The man who criticized everything and everyone criticized one painting. The one next to him asked, “Have you ever created something as beautiful yourself?” The man replied: “My dear, I don’t know how to lay eggs, but I know perfectly well whether they are good or rotten!”
We are often confronted with the fact that people criticize and are criticized. Why do people criticize? What is the psychology of criticism? Is criticism helpful? How to conduct positive criticism? How does criticism affect the human psyche?
Criticism can be expressed orally, in writing or through actions. The dictionary states that criticism is the discovery and demonstration of positive and negative qualities, shortcomings and excesses, beautiful and ugly sides of a person, work or issue.
A positive or negative assessment of criticism, from the point of view of morality, depends on when, where, in relation to whom, to what extent, for what purpose and with what intentions it is carried out. If you look at this angle, then criticism can be of two types - positive, i.e. constructive, beneficial, and negative, i.e. destructive, damaging. Based on these factors, the impact of criticism can be just as different.
does the person criticize?
From the point of view of improving personal and social life, it is useful when errors are noticed and pointed out without fail with good intentions and in such a way that the person and his environment do not suffer as a result. Such positive criticism carries the idea of correcting mistakes.
Those who stubbornly hold on to negative criticism within their family or society eventually get into a state where they eventually begin to look for the bad side of everything. It often happens that this kind of criticism becomes a kind of habit.
Destructive criticism can be based on emotions and personal considerations. Rivalry and envy also constantly push a person to criticism.
In this situation, there is no good intention or purpose to fix something or solve any problem, and therefore harm is done to both parties. In short, one should not speak with the intention of "beating the vinedresser instead of eating the grapes." Although sincerity in assessments, the rejection of emotions and personal considerations in most cases prevents destructive criticism, we cannot help but encounter the latter if we do not learn to determine its place, time, dose and form.
Destructive criticism can turn into a social disease. For example, the devastating criticism of even respected individuals who have fallen victim to their emotions, sounding in the media, is surprising. Critical judgments expressed in the course of many television discussions, instead of a positive approach, aim to inflict material and moral damage on the opponent. Whatever this opponent says, a biased assessment is expressed, and then the criticism begins. This manner, which inflicts deep wounds in public life, must be changed before it infects the younger generation.
In our day, when individualism is presented as liberation in the "personal development" invented in the West, personality and selfishness have become excessively widespread. In this situation, one tries to "destroy in order not to be destroyed", to excel others in order to succeed, to criticize others in a destructive manner in order to preserve personal interests. As can be seen, selfishness and complacency increase negative criticism.
Psychology criticism
Destructive criticism lacks empathy (i.e., the ability to enter into someone else's position - ed.), they don't think too much about the opponent's psychology. People who have enough of this ability are less prone to destructive criticism.
Persons who focus their attention on negative aspects and pessimists often try to find flaws. They are impressed by the mistakes and shortcomings of everyone and everything. A conscious or unconscious pessimistic view of things in people who feel unhappy and experience some dissatisfaction for a long time, the tendency to criticize increases. They may not notice the state they are in. People around should pay attention to them and come to the rescue. For example, a pessimistic child in the course of play regards the normal treatment of his comrades as an evil intention, criticizes them and thinks that he is not loved. In such a situation, people who know him closely should pay more attention to him.
People who strive beyond measure for perfection in everything, constantly evaluate themselves and others, as if trying to get rid of any mistakes, putting them on public display. They criticize others, causing their stress to deepen. For example, a mother striving for perfection does not even agree with the four of her child, demanding only fives from him. This can cause stress in the child, reduce his academic performance. Demanding and expecting perfection can cause many good things to disappear.
Subconsciously, the critic may think: “I know better, I can do better!” Based on this thought, he finds flaws in people or events and, in accordance with this, in his own manner, proves that he knows something better than his opponent, thus becoming the cause of an increase in selfishness and narcissism. This kind of criticism can gradually become destructive.
Some criticize in order to unconsciously hide their own mistakes. Such cases are especially common within organizations. The critic believes that by criticizing others or finding their shortcomings, he strengthens his own position, hides his own mistakes. In the family, attributing mistakes at the expense of others also prevents a person from correcting his mistakes, upsets the balance between its members. People who constantly evaluate everything and everyone from a negative point of view, not only become stressed and doubt themselves, but also spread negative energy to their environment, which leads to their isolation.
Psychology of the criticized
Each spoken word is reflected on the opposite side. Reflection can be positive or negative. Before giving an assessment, it is necessary to consider why we criticize something, as well as to anticipate who and to what extent will benefit as a result of this. We must not forget that our words will not only be a message to the opponent, but also that they will influence the actions of this person in the future. It should be remembered that assessments that we have not been able to formulate positively can harm the opposite side.
Criticism leads to stress mainly on the one who is criticized, and this eventually leads to a distance of people from each other. It has been noticed that people who subject everything to destructive criticism are lonely even in the family. The people around them stop telling them anything, because they constantly meet with negative assessments. Along with criticism, resentment of the interlocutor and a feeling of alienation may arise.
If you constantly talk about the shortcomings of a person, then his self-esteem becomes negative, he feels inferior and a failure. In such a situation, his feelings of anxiety increase, and people in a state of anxiety and stress make more mistakes. Thus, a vicious circle is obtained. Criticism breeds stress, which leads to mistakes. A person who makes a lot of mistakes gets more negative ratings.
Criticism can cause both a loss of courage and an increase in the passivity of the opponent, and lead to an increase in his irritation. People who constantly hear negative words become timid out of fear of criticism. And if the criticized person becomes angry, the dialogue with him is broken.
In the presence of many positive aspects, it is inexplicable to emphasize only his mistakes and negative qualities. Ignoring the positive qualities of the criticized person causes a decrease in their number. In a garden full of beautiful flowers, paying attention to only a few weeds can lead to a decrease in the number of flowers. A constantly criticized person may feel unhappy and withdraw into himself.
How is positive criticism done?
