Once upon a time there lived a grandfather and grandmother. They lived a long time and fought a lot. The grandfather screamed, the grandmother screamed even more. One day, the grandmother ran out of patience and went to her neighbor for advice: how to stop quarreling with her husband? The neighbor gave her “magic” water and said: “Whenever you want to argue with your grandfather, put this water in your mouth and you will see that the grandfather himself will shut up.” That's what grandma did. And - lo and behold! - the scandals stopped. The grandfather wants to quarrel with the grandmother, but she takes water into her mouth and remains silent. Grandfather became uninterested, and the quarrels ended.

Let’s talk about “magic” water or some other cure for family quarrels. With the help of psychologists, we will try to quarrel correctly - so that no conflict disturbs your happy family union.

If it seems to you that you argue with your spouse more often than others, and all other families live in peace and tranquility, then you are mistaken. There are statistics according to which married couples quarrel on average 312 times a year. A quarrel can be caused by any family reason: snoring, TV, toothpaste, open refrigerator. It is estimated that 80% of fights have something to do with money. And another interesting information: do you think that you quarrel more often than you have sex? But again, according to statistics, 30%, like you, quarrel more often than they make love. So your pair is not out of statistical error. We hope our tips will help most families.

1. You will laugh, but the first advice when quarreling is not to avoid the quarrels themselves. Why? Because by avoiding them, hiding emotions, suppressing irritation, you accumulate resentment within yourself. Your memory begins to count how many grievances you have endured, how many conflicts you have prevented. Then a small match is enough, and a quarrel arises, which is much stronger in power than the ones you endured. And it will be much more difficult to put out this quarrel. What's the result? Their number decreases, but their strength increases. Don’t be patient, don’t be silent, don’t accumulate irritation - speak, discuss and argue a little.
2. He will surprise you too. Try to swear as calmly as possible during a quarrel. Watch your desire to shout down and interrupt, even if it seems to you that you are right. I repeat, try to explain as calmly as possible what doesn’t suit you. Your partner will want to scream - that's for sure. Usually, during a quarrel, the volume increases sequentially from partner to partner, but at some point it turns out that there is no room to increase it. The volume on your end is turned down as low as possible. You don't shout. “How is this?” your partner will think. Hang in there. Calmly continue the quarrel, and it will quietly develop into a normal conversation.
3. During a quarrel, try to discuss the topic of the quarrel. Concentrate on it. Don’t be distracted by past grievances, mistakes and problems that you had, for example, when digging a garden 5 years ago. This will lead you to a dead end. You'll start with an open refrigerator and end with a dull shovel. Do not use quarrels to speak on all topics in a row.
4. Are you interested in the opinion of the partner you live with? Both in a quarrel and in a calm atmosphere, you should understand that this is his opinion, different from yours, but it still exists. This is why it is so important to listen to each other in a quarrel! Try, although it sounds strange, to devote half of the time to expressing your opinion, and the other half to listen to your partner’s point of view. This is right! Yes, he has the right to a different opinion. But if you decide to remain silent, swords of lightning from your eyes, this does not mean that you are listening. You need to hear and understand why your partner thinks differently than you.
5. Try to avoid insults. Any - offensive or harmless. This is a road to nowhere. If you allow yourself to start calling people names, sooner or later it will end in gross insults. Yes, it's really very difficult. Not just for you. Couples all over the world call each other names when they argue. And you try to do without it, no matter what feelings you experience at that moment. Remember your childhood - that’s when it worked well. But now it’s no longer worth it! You have chosen your partner, decided to live together. Therefore, no matter what you want to call him, this also applies to you. This is your offensive name too.

So, much of what was said above probably surprised or interested you. Try to use our tips. Or the wise advice of a neighbor from a fairy tale about “magic” water. The main thing to remember and use in any family conflict, is that the person you are fighting with is your family! He is your beloved, he is always there. You fight not to break up forever, but just to express what worries you. Any quarrel must end. If you understand that the quarrel is reaching a dead end, its degree exceeds reasonable boundaries and you and your partner are no longer quarreling, but hurting each other with words, interrupt the quarrel. Finish up. Stop!

