Hello, my name is Masha. I am very dependent on my husband. In our family, I am the one who kisses, and he is the one who turns the cheek. I can't do this anymore.

It is always very important to me what he thinks about me, whether he approves of my actions, words, and actions. If he doesn’t like something about me, I worry very much and immediately rush to fix it. For example, he didn’t like my figure, and now I’m working on myself in the gym 1.5 hours a day. He remarked to me that I was too gentle with my subordinates - and I changed my communication style at work. Whatever he says, even if I resist at first, I then come to the conclusion that he is right. I always choose my words very carefully when talking to him, so as not to inadvertently provoke a quarrel. If he calls me to watch a movie, and I was about to go to bed, since I have to work early tomorrow, I drop everything and go watch a movie with him. If he asks for something, I put aside all my affairs and rush to fulfill the request, even if it is inconvenient for me. This almost slavish dependence scares me. I'm afraid of losing him, displeasing him, offending him. Probably because I behave this way, it is difficult to respect me. My husband doesn’t really depend on my opinion. He pays attention to me through force. If we have different opinions on something, he just needs to become colder with me, and I will immediately do as he wants, because for me his alienation is an unbearable punishment.

The whole point is that he is not afraid of losing me, and I am usually very afraid of him. He is dear to me, I see many advantages in him and I think that he would behave differently with me, much more warmly, if I had self-respect. After all, no one forces me to give up my position just because he arched his eyebrow in displeasure. But I reached a certain point of despair. I have no strength, no energy. I trudged to work like a squeezed lemon and started to get sick. For the first time in my life, all sorts of thoughts about suicide creep into my head, but what keeps me going is that mom and dad won’t stop it, and there’s some other hope. I despise myself for my weakness. I always want to punish myself somehow for my mistakes.

How can I get rid of this addiction? It is clear that the reason is in me, and something needs to be fixed urgently. But I don’t know a) what exactly to do and b) whether it’s worth divorcing my husband along with these changes. On the one hand, if I change, perhaps his attitude towards me will also change. And, on the other hand, I’m afraid that it’s still impossible to respect a person who once stuck to you and lay at your feet, begging you not to leave, even if he changed his behavior.

Please tell me how to solve this. Thank you for your attention.

It just so happened that from time immemorial in the family it was the man who was considered the head, support, breadwinner, protector, and I don’t know what else. But life cannot stand still, Domostroev’s rules have long ago lost their authority, and more and more often women began to ask the question: “How to become independent from her husband?” Today it is difficult to find a woman who would not be burdened by the constant expectation of the next financial “investment” from her husband for the purchase of clothes, cosmetics or entertainment with friends. In addition, it’s no secret to any of us women that almost all men consider these expenses completely useless!

Yes, children, order and comfort in the house are sacred. But under no circumstances should we allow the rest of life to pass by, flashing through the windows of the kitchen and nursery! For the sake of a man, hide your virtues and talents deeper, completely submitting to him? No way! Today we will tell you how to become independent from your husband and show all your best qualities as a unique individual.

Women's dependence on husbands

Usually, as soon as two people start living together, and it doesn’t matter whether it’s a legal marriage or just living together, women’s “girlish” interests fade into secondary roles. Career? Why is it needed, it doesn’t suit a woman at all, it’s better to support me on the way to my professional heights! Hobby? Don’t you know that now your main hobby is me? Personal time? Honey, your personal time will now be occupied by me personally!

Indeed, running a household and caring for children (including the most important child - the husband) places new “official” responsibilities on the shoulders of a woman, who are already fragile. Trying to fulfill them as best as possible, a woman pushes her own life, her own interests further and further in order to preserve a good relationship with my husband and raise good children.

Increasingly, she neglects her hobbies for the sake of her husband’s hobbies, cooks his favorite dishes, watches films that he likes, and even uses cosmetics approved by her husband (in especially advanced cases, bought by him). To disappear into the life of a man - well, which of us women dreamed of this in our youth? Each of us wanted to reveal our abilities, to take a worthy place in a prestigious company with a respectable position and an equally respectable salary. What instead? “A woman’s place is in the kitchen!” - and now the children have grown up and fled to youth parties, and the new dress in the closet has gone out of fashion, never seeing the light of day.

