I go to the window, raise my head to the sky... How beautiful it is - the starry night sky!.. You can’t help but wonder: I wonder, has anyone counted how many of them there are, these stars, little stars, little stars? Thousand? Million? Billion? I am attracted by this endless infinity!.. Probably somewhere out there, in the endless Universe, a small fragment of it is circling and living its eternally endless life - My Star. How I sometimes want to believe it!!!

I have been living in this world for twenty-four years. Twenty-four years of endless self-searching. (One very good girl she recently told me that she is “all in search of herself.” I smiled at this. “My dear,” I thought then, “how long will you have to search!”) My friend G. is convinced that the most important thing for a person is to find his place in this world and then everything will be ok. He was lucky - in his late twenties he found his place, but it took a good ten years of grueling search! He is one of the lucky few who got lucky. I wrote and was horrified: “one of the few who are lucky”... It turns out that all other people are unhappy? No, they probably have their own happiness, but without the heady feeling of victory in achieving their cherished dream. They simply forgot about her, threw her out of life, trampled on her... But they didn’t die! And they live, they are happy!.. Only happiness is invented. I don't want such happiness! And therefore I continue my endless search for myself. Look, in about...twenty years and I will be destined to feel the intoxicating: “FOUND!!!” But for now... For now there is only endless searching, endless walking in circles...

Twenty-four years of endless search for the elusive truth. Sometimes I have doubts: “Maybe there is no truth in the world at all? Maybe this is just a hoax? The sages say: “the truth is somewhere nearby...”, but even the wisest of the wise fail to grab it by the collar! So what do I want? Do I really put myself on the same level as the smartest representatives of humanity? No, not at all! But I also want to grab my piece of the pie called truth. Do I really want too much?
Many people probably won't understand me. “Do you want to reinvent a bicycle that was already invented by someone long ago? - they will say - Or reinvent the law of universal gravitation? For what? After all, this already exists, no one is interested in it anymore!” “Perhaps,” I will answer, “but I want to make my own bicycle, discover my own law of universal gravitation, even my own theory of relativity, damn it!!! Maybe I’ll want to outdo Einstein and get my Nobel Prize for it?! Everything is in my hands! You won’t understand this, because you live in your own closed world and see nothing but four walls and a box that fills your head with emptiness called “TV”!!!” Accustomed to prohibitions since childhood, by the age of twenty-four I had already trained myself so much that I had developed a certain immunity to all sorts of “don’ts” and “shouldn’ts,” so that now I can respond to all sorts of half-hints from those around me and even people close to me like “ Why the hell did you give up on this theater?”, or “throw the hell out of your useless writings and start making money!”, I just don’t pay attention. I don't care about public opinion and I am (oh, horror!) PROUD OF IT!!! Just like that! And stubbornly, no matter what, I continue my endless search, confident that the truth is “out there”...

Twenty-four years of endless search for happiness. Who knows what this thing is: “happiness”? For many, this is something distant and beautiful, you reach out and stretch out all your life, sometimes it seems that you have found it, but some time passes and you realize that “happiness is not in this, but in something else.” And that's how life goes. Family, work, home - these are the three axioms of happiness for most people. Do they really want nothing more?
It seems to me that my happiness lies in the possibility of self-realization (at least for today this is so). First it was Sinton, then dancing, now theater and always creativity. My happiness is momentary, and at that moment when I relax on the dance floor, play my favorite role on the stage of my native cultural center, or find, look for inspiration, when my hand irresistibly reaches out to clean slate paper to give him part of my soul - that’s when I’m truly happy! But this medal also has a flip side. When I suddenly lose my rhythm, I can’t get used to the role, when I can’t write and all sorts of nonsense creeps into my head, a breakdown occurs, and I understand that “happiness is not in this, but in something else.” But what? At such moments I want to run away, hide, hide... I want to run away from myself. Because if happiness does not lie in this, then it is unclear why and why I am doing all this, what do I want to achieve? I cannot answer this question for myself.

