Hello dear women! Recently, a client of mine asked an interesting question: how do men relate to women with a child. I started researching this topic, organized a social survey and received quite interesting answers. It is impossible to say unequivocally that all men treat girls with children well or badly. But it is the same in any question. Let's understand in more detail, and at the same time we will find out at what point it is best to tell about your baby and what to do if the boyfriends constantly run away after learning the truth.
Two sides of the same coin
As in any other issue, here we have two camps: guys who treat other people's children well and it's not a problem for them, and guys who will never connect their fate with a divorced woman with a burden in their arms.
There are men who spoke out very categorically about girls with a baby in their arms. Their main arguments were that she herself could not keep her ex-husband, that they were not going to take responsibility for raising someone else's child and that they did not need an abandoned woman.
Here one can say either about very serious grievances and problems in the past, or about the unwillingness to take on such responsibility. When a man is faced with a problem, then in the future he tries to avoid such situations. But this also applies to women.
Anyone will be wary of situations that remind them of past pain or failure.
As for responsibility, the guy just might not yet be ready for such a turn of events. He did not even think about starting a family, but here he was already a ready and almost adult child. Therefore, he will have a negative attitude towards young ladies with children. He just still wants to take a walk, ease and simplicity in a relationship. But with a child it will not work out that way.
There are others. Those who are not only ready to raise the children of their beloved woman, but also really want to have joint ones. Among these there are many divorced men who themselves have children from their first marriage.
They are well aware that anything can happen in life. That divorce does not stigmatize a person and does not say that since the husband has left the woman, it means that she is not capable of anything. After all, situations are different.
There are also representatives of the stronger sex who adore children and for them this is not only not a problem, but also a real joy. They are ready to treat children as if they were their relatives and for them there is nothing to worry about.
Of course, there is also a neutral side. Some guys replied that, by and large, they didn't care whether a potential young lady had children or not, but they would not deliberately seek such a relationship.
Therefore, do not think that all men are negative about this issue. But you shouldn't think that everyone you meet will be happy to raise your son or daughter. It all depends on the situation and on the person himself. Read the article "" and you will see that nothing is impossible.
Choose tactics
When you communicate with a guy, sooner or later the moment comes when you need to talk about the child. Some women are very straightforward and open-minded. They immediately inform the potential boyfriend that she is not alone and that a little man is walking with her in addition. The tactic is not bad, it allows you to immediately understand how seriously a man takes you.
But such directness can frighten off a person, although he may not be against children. There are softer tactics. For example, call a young man to a place where there are usually many children and parents with babies. So you can see the guy's reaction and see if he treats the kids well in general.
The most losing tactic is to be silent until the very end. Anyway, sooner or later the young man will find out everything. And the longer you are silent, the more offend him at the end. After all, such silence will be equated with distrust, with secrets and secrets. What else are you hiding from him?
When is the best time to tell a man about his child - it's up to you to choose. Look at the situation and the man. And remember about the baby. After all, he must be ready to meet your new gentleman. And his feelings should be your priority.
Don't get hung up
If you just can't find a decent, loving and understanding guy, then don't despair and hang up. It's just not the time yet. You will definitely meet your man. In the meantime, take care of yourself, your career and raising your baby.
Take care of your appearance. Start going to yoga or just to the gym. There you can meet new people and learn something new and interesting. Change your wardrobe, take a make-up or style course.
In addition to your appearance, take care of your inner world. Fill yourself with new information, be open to everything and everyone. Read more with your baby. Go to the cinema, theater.
An interesting woman gets more attention, remember that. Especially for you, I have an excellent article that will help you not to worry about having a partner - "".
Of course, a complete family is good. But a loving, caring mother is also great!
Spend more time together. Get to know your child and help him achieve his goals. Don't just focus on your personal life. It will not benefit you or your baby. But don't forget that happy children grow up with happy parents.
Take up your career. Listen to people older than you and learn new things. Do not stand still, thinking that you have reached the maximum. If you have already reached good heights in your profession, then find a hobby for yourself. A new occupation and hobby is great for being happy. In addition, everything new brings unexpected pleasures into our life, and this cannot but rejoice.
Remember, everyone is worthy of happiness. And you will definitely find your worthy prince who will madly love you and your baby. Just don't get hung up on the relationship and take care of yourself and your kids. Love will come unwittingly.
How do you feel about divorced men with children? How many relationships have you had since your divorce? How do guys usually react to your child claim?
Wish you all the best!
Reason one
And the very simple: actually, a child or even children. After all, you like a woman, why should this fact lead to the need to take on the burden of raising someone else's child? As practice has shown, women immediately rush in with accusations of the "selfishness" of such a position.
Yes, a man should be selfish, in a good sense of the word. He is simply obliged to take care of the continuation of HIS kind, about the best conditions for his family, for his own children.
