The younger children are, the less intellectual and social skills they have to peacefully resolve disputes and find mutually acceptable compromises. The task of parents is not to suppress rivalry in children, but to direct it in a constructive direction. The position of parents is one of the key factors that can cool or catalyze conflicts between children. It is very difficult for parents to maintain an equal distance from their children when there are marital conflicts.

First of all, analyze your own behavior and attitudes towards children. Try to first overcome your own bias towards conflicts between children. Require children to ask each other's permission before borrowing or playing with items. Try not to immediately intervene in conflicts between children unless they risk hurting each other. The first step is to state the essence of the problem. The second step is to work together to find a possible solution. The third step is to approve the final dispute resolution plan. Practice collaboration skills in a relaxed environment.

1. Discuss the conflict with your children when everyone involved in the conflict has calmed down. Talk about what happened as if it were some kind of conflict that happened with other children, and express in an accessible form your thoughts about whether it is worth resolving conflicts between brothers and sisters with the help of force and cruelty.

2. Set clear, strict rules and explain them to the children so that each of them understands them. It is unfair to punish children for breaking rules they are hearing about for the first time.

3. Role play. Using your behavior as an example, show your children what actions you expect them to take in conflict situations.

4. Encourage good behavior.

5. Remind that “fair” does not mean “equal.” That is, it is fair to allow older children to go to bed later than their younger brothers and sisters. But this does not mean that younger children can do this.

6. Teach children to compromise, and to do this without interference from an adult as a judge.

7. Help children learn to recognize emotions. If they can voice what they feel, it will be easier for them to discuss conflict and compromise.

8. Immediately separate the children into different rooms if, during an argument, you realize that the argument is about to turn into a fight.

9. Punish everyone because they broke your rules together, rather than wasting time figuring out who is at fault.

Peace and harmony in your family!

Conflicts between parents and children are a common social phenomenon that accompanies a child’s growing up and the formation of his personality. Conflicts between parents and teenagers can arise even in the warmest relationships - even prosperous families do not avoid them. Why do conflicts arise between parents and children? To answer this pressing question, it is necessary to understand the nature of the conflict situation and know how to resolve it.

In search of the causes of conflicts between parents and children, you should not delve into the jungle of family psychology or sociology - they lie on the surface and are generally known.

Causes of conflict situations

• Insufficient attention or, conversely, excessive parental control in relation to the younger generation, lack of competent educational policies, and unwillingness to listen will certainly lead not only to quarrels and scandals, but will also harm the psychological development of the teenager.
• The clash of interests of the older and younger generations. Satisfying the needs and desires of one party without taking into account the interests and needs of the other leads to powerful emotional outbursts of negative energy.
• Among the qualities of parents that lead to conflicts in the family are a conservative mindset, adherence to bad habits, and authoritarian opinions. Among children's qualities, selfishness, disobedience, stubbornness, laziness and deceit lead to conflicts. Such a contradiction will definitely find a way out in the form of a quarrel.
• Lack of harmony in the family. If the basis of the relationship between the spouses is hostility towards each other, then the level of psychological tension in the family will tend to increase. An atmosphere of constant hostility between parents can lead to mental disorders in the development of the child.
• Problems of a domestic and social nature. Often parents transfer the negativity from the burden of problems into communication with their children, which leads to the formation of complexes and feelings of guilt in the child.
• The inability or unwillingness of parents to limit the too free behavior of children. The child, feeling his own impunity and permissiveness, begins to behave accordingly. And troubles come in the form of parents.
• Psychological immaturity of parents. The older generation's lack of wisdom in communicating with a child and basic knowledge about the peculiarities of upbringing are the causes of misunderstandings and disagreements.
• Age component. Each period of a child’s development has its own characteristic nuances that parents must take into account when communicating with him.

Psychologists distinguish two such age periods:

• junior school age - during this period of social adaptation, criticism from adults is perceived especially sharply;
• - the stage when all the child’s internal contradictions come out, the teenager has a desire to protest not only to school, teachers and peers, but also to the whole world.