When people live together for a long enough period of time, quarrels and misunderstandings become part of the family life. The friction between people is always accompanied by certain difficulties in relationships, but in every couple the contradictions that arise are resolved different ways. In the article we will give useful tips regarding how to properly quarrel with your husband, how to find mutual understanding and preserve tenderness in a relationship, despite everyday problems.

Why do lovers quarrel?

Couple quarreling over various reasons. In most cases, quarrels appear in young families, where the spouses have not yet learned to coexist and everyone is trying to “pull the blanket over themselves,” that is, to protect their own interests, at all costs. More mature people learn to live peacefully, turn a blind eye to some annoying habits and actions of their spouse, and give in on certain issues. Although, even in established couples, quarrels are not uncommon. Misunderstanding, feelings of loneliness, fatigue and irritation, one way or another, lead to conflicts.

To better understand the nature of conflicts in a couple and learn how to deal with them effectively, it is necessary to consider several main causes of quarrels:

1. Fatigue and irritability are the most common causes of any conflicts in the family. At work and in society, it is somehow not customary to express dissatisfaction and take out irritation on strangers, but a loved one is an “excellent” target. When you are tired and irritated, finding a reason for a quarrel is not a problem. You will be annoyed by any little thing that in a normal state you would not pay attention to.

To neutralize the conflict, you need to do the following: when you feel very tired and are about to take your irritation out on your loved one, wait a while. Give yourself some time to calm down and look at the situation more realistically. Any conflicts are very exhausting, so there is no point in starting a quarrel when you are already tired. It is better to immediately tell your husband that you need to rest a little before communicating. And he, most likely, is also tired after a busy day and does not want to start another quarrel.

2. Infringement of pride and self-esteem. Criticism, insult, ridicule - not the best means to “educate” her husband. Women often make one serious mistake: they try to get what they want by resorting to insults and insults. Not only will such behavior not help achieve what you want, but the relationship between spouses is constantly deteriorating. Of course, you may think that criticizing your partner’s actions and personality helps him become better, change his behavior, etc. In fact, this is not true. Moreover, if a person is constantly criticized and not appreciated positive traits- he doesn’t want to become better, to do something for the woman and family. How to stop quarreling if your husband does not listen to what he is told and constantly irritates him with his actions and habits? There are a few effective recipes. The first is to find positive character traits in your husband and notice good deeds.

Also, to prevent such conflicts from arising between spouses, it is necessary to create an atmosphere of support and trust in the family. It is advisable to refrain from criticism or learn to express dissatisfaction with your partner’s actions in a positive way. For example, instead of: “Where have you been hanging around again, how long can we wait for you, loser?!” It’s better to say: “Darling, where have you been, I was so worried about you!” Believe me, a friendly attitude is much more effective.

3. Conflicts due to misunderstandings and lack of tenderness in relationships. At the very beginning of family life, spouses tend to care more about each other than about themselves. But over time, husband and wife begin more attention pay attention to your own needs and desires. Then complaints like: “You don’t care about me,” “You don’t pay attention to me,” “You don’t understand me at all,” etc. appear. How not to quarrel with your husband when you feel misunderstanding on his part? You need to communicate more, take an interest in your partner’s affairs, despite fatigue and lack of free time. High-quality communication in a couple is a guarantor of mutual understanding and harmonious relationships.

4. Conflicts related to the division of household responsibilities. Each person has his own stereotypes about the division of family responsibilities. To avoid quarrels on this basis, it is advisable to discuss these issues in advance and equally divide the obligations.

How to quarrel correctly?

Unfortunately, quarrels cannot be completely avoided in family life. All sorts of disagreements, one way or another, will be part of your life together. By the way, it's not that bad. The fact is that unions where partners sort things out from time to time are usually stronger and more harmonious. If irritation and dissatisfaction does not find a way out, you can expect serious consequences, even a complete break in the relationship. Clarification of relationships can be called an art, which has its own rules and characteristics. Let's look at the rules for clarifying relationships that will help you achieve what you want and not spoil your relationship with your loved one:

1. Choose the right time and a place for quarrel.

You should not quarrel with your spouse when you are in the company of friends or relatives. Why “bring quarrels out in public”? In addition, complaints to the husband about his allegedly incorrect behavior in front of his friends or relatives will be a strong blow to the man’s pride and self-esteem. You cannot quarrel in front of children or in a public place. Avoid moments when you are both very tired or upset.

