I am 35 years old, my wife is 33. We have been together for ten years, of which we have been married for five years. In six months we will have our first child. But I’ve been thinking about how to leave my wife for a year now.

I'm not cheating on her. I'm just tired of our relationship. I'm no longer interested in her and she doesn't excite me anymore. I have been experiencing these feelings for the last two years. I immediately thought that this would pass, but the situation is only getting worse.

Over the course of a year, I tried to make our relationship more interesting: I showered my wife with bouquets, organized romantic evenings, we went on vacation together and went to various events. And then we really had a great time, but it quickly passed.

It’s difficult to say where the feelings for my wife disappeared. One day I woke up and realized that I had stopped admiring her, I no longer wanted to take care of her. The first thing that has practically disappeared from relationships is sex, hugs and kisses. Previously, this was all the time, but over time it was “only on holidays.”

It’s sad because we both dreamed of living together all our lives, creating a big, strong family. I once deliberately proposed to her... Now she is pregnant, and I am thinking about how to leave. And I don’t understand myself. I never thought that I could suddenly change my attitude towards my beloved wife.

He has not yet told his wife about his decision. I don’t know how to explain this to her, and I still hope that “tomorrow everything will change.” I am very worried about this, I feel like a traitor. How to resolve the situation?

Anastasia Kapustinskaya, psychologist, gestalt therapist:

– Crises in family life are inevitable. A relationship involves two different people, who in some ways develop together, and in others, each on their own. A crisis begins when the old way is no longer possible, but the new way still doesn’t work.

Changing feelings and discomfort in a relationship are a symptom that something is going wrong. But you can’t leave everything to chance; you need to figure out what the problem is. At such a moment, it is important not to try to distract yourself with something; on the contrary, you need to immerse yourself in the current discomfort and try to understand what exactly is going wrong. Analyze how the partner’s words and behavior changed, what did he begin to perceive differently? What is missing and what is there too much?

The most valuable resource in a relationship is the ability to talk. You need to tell your partner what is going wrong, and be sure to ask how he sees the situation. Then you can be together, even when it’s not easy.

Very often tenderness (kisses, hugs, sex) leaves a relationship when the partner feels angry, irritated and resentful. But he doesn’t show these feelings, because either he is not fully aware of them, or it is not customary to show such emotions in a relationship. Then, stopping this spectrum of experiences, both love and tenderness go away.

Pregnancy is one of the crisis stages for a couple. The temptation to give up everything can be great. In this situation, the couple has been together for ten years. This is a good foundation to try to survive the crisis together. The main thing is to understand that nothing will get better on its own.

It is important to talk with each other about fears, worries, doubts. Open conversations about difficulties can bring intimacy back into a relationship. You can try contacting a family psychologist.

When a couple learns to freely express their dissatisfaction and talk about discomfort, then the need to restrain tenderness will disappear.

There can be many reasons why men leave pregnant women. In order to definitely determine the reason, you need to know well the man’s initial intentions, his plans and attitude towards a particular woman, his type of character and the level of instilled responsibility. In almost any such situation, the main problem and bone of contention becomes the man’s unwillingness to take responsibility for the pregnant woman and the unborn child.

The birth of a child always involves large material and emotional costs. Sleepless nights, diapers, undershirts, mood swings of a pregnant wife and full responsibility for two family members, falling on the shoulders of a man. A child, no matter how strange it may sound, becomes a new stage and a difficult test in the life of future parents. The birth of a baby is often considered one of the stages of the crisis of family life.

In the modern world, open relationships have gained immense popularity. The moral framework has long been erased, and it is unlikely that anyone will be surprised by sexual relationships without obligations, civil marriage or other relationships between a man and a woman that have a free form.

Men run away, covering their tracks and disowning their future baby in every possible way, women cry into their pillows at night, not knowing what to do with their interesting situation. One part of society sympathizes with the poor abandoned girl, while the other half condemns the young lady for her irresponsibility and carelessness.

But blaming or condemning someone in this case is pointless, because, as a rule, both are to blame in such a situation, even despite the fact that each situation is unique in itself. Relationships between two people always fall apart due to the fault of each partner.

What are men to blame for or the reasons for their leaving?!