When evaluating any issue or person, the style we choose is very important. How the other side benefits from our criticism depends to a large extent on our intentions, which should be made felt through the language we use and the approach to the subject. Our manner and style is very important. We must avoid behaving in ways that antagonize our opponents. Criticism should remain soft, then it becomes positive and constructive. In this way, we are setting the stage for the other party to "turn on their antennas" and benefit from our opinion. If our intentions and style are not accepted by the criticized, then this leads to his distance from us, and he ceases to heed our words.
If the object of our criticism, in our opinion, has flaws and negative qualities, then our criticism will be subjective. For objective criticism, it is necessary to make an assessment in accordance with criteria and standards. Here we can give such an example: if at the beginning of your speech you use the expressions “in my opinion”, “it seems to me”, “I believe”, then the opposite side can accept the remarks with hostility. However, if instead one proceeds to remark with the words "in accordance with such and such a study", "in accordance with the opinion of some authorities", basing their standards on objective sources, then this can become the basis for positive results.
It is considered positive to criticize our bosses or people who share their knowledge and experience with us, because their expression of their views provides benefits and positive results for the opposite side. Thanks to such criticism, many improve themselves and try to free themselves from their shortcomings. The presence of such an assessment is even necessary from the point of view of upbringing and education.
Even if our criticism is aimed at correcting our opponent's mistakes, this can lead to the opposite result - that this mistake will take root. Instead of saying what a person is wrong about, we should say how he should be. If our opponent is accustomed to being pointed out to his mistakes, then it would be wrong to constantly repeat such criticism. Constantly drawing attention to mistakes can lead to their perpetuation. Instead, it will be more useful to highlight its positive aspects, and only point out its shortcomings.
In relationships with children, it is important to emphasize their positive qualities. For example, you asked a question in class. One of the students answered, but incorrectly. In this situation, we must, without pointing out the mistake, reassure the child, showing the positive aspects of his answer, the grains of knowledge contained in his answer, and only then say that the answer is wrong. Then the student will not be offended and will not lose courage to answer the next question.
Those who work in a team should avoid criticizing their colleagues. A criticizing person opens the door for reciprocal criticism, becomes the cause of the growth of slander and slander, as a result of which damage is done to the spirit of collectivism. People begin to constantly see the mistakes of each other, the relationship of brotherhood and commonwealth is violated.
We must proceed from the following: “Criticism of everything, objection to everything is a blow aimed at destruction. If a person does not like something, he should try to create the best. The result of destruction is ruins, and the result of creation is cities.
Is criticism helpful?
Positive criticism is beneficial, while destructive criticism is harmful. Criticism is useful in order to prevent the persistence of erroneous actions and their growth. A person has a need to look at himself in a mirror. Positive criticism plays the role of a mirror in which we see ourselves, our mistakes and correct them. Appropriate criticism is necessary for the proper flow of the process in places where people work in a team, but destructive criticism in such places causes serious problems. Instead, give positive criticism.
Most of us don't like it very much when our mistakes are pointed out. Pointing them out in appropriate terms and agreeing with such criticisms is essential for personal improvement.
In the field of education and upbringing, positive criticism not only supports them, but also ensures that they contribute to the development of science.
Let's be partners with our bosses, our subordinates, and our families. Our daily life should be dominated by positive views. We see that people who look at the environment from this point of view succeed and enjoy great love from others.
Conclusion
If those who criticize everything do not treat themselves with the utmost severity, this prevents them from correcting their own mistakes. Those who constantly criticize others should be just as sensitive to their own mistakes.
The habit of criticizing can open the way for gossip and slander. Therefore, a person who starts criticism can, after a while, become the object of gossip and slander.
Constructiveness and approval of positive aspects have always been encouraged. “He who sees beauty thinks beautifully, and he who thinks beautifully enjoys life.” This expression should be our benchmark. If we proceed from this in our view of life, then we will not offend anyone and we will act constructively.
Although it is known that it is easier to spoil than to correct, it is noted that the destructive manner of criticism is widespread in our society. It is difficult to act positively in an environment where the negative criticism of opponents provides a person with advantages, and it is easy to find people who applaud this. In order to speak in this way, taking into account the state of mind of the opponent, before starting criticism, it is necessary to carefully weigh the pros and cons.
Dr. H. Aydinly, "New Facets"
Critic at the zoo: looked at the giraffe, said: "As usual, too stretched and not typical."
Often we can observe how people criticize or, on the contrary, become the object of criticism themselves. So where does the need to criticize come from? Is there any use in criticism? What is positive criticism? What is the impact of criticism on the psyche?
There are several ways to express criticism: verbally, in writing, and finally through actions. Criticism is defined as the identification and demonstration of various shortcomings, positive and negative aspects of a person or object. From a moral point of view, criticism can be positive or negative. Given these factors, the impact of criticism will also be different.
What makes a person criticize?
Criticism can be useful and contribute to the development and improvement of both personal and social life, in the case when mistakes are pointed out with good intentions. Such criticism can be classified as positive, it aims to correct mistakes.
People who prefer negative criticism, after a while acquire the habit of seeing only negative qualities in everything. Negative criticism can be based on personal interests, emotions, envy and rivalry. In such cases, there is no good intention and desire to correct the error or solve the problem. Both sides get only harm from such criticism. A sincere desire to help, an unbiased assessment and the absence of personal considerations often relieve destructive criticism, but one should feel subtly when criticism is appropriate and in what form it should be presented.
In today's world, we can see how many respected individuals are subjected to damaging criticism on television, in print and on radio. In the course of various discussions, one can hear a lot of critical remarks about the opponent, pursuing one single goal - to inflict moral and material harm. Such tactics cause irreparable damage to public life and must be eradicated.
In the manner of Western society, we develop individualism with excessive selfishness. In such a society, people try to humiliate others in order not to be humiliated themselves. By subjecting others to destructive criticism, people try to protect their interests in order to succeed. As a result, complacency and selfishness flourishes, increasing negative criticism.