Ways to resolve disputes and conflict situations:

• Cultivating in parents the ability to make concessions and seek compromise. Finding a suitable alternative allows each party to the dispute to understand each other and find a constructive solution. Parents need to realize that finding a compromise solution does not mean providing the child with a “standard set” of advice and instructions, but helping him in choosing the optimal model of behavior and in realizing responsibility for the decision made.
• The ability to view conflicts between parents and adolescents not as a problem, but as a signal of gaps in. You should show attention to the child, realize the fact that the views on life of parents and children can differ significantly.
• Parents should fill in the gaps in their knowledge in. Each stage of growing up is accompanied by conflicts typical for this period. But knowledgeable parents know how to control these processes and know how to prevent ordinary disagreements from developing into a more negative situation.
• Formation of common family hobbies. It is necessary that each family member, in the event of a conflict situation, has the opportunity to transform negative energy into positive energy. Common interests will help the family not only quickly reconcile after a quarrel, but will also provide an excellent opportunity to distract themselves and get rid of destructive aggression.
• Distribution of housekeeping responsibilities among all family members. Everyone, whether adult or child, should take part in household chores. When all responsibilities fall on only one person, this will certainly lead to resentment and disputes. In addition, assigning simple tasks to children develops in them a sense of responsibility and awareness of their importance in society.
• Constant confidential communication between adults and the child, understanding of his inner world. It is important not to leave the child alone with his own experiences; it is necessary to learn to listen and empathize, to show support and care.
• Controlling irritation and dissatisfaction. Before you throw out your emotions, you need to remember that the child is just copying the behavior of his closest people - his parents. In conflict situations, the behavior of the younger generation largely depends on the example set by adults.
• Giving the child the right to choose. This point is of particular importance during adolescence, when the desire for freedom exceeds all acceptable limits. It is extremely important at this stage to treat the teenager as an independent person, accept his interests, respect his personal space, and take into account his position.
• Tolerance for shortcomings. Under no circumstances should you compare your children to anyone else - each child is individual and unique. Instead of looking for flaws, it is better to give the child the opportunity to express himself as an independent and individual person. Of course, all this should take place under the discreet supervision of adults.

Nature itself provides a special connection between a child and a parent, which is unconditional, unlike other attachments. Why do conflicts arise between parents and children?

The problem of fathers and sons is as old as the world. It would seem that the closest people in the world should understand each other perfectly. But in any family, sooner or later, quarrels break out and misunderstandings arise between parents and children.

Why do conflicts arise between parents and children?

It is quite difficult to trace at what point misunderstandings arise, and as a result, conflicts between parents and child.

A three-year-old toddler desperately screaming at his mother, wanting to have his own way; a teenager at war with the entire adult world, and first of all, with his parents; an adult daughter who has become a mother herself, but who is hostile to any advice from her newly-made grandmother... At any age, clashes occur between the closest people who love each other.

If conflicts between generations are inevitable, maybe they are needed for some reason? Let's try to theoretically imagine that all the children at once turned into kind of obedient angels, unquestioningly listening to their parents. What further developments can we expect?

Happy parents who calmly pass on their own experience to the younger generation, prudent children who take everything on faith and make their parents’ dreams come true. It would seem - an idyll. But how will such conflict-free children exist in society:

• How will they survive without knowing how to defend their opinion, or even without having it, and also without their own experience and their own beliefs?
• After all, how will they raise their own children?
• And most importantly, will such an ideal society develop?

The word “conflict” itself translated from Latin means clash. People's worldviews, goals and motives collide. In a conflict between a parent and a child, their interests also collide. And it doesn’t matter that parents always wish only the best for their children, it is important that their opinions in a particular situation do not coincide.

A competent way out of a conflict allows you to become a little wiser, stronger, and perhaps more generous. From this point of view, conflict can be considered as a step in the evolution of personality.

In any conflict there is a semblance of balance. There are two sides, each of which pulls in its own direction. When it is decided in favor of one side, the other side suffers infringement of its interests, and therefore strong negative emotions.

But by and large, no parent wants his child to feel bad, and the same can be said about the child in relation to the parent. Conflicts are inevitable, it is important to learn how to resolve them wisely.

How to resolve disputes

In any conflict, both sides occupying opposing positions are to some extent to blame. Therefore, the ideal way to solve the problem would be to bring these positions closer together, to take mutual steps towards each other, that is, to compromise.

Unfortunately, in life, not every parent, and especially not every child, is given the wisdom to find this very compromise. Therefore, most often conflicts are resolved in other ways.

The parent is always right

Authoritarian parents believe that you should always insist on your own, regardless of the child’s age and, especially, his opinion. They always know better what to do and act “for the benefit of the child,” but often against his wishes.