The first reason why men often leave their pregnant wives or brides is their selfishness or narcissism. Having learned about pregnancy, such men begin to realize that they will have to radically change their usual lifestyle, change all their habits, tastes in food, daily routine, sacrifice the theme or other amenities for the sake of the baby. Men are horrified by these thoughts and decide to leave. Thus, they relieve themselves of responsibility for the child’s life, because in fact they simply leave, without forcing the woman to get rid of the baby, which is so burdensome to the man, while they maintain their usual way of life.

The second reason is the man’s immaturity. As they say: “There is a time for everything,” this saying also applies in the case of the birth of a child; it is not for nothing that parents often tell newlyweds that it is too early to have a child; their warnings relate not only to the lack of material and emotional resources, but also to psychological characteristics men and women. If a man is not mature enough psychologically and emotionally to become a father, then he cannot perceive a woman’s pregnancy as a natural and pleasant process. A wife with a belly does not seem sexy and attractive to him; in his eyes, she loses all her feminine charm. Men do not feel tenderness from the fact that the baby is growing, developing and moving inside. In some cases, men subconsciously become disgusted with hugging, kissing and even touching a woman with a belly.

The third reason, and the most standard one, is the responsibility that men are not ready or simply do not want to take on. The stronger sex is actually much weaker emotionally than it seems, and responsibility for a child frightens and forces a man to run away. He is afraid of not being able to cope, which means humiliating himself and his manhood.

The fourth reason may be a man’s lack of trust in his woman. If earlier in their relationship there was betrayal or infidelity of the spouse. Then the future father may suspect that the baby has nothing to do with him and leave the pregnant woman.

The fifth reason is often the terrible character and appearance of a woman. Sometimes a man is left in the final stages. Due to hormonal changes in a woman’s body during pregnancy, women often become simply unbearable; excessive tearfulness, bitchiness and constant hysterics drive men crazy. Often in later stages, women begin to look bad, suffer from hair loss, and are unable to take proper care of themselves due to swelling. For men, oddly enough, all this can also become a reason to leave.

The sixth and one of the most common reasons for a man to leave is considered to be an unwanted and unplanned pregnancy, in other words, the fruit of casual or frivolous relationships. In such cases, the man simply does not want a child, he does not need it and he believes that he has the right to refuse it.

The seventh reason is the fear of not being able to cope. Pregnancy sometimes requires additional expenses for a woman’s health, often not foreseen initially, plus to all this, many women, due to their health, stop working early, because of this, all financial issues fall on the shoulders of the man, and he leaves, simply tired and scared that he wouldn't be able to cope.

The eighth and no less common reason is the lack of their own housing, men do not want to live with their pregnant wife and her parents, and men are also not satisfied with communal or rented apartments.

In ninth place can be attributed - condemnation of friends or close relatives is also often a reason for leaving; if the mother is not happy with the future bride, then the man easily leaves subconsciously thinking that the responsibility falls on the shoulders of his mother, because this decision was 80% accepted at her suggestion.

What are women to blame for, and what actions of theirs prompt a man to leave?!

Women are no less to blame for their loneliness. Among the main reasons for women’s guilt in such situations are:

• Excessive nervousness. Many women consider it acceptable to scream, become depressed and mock their husbands, blaming everything on their interesting position. Women should try to pull themselves together and remember that men are very vulnerable creatures, and this period is no less difficult for them than for the weaker sex.
• One of the most common mistakes women make is to plan everything themselves. Men often openly say that they are not ready for children, but girls take all this as excuses and try by all means to get pregnant secretly from the man. The saying can be applied to such a case: “What you fought for, that’s what you ran into.” As a result, the girl remains pregnant, and the man, as before, declares that he is not ready for children and everyone goes his own way.
• Girls should also remember that men love with their eyes, which means they should try their best to look good during pregnancy and not let themselves down, citing their position.
• Pregnancy is often the cause of a casual relationship, sometimes such a relationship occurs in a drunken state, in which case a woman should treat her partner more responsibly, in this case we are talking about the consequences for her health and future.

It is worth remembering that the maternal instinct in a woman is inherent in nature; she will want and love her child in any case. Men do not have such an instinct. And they do not have an innate desire for children; a man wants a child only when he meets the woman he loves, or after 30, when, looking back at the children of his peers, he realizes that he has not fulfilled his main purpose - he has not produced an heir.