Destructive criticism is characterized by a lack of empathy and sympathy for the opponent. A person with the ability to understand and sympathize is less prone to the manifestation of destructive criticism.
People who tend to notice negative qualities and are pessimists are more inclined to look for flaws in everyone and everything. The tendency to criticize also increases in people who feel unhappy and unsatisfied, while they themselves may not notice their condition. These people need help from others.
For example, during the game, a child with a pessimistic attitude may perceive any statement of his comrades addressed to him as an attempt to offend him. To protect himself, he will criticize them and decide that he is not loved. People close to him should show attention and care in this case.
It has been noticed that people who try too hard to achieve perfection in everything are also inclined to evaluate everyone. Wishing to eliminate all mistakes, they bring them to the judgment of others and thereby aggravate the stressful state of the object of their criticism. For example, parents striving for excellence may require their child to study only for A's. With a high degree of probability, the child will not be able to justify such expectations, which can cause him stress and prevent him from revealing his best qualities.
On a subconscious level, the critic believes: “My knowledge and skills are much better!”. Based on this thought, he looks for flaws in people or events. Finding flaws, such a person, as it were, proves that he knows and can do much more than his opponent. Such criticism gradually leads to the growth of narcissism and selfishness, and acquires a destructive force.
It happens that they resort to criticism to hide their mistakes. Similar situations can often be found in organizations. The critic thinks that if he finds flaws in the work of others, he will strengthen his authority while at the same time hiding his mistakes. If such tactics are used in a family, it can lead to quarrels between its members. A person who evaluates everyone and everything from a negative point of view often experiences doubts and is stressed. Spreading negative energy on others, such a person eventually finds himself in isolation.
How does the criticized feel?
Before giving an assessment, it should be understood that all spoken words will be reflected from the criticized and this reflection can be both positive and negative. Think about the impact that criticism will have on a person and his actions in the future, what benefits and for whom your criticism brings. Keep in mind that if you fail to formulate an assessment with a positive attitude, criticism can harm your opponent.
Basically, criticism puts the criticized into a state of stress, and this can subsequently lead to a deterioration in relations between people. It is noted that a person who subjects everything to destructive criticism feels lonely even in the family. Surrounding shun such people as they always receive negative assessments.
Along with criticism, the interlocutor sometimes has a feeling of rejection. A person who constantly listens to criticism in his address feels like a loser and his self-esteem becomes low. In such conditions, his anxiety grows and, being in a state of constant stress, he makes more and more mistakes. In turn, a person who often makes mistakes receives more negative criticism.
Criticism can lead a person to a loss of activity and courage, or to an increase in irritation. A person receiving negative assessments every day becomes timid, but if the criticized one shows anger, further dialogue with him becomes impossible.
Despite the presence of worthy qualities, for unknown reasons, attention is focused only on his mistakes and mistakes. When the strengths of the criticized are constantly ignored, their number decreases over time, because if the gardener begins to pay attention only to weeds, then the garden will soon run wild. A person constantly criticized feels unhappy and can withdraw into himself.
What is positive criticism?
When appreciating a person or any object, special attention should be paid to the tone with which we do it. Whether or not an opponent will benefit from our criticism depends to a large extent on the critic's intentions, which are easy to understand through the words used and the style of presentation of the assessment.
Avoid harsh expressions that can provoke the interlocutor, try to point out mistakes as softly as possible and your criticism will be positive and constructive. In this way, we can position the opponent so that he will get the maximum benefit from our opinion. Otherwise, we run the risk of pushing the criticized away from us and he will simply become immune to our arguments.
If, when criticizing, we proceed from the fact that the object is not good enough and has flaws, we will get subjective criticism. If our criticism is based on generally accepted standards and criteria, we can achieve objective criticism. For example, if you build a speech using the phrases “I believe”, “I think”, “my opinion”, then it is highly likely that the criticized will remain deaf to our comments. In order to be heard, we should build our speech using the words “recent research has shown”, “opinion of leading experts in this field”, etc. In other words, try to substantiate your comments and standards in your speech using objective sources.
Criticism will be positive if colleagues share their experience and knowledge with us, or our leader expresses his opinion on some issue, since the criticized person in this case is able to derive some benefit by achieving better results. Many people, listening to such criticism, are freed from their shortcomings and become better. In education and upbringing, such criticism is sometimes even necessary.
Despite the fact that our criticism is aimed at correcting shortcomings, we can get the opposite effect. Instead of correcting, errors can, on the contrary, take root even deeper. Try to avoid saying who is right, instead focus on how the person should be. It would be wrong if you constantly repeat to the opponent about his shortcomings, this can lead to addiction and rooting of these shortcomings. Change tactics and remember the strengths of the person, and only mention the shortcomings in passing.
It is especially important to talk about positive qualities in communicating with children. If you entrusted the child with the performance of any task, and he made a mistake, then you should first point out the positive qualities shown and only after that talk about the mistakes. With this approach, we will be able to maintain a warm relationship and maintain his self-confidence.
Criticism of your co-workers should be avoided, as you risk getting criticism in return. In addition, you can cause the spread of slander and unfriendly relations in the team. As a result, an atmosphere may develop where everyone will begin to notice only each other's mistakes. In such a team, relationships and mutual understanding will be violated, and the lack of mutual assistance and support will make work difficult.
It is necessary to understand the following: “If you criticize everything and object to everything, then you are working for destruction. Instead, if you don't like something, you should think about how to make it better. As a result of destructive criticism, we can only get ruins. Creation is necessary to build a city.”
What is the use of criticism?
Constructive criticism is useful, while destructive criticism can only bring harm. Positive criticism contributes to the elimination of mistakes and avoids their repetition. If criticism takes a creative form, then it plays the role of a mirror in which we can observe ourselves and our mistakes, so as not to repeat them later. Constructive criticism is sometimes necessary in a team, destructive criticism, on the contrary, can become a source of big problems.