Twenty-four years of endless search for love. The first damn thing happened about nine years ago. Over the past four years there have been at least five, and all of them are not much better than the first. Probably, my “heavy energy” is to blame for everything, as my friend G. says. It’s very possible that he is right, but what should I do with it? How to fight? And is it only the heaviness of my energy that is the reason for the lack of love?
Apparently they are missing something, beautiful representatives of humanity. Perhaps they expect something more from me than I can give them. “The love you receive is equal to the love you give,” the Beatles once said. I guess I don't give it away enough. I guess I don't know how to love.
When you’re just friends with a girl, that’s nothing, but as soon as you start talking about your love, you hear the banal: “Let’s remain friends.” Exchange of love for friendship - how simple it sometimes sounds, but how painful it becomes in the soul from this endless exchange! How I unbearably want to press to my chest the only one who can save me from loneliness!!!

What's up? - friends ask me.
“Okay,” I answer, although I know I’m lying.
I deceive others, I deceive myself, because my life cannot be good until I find my one and only, until I get rid of my loneliness!!!

Every tomorrow is a continuation of yesterday. In the morning I open my eyes to the usual alarm at 5.50, but continue to sleep. Every ten minutes, the alarm clock reminds you with the insistent melody of the anthem: “It’s time to get up!” At twenty minutes past six I convince myself that I’m already awake, turn off the alarm clock and go wash. Looking at the reflection in the mirror, I just can’t understand how you can be happy with such a face? But after a cup of coffee, everything changes, even the face in the mirror evokes optimism. However, some time passes and everything becomes as before, dull and dreary. Then - a frantic working day, running around, yelling, nerves, and there is only one thing that makes me happy in this madhouse - that today is a rehearsal! The theater is one of the few places where I can relax and have a good time if the rehearsal was successful. If there is no rehearsal, I stay up to eight hours at work, sometimes I compose something (like now, for example), fortunately the computer is at hand and you can always see what I wrote in printed form, remove everything unnecessary... I absolutely don’t want to go home, because at home I definitely won’t get rid of my loneliness!!!
It is very difficult to sleep at night. I toss and turn... And my soul is heavy. Life goes into emptiness. Sometimes, when my soul is especially heavy, I get up in the middle of the night, quietly make my way to the kitchen, where the windows are without curtains...

I go to the window, raise my head to the sky... How beautiful it is - the starry night sky!.. You can’t help but wonder: I wonder, has anyone counted how many of them there are, these stars, little stars, little stars? Thousand? Million? Billion? I am attracted by this endless infinity!.. Probably somewhere out there, in the endless Universe, a small fragment of it is circling and living its eternally endless life - My Star. How I sometimes want to believe it!!!

I'm celebrating the last 6 years New Year one. There are no decorations, garlands, champagne and traditional salad on the table. Usually on New Year’s I make myself shawarma and buy non-alcoholic beer. I wait until the firecrackers stop exploding on the street and go to bed. I love fireworks - they are beautiful. New Year is family celebration, but I don’t have a family. I don’t plan to create it for several reasons. The main one is mental disorders. I was examined - I am not sick. But my mother also did not immediately develop schizophrenia. But at the age of forty she suffered a serious blow. U older sister the same diagnosis - schiza. It's kind of sad. And not so much for themselves, but for their loved ones. My sister's husband fusses with her and suffers at the same time. It's obvious that he loves it. If I didn't love you, I would quit. My father left us for the same reason - my mother’s illness. And he left the girls with a sick man. You can’t say anything - MA-LA-DETS!

I only met girls in high school and the first courses of the institute. And then there was a short break lasting 14 years. Over the years, he moved out from his parents, paid off the mortgage and lived happily ever after.

It was not clear whether it was day or night. The tiny room was neither dark nor light. The small window opposite the door was not a source of light, but just a white spot on the dark gray wall. The room was bare and empty, there was no furniture except an old shabby stool.

Under a bare wire, most likely intended for a chandelier, stood this most pathetic stool, on which sat a middle-aged man, hunched over with grief. Gray hair only slightly touched his black hair, there were practically no wrinkles on his face, and he could have passed for a very young man, but his indifferent lifeless gaze, fixed on the long-unpainted floor, eloquently emphasized the man’s age. He didn't move. It was as if he had not breathed at all, but simply died with his eyes open. But suddenly a groan escaped from the man’s chest, and a tear slid down his cheek.

There was a soft knock on the door. The man shuddered, but was in no hurry to get up and meet the guests. He didn't even glance towards the doors. A couple of minutes later, the door creaked on rusty, unlubricated hinges. A bright girl's head poked its head into the room.

