Pregnant from a married man, advice from a psychologist. How to get pregnant from a married man. How to get pregnant from a married man if he doesn't want children

Hello. I have a banal story, but I don't know what to do.

I am pregnant by a married man whom I have been dating for about 5 years. I am 38 years old and for a very long time I could not get pregnant. At first, at the beginning of our meetings, the man was against us having a child. Then he began to wait until he could get pregnant. When I became pregnant, we talked about how he would help nurse the baby, we already went to look at the crib and changing tables.

Finally it happened. I am very happy, but I ran into problems here. Nobody promised me a divorce, and I don’t insist. But it is very important for me that the child’s father knows how the pregnancy and how the baby is progressing. I see what a caring father he is for his two daughters. And I so wanted our baby to have the same attitude. Warm. Paternal. Tender. I thought he was interested in it. Probably overloaded with this information. Plus, during pregnancy my character deteriorated, I became very touchy, whiny, and vulnerable. I cry constantly, sometimes I don’t pick up the phone, sometimes I don’t answer his SMS. I understand that this is my fault.

I'm currently 25 weeks along. 10 days ago we were going to go for an ultrasound to see the baby. I offered to go, our dad said that he would definitely go. We waited a week for this visit.

But when he came to take me to the doctor, he said that he wouldn’t go for an ultrasound, he would just take me to the hospital, since he had to leave the next day with his wife for a vacation in Abkhazia. I learned about this trip last, on Friday evening, when he had to leave on Saturday morning. He had not spoken about this before, and did not prepare me for such news. Although before he always shared everything with me.

I cried and asked to come with me to the ultrasound, because we had been waiting for this for a week. But he said no and that he had to go home.

I burst into tears and jumped out of the car. He tried to hold on. Then he called the phone and asked why I did this.

Once again, with tears, I asked him to stay for the ultrasound. But again the answer was: no.

Then I told him that when he arrives from Abkhazia, he should not call us again.

In general, he doesn’t call or write. I know he's still there.

We had never been apart before (in the sense of without communication) for such a long period of time. Every day we hung on the phone, if we couldn’t call, we wrote SMS, or, as a last resort, email.

I don't know what to do now. I'm afraid it's my own fault. Although my friends scold me for being humiliated. And they say that if a person needs it, no matter how much you push him, he will still write, at least asking about the health of the baby in his tummy. If he really loves you.

I always want to write to him. Because I love him. But reason says that he calmly took my words into action and decided that it would be better this way (not to communicate). So he doesn't need a baby.

Help, what should I do? Is it really all my fault for what happened? And are my friends right that I don’t need to write to him, remind him of myself? And that if he loves, he will definitely return himself.

I'm afraid that the more time passes in silence, the further away he is from us. And my heart constantly skips a beat, what if he’s waiting for my letter....

Hello! We have been dating a man for 6.5 years, we used to be lovers and everyone was happy with everything in principle. I did not claim him as a husband. I'm 24 years old now. He is 40, he and his wife have no children. And in the last year everything has changed, our relationship has become different, warm, tender, and we began to often talk about children and actually stopped using protection, and half a year ago I became pregnant, we are both happy about it, but he really doesn’t fully understand it yet It seems to me that we will soon have a baby. He provides for me completely, we are going to buy an apartment for the child. And in fact, I understand that I love this person as much as I have never loved anyone. And I want to create a full-fledged family with him. We haven't talked about this with him yet. I don’t know if it’s worth it? Does it make sense? Will he leave his wife for us? Please tell me? To complete the picture, I’ll say that we see each other almost every day, we spend weekends together, we go to the cinema, restaurants, we walk the dog, but he rarely stays overnight.

Answers from psychologists

Hello, Oksana!

You are pregnant and now is the time to talk to your man about your future. If you want to create a full-fledged family with him. then tell him about it and find out what he wants. Perhaps your goals do not coincide, and he needs you as a mistress and mother of his child. but not the wife. Such a long-term love triangle suggests that he gets something important for himself with you, and something important in his relationship with his wife. but neither of you gives him everything he needs. Only by openly telling each other about your goals and desires can you decide together what to do next, although, of course, you should have done this before pregnancy.

You yourself should think about why you chose a man much older than yourself and agreed to be his mistress for so many years. without pretending to be the only one. Most likely, this is a projection of your relationship with your father. It seems that next to this man, psychologically you remain a little girl who receives the love and care that your dad did not give you. Maybe this is precisely what prevents your man from making the final decision to start a family with you.

If you need help, come for an individual consultation.