Most people don't like it when they point out their mistakes. But if you look at it from the side of personal growth, then the acceptance of constructive criticism is necessary. Naturally, an appropriate manner of presentation should be used in this case. In the field of education and upbringing, constructive criticism contributes to the development of science and the formation of personality.
In order to achieve success in life, you need to maintain a positive outlook on the environment. We need to become partners both for our leaders and for our subordinates. This attitude will help you succeed and gain the respect and love of others.
Summarizing
If the critic is not demanding enough of himself, this can become a serious obstacle to his growth and prevent him from correcting his own mistakes.
A person who has a habit of criticizing must take into account the fact that he can become the object of gossip and slander on the part of the team.
People who see beauty think positively and enjoy life itself. When we are able to see the positive side and think positively, we will not offend anyone and our actions will be constructive.
It has long been known that it is easier to break than to build, but despite this, the destructive style of criticism has found its place in society. It is not easy to act positively in a society where there are people who favor negative criticism, which undoubtedly gives the opponent some advantage. If you decide to resort to criticism, carefully consider whether the game is worth the candle.
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Psychologist Marina Morozova
The main motive for criticism- of course,
good intentions.
With the help of criticism, the critic wants to change a person and
his behavior for the better. This is especially bright
manifested in the relationship between men and women and
parents and children.
In this case, a person criticizes on business, but not everyone
does it tactfully and constructively.
People criticize like thisas they were taught, perhaps abruptly and
embarrassing becausethey don't know how to criticize otherwise.
But there are still unconscious motives and reasons for criticism.
CRITICISM IS A WAY TO GET WHAT YOU WANT
A very common, often unconscious motive.
A person does not want you to become better, and you feel better from this, but wants him to be more convenient, easier, and more comfortable with you.
Mom criticizes her son for being sloppy, not because she wants him to grow up as a neat person, but because she wants the house to be cleaner. And he scolds his daughter for being late, so as not to blush for her in front of the teachers.
The girl criticizes the guy so that he comes on dates on time, the wife criticizes her husband so that he calls when he is late.
This is the strange way people try to express their desires.
No wonder they don't get what they want.
CRITICISM IS A MANIFESTATION OF DEPRESSION
Criticism can be a manifestation of depression. With depression, a person perceives the world in black and gray colors, is dissatisfied with everything, nothing pleases him, and he voices his condition in critical remarks: something is wrong here, and something is wrong there.
In this case, it is necessary to get out of depression, and this can be done in personal consultations and with the help of constellations.
REASON FOR CRITICISM - LOW SELF-ESTIMATION
Critics always have low self-esteem.
And often the desire to criticize arises when our self-esteem decreases.
After all, criticizing another person is a way to raise your self-esteem, to feel good against the background of another - bad.
This is a way to rise, to assert oneself at the expense of "someone else's", "to warm up one's pride".
Of course, you can increase your self-esteem by doing cultivation, by using special techniques in trainings or consultations, or by achieving real success in life. But ... "lowering the other" is much easier and faster than working on yourself. Unfortunately, this is very often manifested in the relationship of a man and a woman.
“EXCELLENT SYNDROME IS ANOTHER REASON FOR CRITICISM
Often we criticize others for not being like us, for not being able to do everything as perfectly and perfectly as we do.
This is typical of people with an excellent student syndrome, who make excessive demands on themselves and others and believe that no one and nothing can do better than them.
But other people do not have to be like you, they can do something worse than you, and something better. They are different. You measure them yourself.
"SYNDROME" ALWAYS RIGHT "
People with this syndrome believe that there is only one correct opinion on any issue - their own. They are not able to listen and respect someone else's opinion if it is different from their opinion.
By criticizing and condemning other people's principles, values and opinions, a person tries to rise and prove his case. This is based on pride.
It is important for such people to understand that each person is unique and does not have to be like you, think and feel the same way as you. This is a different person, he has his own opinion, his own life story, his own taste.
He can dress differently, eat differently, lead a different lifestyle, and he has his own truth.
And you have no right to impose your opinions, principles and beliefs on others and condemn them for what they think differently. Let other people live and think the way they want.
PROJECTION
Often we see and condemn in people what we do not want to notice in ourselves.
This psychic defense mechanism is called projection. That is, we have some qualities that are unpleasant to us, but we don’t see them in ourselves or don’t want to see them, but in other people they immediately catch our eye and annoy us greatly.
If some unpleasant qualities do not irritate us in others, then we accept them in them, which means that we accept them in ourselves. But what “an eyesore to us” definitely exists in our country.
For example, if you allow yourself to sleep until dinner on your day off, then you are also calm about other people lying in bed until dinner.
If you scold yourself for sleeping until dinner, then you will scold others too..
If something annoys you in other people, it is quite possible
that you have it too.
And before you judge another, think about whether you have this quality.
Another REASON - ENVY
You may criticize others for the qualities they
you don’t, because you don’t allow yourself to be like that, but
you would like this, oh how you would like it.
For example, you criticize people for what they
are lazy, do not want to work or work poorly, but they themselves
you are at work - an enthusiast, trying to do everything on
Great. Though deep down you'd like to
relax and let everything take its course, you want
relax, be lazy, but you do not allow yourself to do this.
Therefore, other, more relaxed people who can
and those who want to rest seem to you terry lazy people.
And this may not be true, just a person can organize his time differently.
It is possible that you criticize a person because he managed to achieve what you wanted to achieve, but for some reason did not achieve.
And envy speaks in you, which you do not recognize in yourself and do not realize.
You criticize others for doing something and don't realize that you are judging yourself for not doing it or not doing it.
Let's say someone is constantly traveling (“they ride back and forth back and forth”), or opens their own fifth store (“and why do they need so much money,cursed traders"), or give birth to a third child ("well, they have had children"), or meets with one or another lover ("walking, prostitute, sorts out men"), or gets married at 50 ("and why is it do you have to go to the registry office at 50?”).