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Why should a woman become independent?

The critical mass of women's discontent gradually increases and periodically spills over with short-term scandals, quarrels and almost constant depression - after all, the woman feels that her life was in vain! The husband is increasingly “late at work” (of course, it’s unpleasant for him to see an eternally dissatisfied face), the relationship is getting worse, and then the children are getting out of control - and this is not surprising, it’s unlikely that the always grumbling mother has stopped monitoring himself, is now an authority for them. Is there a way out of this, it would seem? vicious circle? Of course have! Stop sacrificing yourself and living in other people's lives. Remember that there is such a wonderful, unique personality - you yourself and become independent from your husband!

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Psychological techniques for problem solving

The origins of subconscious dependence on a man are largely determined by our childhood, when we were drawn to a stronger person - usually our father - and looked for support, approval and support in him. And if “psychological blackmail” was practiced in the family, when parents, individually and together, encouraged action with phrases like “If you really love me, you won’t go to the disco today,” a girl can easily grow into a real victim. For the sake of love, she lost something in childhood, in her youth, for the sake of love she is ready to adult life give up a lot.

“Is it possible to correct this situation and stop making endless sacrifices?” - this question, like a plea for help, is often heard from women suffering from emerging psychological problems. Are you also wondering about this question? Of course it can be done. Moreover, to raise your own grade, you simply need to do this!

Are you ready to take the first steps towards being worthy of the proud title of “independent woman”? Then let's get started.

1. Choose a comfortable place, a calm, quiet environment. Sit down and relax. Close your eyes. Now try to imagine that the road stretches out in front of you in a long strip - your life. Perhaps for some it will be a country track, and for others it will be a winding mountain path. Look at it as if from the outside and imagine the places where your childhood, the time when you were a teenager, your youth and your current life are located. Try to remember the events and situations that you remember most vividly, where you acted with dignity and can be proud of yourself. Was there a time in your life when you were doing something that you really enjoyed and were passionate about?
2. Take Blank sheet paper and write the answers to the following questions as honestly as possible.

• In what words would I describe my relationship with my parents, how it developed, and how would I evaluate the independence that I had in my personal life in my parents’ home?
• How often in your real life can I do what I want?
• Am I afraid of losing my husband as a source of security, stability and financial well-being?
• What could happen to me if I am left alone, without a husband?

A real strong marriage should not imply a “boss-subordinate” relationship; all the joys and failures, responsibilities and privileges of the spouses should be shared fairly - in half.

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Video about correct and incorrect addiction

Undoubtedly, at first it will be difficult for you not to constantly sacrifice yourself - after all, this has been your usual state for so many years! But it is imperative to make it clear to all your relatives that you will now have your own time and your own interests. You will see for yourself that when an outlet appears in your life, for example, in the form of a forgotten hobby or a long-awaited job, the voids in your soul that came from nowhere will be filled. And in a completely incomprehensible way, this will not make your soul feel heavier; on the contrary, it will become much easier. You are in demand, you can realize your abilities and talents - that’s great!

As soon as your inner world comes into harmony, your family life It will become stronger, more stable and much calmer. Remember that your personal life is your independent space, where you should not depend on anyone! Good luck!

Question to a psychologist:

Hello. I am 35 years old and I have problems in my relationship with my husband.

We have been married for 6 years, before that we dated for almost 5 years. The relationship was not cloudless all the time; a lot had to be overcome: his alcoholism, economic crises, quarrels. Now objective circumstances have more or less improved, my husband has not drunk for 5 years, found a decent job, and made a career. But I still have a feeling of losing myself. I am too focused on my husband, I always take seriously everything he says and does, I am greatly influenced by him. This is my problem. I am very dependent on his emotions and suffer greatly from his incontinence. When he gets angry or irritated, I get scared. But he does not restrain the expression of his emotions, easily loses his balance and then takes a long and difficult time to come to his senses. If something irritates him or makes him angry, he may shout or swear. He can get very “freaked out” over some little thing.

