The child has things that you did not buy him and which he obviously cannot have. And immediately comes an understanding of where he got them from - without asking, on the sly, that is, he stole them. Having experienced a state of shock, waiting for the gift of speech to return, parents most often immediately unleash a flurry of righteous anger on the guilty offspring. Usually, clarifications, accusations, reproaches, and abuse follow. The stress goes off scale for all participants in this action. And as a result, hopelessness, lack of a way out of this situation.
It shouldn't be like that. Parents are adults who love their child, and therefore, having come to their senses after the shock of realizing what happened and the possible consequences, they are obliged to carefully think over their words, actions and options for resolving this situation. A way out must be found.
When a child takes other people's things, most often, he perfectly understands that this is a bad, reprehensible act. Moreover, he is criminally punishable. But I really wanted to have what he took on the sly, and to comfort himself, the child came up with all sorts of explanations for his unseemly act: the one from whom he took it has a lot of this, so he will not notice the loss, or the thing is no longer needed by the owner, or I will use it and return it ... Having thus agreed with his conscience, having justified his wrongdoing, he makes such misdeeds possible in the future. Therefore, such a fault cannot be ignored.
The reason for the theft may be the desire to be “your own” in the company, to have a thing that almost all classmates or acquaintances have and which is the criterion for dividing into “friends” and “strangers”. But he does not have it, and therefore he feels uncomfortable, restrained.
Shouts, accusations, threats will not help here. The child will simply come to the conclusion that he did not hide the thing from his parents well, next time he will be smarter, more cunning and more careful. Is this what excited caring mums and dads want?
The child must understand that it is impossible to do this, even if he really wants to have something. To which he will object: you don’t buy it for me, but all my friends have it. Thus, he wants to convey to you the idea that without this thing he is either not accepted into the desired society, or they look at him with regret, sympathy, he feels lonely and flawed.
There is a long difficult conversation about good and evil, I want and can have. If you really want to have something, and parents cannot buy it for some reason, then you need to look for affordable ways to make money. Explain to your child that you can find a way out of this situation, you just need to make an effort. But without difficulty, as you know, you can't catch a fish from a pond. But what you want will be acquired in an honest way and you will not have to hide it.
The main job of a student is to study as best as possible. Let him work in this field. Agree that you will give him a certain amount for grades higher than those already available. For winning places in Olympiads, sports competitions - too.
Use the child's desire to have what he wants in fostering the desire to achieve significant results not only in school, but also in courses, circles, in music and art schools. Then attending these additional classes will turn from a punishment into a motivated desire to master the knowledge and skills that are taught there as efficiently and quickly as possible, and use them for your own benefit.
For example, studying in computer courses? Let him advertise that he will repair the computer, teach the basics of working on it, create a program, a website, etc.
Goes to music school? So do not pull the cat by the tail, do not learn from threes and deuces, but master the subtleties of playing the selected instrument. Then, as a gift for prizes in competitions, concerts, you can ask for the desired thing. Or you can play outside. Why not? A child does not steal money from passers-by, they themselves give it to him, that is, he earns it. At the same time, the child is also engaged in music, polishes his skills.
The same goes for the art school. You can also sell your paintings, for example, at fairs, via the Internet, etc. But for this you need to study diligently, master the secrets of mastery, maybe even additionally, in addition to the art school.
And then the child comes to understand that his parents forced him to study both at school and in courses, in circles, not out of harm, not in order to load him as much as possible. No, they wanted to give him more opportunities to diversify himself, his creative abilities, to become an independent and self-sufficient person, to be able to earn money.
After discussing the possibilities of honestly buying an item you like in the future, decide what to do in the current difficult situation. The thing must be returned. Definitely. This is non-negotiable. However, how?
Some are inclined to believe that a child should come to someone from whom he borrowed a thing without permission, return it and ask for forgiveness.
However, is it always worth subjecting a child's fragile psyche to such a shock test? And what are the possible consequences of such "quixotism"? It is adults who can understand such an act, appreciate it and forgive the offender. Children can be very cruel. They either have everything black or white. Took it without asking - they will always think that the child is able to repeat his "feat" at any convenient moment. And if, nevertheless, he behaves honestly and is no longer noticed in such an offense? Children will tell you that he just has not yet turned up a thing that he would like to appropriate. In addition, they will tell all their friends, and they, too, will look askance at him.
It all depends on the situation. You can confess to your home. They know the child well and will kindly and sincerely forgive and forget about what they have done. But to outsiders ... Most likely, just put it in place as imperceptibly as it took.
The fact that such an incident happens to almost all children - they bring home, at least once, other people's things - suggests that you need to start studying the subject of social science as early as possible. And to pass the obligatory OGE and USE in this subject, and not in mathematics, which for many graduates even for exams remains incomprehensible and alien. Moreover, many will never encounter it after school, but they have to live in society, and they need to clearly understand what is possible and what is not.