2. Don't get personal. It is very important not to hurt a man’s self-esteem during a quarrel. “Oh, you’re such a bastard, you’ve ruined my whole life” is not the most appropriate negotiation tactic. A showdown should bring positive results, help partners better understand each other. Therefore, criticize not your husband’s personality, but individual actions. Say what exactly you don't like and why it makes you uncomfortable.

3. Don’t “play the silent game.” Tense silence is very annoying and does little to build constructive dialogue. Talk to your husband calmly, without shouting or blaming him. And then you can quickly make peace.

4. Know how to put up. A good quarrel should end with a quick reconciliation. For many, pride does not allow them to be the first to approach their partner and improve the relationship, so husband and wife sit in different rooms, waiting for the other to propose reconciliation. Why wait? Come up to your beloved husband, hug him tightly and tell him that despite all the disagreements, you still love him very much and he is the most important person in your life.

5. Don't use threats and blackmail. Most often, it is women who use threats as a way to achieve what they want. For example: “If you don’t do this, I will leave you,” etc. In the first years of a couple's life, threats will work, but over time the other person will understand that blackmail is nothing more than a method of manipulation. And no one wants to be an object of manipulation.

6. Don't use weak sides and my husband's fears. After several years of marriage, you know, if not everything, then a lot about your husband. Sometimes you just want to prick a man more painfully during a quarrel, using known information about his weaknesses. But this is not a fair game. The man will not only be hurt and offended, most likely he will no longer want to be intimate with such a woman. It will take you a long time to regain your husband's trust.

7. Know how to admit your mistakes. Your husband is not ideal at all. Yes and you a common person, with its human weaknesses and shortcomings. You also make mistakes, gain experience, learn and develop. Finding out the relationship is not a way to become better in your own eyes by humiliating your partner. Rather, it is a way to find mutual understanding and understand how you will live further. Learn to admit your own mistakes, then your husband’s minor “sins” will not seem so important and serious.

Family life is always associated with certain difficulties. But together you learn, develop, try to learn to understand and accept each other, despite shortcomings and habits. Respect and understanding are the keys to a happy family life. Do not forget about it.

“It’s hard for me! We need to hug to make sure we still love each other."
“It’s hard for me! You need to be alone to calm down, understand yourself and the situation.” Sound familiar?

Some, often women, quickly flare up during a quarrel and cool down just as quickly.

Others, and among them more men, try to control themselves: resentment or anger accumulates slowly and only after reaching the boiling point does it break out. It also takes time, and a lot of it, to come to your senses.

In each pair, one is more emotional and plays the role of the “approacher,” while the other is more restrained and is responsible for distancing. Sometimes the roles may change. Yes, there are hot “Italian” families, whose dramas have been watched by neighbors for years, and phlegmatic couples, but there are few of them. In any case, the rules for an effective truce work for everyone.

Calm down

It is useful to express emotions, including negative ones: hidden and driven inside anger, resentment, and pain only make things worse. Another thing is that the expression must be constructive. And sometimes, before “broadcasting” negativity, it’s better to take a walk, take a shower, punch a pillow, or do 50 squats. If the emotional background is off the charts and you know from experience that you will later regret what you said, squat down and then swear.

This material was prepared for you by the magazine team Cosmopolitan Psychology

Make conflict productive

Given the right situation, you should come to a decision that suits everyone. And this is the most important point. Otherwise, no matter how touchingly you make up, a quarrel over the same issue will soon break out again. By the way, hot “Italian” couples often fall into this trap: the fuse is gone, everyone hugs, but the problem is not solved.

Unfortunately, in addition to one-time conflicts, there are long-term and difficult-to-resolve ones - when a controversial issue arises with enviable frequency. Does your mother-in-law like to come without asking and clean things up? Is your loved one unhappy that your work involves business trips? And what about you - that he throws his clothes around? Stories like this, even if they are related to little things, are annoying, just like an untreated tooth. This means they undermine relationships, taking away positivity and warmth from them. If good option there is no solution, choose at least a satisfactory one: one that at this stage (and not just at the moment of forgiveness and reconciliation) would be acceptable to both.

