Just yesterday you were a couple and couldn’t imagine life without each other, and today each of you greets the dawn in an empty room with one single question: “How to live on now?” You can measure the ceiling with an empty gaze, shed tears for what you have lost and run away from yourself for an infinitely long time, but time heals.
True, healing occurs only if the process of parting with a loved one went correctly and step by step. Today on the Koshechka.ru website we’ll talk about what stages of separation women and men experience.
What's in the article:
What is a breakup?
From a psychological point of view, separation is the loss of a relationship when it can no longer develop further for one reason or another. The breakup can be unexpected or deliberate, when the relationship has reached a dead end and there is simply no point in continuing it. One way or another, parting with a loved one borders on the concept of “life cut short,” and this is due to the absence of any positive thoughts in your head at this stage.
Breaking up a relationship is a systematic process that has its own stages. Only after going through them all can you return to normal life. If you freeze at any stage partingor live it wrong, you can suffer for a very long time, because until the stage is passed, it is impossibleatmove on to the next one.
Let's list on the website the 6 main stages of separation that men and women go through:
- The stage of denying what is happening.
- Stage of expression or suppression of feelings.
- The stage of bargaining or attempts to “glue” the relationship.
- The stage of apathy towards everything that happens.
- The stage of accepting the situation and humility.
- The stage of a second wind or a new page in life.
Depending on the complexity of the situation and the intensity of emotions, each of us experiences this difficult moment in life at our own speed and characteristics. The main thing is not to let yourself get fixated on any particular stage and look for all the ways out of the current situation.
Stage 1 - Denial of what is happening
The first phrase that spins in your head after the words: “I don’t love you anymore!” or “We need to break up”, “This is not happening to me.” Consciousness refuses to accept the current circumstances and includes a defensive reaction, which is expressed in denial of what is happening. It was as if the person had been doused with a bucket of ice water or hit sharply on the head with something heavy. The soul screams “Nooo!”, and stress makes a person curl up. Joint plans for life, common interests, memories and dreams - all this collapsed! The bouquet of feelings after the breakup has not yet had time to open up, and the only thing that lives in the heart at this stage is the unbearability of the very concept that this person will no longer be around. Fear, misunderstanding and severe anxiety are the main experiences of men and women after a breakup.
If everything was already heading towards a breakup, and you had time to get used to the idea that sooner or later you will have to separate, then the effect of devaluing the significance of the loss occurs. In this case, there is no strong shock and anxiety, but the feelings seem to freeze: the heart should scream from pain and grief, but it is simply indifferent.
At this stage, it is important not to withdraw entirely into yourself, but to ask for help and support from your loved ones, otherwise it can take several months to several years to get out of this stage of separation, especially for women.
Stage 2 - Expression or suppression of feelings
As soon as the awareness of what is happening comes, a wave of real feelings will come. Everything can be mixed here: pain, anger, hatred, guilt, jealousy. We are angry with our loved ones because they forced us to go through a breakup, because they did not leave a single chance to correct the situation. In a state of panic, we begin to look for the culprit: and often find it in ourselves. The woman is tormented by the question: “Why didn’t I keep him?”, and the man tries to take revenge or showers his former lover with threats.
Now it is important not to go too far: get angry, but in moderation and without using physical force. Not only your partner, but also the people around you can suffer from your emotions. Usually women in such a situation break dishes or tear paper, and defiantly throw their loved one’s things out the window. A man may throw a phone or something heavier at the wall in anger.
Stage 3 – Bargaining or attempts to “glue” the relationship
The first two stages of separation in women and men simultaneously contain this stage - constant attempts to return everything back.
After the passionate passions have subsided, there is some calm and a more or less conscious analysis of the situation occurs. As soon as the reason for the breakup is found out, the stage of bargaining and seesawing, tearful telephone conversations and SMS battles with pleas for forgiveness begins. We are looking for loopholes and any approaches to the heart of our beloved in order to somehow reduce the size of the wound in the heart. Hope at this stage is the only thing that allows us to continue to live. After all, all the brightest and most wonderful things are left behind, and so far there is only darkness and hopelessness in the situation.