The birth of a child is considered one of the stages of the crisis of family life, and only truly loving and understanding couples can withstand it with dignity. When planning a child, consider all the pros and cons, your readiness to become parents, financial, psychological and emotional readiness.

My wife and I met on the Internet, she lived in another city. We talked on the phone for two months, then she came to me for two weeks. We decided to get married: she really wanted it, and I doubted it, but in the end I made up my mind. She was very hysterical before the wedding, I thought she would change, but no. Now she is expecting a child. He is jealous of me for no reason, every day there are quarrels and insults. I don’t love her, I tolerate her hysterics. I want to get a divorce, but my conscience is tormenting me. I provide for her completely, she stays at home, although the time is still short. I myself don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t cheat, I work. There is an apartment, a car. I recently met a friend whom I have loved for a long time. She refused me, but now I feel that everything has changed. I want to be with her, I am confident in her. And with my current wife - simply out of a sense of duty. I do not know what to do.

Damir, 29 years old

First you write “you decided to get married,” then “I doubted it, but in the end I decided.” That is, at first there was “we”, then only “I”. Perhaps you had other reasons why the marriage took place, but you kept silent about them in your letter. Then you begin to look for excuses that would allow you to leave your wife and get out of the relationship.

What to do? Take responsibility for your own decisions. Yes, you didn’t have time to really get to know the woman you married, but you could take your time and go through all the stages of communication before getting married. Now your wife is pregnant, and she needs a calm environment and confidence. Her status and body are changing, she is not protected: you are thinking about leaving, she may well feel it. She may have many fears, which does not exclude problems of a psychological nature in general (hysterical personality type, neurosis, and so on).

Despite your wife's behavior, you need to support her morally. If it’s completely unbearable, perhaps offer to live separately. But leaving now for another woman means jeopardizing the course of the pregnancy. You need to think not only of yourself, but also of your wife as the mother of your child. Now there are three of you. You cannot concentrate only on your interests and new relationships, you are a future father, and now it is your responsibility to help your wife bear a healthy child and give birth safely.

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Advice to “be happy” in this situation seems inappropriate. However, this is exactly what you need, and you have a reason to be happy. This is your baby. You have given new life and every day you will see how a person grows and gets on his feet. You have realized yourself as a woman, because, no matter what they say about a woman being a lover, a worker, or a developing personality, most of us begin to feel like a woman after the birth of a child. And it is in him that she can find her happiness, with him next to her to experience the strongest love of all possible.
Of course, in a state of stress, with a feeling of betrayal in your soul, it is not so easy to feel happy. How can you help yourself?

If your husband left: everything is not so scary

Try not to exaggerate the drama of what happened. An incomplete family and a dysfunctional family are two different things. And many of the problems of single-parent families are myths or an outdated approach that has nothing in common with modern reality. And if you do not consider your family inferior, you do not feel guilty that the child is growing up without a father, then he will feel not like the child of a single mother, but a baby whose family consists of him and his mother.

If the husband has already left and actually turned out to be a traitor, then it is better for this to become clear now, and not later, when the baby would already be attached to his father and would be very upset about his parents’ divorce.

The importance of your attitude to what is happening is confirmed by studies of families in which the father actually died heroically when the mother was pregnant or the child was still small. Such a mother’s self-perception, as a rule, is different, she is not ashamed, does not feel guilt, and her child lives with his head held high. So the first step is to admit that your family is like this and it’s not bad or good, it just happens like this and sometimes it happens differently.

There are many studies that emphasize that children from single-parent families are somehow different from their peers who are raised by mom and dad. For example, preschool boys who are raised by their fathers have, on average, a higher IQ. However, firstly, even among boys who are raised only by their mothers, there are carriers of very high intelligence. And secondly, even despite the fact that the boy is raised by his mother and grandmother before school and he really does not have before his eyes a model of male thinking and male behavior, with age, as he socializes at school and in sports activities, the boy’s development evens out. The same applies to psychological characteristics: a boy is quite capable of assimilating a male role model, even without a father living with him - all fears about “female upbringing” in a situation where the husband has left are greatly exaggerated.