Separate the problem from the person

When making complaints, do not deviate from the point and do not get personal: if we are talking about business trips, you should not blame the lack of a sense of humor or recall the intrigue of five years ago. After all, your task is to work together to find the right way out, and not to prove who is right, who is wrong, and who is throwing their clothes away.

Apologize

And accept the apology. This is not so easy to do: in a constructive apology, everyone admits blame for their contribution to the negativity. Ask for forgiveness only for specific actions that you consider wrong: “I’m sorry that I lost my temper,” “It’s my fault that I raised my voice.” And be sure to say what hurt you: “I was offended to hear that...” It’s wrong to apologize “for show” - in this case, the partner feels insincerity, and you, without understanding what’s going on, risk stepping on the same rake .

Don’t ask for forgiveness for the content of the conflict if the question really bothered you: “I’m sorry that I’m jealous of you” or “I’m sorry that I can’t love your daughter from my first marriage.” After all, this way you leave no chance for a solution.

In addition, you should not take all the blame on yourself: “Sorry, I have a disgusting character, I always ruin everything.” Both participate in the conflict, and both are responsible for it.

There is no need for an apology with the caveat: “Of course, I’m wrong, but you yourself brought me down” - thereby we remove the blame from ourselves, shift it to our partner and give rise to a new conflict.

Do not rush

If a man, or you, or both of you need to sort yourself out after a quarrel, keep quiet and calm down - this is normal. There is no need to artificially drag your loved one into a whirlpool of feelings or force yourself to smile and go to the movies - it will only get worse. You both have the right to privacy and reflection. The main thing is that this does not turn into demonstration and manipulation - when what is needed is not time, but increased attention: “No, no, everything is fine, I wasn’t offended, there’s no need to worry about who cares about my feelings.”

Love fever

Should reconciliation end with sex? Yes, if "complete" is not the same as "replace". Let's say the reason for the quarrel is trivial, and the quarrel itself can be called an outburst rather than a conflict. Then the release of accumulated tension will help you feel your partner, his love and intimacy. But provided that both of you are ready for this. If one does not yet want tactile intimacy, even simple hugs, the other can only be patient. And to make it easier, switch your attention to other things.

By the way, the phrase “I never get offended by anyone” is equally implausible. It’s normal to be offended, the main thing is to understand the reason and help yourself and your partner draw the right conclusions.

Don't push

Some people find it incredibly difficult to admit they are wrong. They generally have a difficult relationship with guilt. There may be several reasons. For example, such recognition, especially for men, is often equated with defeat and almost humiliation. Another reason is an unresolved conflict with guilt, coming from childhood: when a child considered himself “extreme” in some difficult situation: for example, in the illness of relatives (“I behaved badly, my grandmother’s heart ached”) or the divorce of parents. In this case, the topic of guilt is, in principle, very difficult, frightening and painful. If you feel that the words “I’m wrong” are difficult for your loved one, do not force them. And if you can’t say them yourself, try to express your feelings with actions. This works even better.

Oddly enough, but quarrels are different from quarrels. How to quarrel with a man correctly, advice from a psychologist will help many women not to break up with a man after a quarrel. Sometimes you blurt out something in the heat of the moment and off you go! Word for word - this is how a crack appears between two people who are not indifferent to each other, and close ones at that. How to avoid a complete quarrel and remain on good terms? Let's consider the advice of psychologists.

Why are quarrels necessary?

First, they show they care, because otherwise you wouldn’t care and wouldn’t be so eager to convince each other that you’re right. This is a kind of psychological mechanism for protecting a loved one from a rash step, the desire to help him, maintain health, etc.

How should you behave during a quarrel?

Listen to the other side. This is an incredibly valuable skill that can help you not only understand what a man wants from you, but is also ready to nullify any outburst of anger. That is, at the moment of swearing, it is important not to drown out your loved one with arguments, but to listen to his words.