Sometimes attempts to get together actually end in success, but these relationships are already new. If you don’t approach your lover, you need to let go of the situation and start a new life without him. 
Stage 4 - Apathy towards everything that happens
This stage allows us to understand what it means to be a vegetable: insensitive and floating with the flow of life. The brain and heart were tired of fighting and, finally, the realization came that the past could not be returned, but life still goes on. It is useless to look for those to blame if this still does not bring back your loved one.
An emptiness settles in the heart. Some people lie all day long, staring at the ceiling, some spend hours watching TV, and some look through photos of them together with tears. Sometimes apathy reaches a point when you no longer have the strength to do anything, and only a psychologist can help you cope with your feelings. Usually by this time the person is already so exhausted that a gradual normalization of the psyche occurs: the resentment goes away, the pain dulls, consciousness returns.
At this stage of separation, it is important to cry and remember all the good things - this is necessary to move to the next state.
Stage 5 - Acceptance of the situation and humility
The time of “shaking and confusion” has passed, life is slowly beginning to return to its previous course. The memories are still alive in our minds, but this no longer prevents us from going about our daily activities. What happened forces us to draw conclusions, and the fear of a new relationship settles in our hearts for a long time.
Gathering all their will into a fist, women begin to take care of themselves: a cosmetic bag in their hands again, a schedule of tasks for two weeks in advance, a cup of coffee for breakfast, fitness on weekends, meetings with girlfriends in a cafe. Men silently try to find balance and also no longer take up a glass of cognac or vodka, but behind the wheel of their favorite car and go to solve their daily male problems.
Stage 6 - Second wind or new page in life
Life is gradually filled with new events and acquaintances, the sun again peeks into the empty room, and food acquires taste again. We understand that life has taught us a cruel lesson, but we are grateful to it for this shake-up.
After a breakup, a person, as if receiving an electric shock, learns to live again. Strength and self-confidence are gradually returning, new plans and prospects appear ahead. The last stage is characterized by complete acceptance of what happened: if we broke up, it means we were not suitable for each other.
How do women cope with breakups?
The stages of separation in the female half of humanity are accompanied by pronounced emotionality and duration. A feature of female psychology is the duration of the depressive state in a given situation. Sometimes a woman can be in a state of apathy for several years.
Having lost confidence in themselves and their beauty, women often try to survive a breakup under the guise of a successful and independent “woman.” From a psychological point of view, this is the most successful move - this way women can get used to the presented image and more easily go through all the stages of experiencing a breakup.
How do men cope with breakups?
Oddly enough, men take the process of separation much closer to their hearts than women. Outwardly, they will not show weakness, with their heads held high and their eyes dry, they will accumulate rage and anger within themselves until it all comes out in the form of:
- Drinking alcoholic beverages to numb mental pain.
- Play sports until you are completely exhausted.
- Random changes of partners in bed.
According to psychology, men are less resistant to this kind of negativity, and this is due to a higher susceptibility to what is happening.
Romantic relationships are always wonderful! They inspire, charge with energy and give confidence to each of the partners. But, unfortunately, many couples have to separate for one reason or another. This period is usually painful. It takes a lot of effort to recover from a breakup and open a new page in life. Losing is always difficult, especially of someone with whom you have a serious and trusting relationship.
At first after a breakup, it may seem that life has ended, and nothing in it will bring the same joy and inspiration. But such thoughts and experiences can be dealt with. The main thing is to correctly go through the stages of breaking up a relationship. “Correctly” means “not getting stuck” on each of them and taking the necessary measures in time so as not to aggravate the situation.
6 stages of separation
Stage No. 1. Denial of loss: “No, this couldn’t happen!” or “No, this is not with me!”
At this stage, men and women experience feelings such as fear, misunderstanding, and severe anxiety. Denial is one of the main psychological defense mechanisms and occurs when an event causes severe stress in a person and he refuses to accept it.
For consciousness, this is a certain delay in time to digest everything that is happening. After a breakup, your brain doesn't want to accept that your loved one is no longer in your life. Shared goals, values, hopes and plans - losing all this turns out to be unbearable. Then we can find justification and reassurance for ourselves, that everything that happened is temporary, that this is some kind of misunderstanding and the relationship will definitely resume. A clear understanding of the situation will come later. 