Quarrels and tears in playgrounds over toys are not uncommon. Especially if the sandbox is full of people - the idyllic picture of children playing each with their own toys is usually drawn only in my mother's imagination. Someone does not pay attention to children's showdowns, believing that the kids themselves will eventually learn to share their things. Someone, on the contrary, actively intervenes, explaining to one and a half-year-old toddlers who still do not even know how to say that they need to ask other people's toys, and share their own. How and when to start explaining where one's own and where someone else's, how to resolve conflicts in a sandbox - we talk about this with Olga Zaitseva, a teacher-psychologist at the Center for Social and Psychological Assistance to Family and Children "Family".
When a child is born, for him the whole world is himself. When he turns 9 months old, his mother suddenly notices that the child is deliberately starting to throw toys on the floor. When a child throws a toy and it rolls up under the bed, this is his way of knowing that there is something outside of himself in this world, before that the world is merged. A fallen toy causes a feeling of surprise in a child that, it turns out, there is something that is not I. In a year, the child already recognizes himself in the mirror, but only by 3-4 years there is a more or less stable feeling that things can him do not belong. And up to three years old, before the formation of self-consciousness, children simply do not have the concept of “ours” and “aliens”. Therefore, a child of one and a half years in the sandbox easily gives up his toys, and just as easily takes someone else's, this is a natural behavior.
At two years old, we can already begin to form the volitional component of character. The word "must" appears in the lexicon. We tell the child, for example, that we need to give someone else's toy and turn his attention to something else. We set the boundaries of what is permitted - you can take this machine for a while, if its owner does not mind, but then it will need to be given away. Nevertheless, due to the age characteristics, the child will not hesitate to take other people's toys - he is still convinced that everything in this world belongs to him. And only persistent reminders from adults can dissuade him of this.
At the age of three, the child begins to distinguish where his things are, and where someone else's. If the baby easily communicates with other children, he is already able to ask a friend for a toy or offer to change. If he takes toys from others by force, again we mark the border: this cannot be done. Closer to 4-5 years old, we begin to focus on the feelings of the offended child - you see how the boy cries, the boy feels bad, that is, we begin emotional education.
And only at the age of 4-5 years the child is already well aware of the difference between his own and someone else's, he can be taught to share consciously - not to force, but to teach.
- How should parents behave when a conflict is brewing due to the fact that one child, not listening to the moralizing that someone else's is forbidden, demands the toy he likes, and the other does not want to share?
If conflicts arise, the simplest thing is to invite the children to exchange toys, offer the one who took the toy their own in return, or set a queue for whom and how much to play with these toys. If the child does not calm down, switch his attention to something else, no less interesting. A two- or three-year-old child can be quite distracted, you just need to turn on the fantasy.
Sometimes we just had to leave the site, because it was not possible to resolve the conflict peacefully.
For yourself, as a mother, you were looking for a way to teach your child to feel the boundary between your own and someone else's. This way it was that if the child does not hear persuasion, does not switch, continues to offend other children, taking away their toys, then you took him out of this contact and generally took him out of the game at that moment.
It should be noted that if everything is fine at home, the motivational-need sphere is normal and the child satisfies his needs for something else, then such an insane need to take someone else's toy is constant, stable, that you cannot wean him in any way, in principle must not be. But the individual characteristics of children are different, there are children who are stuck, and there are mobile, mobile. For a child who is stuck, training will take longer, and for a mobile, faster. You showed your bright toy: let's play with it, and I came up with a new interesting game, and what if I put the doll in the car, and if we put those beautiful leaves over there ... An emotionally labile child will switch faster. Option - the mechanism, how you achieve this, but the meaning is the same: you were looking for a way to teach a child to put the border between your own and someone else's.
Towards the end of the middle preschool age - 5-6 years - the child has HIS own things and the right to do whatever he wants with them. And if they gave him a doll or a car and said that it was his, and did not set any restrictions that it could not be disassembled into parts or thrown out the window or given to Petka from a nearby entrance, then he has the right to disassemble into parts, throw out the window and donate. And it is here that a clear boundary between Mine and the Other arises, because the child has a feeling in relation to his own things, and the right to dispose of them.
At primary school age, we begin to give the child pocket money. True, here parents can put a limit: this is your money, but I do not allow you to buy this and that with it (something dangerous or harmful). For example, I know of a case when a child took things and money without asking - from classmates, in a family. And when the psychologist started talking to the parents about giving the child pocket money, they said: what if he buys matches and sets fire to the curtains. That is, the fear of adults that this money would be used for some terrible deeds led to the fact that the child was not given money, but he wanted to have it, and he did not know how to dispose of it. And if he does not have his own, he will not understand someone else's.
Natalya Ivanova specially for the site SimMama.ru
Almost every child at least once in his life tries to take a thing he likes that does not belong to him. In many respects, the reaction of adults depends on what this situation will become for the child - a new step in understanding the boundaries and rules of human communication or the idea of \u200b\u200boneself as a criminal.
Usually, parents understand theft as virtually every case when their child (especially an adopted one!) Takes someone else's thing without asking. It is very important for adults to remember that theft as such has a number of fundamental features, which will be discussed below, and there is no need to rush with “labels” and tragic conclusions.
Why a child takes someone else's: 8 reasons
There may be many reasons why a child takes things or values \u200b\u200bthat do not belong to him without asking. Let's call them.