So, grandmothers criticize girls who freely meet different guys, wear short skirts. Perhaps these grandmothers would like to do the same, but ... they can no longer afford it. Maybe they did not allow themselves this even in their youth, and now they regret the missed chances.
REASON FOR CRITICISM - shifting responsibility to others.
Another reason for criticism also lives in you. You can criticize and blame others for your own failures, because it is very difficult to take responsibility for the fact that you did not do something, could not, did not work out. And so you gladly shift responsibility and blame onto others.
Didn't make a career? Didn't create a business? Because of children, you won’t make a career with such children (for example, they get sick a lot, study poorly, don’t help around the house, don’t do their homework, etc.). Or the husband is to blame. Or our country is like that.
A person can quite reasonably explain to himself the reasons for his failures, criticizing others in this (this mechanism of mental protection is called rationalization).
DISSATISFACTION WITH LIFE
Dissatisfaction and general dissatisfaction with life, disappointment in oneself and life can also cause criticality. A person criticizes himself, but does not forget about others. After all, against the background of others, he can look quite successful in his own eyes. So he asserts himself and raises his self-esteem at the expense of others.
PSYCHOENERGOVAMPIRISM
When, with a breakdown, fatigue or illness, a person begins to criticize others, then, oddly enough, he gets better: energy comes from nowhere.
In this case, a person touches the painful strings of other people in order to provoke them to emotions and get an emotional charge from them. The more emotionally reacted by others, the better for him.
DEMONSTRATE YOURSELF GOOD
A person criticizes another in front of someone or a group of people in order to show his knowledge, skills, erudition.
REVENGE
A person takes revenge for past grievances, but cannot say it directly or is not aware of it. And therefore looking for other reasons to find fault.
DRAINING THE NEGATIVE
For some reason, a person feels bad, hard, and he pours negativity on others. So he relieves stress, and it becomes easier for him. Unfortunately, in a family, in relations between a man and a woman, this is the main way to relieve tension.
FORWARDING AGGRESSION
When a person does not have the opportunity to express his anger to the addressee, for example, mother, mother-in-law or boss, then he breaks down on other, weaker and lower in status people (subordinates, children).
FEAR
Criticism often hides fear. The role of critics is often played by those who themselves are afraid of criticism. As you know, the best defense is an attack, why wait until they start criticizing you?
Now analyze the entire list of reasons and find your own reasons why you criticize people. Also think about why this or that person criticizes you.
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We deal with opinions of others every day. But criticism from strangers and from a loved one are radically different things.
What does male criticism say? What to do with it? And is it necessary?
Eat 7 important points, which you need to pay attention to if you get under fire. Let's figure out what male criticism is hiding and how to respond to it.
You are a victim for life
One of the most common reasons for male criticism is your position as a victim. Are you acting out a parental scenario or choosing to be a victim yourself. It's so convenient.
You relieve yourself of all responsibility, you do not need to change anything. But the position of the victim attracts tyrants, men who are powerful and despotic.
It is very convenient to be a victim when you do not develop and cannot keep your men. So hard to be, huh?
Constant criticism from a man is the first sign that you are playing the role of a victim.
Another thing - if you "like". One of the options for self-flagellation. A man criticizes you, you get a kind of punishment for guilt in the past. And internally you put a tick next to the item "Atone for guilt" / "Punish yourself."
What to do in this case? Change yourself! Get out of the role of the victim. The sooner, the better.
This is just the case in which you can’t just leave a man or try to influence him. First of all, work for yourself.
A potentially normal man will change with your condition. You will notice it yourself. If you fell into the clutches - decide for yourself to leave or stay.
Constructive…
For example, your man in his hearts told you that the new gold mini with sequins and ruffles does not suit you, and offered to buy a new one.
You pouted, got upset and threw a tantrum. And he wanted the best. And the wording, you see, was correct?
Correct your way of thinking, otherwise your relationship will soon come to a justified ending.
What distinguishes constructive criticism from inadequate? There is no evaluative and accusatory judgment, claim. She offers options for solving the problem, rather than looking for someone to blame.
It makes no sense to be offended by such criticism. It won't do you anything but good.
Learn to see the difference. This will help you in life.
... or destructive?
The reasons for such criticism can be hidden not only in your relationship, but also in his internal state. You could hurt him or insult him with something. And he was hurt and he can not forgive. Even if he tries hard.
It is very easy to notice and understand if he criticizes:
- on trifles;
- for no real reason;
- he is constantly dissatisfied, with everything;
- shifts focus from one problem to another;
- criticizes your appearance in a way that really hurts.
And there is no point in asking the questions “What is wrong with me?”. The whole point of being critical is to hurt your self-esteem and instill doubt in you.
If that doesn't work, he may not be interested in a harmonious relationship. There are also cases when a man criticizes, feeling himself.
Incoming forwarding
Redirecting incoming aggression is one of the most common reasons for criticism. Not only among men.
Work conflicts, family squabbles and a bunch of other things can cause emotional stress in him.
A man also needs to express emotions, let off steam. And you seem to be always there and you can understand.
Therefore, a storm often falls on you, and aggression does not reach the culprit.
So you get the role of a punching bag. If you understand that criticism and claims are absolutely unfair, gently ask how he is doing. Find out what makes him angry, why he behaves this way.
When you talk about your feelings and sensations, you open your heart to him.
This man cannot resist. You are literally in yourself!
For example, like this: “Honey, I have a feeling that you are actually angry about something else. Tell me what happened."
This is how you can so that he really understands it.
Speaking about your feelings, you let the man know that you don’t take his criticism with hostility. That you are open to dialogue.
The nuances of education
A very significant reason. If it was customary in his family to communicate at the level of criticism and claims with or without cause, he will adhere to the same strategy in relationships. He dropped a cup - a muddler, he came with a deuce - a fool, the girl refused - "not a man."
Most often, in such families, any achievements, positive qualities and deeds are not praised. They are simply not noticed, taken for granted or reduced to “luck”.