Choose the appropriate time and area. Quarrels should not take place anywhere, but only in a place inaccessible to prying ears. Guests, neighbors, children, and other relatives are not required to hear your momentary indignation. Otherwise, they will form a strong opinion that you are always fighting with each other. Also, you should not start arguing in bed, during a romantic dinner, in the morning before leaving for work or school, while relaxing together, etc.

Stop in time and do not lose control of your emotions. When you begin to feel that anger is completely taking over, and your indignation is increasingly silencing your interlocutor, try to slow down. This way you will remain within reason and will not cross the point of no return. If one person stops a quarrel, the other one will stop it too. Therefore, think before you let your emotions overwhelm your personal cup of patience.

Immediately express what is on your heart. Silence is not always a good thing, especially in a situation where you are not happy with something. Report this bluntly, without waiting for grievances to accumulate in large quantities and explode from the inside. Hiding dissatisfaction is much more dangerous: it is incredibly difficult to tolerate something that causes irritation and at the same time smile at your loved one. It's late or early negative emotions will spill out. If he loves you, he will definitely understand a small portion of justified dissatisfaction!

Don't insult each other. If it so happens that the quarrel has flared up in earnest, still try to avoid sharp corners - or rather words. Otherwise, the fight will end not in reconciliation, but in a painful feeling due to rude things said in the heat of the moment. Say gentle words, warm, heartfelt. Do not descend to low insults or swearing. Respect and appreciate each other.

Ask if anything is unclear. Even your dearest, beloved and close ones cannot read your thoughts. Therefore, if you are not interested in what worries or arouses suspicion, then you will immediately doom the relationship to eternal quarrels. Have you noticed grief or sadness in the eyes of your loved one? Ask about their reason. And at the same time, try to first listen and then calmly sort out the situation with a minimum level of shouting.

Look at the problem through the eyes of your partner. Never consider yourself one hundred percent right. After all, if everything had been exactly this way, then the quarrel would not have arisen, and the man would not have tried to convince you of the opposite. Moreover, he is also confident in the correctness of his own judgments, opinions and actions. In such a situation, try to look at the circumstances through his eyes to understand a different point of view.

How should you not behave during a quarrel?

Lump everything into a heap, touching on other issues. If you are fighting over scattered dirty socks, then you don’t need to remember everything that only causes or caused rejection: night snoring, a glance thrown at a neighbor, unwashed dishes. The dispute should concern exclusively socks, not extending to other topics. Otherwise, a simple everyday quarrel, which had the opportunity to quickly end in reconciliation, will flare up into a scandal of incredible proportions with enormous resentment and eternal reproaches. Know how to reproach, staying within limits and without causing global pain to your loved one.

Leave by slamming the door. Turning around and running away into the night in an unknown direction is not a way out of a controversial situation. We must try to honestly look into each other’s eyes and dot all the “e’s”. Yes, if one of you runs away, the other is scared for his other half, but only for the first time: nervous calls to hospitals, police and morgues will not be repeated twice. Because then it becomes all the same and the intention to leave such an individual begins to loom in the distance.

Speculate-terrorize. You shouldn’t react to a remark about a poorly made bed with the ultimatum phrase “Oh, so, then we can even separate?!” Firstly, it is perceived as a hysterical scream during PMS. Secondly, it suggests that the person does not value relationships at all.

Making a scandal in front of witnesses. Random altercations in in public places at absolutely strangers(in a movie, museum, cafe) are not as scary as squabbling in front of relatives. In the first case, it simply looks like uncivilized behavior, and in the second, it is perceived at the level of blood resentment and disappointment in life. You will yell at each other and make peace, and your loved ones will come to the conclusion that you always behave this way and that there is no love between you at all.

To sort things out at night. A person who is tired during the day, half asleep, at such a moment can say anything. And the dozing man answers inappropriately and without thinking. Therefore, before going to bed there should be no nagging or scandals, because in the end it may happen that a loved one may leave and not return. And your sleeping place will be perceived by you as a battlefield, and not as a secluded corner where you can relax.