From time to time, women blur out. No, no, let something fly out of their mouths like: “Yes, it doesn't matter to a peasant, his child or not. Even better: behind the most problematic age. " Yes, there is a difference between men. And also what!
Every normal man (and this is the law of nature) strives to educate his children, to pass on his skills, knowledge, wisdom, property from generation to generation. But I want to do this only for the sake of blood heirs, those children in whom you can observe your own traits and features of a kind.
Moreover, the law of nature prescribes the male to spread his seed, his genes wherever possible. But the adoption of other people's children is contrary to the very nature of a man. I will not be afraid of criticism and will give an example from the life of the wild: the first thing lions kill the children of their female from the past "marriage".
Other people's children in themselves are the clearest reminder of a woman's past belonging to another man.
For those women who blame men for not wanting to marry a divorced woman with a child, we want to ask: are you ready to raise a man's children from past marriages?
Reason two
Marrying a woman with a child is simply unnatural. Under the normal order of things, a woman enters a man's house and a new family is formed with a man at the head. In the case of a divorce with children, a man enters into an already existing (inferior) family, where a woman is at the head. Thus, from the very beginning, the traditional, natural family hierarchy is violated, headed by a man, husband, father of the family. This circumstance itself casts doubt on the strength of such a family. It is unlikely that the building based on the "curved foundation" will be durable.
In itself, the joining of a man to an already existing family strikes a blow at his pride and, to a significant extent, determines the nature of the relationship between spouses: a woman is in a state of stable dominance.
Know: for a divorce with a child, you will always be in third place: she, child, you. Only in this order. And this is the best case. For very often the role of the surrogate male head of the family is played by the woman's mother. She is an unconditional ally of a woman in a past divorce, and, often, an instigator of it.
“It’s not even a matter of“ hierarchy ”as subordination, but of divorce priorities. She almost completely transfers her "unsuccessful" love for her husband to the child, especially if it is a son (their words - "I have the most beloved and loyal man, and all the others are Kazly"). A mother who helps also becomes a stronghold of reliability. Well, and only about herself, beloved, a woman always remembers. Thus, in order for the new man to be able to push them all off his "pedestals", the divorcee must either fall in love VERY deeply (which is unlikely, since mental energy will still be spent first of all on the child), or really REVIEW her own system of priorities to understand that a normal (!) man will not be content with at least 4th place in her life. "
BoMG
Reason three
Very often, a woman with a child, seeking to get married again, is looking, first of all, for a supplier of material resources who will help her to put her child (children) on her feet. In relation to this task, the personality of the man himself goes to the tenth plane. This is a completely understandable motivation for a woman, but, of course, a man-candidate for husbands will not be initiated into its essence. From a woman's point of view, everything is logical and fair, as it should be: "a man must provide for a woman and children." The only question is why a man needs it.
Reason four
The fact is that the very fact of a woman's divorce is a huge minus to her. Let me explain: even if we accept that her “goat-ex-husband” is to blame for everything in the world (a very common characteristic of a former spouse presented to a potential new chosen one is, by the way, a good indicator, be on your guard!), Then the woman is at least to blame for that she chose such a husband and such a father for her children.
“In any woman, by nature, there is a mechanism for choosing a strong, intelligent and high-quality male, therefore, when choosing a partner, women are guided by marriage with a real man (nature has never set such a task for a man). Therefore, it is the woman who is responsible for the wrong choice of her husband and divorce. "
Smart ass
In practice, both spouses are to blame for the destruction of the relationship. However, the woman bears more responsibility for the psychological climate in the family. Think about what is behind her divorce. Inability to build or maintain a relationship? Bad temper? Extreme selfishness? Excessive requirements for a man? Irresponsibility? Cheating? Low value of the family as such in her eyes? I do not know. In any case, some of the above is present to one degree or another, and more often - all of the above in varying proportions and relationships. Let's remember the statistics: 75-80% of divorces occur precisely on the initiative of women.
"The fact that the majority of divorced women are worthless wives, on whom life itself has already marked the III grade is not a stamp, but life realities"
Smart ass
Most women do not have a critical mind, and it is unlikely that the divorcee drew the right conclusions from her divorce. Women often like to repeat that "all people are different, she just might not be lucky with her husband." As a rule, they themselves sincerely believe in such "bad luck". It is very difficult for a woman to admit her own guilt in divorce, as in everything else. Almost impossible.
“Unfortunately, women often go the wrong way, and society is actively helping them in this. In the media, the situation when a man and a woman get divorced much more often is interpreted in the sense that you are such a bastard, and the man did not appreciate it, etc. etc. Films, books, talk shows (this is generally a separate conversation), advice from friends (stupid and, as a result, equally unsettled), songs ... Everywhere the same thing - “Divorced? You're right!" There is not even a hint of an analysis of the situation, and attempts to draw correct conclusions from it "
Smart ass
Reason five
I'll start right away with a quote:
“A divorced woman who has a child (this is what we mean by the word“ divorced ”) is no longer as naive and pure as a girl who has no negative life experience (it's not about virginity).