All this becomes fuel for everyday nit-picking. There are two news: bad and good.
I'll start with the bad: it's impossible to change a man at the snap of a finger. There is only a chance if he himself is aware of the problem and wants to solve it. I’ll tell you a secret: it’s extremely difficult to change men in general, and I strongly don’t recommend doing this.
So if you are at the stage of choosing a partner and you no longer like that he criticizes you, “hooks”, finds fault - end this relationship.
No offense. He doesn't do it on purpose, he just doesn't know how.
The good news is that if a man works on himself, and you keep up and change as a woman, his bad habit can be eradicated.
self-affirmation
People with an inferiority complex are prone to constant criticism. So they increase their own importance at the expense of others.
And if earlier your man was not so critical, but now “with or without reason” is a matter of self-esteem.
It could have happened for a lot of different reasons: bad luck in bed last Saturday, an unpleasant conversation with his boss last week, or just a cockroach in his head.
Drawing energy from someone else's pride is many times easier than returning your own to normal.
How to behave in such a case? Show that you believe in him. Praise and thank, feed his masculinity and admire.
And you don't have to do it just once. But constantly and gracefully, in a feminine way, with emotion and motivation.
And even if it seems to you that there is nothing to praise for. Look at the little things. Motivate him to act in such a way that there is a reason for praise. I have said more than once that your femininity is the best fuel for his masculinity.
A bouquet of flowers, a compliment, a gift… Use them as a reason to say thank you. Thank the man in detail and with delight.
If you yourself do not know how to do this and think that he should deserve praise and gratitude, the problem is with you, dear.
false mirror
Are you annoyed by your friend's way of speaking or her habit of wearing short skirts? You don't like dishonest people? Stingy men?
I'll tell you a secret - in others we are annoyed by what we most dislike in ourselves. What we hide in the very depths.
So your man can criticize you for being overweight, although he himself sins with a dozen extra pounds.
Or he compares you with others in the style of "here is Tolik's wife ...", but does not remember that Tolik provides his woman with everything to make her happy.
To deal with this problem, you definitely should not scream and throw tantrums. To begin with, think about whether you are giving him the opportunity to manifest himself as a man. Are you a woman who destroys or creates?
If the second, gently, confidently and calmly explain to him that criticism in this form is not acceptable. Choose your words carefully.
Talk about your boundaries or you also need to be able to.
Don't shut up
The main thing you need to remember is that any unrealized emotion turns into a disease. You must have heard of psychosomatics. Moreover, hushing up your grievances is a sure way to destroy relationships.
You yourself know how exhausting the constant nervous tension, misunderstanding, innuendo and other negative things are.
A self-sufficient woman always distinguishes constructive criticism, turns it in her favor. And builds on this communication with her man.
Harmonious relationships are the work and development of both in a pair. This is the case when they give 100 in total. And your efforts in this exactly half. Do not forget.
On what occasion have you ever been criticized by men and did it hook your ego? Tell me in the comments.
With faith in you
Yaroslav Samoilov.
Quite often we express our critical opinion about other people, and also receive a portion of criticism ourselves. A significant part of these remarks is said "behind the back", but the rest has to be faced face to face. The boundaries of criticism range from light "tingling" (critical remarks) to harsh criticism-orders. Are there people who like criticism? Probably not. However, some people know how to perceive it correctly, while others do not.
Criticism: good and different
Let's start with the fact that criticism is different - constructive and non-constructive. A very important skill in the life of any person is the ability to distinguish between these two types of criticism. The matter is complicated by the fact that criticism, in fact, can be not of two, but of four types:
- constructive both in form and content;
- constructive in content, but non-constructive in form;
- constructive in form, but non-constructive in content;
- unconstructive both in form and content.
Example: the wife-housewife did not have time to prepare dinner for the arrival of her husband and asked him to wait half an hour. The husband is very hungry, besides, he warned his wife about the time of his arrival in advance. How can his criticism sound?
"I'm upset that you didn't cook dinner, even though you knew in advance when I would come. I'm very hungry. I ask you to better timing next time." This criticism is constructive both in form and in content. The wife is likely to react calmly and consider criticism for the future. The evening will end in a warm atmosphere.
"I think you need to rethink your ability to plan your day. Until you can handle it." This criticism is polite and constructive, but only in form; its content is incorrect, because there is an incorrect generalization. Perhaps the wife’s whole day was well planned: she managed to take the child to school, go to the market for groceries, put things in order at home, pick up the child from school and take him to extracurricular activities, bring him home, feed him. She'd had an objectively busy day, and her late dinner wasn't the result of bad planning. Most likely, a woman will react precisely to the form (aggression, uncertain excuses or offended silence). She will consider herself undeservedly offended. However, if the husband is used to criticizing in a constructive way, then perhaps the wife is also used to responding constructively. It is possible that the conflict will be resolved if the husband admits that he was wrong and reformulates the phrase.
"Why isn't dinner ready?! As always, there's nothing to eat! Why do I have to wait when I come home hungry after a day's work?!" This criticism is generally correct in content but incorrect in form. Most likely, the wife will justify herself, and if the flow of criticism does not stop, then either defensive aggression will “turn on”, or she will be offendedly silent, putting a plate of food in front of him in half an hour. Perhaps she will draw conclusions for herself for the future, because. there is a rational grain in criticism, but her mood will be spoiled. Despite the fact that the husband was right in the essence of the message, she will feel hurt. The evening (perhaps more than one) will be ruined. With the frequent repetition of such a situation, mutual understanding in the family is called into question.
"Clumsy! I got a bad mistress!" This phrase is unconstructive both in content and in form. Firstly, the husband does not condemn the act of his wife, but gives a negative assessment of her personality, and besides, in a rude way. Secondly, such "criticism" is not useful, it does not help to overcome shortcomings in a person's actions, but only causes a response surge of negativity. In general, this is the worst kind of criticism, literally "corroding", like rust, any relationship.