The important task of going through this stage is to get closer to realizing the reality of what is happening, no matter how painful it may be. Any support would be helpful. Therefore, there is no need to be afraid to seek psychological help: this can be simple communication with loved ones, friends, or consultation with a specialist.
Stage No. 2. Expression of feelings: “I hate him/her! I hate myself!"
After realizing the loss, strong negative emotions will most likely surge: anger, anger, contempt, jealousy. We feel angry at our beloved for leaving, and at ourselves for not being able to keep him or her and not correcting the situation in time. There may be accusations and even threats against your loved one. This stage is also characterized by panic from the realization that he will no longer be around.
It is important, on the one hand, not to repress negative feelings, not to forbid oneself to be angry, and, on the other hand, not to go too far in showing aggression: not to threaten, not to use physical force against a former partner and not to try to take revenge. All negative emotions need to be released in a way that is safe for yourself and others.
For example, express them on paper, cry or scream, keep a diary, etc. You can tidy up your things by throwing away or putting away everything related to your previous relationship. Often this helps to free oneself from oppressive memories and get rid of unnecessary negativity.
Stage No. 3. Attempts to correct the situation and return everything: “Or maybe we can try again?”
After the anger and contempt have subsided, the desire to renew the relationship often comes. This is some kind of attempt to deceive yourself and believe that you can return your loved one. It can manifest itself either only in a mental desire to return everything, or in actions: phone calls, messages to a former partner, scheduling meetings.
There is a great temptation to linger at this stage, but this should not be allowed. Otherwise, an obsession can easily develop. It is important to occupy your thoughts with something else, switch to an activity that will bring positivity (dancing, sports, creativity, etc.). Any attempts to meet with your ex-lover or write SMS must be postponed until the desire to do so disappears.
Stage No. 4. Indifference, depression: “There is no point in doing anything. I do not want anything"
Depends on the success of passing the previous stages and may not occur if the condition begins to return to normal. Otherwise, the person faces emotional exhaustion and becomes depressed. Most often this manifests itself in a state of apathy, unwillingness to do anything.
This is a very dangerous stage, so it is urgent to take measures to combat stress (do not stay alone, but communicate more and share your experiences with loved ones, use relaxation techniques, engage in physical exercise and creativity, seek help from a psychologist).
Stage No. 5. Acceptance of the situation: “Yes, it’s a shame, but such is life!”
There is recognition of the loss and end of the relationship, the emotional state gradually stabilizes. The fifth stage is characterized by the fact that a person comes to terms with the need to separate, stops carrying the burden of the past, and “let go” of the situation. 
It is important to learn from previous relationships, realize the mistakes in your behavior and what you were able to learn during this time.
In addition to the above, you can find out more on our website.
The 5 stages of separation are associated with overcoming the stress that a woman or man experiences after breaking up with a loved one. Stage 6 involves readiness for a new relationship.
Stage No. 6. Return to life: “I’m starting to live from scratch”
Fresh strength appears, a person becomes more energetic and self-confident, he can begin to actively change something in the environment. This is the time when new ideas are born in thoughts and there is a desire not only to dream, but also to make plans. By moving to the 6th stage of separation, we gain significant experience and regain our faith in the future.
Few people think about the fact that the separation process goes through 6 stages. Sometimes they happen quickly, sometimes they drag on. But ultimately, their cycle is aimed at the harmonious completion of relationships, preserving the integrity of the individual and ensuring that everyone who experiences a loss comes to the conclusion: “Life goes on, and everything will definitely work out for me!”
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When relationships between people become obsolete and a break occurs, a very painful process begins for a person. It is accompanied by feelings of disappointment, sadness and intense mental pain. The loss of a loved one is rarely taken lightly. In this case, a person goes through certain stages and stages of ending a relationship. Each of them is characterized by the emergence of various, mostly negative, emotions.
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- denial of what happened;
- anger and hatred towards a partner;
- bargaining and hope for reconciliation;
- depression and apathy;
- acceptance and starting life from scratch.