Don't forget that there are a lot of men around: coaches, teachers, your friends, your child's grandfather, your brother, his cousins ​​- this is quite enough to perceive a model of male behavior.

Don't worry about your child's intellectual or personal development just because you don't have a husband. Communicate with people, lead an active lifestyle, do not avoid two-parent families - a wide circle of friends and openness to the world will give your child everything he needs.

Has your husband left? Analyze this!

It makes sense to honestly consider the reasons for separating from the father of your child. As paradoxical as it sounds, if the husband left because he simply turned out to be a deceiver, then it is much easier to survive his betrayal. If only because you don’t feel guilty for what happened.

However, if you subconsciously wanted to strengthen your relationship with a man by tying him to you with the help of a child, then you will be overcome by more complex feelings.

In both cases, the child can cause negative emotions in you, because it reminds you of betrayal and disappointed expectations. All these emotions are complicated by a feeling of guilt, because from childhood we have learned that any mother loves her child, and if not, or with reservations, then something is wrong with her. In fact, many women, due to various circumstances, need to raise the mother in themselves. The feeling of unconditional love does not come to everyone instantly and on its own. You are not alone. Problems often arise if the child and mother were separated after childbirth for medical reasons, and if the mother received psychological trauma during childbirth, and if the pregnancy was unwanted, and if childbirth and pregnancy coincided with some kind of family tragedy. And sometimes there are no apparent reasons, but there is severe postpartum depression due to the individual characteristics of the body. In short, sometimes you have to work on forming an attachment and wait a while.

• Try to establish eye-to-eye contact with your baby, especially during feeding. Don't be distracted while feeding your baby, let it be time for you.
• Let you have close sensory contact. If your baby has a tummy ache, place him on your stomach, carry him in your arms and hug him often.
• Talk to the baby. Tell him all your fears and concerns. According to the famous French psychoanalyst Françoise Dolto, if you tell your child about your feelings, even the most terrible and negative ones, this makes your relationship more open and harmonious. You get rid of stress by articulating what is bothering you, and the baby intuitively feels that you have your own world and contact with him. In addition, one often gets the impression that, without understanding the words, children perfectly understand the meaning of what was said, and this is important.

If your husband leaves: what will happen tomorrow?

Sometimes it’s easier to analyze what happened and get rid of fears by imagining that you will answer the baby when he starts asking questions: “Why don’t we have a dad?”, “Where is my dad?” What exactly to answer your child is your choice. I would only like to warn against outright lies about the “great cosmonaut”. If only because one fine day someone will tell the child the truth, and the “astronaut” may “arrive” when they were not expecting it.

You should not describe your father in negative terms. If you manage to instill in a child a disgust for his father, the child will partially transfer these feelings to himself, since family, origin, blood ties are all part of human identity. Roughly speaking, by hating the father, the child hates part of himself and traumatizes his own psyche.

It is best to tell the truth, omitting some details and emphasizing that this is an ordinary life situation, this sometimes happens: people break up and live separately. Surely there are plenty of examples in your environment that will show your child that your situation is not extraordinary. However, do not overdo it: the baby must understand that it is good when there is both mom and dad, and that mom is sad that this happened. This is important so that the child is set up for a normal, complete family in the future. In addition, if you want to get married, the baby will more easily get used to the new dad if he perceives the completeness of the family as a blessing. And you don’t risk hearing: “Why do we need dad? You and I are already fine!”

By thinking about such a conversation 3-4 years in advance in all the details, you will be able to understand for yourself how you see the current situation. And internal responsibility towards your child will force you to look at things more positively.

Surely from time to time you will think about what to do if the baby’s father tries to return to you. Remember that there can be no clear answers or solutions here: you will have to react according to the situation and listen to your heart. However, always act in the child's best interest.

Your openness to new relationships is also important. As a rule, children do not remember their parents' divorce due to the fact that they were very young or if the divorce occurred before their birth. This is why they usually perceive the idea of ​​a “new dad” more positively, because they do not have to be torn between their biological father and their mother’s new husband. Nowadays, a woman with a child is not at all a burden or a second-class woman. Moreover, many adult men believe that having a child characterizes a woman as a more reliable life partner, and not a “swift tail.” You shouldn’t fixate on finding a “new dad,” but you shouldn’t dismiss such thoughts and proposals either.