Thus, completely constructive criticism "works" best of all, i.e. true in content and expressed correctly and respectfully. Such criticism is necessary for each of us, as it reflects, as in a mirror, our shortcomings, shortcomings, mistakes. And precisely because she speaks correctly, we get a chance to correct these mistakes. Of course, such criticism can be unpleasant, but it is she who has the most chances to be heard and accepted.
The remaining varieties of criticism evoke mostly negative emotions, leading to defensive reactions, either self-justification, or repelling "attacks," or silent self-criticism. This path can lead to the destruction of relations or to the forced preservation of a “good face in a bad game”, when the criticized is so strongly dependent on the critic that he cannot break off relations and decides to endure (“I live with him and suffer, but where will I go with two children?", "The boss is bad, but the salary is good"). This is the path of dissatisfaction, leading to emotional outbursts.
Who criticizes us and why?
As we found out, criticism is often non-constructive, and therefore we are used to internally defending ourselves from it. What are the main motives of the critics?
They want to assert themselves by lowering us. There are people who tend to criticize anything and everything. Any action of others (be it a relative, girlfriend, colleague or unfamiliar person) they initially evaluate from the point of view of why it is erroneous. And often immediately give out this information to the addressee. These people seem to be confident know-it-alls, but in fact they have unstable low self-esteem. They support her by criticizing others. They found someone else's "mistake", and this creates the illusion that they themselves are smarter and more sinless. Their criticism is not constructive: often they immediately say that "something" is bad, but they cannot give clear explanations why this is so. The external goal may be good - to help a person understand his mistake, but in fact, the internal goal is much more important - raising self-esteem. Therefore, such people are almost impossible to please, no matter how much you act according to their advice.
We are envious. A popular reason for unconstructive criticism. What is envy? A person realizes that he lacks something (knowledge, qualities, achievements, material objects, etc.), and tries to devalue this fact for himself, disguisedly criticizing what he envy: "This dress suits you very much, it is beautiful hides the flaws of your figure! This criticism can also be hidden behind a mask of deanery, but only the critic himself needs it in order to feel the establishment of some balance: yes, let her have something that I don’t have, but I told her that!
They want to spoil the mood, because dislike. If relations with someone do not add up, if there is a constant background of discontent, then there is ground for constant pricks of criticism. This can happen between the daughter-in-law and, colleagues, "sworn" friends. A person who feels dislike for another will look for the smallest reason for criticism. Sometimes it will be veiled ("What delicious pancakes! It's okay that you spent half a bottle of oil"), sometimes direct ("What kind of hostess are you, even if you don't know how to wash the dishes!"). This criticism shows a general attitude towards a person, and no matter how much you listen to it, the critic will still find something to complain about.
They try to vent their negative emotions. Everyone knows about this method, and each of us is either a victim or a provocateur of this. If a person has trouble at work, then, most likely, his relatives will serve as a "lightning rod". Arriving home in a bad mood, he finds a couple of criticisms for others: a child watching a cartoon (“You don’t do anything useful, lazy!”), his wife (“You don’t know how to cook anything yourself, dumplings again!”) And other family members. This "criticism", unfortunately, is a well-established form of behavior in many families. However, if you suspect that the cause of anger is not at all in your actions, you can safely ask: "Did something happen to you? Tell me, and we will think it over together." Perhaps this will change the situation. But if the person continues to attack, just distance yourself from him. A normal conversation will not work, and the situation can be worsened by mutual accusations.
They want to achieve their own selfish goal. For example, two friends in the store liked the same thing. One begins to criticize the other (“You don’t suit the color, style, figure is not for this blouse”), and then buys it for herself. Or one of the employees found out that a vacancy for a higher position was opened in the department and began to criticize potential competitors in advance in the hope of getting this position.
And finally, they wish us well. Sometimes close people, friends, colleagues tell us something impartial, but true. It is possible that we made some mistake or did not do what we should have done. Inwardly, we ourselves experienced remorse, and the words of others in this case show us that other people also agree with our conscience. Of course, for some time our feelings intensify, we even try to look for excuses for ourselves, but the inner voice tells us: "You understand that you were wrong. Do not try to deceive yourself." If the surrounding people remain silent, fearing to offend, the person will not only not endure a useful experience, but will also consolidate the erroneous behavior, thinking that there is “nothing wrong” in it, since the environment was silent. Constructive criticism does not need to be defended, it needs to be recognized and processed, and if the spirit is strong, then thank the one who criticized.
All these motifs can be combined in different proportions. Sometimes there is some truth in the words, but well “flavored” with either a negative attitude, or envy, or a desire to assert oneself, or “ride” at our expense. In every situation where criticism hurts you, you need to learn to look "for" it, revealing the motives pursued by the critic. This will help you respond appropriately.
You are criticized: how to react?
The tactics we use when we hear criticism can be very different. Moreover, for the same person, it varies, depending on the situation and who exactly criticizes him. And yet, each of us has one or more favorite reactions, which largely determine the style of our relations with others. How else, if criticism is a significant part of communication?
There are five main types of reaction to criticism.
"Justification". Perhaps the most common type, nurtured from childhood. This is the reaction that adults expect from a child, and many children successfully learn: if you make a guilty look and cry, the adult will fall behind. They demonstrate the same strategy, having matured - they begin to make excuses. They want to "enter into their position", "show understanding", in the end, take pity on them. They speak in such a pleading and hesitant tone that their words can not be called rational explanations. Well, often it is this reaction that satisfies the critic. He sees "sincere" repentance and decides that the goal has been achieved. However, this tactic bears rather negative results: a person, having begun to make excuses, continues to internally experience this situation, looking for new excuses, but already in a dialogue with himself. It takes away strength and energy that could have been spent on useful activities. A person's mood decreases, and he feels insecure, unable to defend his position.