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Emotional stages during separation
In psychology, the separation of lovers is defined as the loss of a relationship. American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross compiled a plan for the stages of experiencing a breakup before the emergence of new feelings with a guy or girl. There are 5 stages of depression after a breakup:
These stages are the same for both men and women. And differences in behavior are determined by individual qualities and habits. People show the same emotions in different ways.
The first stage is denial and disagreement
It is difficult to comprehend the separation and believe what happened. People hope to the last that they will make peace with their other half and start all over again, that their loved one will call and say that there was no separation. The mind is aware of reality, but all feelings seem to have frozen. This period can last from 3 weeks to 1.5 years.
Stage two - anger and aggression
After realizing that the partner has abandoned, indignation sets in, which turns into anger. Accusations and negative statements against the former lover begin. The desire to have something in common with him disappears. Aggression can also be directed at oneself. But there is no need to restrain yourself, as the resentment can remain for life. This period lasts several months.
Third stage - bargaining and dialogue
Numerous conversations with yourself begin. Options for the development of events are being considered. A person tries to understand what he did wrong, to imagine what would have happened if he had behaved differently. People are trying to create the illusion of an incomplete break. At this stage, they begin to blame only themselves for everything, and consider their partner to be ideal.
Stage four - depression
The person realized that it would not be possible to return the relationship, and the breakup occurred. Due to heavy thoughts, sadness, melancholy and depression occur. Mourning a loved one and missing the past, a person simply exists. Everything is colorless and it seems that life is over.
Fifth stage - acceptance
Gradually, the feeling of loss begins to recede, and the desire to change your life for the better appears. All grievances are forgotten. A person strives to start new relationships and make acquaintances.
How to survive separation from a man?
The stages of depression during separation in women are longer and more emotionally expressed. There are cases when they could not overcome this stage for more than 10 years.
To cope with this condition, experts recommend creating for yourself the image of a successful, strong girl and getting used to it as much as possible. Try to experience as many pleasant emotions as possible. If you adhere to this rule, you increase the chance of finding a new partner for a relationship. This will help heal your mental wounds.
An important point is self-respect and self-love. If a woman does not value herself, then men will especially not pay attention to her.
How to recover from the loss of the woman you love?
Men experience breakups more acutely. They are usually reserved and have a strong character. But in a situation where a partner decides to break off the union, the male psyche is more receptive.
Stages of experiencing loss - parting with a loved one as a result of separation or death.
Any separation is painful. And not a single human life is complete without parting. Breakups can be due to separation, loss of connections or death. Each breakup is individual. Firstly, the loss of a loved one, separation can be expected and sudden. For example, married couples have been talking about divorce for many years, are ready for this step, and have entered into relationships with other partners. And now the long-foreseen moment comes - the couple gets divorced. Or vice versa, one of the partners decides to get a divorce and starts a new relationship. At the same time, for the second partner it is a surprise, everything is incomprehensible and sudden. The death of a loved one may be expected due to a serious illness with a poor prognosis. These are those cases when a person becomes seriously ill, fades away in front of the sick, treatment turns out to be ineffective and the person dies. And although in most cases it is difficult for loved ones to fully prepare for the death of a loved one, sudden death is still a stronger blow to the person’s psyche.
If a sudden or gradual separation from a person is filled with disappointment, resentment, anger and other emotions. Then, in the event of death, a person is faced with the fact that human life is finite. When a loved one dies, a person not only loses him, he loses him forever and is faced with some forces more powerful than himself. No matter what emotions people show during loss, there is always pain hidden behind them. Pain that is often repressed because it is so great. The world has changed, after loss, life is never the same.
Stages of loss.
1. Shock and denial. The first stage of coping with loss occurs immediately after a person learns about grief. The first reaction to the news can be very diverse: screaming, motor excitement, or, conversely, numbness. Then comes a state of psychological shock, which is characterized by a lack of full contact with the outside world and with oneself. A person does everything mechanically, like an automaton. At times it seems to him that he sees everything that is happening to him now in a nightmare. At the same time, all feelings inexplicably disappear, the person may have a frozen facial expression, expressionless and slightly delayed speech. Such “indifference” may seem strange to the bereaved person, and often offends the people around him and is perceived as selfishness. But in fact, this imaginary emotional coldness, as a rule, hides deep shock at the loss and protects a person from unbearable mental pain.