At the same time, if I allow myself to demonstrate negative emotions, which happens extremely rarely and is less aggressive, immediately demands to stop. He cannot clearly and calmly express his complaints and wishes to me; if he thinks that I am to blame for something, he is silent, ignores me, sometimes for a long time, up to a day. For me, experiencing my husband’s grievances is extremely difficult, even physically: there is pressure behind the sternum, tears begin to flow, there is a feeling of a hole inside that eats up a huge amount of energy. Even if he is offended as a joke, I cannot help but take it seriously. I feel his mood very strongly: if he is not in a good mood, I feel very uncomfortable, I can’t do anything, I can’t relax, I want only one thing: to “correct” his mood, to make “everything normal.”

I would like to understand what could be the reason for my perception of another person? Yes, love is great, but it's like I "live around" him. If I can use a metaphor, then I am like a weather vane, and my husband’s mood is like the wind; I turn to where he blows. It seems to me that this is no longer very healthy. I would like to learn to accept different things more calmly emotional states husband, show him your love and concern, but at the same time remain calm, do not lose balance, do not feel fear and anxiety.

Psychologist Alina Vladimirovna Lelyuk answers the question.

Margarita, hello!

Most of our complexes and troubles come from childhood. And it is laid down in the child-parent relationship. Most often, strong emotional dependence occurs when in childhood a child experiences psychological trauma of being ignored, rejected, and rejected. When there is no emotional connection between the child and the parent. Or the child has experienced emotional, physical, spiritual or sexual abuse or violence.

Or, as a child, the parents punished the child with silence without explaining what he was guilty of, what he did wrong, or what the parents were not happy with. Without any explanations or conversations, a regime of silence, coldness and detachment was activated. Which parent behaved this way towards you?

Emotional dependence can also arise if the parental family was not complete, if one of the parents used alcohol, drugs, or if someone long time was sick and other family members looked after him. If there were depressed and depressed individuals in the family.

When it was not customary for the family to discuss conflicts or any unpleasant topics or situations. Everyone just pretended there were no problems. And even if scandals arose, then everyone tried to pretend that everything was fine, as before. Everything was kept silent. That is, there was no emotional contact. And then the adult either tries not to get deeply involved in the relationship and keeps everyone at a great distance. Or he dissolves in his partner. Completely ignoring your desires and needs, living only to please your chosen one in everything. And completely dependent emotionally on the mood and actions of the one who is nearby.

What exactly influenced your dependence on your husband is difficult to say just from a letter. Here again, parental attitudes could also play a role - “you need to be good for everyone; only when you are completely satisfied - you good girl" “When he gets angry or irritated, I’m scared” - who yelled at you as a child? Who were you afraid of? You need to deal with this and relive these situations until they are completely neutralized.

Addiction often begins with a desire to save a loved one. And when you start saving, you can get so carried away by the problems of your loved one that you completely forget about yourself. And the more and deeper you get into your husband’s problems, the further you move away from yourself. Hence your feeling of loss. You saved your husband, you dealt with all his problems, but you don’t understand what to do next with yourself. Because you have completely dissolved in it.

And perhaps your husband reacts this way because you do not give him freedom. After all, emotional dependence is often accompanied by total control, jealousy, the desire to be aware of everything, and to be nearby all the time. You are gradually trying to fill the entire space with just yourself and you become too much for your husband. This is just a guess.

I would advise you to see a psychologist. Because it is not always easy or simple to excavate your childhood relationships with your parents on your own. And together you will find where your legs grow much faster and more effectively and correct your behavior towards your husband.

I’ll say right away that you won’t be able to get rid of addiction very quickly or right away. Everything takes time. The first thing you need to do is “get to know” yourself. Write down what makes you happy. Only you - without your husband. And try to do something from this list at least once a day.

Think about what you can do to get yourself interested. These could be hobbies, courses, books. Anything – whatever you do with pleasure. In the process of doing something you will feel good. This way you will “get closer” to yourself and fill the emptiness that has formed in yourself during this time. And you will be distracted from thoughts about what else you can do for your husband. You will start doing at least something for yourself.

Of course, you need to take care of your own self-esteem. Praise yourself for your small achievements. Take responsibility for your life. It is not your husband and his mood that should control you. This is your life and you have the right to decide what and how to do. What and how to react to. You already adult woman, and not that defenseless girl.