-Can I come in? – asked the little girl, timidly shifting from foot to foot.

The man slowly turned around and looked at the uninvited guest with a look of complete indifference.

The question did not seem to discourage the girl at all.

“I will live here,” and she smiled a sweet childish smile. One of her baby teeth had apparently recently fallen out, but this flaw did not make her any less pretty.

- You?! – the man laughed strangely. -Are you going to live here?! I have been living here for many years and no one has come to see me. And you…

The man turned away, and the girl quietly approached him, put her small pale hand on his shoulder and whispered:

- But I came, now you are not alone...

– Long years I tried to leave this hated room, I tried to knock down the doors, I tried to break the window, I would even agree to gnaw the bars with my teeth in order to leave, to escape... But no, nothing worked! – the man jumped up, but then fell back onto the stool and, hugging his head with his large palms, began to cry.

“Now you are free,” the girl said quietly. - You can go. The door is open.

The man looked at the girl with disbelief and asked:

- Who are you? How can I trust you?

The girl smiled.

– I am Love... My middle name is Tenderness.

“And I...” the man began hesitantly, but the girl did not let him finish.

- I know you are Loneliness. You've been living here for a very long time. But now I will live here. God himself sent me here.

The man stood up, looked around the room and said:

“Thanks to you, this little room will change.” It will become larger, it will be filled with flowers with a wonderful aroma. Thanks to you, it will be filled with bright warm light - it will no longer be dark and cold here. I am finally leaving, but from time to time, I will return so that you become stronger and firmer, so that you do not leave, but live in the heart of this Man forever.

The man grabbed the door handle to leave, but turned around and asked:

- Can I go back?

The girl smiled.

“Since Man gave his heart to God,” she said joyfully, “there is no place for you here, as for a life prisoner, but there is always a place for Loneliness, as a good thing.” true friend and a guest who is always welcome.

Loneliness disappeared, and Tenderness began to grow and strengthen in the heart of Man.

Hello. I found this site a long time ago and now I remembered about it, probably because I have no one else to tell what’s on my soul, so I’m not really looking forward to any advice, I just want to speak out, although for the advice of those who can Maybe I experienced the same condition, I would be very grateful. That year I graduated from school, there was no question about choosing an institute - I was always drawn to medicine. While submitting documents, I thought about how my life would change. Most of all I dreamed of meeting new friends and young man, even just a friend. I myself am a rather shy, serious person, but in the circle of loved ones I open up, I become who I am. Perhaps that’s why I have very few friends, and have never had a boyfriend. Why, no one even held my hand, let alone felt any feelings. Now the first course is nearing the end, and I understand that everything remains in its place. The guys in my group are good, since the beginning of the year I have become friends with a classmate, but now I realize that I am starting to lose her, they are forming their own friendly company and no matter how much I want to get there, I can’t do it again because of my inability the ability to open up. It feels like you can only talk to me about studying, I’m starting to understand this. It's a shame that besides her I have no other hobbies and activities, she really takes up a lot of time, yes honey. This is what a university is like. Close girlfriend Since school, she has already managed to work, and enroll in a driving school, and she has a young man with whom they are planning to buy an apartment, but for me, everything has remained in its place. Another friend also now has a lot of new acquaintances and friends, and I already understand that something is wrong with me. Because of this, I feel somehow flawed, I withdraw into myself even more, I withdraw into myself even more. There is one acquaintance who is plump, maybe not beautiful, but she knows how to present herself in such a way that she has a guy and has a lot of friends. I always envy such girls with charisma. I don’t consider myself beautiful, although I’m not deprived of looks, and there were compliments from guys/men even just on the street, but when it comes to communication, I’m immediately withdrawn and shy, even to the point that I’m afraid to look a person in the eyes. Of course, this puts them off, but I can’t help it. Probably the only way out is to find a patient guy who would wait until I get through this time barrier, trust and open up to him. But where can you find something like this? And how much longer will we have to wait? Because of all these experiences, I started eating a lot, gained weight, got angry and hated myself. If I lose my appearance, then I will have nothing at all. It’s sad and insulting that I’m only 18 years old, but I’m sitting at home, studying and eating. There is no one to go out with, everyone has their own life, their own interests. But I have nothing, apparently, loneliness is my only companion in life.