Denial can be expressed in a simple way - asking again. A person can again and again, as if he did not hear or did not understand, clarify the words and formulations in which he received the bitter news. In fact, at the moment he is not hard of hearing, but does not want to believe that something has already happened. And sometimes, the experience is potentially so strong that a person physically cannot “let it go” and can simply forget about the grief until he is ready to experience it. Decisions made at this stage will be incorrect, since the person does not have an accurate understanding of the situation. No matter how detailed it is explained to him, he distorts his perception with denial. A person understands that a separation has occurred or he has suffered a loss - a loved one has died, but inside he refuses to accept this fact. Such internal discrepancy is not uncommon, and can be considered a variant of denial. The options for its manifestation can be different: people unconsciously look for the deceased with their eyes in a crowd of passers-by, talk to him, it seems to them that they hear his voice or that he is about to come out from around the corner. It happens that in everyday affairs, relatives, out of habit, proceed from the fact that the deceased person is nearby, for example, they put an extra cutlery on the table for him. Or his room and belongings are kept intact, as if he might be about to return. All this produces a painful impression, but is a normal reaction to the pain of loss and, as a rule, passes over time as the person experiencing the loss realizes its reality and finds the mental strength to face the feelings caused by it. Then the next stage of experiencing grief begins.
2. The second stage of experiencing grief is anger and resentment, some authors call it aggression. After the fact of loss is realized, the absence of the deceased is felt more and more acutely. A grieving person replays over and over again the events that preceded the separation or death of a loved one. He tries to comprehend what happened, to find the reasons, and he has a lot of questions from the cycle: “Why?” “Why (why) did such misfortune befall us?”, “Why did he leave me?” “Why did this happen to me?” “Why did God let him (she) die?”, “Why did God allow him (she) to find someone else?” “Why couldn’t the doctors save him?”, “Why someone else and not me?”, “Why him?” There can be a huge number of such “whys”, and they pop up in the mind many times. At the same time, a grieving person does not expect an answer as such; this is also a unique form of expressing pain. This is an attempt to shield yourself from pain, a search for reasons in others, a search for those to blame.
Simultaneously with the emergence of such questions, resentment and anger arise towards those who directly or indirectly contributed to the death of a loved one or did not prevent it. Or to those who knew, for example, about their partner’s infidelities and remained silent. Or the address of the departed partner and his loved ones. In this case, the accusation can be directed at fate, at God, at people: doctors, relatives, friends, colleagues of the deceased, at society as a whole, at murderers (or people directly responsible for the death of a loved one), at a mistress, children, relatives. Such a “trial” is more emotional than rational, and therefore sometimes leads to unfounded and unfair reproaches against people who are not only not guilty of what happened, but even tried to help. This whole complex of negative experiences - indignation, embitterment, resentment, envy or the desire for revenge - is quite natural, but can complicate the communication of the grieving person with family and friends and even with officials or authorities. Moreover, such a number of unfounded reproaches may be made against loved ones during this period that will forever destroy their relationship. It is important that the one who has suffered a loss and his loved ones understand that this is such protection. It is easier to reproach, blame, be offended and look for the guilty than to face reality, helplessness and your pain. Of course, in the event of separation from a partner, there is a search for those responsible; all reproaches are directed at the partner or his relatives, or his mistress (lover). But the reaction of anger can also be directed at the departed: for leaving and causing suffering, for not preventing death, for not listening, for leaving behind a bunch of problems, including material ones.
3. stage is stage of guilt and obsessions.