Stolyarova Marina Valentinovna, consulting psychologist, St. Petersburg

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Dear Oksana.

No one can say for sure what will happen, but the future worries us, especially when life is preparing such strong changes.

I don’t want to either reassure you or upset you, but it is important to understand why you are not ready to raise with your loved one an issue that is so important to you, especially now.

I think it's better to discuss it head on, look into your fears, and define your desires more clearly. Let's meet in consultation mode. You may need several meetings, perhaps one or two will be enough.
Call, contact, I will be glad to talk with you about this and explore your situation. Now peace of mind is more important to you than anxiety and uncertainty of the future.

I wish you love and happiness.

Biryukova Anastasia Evgenievna, psychologist in St. Petersburg

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Oksana, hello.

You are asking:

And I want to create a full-fledged family with him. We haven't talked about this with him yet. I don’t know if it’s worth it? Does it make sense? Will he leave his wife for us? Please tell me?

Oksana, I suspect that your main fear is that he will not leave his wife and marry you.

Moreover,

but he really doesn’t fully understand yet, it seems to me that we will soon have a baby.

What does this mean?

Oksana, you are at that point in life when it’s time to grow up dramatically. You will have to make decisions not only for yourself, but also for your existing child.

A love triangle is formed where and when there is emotional immaturity and codependency of the participants. And each of them.

Oksana, in order to understand whether it makes sense to fight for your future husband (and you will have to do exactly this if you decide to marry this particular man), honestly answer yourself a few questions. What exactly motivates you? How do you really feel about this man? There is a big age difference between you and he fully provides for you. Such relationships are built according to the “father-daughter” type. He gives care and material benefits, and the woman pays for them with a lack of any independence. Although such marriages can be happy. And, in principle, there is a chance that the man will go to live with his pregnant mistress, especially since he has no children with his wife.

Why did you choose to be his mistress for 6.5 years? And you didn’t want to become a wife? Why does your man of 6.5 years have a relationship with both his wife and a young girl?

It’s also useful to think about how to learn to provide for yourself and your child. And how to build a relationship if the father claims the right to the exclusive upbringing of the baby (especially since he is childless in marriage). In general, I urge you not only to succumb to the romance of gentle walks with the dog on weekends, but to think sensibly about how to live if you get married and how to live if you separate and are left alone with a baby.

What I write sounds cruel, but you are now responsible not only for yourself and your well-being.

Oksana, in any case, you have an emotionally intense stage of life ahead of you. And not very predictable prospects. If you need it, contact me, I can provide emotional support and help you figure out what’s happening and how to deal with it.

Strength to you, women's wisdom and sobriety of decisions. And also great luck.

Sincerely, your psychologist Irina Rozanova, St. Petersburg

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The most difficult thing in these relationships is to learn to abstract from hatred and misunderstanding. But I love him and I don’t care what anyone says. You can start throwing slippers at me.

When a girl is in her early twenties, she is full of illusions and hopes of finding her prince and is even ready to disappear into a mountain of dishes, socks and panties, children, cats and dogs. Over the years, the illusory dream becomes, on the one hand, more accessible, and on the other, it acquires new features.

“We met him at work when I was in my early twenties. He did not hide the fact that he was married and had a child, but at the same time he always told me that he and his wife had not slept for a long time, but lived only by inertia. I was getting good regular sex and the attention I needed at that time. A little later love came, and what I had before was not enough for me. We quarreled, made up violently, quarreled again, but in the end nothing changed. He still wasn’t going to get a divorce and pay more attention to me, and I started missing just great sex. After three years of such feelings, I quit my job, never to see him again and start my life again.

My friends and relatives insisted that I deserved the best, and not a dog like him, that I had nothing to hope for and that I was wasting the precious years of my youth. They registered me on dating sites against my will and tried to find a “normal guy.” I drank sedatives and ignored all this.

weheartit

A month and a half after my next “climbing” the wall from the overwhelming depression, I realized that I couldn’t live without my lover. I felt physically ill, I couldn’t even imagine that some man was undressing me and dragging me to bed. I couldn’t see my life without a specific man, not my man. I returned to work.

At that moment, the rules of our relationship were clearly stated, but, of course, everything went wrong. Six months later I became pregnant. He tactlessly hinted that I should see a doctor. I still regret listening to him.