"Aggression". The next most popular type. Such people react too aggressively, starting to blame in response. We can also see this reaction in preschoolers who answer: "He's like that!" The response is often harsh, sometimes offensive. There can be no talk of any constructive dialogue, because the defender turns on a powerful defense mechanism through an attack. If a person uses this method often, then the glory of an unbalanced and not too smart one, unable to accept a word of criticism, is assigned to him. A social "vacuum" can form around him, because. any communication is impossible without a share of criticism. Those around him will be afraid to say anything "sharp" to him, and even constructive criticism (and it is one of the foundations) will no longer reach his ears.
"Negation". This type of reaction is very interesting and also "grows" from childhood. In order to block accusations, a person may deny that he is the culprit of what happened. We all resort to this method from time to time, especially in situations where the opponent cannot be sure of our guilt. Is the copier broken? What do I have to do with it? Many people use it! Or: "it's not me who removed your disks, probably you removed it yourself and forgot!" An interesting situation develops when the critic brings evidence of guilt. In this case, either the reaction of justification or aggression is used. However, there are people who use denial, despite the fact that their guilt is obvious. This causes bewilderment of others, and the label of "eccentrics" is attached to the deniers.
How to resist criticism?
Sometimes we are criticized by minor (and other "-power") people, in relation to whom it is quite possible to apply alternative tactics that do not lead to a solution to the problem, but "put" in place. The main tactics are:
- You calmly and reasonably say whether you think the criticism is justified. If yes (albeit in a separate part), then admit it out loud, if not, then give calm, confident arguments why this is so and not otherwise. Further discussion try to lead in a constructive way. If the conversation takes the form of a fight, offer to continue later when you both have calmed down.
- Be silent trying to fill the silence with a mood of confidence, strength and bewilderment that devalues criticism. A silent pause at first will be your assistant: during it, you can pacify emotions and consider criticism.
- Answer with a joke, irony, a paradoxical phrase, which will be unexpected for the critic.
- Move the conversation to another topic showing that criticism is not that important to you.
- Postponing the conversation for later to take the necessary "time out" for reflection. Sometimes you can say directly: "I need time to think about what you said, and we will return to this conversation later," and sometimes you can simply refer to "urgent" matters to get time.
"Silence". This reaction consists in the fact that a person, having heard criticism addressed to him, is silent or leaves. Most often this means resentment and refusal to communicate. If such a reaction is the most frequently used, then this leads to an accumulation of misunderstanding, because issues remain unspoken. Also, such people let criticism inside themselves, not releasing it back. This can lead to chronic diseases (hypertension, diseases of the gastrointestinal tract, vegetovascular dystonia). Silence, along with inner feelings, is one of the worst ways to react to criticism, literally "corroding" a person from the inside.
"Analysis". This is the most correct way to respond to criticism. In this case, a person is able to overcome negative response emotions, understand whether criticism is constructive or destructive, and respond to it correctly. Such a reaction helps a person to take the "rational grain" out of criticism and promotes personal growth.
If a calm analysis of criticism is the best way, then does this mean that all others are completely unsuitable and must be overcome? Of course not. They just have to stop being habitual and apply in appropriate situations.
Learning to respond to criticism correctly
The first ingredient in your reaction when you hear criticism is emotional. You may feel awkward, bewildered, insecure, calm, angry. In any case, emotion comes first, and only then does the mind turn on. With this in mind, apply the following rules:
- Try to deal with negative emotions. If you are not balanced internally, you will not be able to respond correctly. A good helper is the "dissociation" method: try to look at the situation as if from the outside (both at yourself and at the critic), as if you were a spectator in the theater, and action is taking place on the stage. This will reduce the intensity of emotions and enable analysis of the situation.
- Don't show emotion. Even if you failed to cope with emotions (and this happens when the negative is too strong, and even the blow fell on a sore spot), do not show it. If a person strove for self-affirmation, wanted to spoil the mood or wanted to throw out anger, then your confused look is what he needs. Don't give him that pleasure.
- Speak confidently. How controlled you are shows the tone of your voice. "Correct" phrases, uttered in a quiet, doubtful tone, will be regarded as an attempt to justify themselves. If you speak firmly, confidently and calmly, then they will be perceived as evidence and reasonable arguments.
The second component of the response to criticism is analytical. It comes only when you manage your emotions. Sometimes this moment comes very slowly or does not come at all. Hearing criticism, a person cannot cope with emotions and begins to either make excuses or scream. Then he continues to worry internally, justifying himself and finding reasons to hate the offender. Then he decides something (for example, no longer communicate with this person, or prick him in response on occasion, or recognizes him as envious) and calms down. The moment of rational analysis never arrives. And we need to learn how to turn our head on almost immediately.
First of all, you must determine how constructive criticism is, both in form and content. Because first of all, our emotions react to the form (offensive or businesslike), and you coped with them, then you are ready to understand whether there is some truth in criticism.
After evaluating criticism for constructiveness, you proceed to pondering the goals of the opponent, standing "behind" criticism. To clarify the motives, you can ask a direct question: "What do you want to achieve by telling me this?". Look at the reaction - it will tell you. And then act according to the circumstances. Sometimes you can and should tell a person that, in your opinion, he, by criticizing you, is striving for his own goals, and sometimes this is not worth doing. First of all, it is important that you internally understand where the criticism "legs grow from."
Assessing the constructiveness of criticism and the goals of the opponent, you must formulate what is more important for you in this situation: to feel like a winner at all costs, or to maintain a relationship. Sometimes relationships with a person are so important for us that we must definitely discuss the situation and come to an agreement, no matter how outraged we are.
So, now you are ready to correctly evaluate the criticism directed at you and adequately respond. It may take a long time at first, and you will take a "silent pause", move the conversation to another topic, or postpone the conversation. However, gradually you will be able to “train” in such a way that you will overcome emotional discomfort, determine the constructive criticism and goals of your opponent in half a minute.
Julia Vasilkina
Psychologist, Moscow
Article provided by the journal "Pregnancy. From conception to childbirth" N 05 2007