Of course, life experience will not hurt anyone, BUT ONLY IF THE CORRECT CONCLUSIONS ARE DONE FROM IT. Otherwise, the experience is not only not useful, BUT IT IS HARMFUL, as it leads to excessive suspicion, callousness, mercantile attitude towards men and other nuances of character that will not help, but harm the divorcee in life. "
Smart ass
In other words, a divorce is far from a "blank sheet of paper".
They are armed with a ready-made and tested set of manipulative templates, a whole arsenal of defensive-offensive behavioral patterns, bias and suspicion. Of course, this applies to far from intelligent women, but what can you do if they are the overwhelming majority.
“The breakdown of a marriage in itself indicates the presence of pathologies in her psyche, congenital or acquired (for every taste - from bitchiness to looking for a prince and latent hatred of men). On average, a divorced woman has more cockroaches in her head than an unmarried woman. Whether they are crushed - most likely not. "
John Vasilievich
Reason six
And the last one. Any undertaking should take into account the likely prospects. In the case of marrying a divorced woman with a child, a lot of pitfalls are possible. Well, here are a few at a glance:
Relationship with the child (children), the child's possible jealousy or his unwillingness to see someone else in his father's place will not work out;
Pedagogical "triangle": you can't let go of everything and forgive the child, but you can't go too far and, thus, run into the discontent of the mother, who suspects you of bias towards someone else's child;
There are quite a few cases when a woman considers her maternal program to be already fulfilled and ignores the man's desire to have common children;
The presence of the biological father of the child (children) somewhere near your family is unlikely to enrich your family life with positive moments;
All attempts to talk about the shortcomings of divorced women as potential brides, most often, are perceived by the women themselves with hostility and enrage them. Counter-arguments, if they can be considered as such, look something like this:
“But my friend / sister / acquaintance / I myself got married with a child (children), they live happily, he loves the child (children) very much” and all that. So "the main thing is love, it is very easy to marry a divorced woman with a child." Here you are greatly mistaken. Rather, you are deceiving yourself: the fact is that the main property of exceptions is that they are striking, attract attention and remain in memory for a long time. Yes, there are such examples, and you avidly name them. Forget one thing: you did not count those who DIDN'T MARRY divorces with children, and I assure you, there are hundreds of times more of them.
Women in general very often give DESIRED for reality; the truth of this or that statement in the eyes of a woman often directly depends on whether she likes it or not. Divorced women and women who admit divorce in the long term really like the idea that a divorced woman with children has the SAME CHANCE to get married, they are psychologically more comfortable thinking that this is so, but this "equal chance" does not make a true desire, alas.
A "real man" (with a breath and an impressive accentuating pause!) Will love the children of his beloved woman, only such a "real" man is capable of such love, care, tenderness, dedication, etc. (drool to taste). Weak people, "musch girls" are not capable of such love, of real feeling "
To this you should answer: “Ladies, dear, do not try to speculate with this hackneyed pseudo-concept of a“ real man ”, because in your eyes the“ realness ”of a man is to satisfy your own“ wants ”, in accordance with your attitudes and, often, in submission to you and under your control. Therefore, I am sincerely glad that I am not so “real” in your eyes, I am sure that I will never be so, as well as millions of other men. Do not waste time, energy and words on juicy epithets and "guesses" about ourselves, our sexual orientation, the severity of childhood, resentment towards women, etc. It is better to devote these minutes to your children. "
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The number of single mothers in our country continues to grow steadily. Which is not surprising: more than half of marriages end in divorce.
At the same time, a man who marries a woman with a child is perceived by the majority as something like a desperate superhero. How many times have I heard from familiar men: "Everything is fine, damn it, but she has a child!" Child! Someone else's child! Why, they say, should I raise someone else's child who will not even look like me!
Here I want to say right away that a woman may still have elderly parents, a brother, a dog or a cat, and your own child will want to limit herself to the genes of your wife's grandmother. But, of course, no one owes anything to anyone.
In general, a woman with a child is shrouded in a whole swarm of various stereotypes. In reality, most of them are caused by far-fetched fears and have no rationale. I will try to dispel the most popular ones.
Stereotype 1: a woman is always to blame for divorce.
Some men are used to thinking that something is wrong in a divorced woman by default - she destroyed a previous marriage.
People break up, it happens. They realized that they were wrong, in a hurry, or a million more reasons.
Most divorces occur in the first year after the birth of a child: not everyone can withstand sleepless nights with colic and growing teeth.
As the ex-husband of a close friend of mine said when their child was not even a year old: “I realized that I am more comfortable alone”. And he sent with things to my mother.