Two years have passed. Those around me continued to get married and have children, and the number 30 flashed more and more clearly on my horizon. And I decided for myself that it was time to start, if not a family, then at least a child. There was little choice. I addressed this proposal to my, or rather, not my, man. He agreed, discussing on the shore that he was not going to get a divorce, but was ready to take on the financial obligations associated with the baby.

weheartit

No, I am not ashamed in front of his wife and society. If she were good for him, he would not have been with me for so many years. I think she realizes that he has another life. If necessary, I am ready to meet with her and discuss all the points that interest her. But she won’t see me, because she knows: if something happens, she will destroy her own family with her own hands. We know her, by the way. A couple of times he took her to meetings that I was present at. And even then I was not ashamed, as everyone around me promised me. Why should I be ashamed of my own happiness and my feelings? Does this woman really have exclusive rights to a man? He is a big boy and is able to make his own decisions about who and with whom he should be.

Our baby will be born in a couple of months. I will have a dash in the “father” column. Why do I need extra paperwork? Everything suits me. I am pregnant from the man I love. Even if it’s not mine. But these are the feelings and relationships that each of us dreams of.”

weheartit

Psychologist Alisa Metelina comments on the situation:

This is a dependent relationship from which it is very difficult to get out. There may be two reasons why a woman decides to give birth to a married man.

1. This is when a woman still hopes to stir up emotions in a man after the birth of a child, thereby pulling him over to her side. Because even if she says that she understands and accepts the rules of the game, she does not fully realize that deep inside every woman lives the desire to be the only one, loved and desired, to take the place of a legal spouse. Here the heroine can try to tie the man more to herself. Even if not to become the only one for him, but to get a full-fledged family. The child's father will come to her not once a week, but more. This connection is built on common interests, and in this case, the child. Most likely, she is counting on this aspect.

2. There is one more component. But it is much smaller, in my opinion. It happens that a woman accepts the rules of the game. She is ready to be a mistress because she understands that there will be nothing better in her life, the years are passing, but she no longer has the strength to leave, to get out of neurotic relationships and the love triangle. And she decides to have a child. Thus, he becomes a kind of outlet for her and a way out of this neurosis. This is a woman's attempt to heal from this relationship. But this is a very sad story for a child. Such children, born by their mother for themselves, do not have any positive experience in relationships. These are already immediately injured. Plus, most often, mothers who give birth for themselves are not going to let these children go anywhere later. They are actually planning to grow old and die with this child. In this situation, a woman experiences mother hen syndrome and begins to have breakdowns. Such women need the help of a specialist. Because they cannot understand that they cannot solve their problems at the expense of the child. It's terrible when a woman gives up on herself. And the child has to pay for all her actions.

weheartit

Our heroine is not 30. She is still trying to fight for her love, and also feels dependent on this person. And this time she realized that she had run out of all the arguments and techniques to win him over to her side. Having become pregnant, she tries to at least partially take this man for herself. I would advise her to either put the question bluntly or look for another partner. But since this story has been going on for many years, and the lover still stands his ground, I think the first option will be impossible to implement here.

A man who signs up for this is making a huge mistake. Of course, this pleases his pride; he will be glad to have another child. But I would advise such men to think about their family first. If you are firmly convinced that you are not going to separate from your legal spouse, why should you expand your area of responsibilities? You have to understand that sooner or later the spouse will find out. If she is a wise woman and is interested in this relationship, she will simply arrange a fun life for both her mistress and the man. So a man should think with a cool head many times before accepting such offers.

Also, do not forget that the words of a woman spoken in a fit of love can have completely different consequences. Don't write off postpartum depression. A young mother can, completely unexpectedly for her, call or even meet with her legal wife and provide all participants in the triangle with problems that will jeopardize the man’s main relationship. But in my practice, it usually happens like this: wives remain in their place, but mistresses change.

weheartit

And to the girls who decide to take such a step, I can say one thing for sure: not a single man can be deterred by children. If he says he's not getting a divorce because of the kids, keep in mind: that's not true. Men sometimes leave and stop communicating with children. No matter what they say. I'm not talking about absolutely all men; there are different representatives of the stronger sex with different levels of responsibility. But in most cases, this is exactly what happens: their children become unnecessary, communication is reduced to a minimum. But men often accept someone else’s child from a new woman.

Statistics show that almost every second woman has experienced such a traumatic experience in her life. Many were in love with married people. If this is a one-time situation from which you got out with the least losses, drew conclusions and decided for yourself that you will never go down this path again - that’s great. It's a wonderful experience. Draw conclusions and continue to live and build a relationship with that man who will belong only to you.

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Relationship with a married man

It also happens in our lives that a girl meets a man and falls in love, but he already has a family. Such stories are not uncommon today. And it is only your choice to continue such a relationship or not.

It seems to me that a mistress will always experience an inner fear that her husband will go back to his wife. After all, when a man has already left his wife once, he can also leave you in the future. Don't forget this.