Whatever the reasons for your separation from the father of your child, you do not need to focus on this particular event in your personal life history and the history of your child. The baby is a separate person, and you have the happiness of watching your creation grow and mature, you have years to enjoy this miracle. The child's father decided to deny himself such a difficult but wonderful pleasure. It's his choice. And you have an interesting life ahead.

Text: Anna Nikitina, consultant - Natalya Barinova, head. psychological department of the Center for Natural Development and Child Health.

I have been married for almost 3 years, but in the last year everything has gone downhill, we have grown apart very much. Towards the end there was a girl I fell head over heels in love with. As a result, in order not to cheat and make things worse, I decided to leave my wife. We lived in a rented apartment, so I paid for this apartment for her until the end of her studies and moved to another one. I started building a relationship with another girl, came to life, felt happy, and then suddenly my wife announced that she was pregnant from me. Although it’s from me, I’ll check again, because... the chance is minimal. As a result, after a couple of months of deliberation, I decided to return to the family for the sake of the child. But it blows my mind terribly, I love someone else very much, my wife is unpleasant. He retreated into himself again. I know that I can take care of the child and provide for him even if I live separately, but I still have the idea that the child should grow up in a complete family. I don't know what to do with this. Please tell me how to deal with all this.

Artyom, Moscow, 27 years old / 10.25.16

Our experts' opinions

• Alyona

  Artem, you are still a strange person: well, you made the decision that you were leaving your wife, that you didn’t love your wife, that you needed another one, so why did you sleep with her after that? Alas, the child is almost certainly yours, unless your wife lied and she is really pregnant. Why? Yes, because, according to statistics, it is precisely this kind of casual sex initiated by a woman that most often happens to be “stray.” It's very simple: a woman becomes more active during ovulation. So... Most likely, you got it. But here, forgive me, I’m a fool myself. Because when you leave, leave, and there is no need to catch up with your ex-wife, sleep with her for the last time and arrange farewell sex tours. On the other hand, the same can be said to your ex-wife: if a man has already decided to leave you, and has even already left, the most idiotic thing you could come up with is to arrange a “stay” to keep the man pregnant. In fact, this means ruining the life of yourself, the man, and the child, who was and will remain only a tool for manipulation by two adults. Personally, I am against manipulation. And in this particular case, I believe that returning to your wife is following the lead of the manipulator. There is no love, no trust, no even respect between you, she obviously needs financial support from you (you paid for the apartment until the end of your studies, but then she also needs it), you don’t need anything from her. What's the point of coming back? To quietly hate her for all this? Tell her that you are ready to help, but not ready to live with her (which corresponds to the harsh reality). And leave. I don’t know whether your second great love will accept you back, but this, in principle, is the second question. Because children are not a reason to live with those who disgust you for the rest of your life. Flies separately - cutlets separately.

• Sergey

  Artyom, it’s better for a child to grow up in a full-fledged family. But full and complete are not synonyms. Completeness is when there is a dad who respects and loves his mother, and she loves him. When both parents love their children, they do not scandalize or humiliate each other. If dad seems to live in the same apartment with his wife, but there is no talk of any agreement, if mom walks around with red eyes from tears, scandals and daddy’s “spares” on the side are not uncommon, then there is nothing meaningful here. And nothing good will come for the child from such a full family. In such conditions, it is better to let dad come, but no abuse will be heard in the house and no humiliation will be seen. At the same time, if you and your wife can separate as adults and agree on raising your child together, then nothing bad will happen to him. Of course, this will require effort from you, both moral and material. Especially while the child is very young. But no one forced you to have unprotected sex with your spouse, when everything was already going downhill, you became very distant and you had another girlfriend. Consider this retribution for your own stupidity. Well, in the future, when the baby grows up, you will just need to not forget about his existence and regularly visit and communicate. And it will be very important to explain that you broke up with your mother simply because this sometimes happens among adults, but this does not mean that you do not love your child. Vice versa. And that you will definitely help and protect. In principle, this is quite enough for the baby to develop the feeling that there is a dad. Yes, he lives separately, but he exists.