They are confident not only that they are right in any specific situation, but also in the method of raising children in general. It is about such parents that there is a joke about the family code:

point 1 - mom is always right;
point 2 - if mom is wrong, see point 1.

For the time being, parents of this kind emerge victorious from all conflicts with their children. As a result, they can get two scenarios:

1. In the first case a child, forced to constantly suppress his desires, gets used to the fact that mom and dad solve all his problems for him. It’s not that he likes it, he just doesn’t know how to do it any other way. The child grows and matures, but remains essentially the same infantile and lack of initiative, without his own opinion and unable to solve problems.
2. Another variant- the child repeats his parents. Since childhood, he has become accustomed to the fact that conflicts are resolved from a position of strength. He considers it normal to achieve his goal at any cost, regardless of other people. While such a child is small, he is forced to obey his parents, but as he grows up, he seems to change places with them. Parents who are too authoritarian risk having many problems with their child during adolescence. And when such children themselves become adults, they usually have a cool relationship with their parents.

Parent is a manipulator

This, so to speak, is a “subspecies” of an authoritarian parent, because he, too, almost always emerges victorious from a conflict. The difference is that he does not act from a position of open force, but in one way or another forces the child to abandon his ideas.

Such a parent does not shout or punish, he either presses for pity or blackmails, in any case cleverly manipulating his child.

No matter how mild such an influence may seem, it is still essentially pressure, as a result of which the parents get their way, and the child gets used to suppressing his desires.

In the future, children raised by manipulative parents have every chance of playing the role of a victim in society. Moreover, some of them actually ignore their desires, trying to please others, while others, hiding behind the role of the victim, themselves become manipulators. As they say, “there is someone to help.”

The child is a winner

There are families in which the cult of the child reigns. His parents pamper him, indulge all his whims, and in the event of a conflict, they simply organically cannot resist him. Parents who are too gentle usually do not have the gift of persuasion. And a child who is not accustomed to obeying is not able to listen to reasonable arguments.

Such parents justify their behavior with love; they live and work for the benefit of the child, while depriving themselves of much (both materially and spiritually).

The trouble is that children do not need parents who literally dissolve in them; children need authority. Otherwise, both parties will face the following:

1. A child in such a family grows up selfish, getting used to the fact that all the best should be for him. As a result, having become an adult, he does not know how to reckon with people and take care of others.
2. Children raised in such families rarely become happy people; they always feel deprived, and even if they are lucky in life, they do not know how to appreciate it.
3. Excessive demands on everyone except yourself usually lead to loneliness. The saddest thing is that the parents who raised such a miracle often find themselves lonely in old age. After all, they have not taught their child that they also need care.

Thus, constantly incorrectly resolved conflicts subsequently entail serious problems and distortions in education. Proper quarrel and conflict is an art that must be learned by analyzing your behavior, trying to understand the other side.

It is especially important for parents to do this, because it depends on them how their children will grow up.

Compromise

Conflicts are inevitable, which means you need to learn to resolve them constructively. The word "compromise", as well as "conflict", is of Latin origin. It denotes an agreement between the disputants.

Correct conflict resolution occurs according to the following scenario - from a clash to an agreement, and in between - steps towards mutual concessions.

What steps need to be taken:

1. Listen to the child. It is important not just to let everyone talk, but to listen and hear each other. If the child is ready for dialogue, you need to listen to him first. The parent, before expressing his opinion, must convey to the child that his problem and position are understood by him. Only after such mutual attunement to each other can a parent try to convey their thoughts and experiences.
2. To tell your opinion. It is very important to let the child understand why this opinion has developed, to explain his emotions and fears. It is very important for a child to trust his parents, he will be grateful for it. Such a conversation in calm tones relieves tension, and the disagreements themselves no longer seem so fundamental.
3. Joint search for solutions. It is necessary to consider possible solutions to the problem, and both the child and the parent can propose. Each option will likely have its own pros and cons that need to be discussed. Options that do not suit both sides are immediately discarded (but they still need to be voiced).
4. Selection and discussion of details. Of all the acceptable options, you need to choose the optimal one that suits more or less both parties. If this was initially the child’s option, he will be more than happy to make some concessions, realizing that, by and large, his decision has been made.

This way of resolving conflicts is not only constructive for a specific problem. It creates an atmosphere of trust and creates the preconditions that the next time the child can ask for parental advice. Ultimately, there are no losers in such a conflict.

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