Of course, it also happens that a man falls in love and leaves the family in order to build a new, more harmonious, healthy and strong relationship. I have several examples where a girl stole her husband from another and they still live happily together and raise children together.

More often the husband goes to the left when he is wealthy. After all, the second woman means more expenses, paying for a hotel, expensive gifts, etc. You could fall for the charm of not only the man himself, but also his thick wallet. Take off your rose-colored glasses. Rich men find it very painful to part with their money in the event of a divorce. Therefore, there is a possibility that he will never leave his wife just to save his fortune.

I do not condemn, but I also do not encourage relationships with people who are married. Life is complicated. Here it is impossible to give an assessment based on only one criterion. All components are important. The relationship between husband and wife, his weaknesses, your strengths and much more.

His reaction

Men may react very differently to your pregnancy news. What should you be prepared for?
It is possible that the gentleman will give an aggressive reaction. He could simply count on an easy and irresponsible relationship with you. If he was not looking for anything serious, but was just having fun, then the news about the child, of course, will not please him. It could even reach the point of threat. And you need to be prepared for this.
If you receive such a reaction, then simply say that you do not need his presence in your life, you do not require him to be involved in the educational process, and you will not expect financial support from him. Tell him that he can safely walk in all four directions. It's hard and painful, especially if you were counting on a different outcome. But something like this can happen.

There is a completely different story when he himself asks to keep the child. Then here you need to discuss a lot of things. Will he leave the family, will you create your own happy unit of society, or will he just want to take part in upbringing, but he will not leave his wife. Perhaps he will be ready to provide you with all kinds of help, both financial and moral.

Wise people always play out two scenarios in their heads. The best outcome and the most catastrophic. That is why you need to think through in your head what you will do in the event of his negative and positive reaction.

Give birth for yourself

In any case, I advise you to think about giving birth for yourself. In our country there are a huge number of single mothers who cope well with maternal responsibilities. Especially if you want to give birth.
If you love a man, then the child from him will be the most beloved, the most long-awaited. Then a little person will appear in your life, closer and dearer than whom you will no longer have. Children are the flowers of life, and this should not be forgotten.

Even if you are confident in him, in your gentleman, do not build castles in the air. It is best to always rely only on yourself. Based on your strengths and capabilities. If the child's father helps, then great. If it doesn’t, it’s okay, I’m sure that you yourself will cope in the best possible way.

Give all your love to the little person who truly deserves it. Direct all your strength and efforts to raise a worthy, honest, smart and intelligent person.

I am sure that you will be happy regardless of the reaction of the child's father. Remember that you are a strong and confident woman. You are definitely capable of handling anything. I hope my article helped you understand the situation a little.

Good luck to you and your baby!

Have you entered into a love relationship with a married man? Then you are definitely in an unenviable position. Especially if you find yourself pregnant from this man. How to present this news to him? There are some tips to help both you and your lover cope with the situation.

Seriousness

Since the topic is serious, it needs to be spoken seriously. Without feigned joy or grief. In an even and calm tone in a private setting. And, of course, only in person. There is no need to write messages on this topic. Remember that your man is not free, and someone from his family may accidentally discover the message. Tell your lover that you are in a difficult situation. You are like a couple, not you alone. After all, he also took part in the conception. Do not blame the man for anything, nor do you blame yourself. Just state the fact, and then ask about the prospects for the future. Not only in terms of your relationship, but also in terms of your future child.

Set yourself up correctly

Practice your speech at home. And prepare yourself for the fact that your news may not be so pleasant for your partner. You must be prepared for this, because, according to statistics, a very small percentage of married men leave for their mistress because the latter is pregnant. Set yourself the task not to take a man away from the family, but to prepare him for. Regardless of whether a man is with you or not, this does not relieve him of parental responsibilities. Report this in a dry, official tone, without unnecessary emotions or hysteria.

Without emotionality

Try to keep your emotions under control. If you have the courage to start a relationship with a married man, you should have the courage to talk about pregnancy. It is advisable that the conversation take place in a place where no one can overhear you. Firstly, extra eyes and ears are not needed in such a conversation. Secondly, it is not in your interests for anyone to find out that you are dating a married man and expecting a child from him.

If a man has expressed a sharply negative opinion about his future fatherhood, you should not put pressure on him. Leave him alone for a while so he can think things over. Do not intrude, do not catch your eye if possible. This will give him time to decide everything on his own. There is also no point in delaying further plans too much. After a week, try contacting again. If his decision is unchanged, find the courage to solve your situation yourself.