The way a husband behaves is his expression of emotions. You need to learn to show your emotions more often. Talk about what you like and what hurts. To do this you need to talk to each other. And in general, the way a husband shows emotions is just his manifestation of emotions. This doesn't mean that you are bad or that he doesn't love you. It's just how he expresses emotions. If you accept this as a fact, without directing it at yourself, you will be able to bear and experience it all much calmer.

When, feeling your husband’s mood, you begin to “worry” - count to five, take a deep breath and concentrate on your breathing, yourself, and your feelings. How do you personally feel in the “here and now” state? What did you feel five minutes ago? And ten minutes ago? This way you will reduce your reaction and your worries.

Imagine a place where you are comfortable, cozy and where you feel protected and happy. Your ideal paradise. Paint yourself a bright picture. Feel happy there. And every time your husband starts to get irritated, scream, freak out, remember this place. By switching your attention, you relieve the level of tension. And you will perceive his emotions and mood less painfully. And believe me, the husband will begin to behave differently. Because when you change, the situation and the world around you change.

Margarita, patience and endurance in working on yourself.

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Many girls dream of marrying a rich man, mistakenly believing that family life, where the wife lives dependent on her husband and can spend any money on her whims, is like a fairy tale. In fact, wives who do not work anywhere are dependent individuals with low self-esteem, who consider themselves unable to provide for themselves on their own and prefer to endure rather than try to change their lives.

None woman cannot feel happy while remaining dependent on a man. After all, any addiction means only one thing - to obey other people's rules, and not to manage your life. The first thing a woman who dreams of happy marriage- this means, regardless of how much the husband earns, to make every effort to maintain his personal integrity. To do this, it is necessary at the beginning life together declare: “I do not intend to leave my job, the role of a housewife does not suit me!”

Of course, many women, after reading this, they may protest, saying: “A woman’s purpose is to love and be loved, and not to work like a horse. Housewife women have a lot of time to take care of themselves, take care of children and husbands. Their husbands carry them in their arms, so they can't be unhappy!" Yes, they are found among unemployed women and satisfied with their lives, but there are only a few of them.

Basic quantity women, financially dependent on, feel like a toy in the hands of their spouse and experience daily fear that they may get bored, and he will find himself more interesting woman, which clearly wins against the background of the “faceless doll”. They are afraid not so much of losing their husband as of being left without a livelihood. Therefore, many prefer to unquestioningly fulfill all the whims of their husband and forgive him everything. Can such a life be called happy?

Be independent from her husband- the key to true female happiness. Difficult to find married woman, who would not be burdened by constant expectations when her husband will give her a fur coat, a ring, or allocate money to buy clothes, cosmetics and entertainment with friends. Almost all men are ready to part with a large sum of money for the sake of the woman they love, but in return for this they demand unquestioning worship and submission. A dependent woman tries to please her husband in everything and not to contradict him, gradually turning into a slave.

Strong wish getting rid of financial and psychological dependence on a husband forces women to turn to psychologists, since constant fear and stress inevitably lead to prolonged depression over time. Is it possible to avoid such a development of the situation if you decide for yourself that you also have the right to have your own opinion and decide what is convenient for you and what is not? That you are as free a person as your husband. That you can also refuse if you don’t feel like doing something. At the same time, do not apologize, do not explain or make excuses....

Quit the habit guess about your husband's mood by his voice. If you see that he is dissatisfied with something, directly ask him about it or ignore him. He wants to tell himself. Yes, you, just like him, have the right not to immediately answer his calls, stay late at work and not explain anything. Ask him not to do this again, because you don’t like his behavior. But only an independent woman who values ​​her freedom can behave this way.

To find freedom, you need to take on a number of responsibilities, namely:

1. Earn Money. If you cannot imagine your life without the financial support of your husband, then this is a sign that you are striving not for freedom, but for an idle life. Freedom is not only the key to successful and happy life, but also a number of responsibilities. Even if you are not able to go to work right now, for example, you are on maternity leave, do not turn into a housewife. Increase your self-education to become a sought-after specialist and upon graduation maternity leave start working immediately. Purposeful and hardworking employees are always valuable; after a while, they inevitably become indispensable and receive high salaries.