This is a search for options on how everything could have been different if... A lot of options are scrolling through my head on how everything could have turned out differently... A person can convince himself that if he could turn back time, he would definitely behave differently, loses in my imagination, how everything would have been then..." If I only knew...", "If he...", "If my parents...", "If it weren't for my friends...", "If only I had gone to the hospital in time...", “If only it were possible to return everything back...” It would seem that there is no common sense in these arguments; is it possible to predict a separation when it happens suddenly. Is it even possible to foresee sudden death? However, the human psyche is structured in such a way that there is a need for the illusion that it is possible to control everything in life. Is it so? Unlikely. Many examples from my practice confirm that control over life is a myth. Partings, illnesses, death are clear confirmation of this. In addition, the search for one’s own guilt in what happened is often not true and may be inappropriate to the strength of the situation. That is, the degree of human intervention or non-interference in the breakup is clearly overestimated. Control over loss is an illusion. Many people blame themselves for not being attentive enough to a person during their lifetime, for being wrong, for not talking about their love for him, for not asking for forgiveness for something. Others believe they were better off dead. Still others experience a feeling of guilt due to a feeling of relief due to the death of a person. In the event of separation from a partner, a person can spend a long time looking for shortcomings and incorrect behavior that would explain the separation and the partner’s actions. If guilt begins to be of an inadequate nature, grips a person, and prevents him from continuing to live normally, then it is worth thinking about the fact that we are talking about an adopted feeling. In fact, such guilt has nothing to do with the actual event itself. Her strong inadequate character says that this feeling comes from the person’s family system and does not actually belong to him. Therapy is required here so that the feeling does not fill a person’s life so much that it plunges him into severe, long-term depression.
Stage 4 is depression. This is the period of maximum mental pain, which can even be felt physically. This is a normal state, as a reaction to loss. However, if this condition drags on for years and the next stage does not occur, then the help of a psychotherapist is required. A depressive state may be accompanied by crying, especially when remembering the deceased, the past life together and the circumstances of his death. Or it can be experienced deep inside, when a person still lives with memories, realizing that the former cannot be returned. It seems that life has lost its meaning, there is no strength, no purpose, no meaning. After a loss, a person can cling to suffering as an opportunity to maintain a connection with the deceased, to prove his love for him. The internal logic in this case is something like this: to stop grieving means to calm down, to calm down means to forget, and to forget = to betray. As a result, a person continues to suffer in order to thereby maintain loyalty to the deceased and a spiritual connection with him.
Stage 5 is acceptance of loss. This stage comes as the completion of the previous ones and is characterized by emotional acceptance of the loss. Grief recedes, a person returns to normal life, plans are made, goals appear. A characteristic feature of this stage: remembering the loss, a person does not lose strength and balance; on the contrary, he draws strength from it.
How does acceptance of loss actually occur and is it always possible to go through all the stages and end with acceptance? Of course, the duration of the stages is individual for each person. And the stage of depression does not always turn into acceptance. So, for example, a woman may be in a state of resentment and depression towards her ex-husband for years after a divorce, turning over her claims in her head. Then there is no question of acceptance. Acceptance is when I look at our relationship and separation calmly, without pain. Otherwise, the separation is not completed. This is precisely the task of parting - accepting the loss. A sign of a completed separation is an internal change, when something changes in a person and a new, different stage in his life begins.
However, the loss is not always accepted even after several years. Then we are talking about an unfinished separation. An incomplete separation can be with a living person, for example, a former partner, or with a deceased person, for example, a brother or mother. Loss due to separation or death is always. This is an internal process that often does not result in full acceptance. A person may be torn apart by conflicting feelings, psychosomatic symptoms or a panic, anxious, neurotic state will appear. Psychotrauma continues to live inside a person’s psyche years and decades later, destroying his health, psyche, relationships, and life in general. If we are talking about the death of a loved one, then the living person may have an unconscious desire to follow the deceased, that is, to die. This is especially common when a parent is lost due to death in early childhood.
Therefore, in case of an unfinished separation, the help of a psychotherapist is required, since psychotrauma continues to destroy a person’s life, taking away his inner strength. If, when remembering the separation and loss, you feel pain, resentment, anger, worry, irritability or anxiety, then the separation is still unfinished. If, a year after the death or separation, you have a feeling that your own life is stopping, there are continuous thoughts of worthlessness and hopelessness; thoughts about death or suicide; persistent inability to perform daily activities; uncontrollable crying, anxiety, restlessness, slow responses and physical reactions; extreme weight loss, you should consult a psychotherapist.
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