Or a man may suddenly meet another. While the wife is rocking the screaming child for days, forgetting to comb and wash, the neglected husband suddenly realizes that he is simply not ready for all this or that he has other interests. And he switches to the accountant Lena, who is always in a great mood and heels as tall as a skyscraper.
If the initiator of the breakup was a woman with children, most likely, by that moment she had already had time to "sip in full". First of all, a woman thinks about how the divorce will affect the child. And if she goes for it, it really was impossible in another way: most likely, the last thread of trained and seasoned patience has broken.
A man who marries a woman with a child automatically receives a huge bonus: firstly, he clearly wins against the background of the previous “gentleman”, and, secondly, he receives endless gratitude from the woman.
Many men think that by marrying a woman with a child, they will be deprived of the necessary authority, as they are part of an already established family with firmly established rules.
Any woman, the strongest and most independent outwardly, needs a strong male shoulder. Even if she runs a company with ten thousand employees, at home she wants to be decided and given dresses for her.
A woman who already has a child has learned a lot to compromise, become more tolerant and less selfish. Perhaps that is why younger children are often much calmer and more cheerful.
Several years ago I worked as a photographer at a wedding. It was easy to work: the young ones - Lena and Dima - turned out to be very nice guys, they joked all the time and offered original ideas for shooting.
At one time, Lena came to conquer Moscow, leaving her little son with her mother - there was no work in her hometown, and without a husband she had to somehow survive.
I found a job, built a career, and after a while I was able to transport my mother and son. I bought an apartment, a good car, and sent my son to a prestigious gymnasium.
When we were driving to a restaurant, and Lena's mother began to take an interest in some organizational wedding issues, Lena calmly said: “Mom, Dima rules everything. I am so tired in my life to steer everything, now he will be. "
By the way, Lena is six years older than Dima. It seems that everything is fine with them: they post photos from their travels, gave birth to their second child.
Stereotype 3: a woman with a child only needs a supplier of supplies.
A woman with a child somehow managed to exist before. Maybe due to good alimony, or maybe she learned how to make good money herself.
And material suppliers are usually looked for by those whose Instagram is packed with selfies in luxury toilets, and whose open designer blouses show silicone breasts.
Mercantile spirit does not depend on the child in any way, but it is always accompanied by a lack of culture, decency and upbringing - all this, however, is easy to calculate already in the first minutes of acquaintance. The main thing is to pay more attention to what she says when choosing your only one, and not to the length of the legs.
Stereotype 4: a child cannot be raised because he has a father.
Unfortunately, in our country, after a divorce, most fathers delete their own children from their lives, as if a solved problem is on the list of planned cases. They do not take any part in upbringing, lulling the conscience with regularly paid alimony and communication on Skype.
I know of only one case when, after the divorce, the father continued to deal with the child. Just one case out of dozens!
I don't know why this is happening, and I don't want to blame anyone: everyone has different situations and their own reasons. The fact remains: ending a relationship with a woman, a man, as a rule, moves away from a child.
Stereotype 5: a strange child is a terrible alien with whom you don't know what to do.
Many men are afraid of not finding a common language with the children of the woman they like. A common language is usually difficult to find with a mother-in-law, or, at worst, with a mother-in-law. Many years of experience in traveling to orphanages convinced me that an approach can be found for all children, without exception.
What to do? Launch helicopters, assemble a constructor, play football, braid dolls, build sand castles, construct airplanes, watch cartoons, catch beetles and study birds, ride attractions, go to various interesting exhibitions and joke, joke and joke again.
Children are very sensitive to lies, do not recognize hypocrisy and pretense. Conversely, the most difficult character responds to respect and genuine interest. Of course, it may take time for a child to get used to new conditions. But even the most frightened hedgehog hides its thorns when it sees a manifestation of real care and concern.
Stereotype 6: you will never love someone else's child like your own.
Couples with children of their own and making decisions about adoption go through seven circles of hell collecting a million papers and certificates; and when the child finally gets into the family, they go through a long and painful period of adaptation with him. If, after a few years, you ask them whom they love more - their own children or foster children, they will not be able to answer sincerely (this is, of course, not about those who return the child to the orphanage).
Or here's another example: if a person who loves animals gets a dog, he will love this dog, despite the lack of relationship (and gnawed shoes).
But seriously, a child is a miracle and happiness, even if his blood does not contain your DNA, but he learned to take the first steps and speak without you. The child will teach you to rediscover this world: to enjoy simple things, believe in miracles and notice the beauty around; will make you wiser, kinder and softer.
Love doesn't depend on DNA. Love is an action, it is a conscious decision to give without expecting anything in return.
Of course, everyone chooses what is right for him. The most important thing is not to listen to anyone or anything except your inner voice.
So if the woman you truly love and dream of starting a family with already has a child, you're really lucky.
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