2. Be independent. There is no need to turn love into addiction. Don’t rush to immediately ask your husband for help and stop complaining to him about every issue. Try to solve your problems yourself, for example, change an apartment, place your child in a prestigious kindergarten or give it to sports school. To prevent your independence from becoming a cause of family quarrels, inform your husband about your decision, but do not ask him. Relationships in families where the wife is her husband’s assistant and friend, and does not sit on his neck, are much stronger. Don’t be afraid to spend time separately from your husband, let him get bored a little and understand that he can’t live without you.

3. Don't be jealous. Learn to trust your husband and behave in such a way that he does not have reasons to be jealous of you. Trying to be independent, many women go too far, spending a lot of time with friends, going out to restaurants and parties with friends. We must not forget that freedom alone is not enough for happiness; it is extremely important to maintain the love and respect of all family members. Jealousy destroys relationships, which is why they say: “Loneliness is the other side of freedom.”

Video about the typical fate of a girl and the self-realization of most women

A man pays little attention, and you suffer from this, you always agree with the man’s opinion, even when you internally disagree with his position, or the most extreme option is that the man cheats, and you suffer, continuing to love him, not knowing how to cope with your emotional dependence .

Why is it most often a woman who becomes emotionally dependent on a man, and not vice versa?

The answer lies in our psychology, strengthened by upbringing. From early childhood, girls are taught that the most important things in life are love, family, and children. Exactly in this sequence. Some are offered a successful marriage instead of love, again to create a good family, the well-being of children and possibly personal comfort.

And that's why while we dream of love...

Young men are offered a different scale of values

Their personal achievements always come first, be it a career, sports, or any skills in which a future man must succeed in order to feel happy and be able to provide for his family. Are boys told that to be happy they need to fall in love? Or: “Will you be successful and happy if you create a good family?”

Rather, they will tell him “You will be successful and happy if you achieve this, that and that, and you can ensure the well-being of your family.” In second place in the scale of values, a man has their pleasures. You can’t throw all your energy into achieving your goals; you also need to be able to relax. Hunting, fishing, football, computer games or other male pleasures.

Family life, children, love are the prerogative of women. Of course, men also need love, warm family relationships, communication with children. But these values, as a rule, fade into the background in the minds of men.

Before marriage, a girl’s range of interests can be varied: friends, clubs, sports clubs, etc. Often, part of these interests is again aimed at achieving the girl’s main mission - to get married! And after the main goal has been achieved, most of us set other equally worthy goals - creating comfort in the home and raising children, completely devoting ourselves both physically and emotionally to the implementation of these missions.

After starting a family, women often give up their purely personal pleasures, communication with friends, trying to devote themselves as much as possible to their beloved husband and children. More often than not, family responsibilities turn into needs.

At this time, a man puts his efforts into work and his emotions into pleasure. After all, everything is in order in the family, everything is under the close control of the woman.

Therefore, while we are suffering from a man’s lack of attention, he is thinking about how to conquer the next peak in his career, achieve results in his hobby, or dreams of an adventure with a new woman.


And here we fall into the trap of our own illusions, becoming emotionally dependent on men. This dependence is especially pronounced among women who decide to become housewives. They express themselves when they see the result of their labors. A clean house, a delicious lunch on the table, smart and well-mannered children. And a natural need arises for this result to be appreciated by the man he loves. And the husband most often does not consider this an achievement, but a fact for granted.

How to avoid this?

How to learn to be emotionally free from a man?

The answer, as we see, lies on the surface. You don’t need to direct all your emotions in one direction! Redistribute them. Of course, we will not be able to completely change our feminine essence. The need to take care of children, husband, home will not go away and that’s good!

But if you want to become emotionally free from a man, you must understand what brings you pleasure besides taking care of your children and husband. Direct a significant part of your emotions in this pleasant and fruitful direction. Do not sacrifice communication with friends who are really interesting to you for the sake of a family hearth, because your man allows himself purely male meetings. Set a goal to increase your self-esteem!


Find yourself a hobby that will bring you real joy! Getting bright positive feelings is the best key to emotional freedom. It could be Sport section, dancing, hobby club. If your hobbies include interesting people, which are not related to your family, this is only for the better! Your horizons will expand and there will always be topics to discuss with your husband.


The more you get positive emotions, outside your man’s zone of influence, the more valuable those that you give him will be, and the more often he will have the desire to reciprocate your feelings.