Go beyond the boundaries of humanity. Beatings, fists, bruises, swearing, assault in any form are not means for conducting marital disputes. This is not even a lack of upbringing, but a person’s psychological suppression, enslavement and lack of heartfelt affection. The times of the saying “I love you like a soul, I shake you like a pear” are long gone, so such behavior can provoke an even bigger scandal with leaving forever. Just trust each other to be truly happy! And let no illusions spoil your union, because love is built not on a thorough knowledge of all personal nuances, but on respect.

If a girl is given free rein in anger, then she can drag a man off his horse and even make him lame. Well, of course, a horse. Attacks of bad mood, troubles at work, crying baby and sleepless nights can unsettle anyone. That’s why quarrels happen in any family. Resolving disputes with knives is something everyone knows and practices, but not everyone conflicts correctly. That is, so that after a quarrel you do not bitterly regret what was said.

Rule #1: Don't hurt the male ego

Male dignity is extremely vulnerable and very impressionable. But in the rush of mutual statements, outright battles often arise in order to find out who will outdo whom in words. The desire to prove why your opponent is wrong can be such a priority in a hot moment that we literally go to the most painful places of our loved one. “But your business never worked out, you always think you’re cool, but in reality it’s zero!” and other blows below the belt become even more offensive and treacherous for a man. After all, you, in fact, are his first and often only confidant in difficult times. Keep a tight rein on yourself during a quarrel, do not humiliate, drown or use moments of male weakness as an argument - this is betrayal!

Rule #2: Don't use big words

Never, even in a fit of the most serious despair, manipulate a saint and do not juggle with emotions! “If I knew you like that, I would have thought three hundred times before marrying you!”, “If you do this one more time, we’ll get a divorce!” and other female threats, spoken in the heat of the moment, have the opposite effect on men.

He doesn’t sense that you just wanted to reach his heart. He only hears reproaches, your regret about the marriage and thoughts of divorce. There will be no correction, because you have already decided everything. Well, there’s no point in trying if you’re already having such terrible thoughts!

Rule No. 3: don't hammer

No normal man can withstand the regime of a woodpecker woman. Learn to resolve conflicts in one day and solve any problem at a time, and not live with it for weeks and, at every opportunity, remember how he was very guilty “three days ago.”

Rule No. 4: don’t make a lump out of a thousand problems

A girl's favorite idea is to make a huge snowball out of several problems. Everything usually happens on emotions and spontaneously. They begin to discuss a specific problem together, and then it suddenly dawns on the wife that this is deja vu, and her husband is not lucky in life - and a line of him begins to dangle bad traits on the notorious com. Learn to decide current problem, and not remember the old ones at every opportunity. He pasted the wallpaper askew and crookedly - which means he is only to blame for this, and not for the fact that throughout his life his hands grow from the wrong place, and therefore he cannot even be trusted with children!

Rule #5: Don't comment on a fight in an epic way.

Every time during a quarrel, it’s not at all worth emphasizing your dissatisfaction with sweeping, large-scale comments: “Oh, it would be better if I didn’t ask you for anything!”, “It’s easier to do everything normally yourself!”, “You ruin everything your hands touch! » etc.

Otherwise, soon you will definitely come to a response click in the forehead: “Don’t ask! Do it yourself! What’s the question?!”

Rule No. 6: Don’t hush up your grievances

At the same time, hushing up your grievances, hiding them until “better times” in a woman’s piggy bank of pride, is also not The best decision. Firstly, it creeps out on you and is reflected in the outside world in the form of deflection. Deflection is a barrier mechanism in which you avoid direct contact with the problem, so you lash out over trifles. For example, you start to get angry with your children because of some little thing or you withdraw into yourself. Secondly, psychosomatics is an extremely insidious thing. As long as you walk around hushing up grievances or unsaid words, this internal negativity can develop into poor health, and then even affect your health!

And finally, I would like to add a couple more golden rules for proper conflict resolution. Never go to bed without making peace! Don’t carry your nightmares into a new day and fall asleep in a bucket of tears. And most importantly, start a serious conversation only on a full man’s stomach, learn to switch a man in time in the heat of a quarrel - change the topic, hug him “at the wrong time” and discourage him. As a result of this behavior, the passion quickly fades away for both.