Lack of awareness. Until a certain age, children do not know the concepts of "theirs" and "others". If none of the adults specifically set the task of teaching a child to follow the rule "someone else's can not be taken without demand", then up to entering the wider social reality (usually school age), the child may have very vague ideas about "property".
Children growing up in an orphanage do not have "their own" and, accordingly, do not understand what is "alien". With a social order of life, everything around is common, therefore, taking without permission does not at all mean “stealing”. On the contrary, "who took the first, that and the slippers." In addition, children from an orphanage or from a dysfunctional family have different ideas about money, its value and where it comes from than their foster parents. Differences in perceptions, experiences and moral standards lead to the fact that from the point of view of the child it will be incomprehensible to the strength of the experiences of the foster family if he “just took” what he liked.
Kleptomania, which some parents fear when they hear about such a mental disorder, is not a feature of children from disadvantaged families, but a disease. This disease is quite rare, genetically not inherited and not dependent on social origin. Psychiatrists diagnose him. For many years of practice of working with foster children, the authors of this book have never encountered it, although quite a lot they dealt with neurotic and other forms of "child theft".
Neurotic theft. Theft of this type can occur in children who have experienced psychological trauma, are not confident in their current situation, fear the future, and have low self-esteem. This is an attempt to fill in the black hole of anxiety caused by a lack of love in the past, usually in early childhood.
The pleasure associated with a sense of risk, excitement and appropriation of the desired temporarily fills the inner void. But since this is only a substitute for a real need, it does not saturate for long. After the experienced emotions, the desired calming occurs, the anxiety releases for a while. However, it later reappears, aggravated by feelings of guilt and the feeling that "I am bad."
In some cases, children in families in which there is a bad relationship between parents, unconsciously may use "difficult behavior", including theft, as a way to unite parents.
Demonstrative theft. The child deliberately violates the prohibition not to take anything, although he perfectly understands that he will get caught - he seems to be doing "out of spite". After revealing the theft, he behaves defiantly, is rude, unlocks, lies in the eyes. Most likely, this is the so-called “protest behavior”. Perhaps the child is testing boundaries: what will the adults do? And at the same time he challenges them: "And you won't do anything with me!" This is a kind of struggle for control, an attempt to measure strength with adults.
Some children, during the period of adaptation in a foster family, can thus check the boundaries and the degree of reliability of the relationship: whether he will be returned from the family to an orphanage. Moreover, for some, this is backed up by real experience, when they were rejected for such misconduct.
It is also possible that the child in this way "knocks out" special attention to himself. Some children, deprived of love and care, find that the only way to get an adult's attention is to make them angry. Punishment scares them less than indifference. Moreover, for indifference, they sometimes take the usual restraint, especially if they are used to shouting and beatings.
Increase in importance. Sometimes children associate the presence of any things with a sense of their own worth, self-confidence. Envy of things is a manifestation of a sense of self-inferiority, which is often the case in children rejected by blood parents. In a teenage environment, there are strict rules: if you do not have what “all of ours” have, you are a “sucker”, an outcast, “white crow”. That is, for teenagers, having something is also a way to avoid ridicule and bullying, which they are afraid of in a panic. If a child with a happy childhood and a strong home "rear" behind his back is more often able to cope with such a situation, then the adopted child gives in to social rejection.
Blackmail. Stronger peers or older children can force a child to steal. This can be both a condition for admission to a group ("are you weak ?!", "Are you a little boy, mama's son?"), And direct threats of physical violence, which the child can buy off with money or things.
Learning. Children living in dysfunctional families do what adults do. For example, if the adults were engaged in theft, then for the child it was a normal life situation.
In addition, for children, the repetition of the actions of blood parents in some cases can be a way to preserve family identity, attachment to their family: "I am acting like a dad."
Actually theft can be considered a planned appropriation of someone else's property for the sake of its material value, in the case when a person knows about the social and moral prohibition on such actions, realizes the degree of harm to victims of theft and the possibility of punishment for himself. It is also important to consider a person's age and their ability to understand and control their actions.
Why does the adopted child steal
It turns out that in many cases, when a child takes someone else's, this is not theft. The worries of adults can be caused not so much by the child's act itself as by their own fears or peculiarities of the social situation, for example, when others condemn the family and the child.
Fears that theft is connected precisely with the fact that the child is adopted are well founded. Only. Moral development is directly related to the experience of successful attachment. The “voice of conscience” is based not so much on the fear of punishment as the fear of losing love and respect for loved ones, as well as the ability to sympathize with other people.
The majority of children who are brought up in well-to-do families of their own, by the age of preschool age, know that such things are “allowed” and “not allowed”, “good” and “bad”. However, at first, they simply "don't want to upset mom," "don't want to quarrel with dad." Children become capable of following moral norms independently and consciously, according to the “internal law of conscience,” much later, by about 12 years of age.
In addition, the ability to control oneself, one's spontaneous urges, including to take what is desired, is also formed around this age. This is due not only to the social and intellectual development of the child, but also to the development of his nervous system.
If a child's early childhood was dysfunctional, there are delays in the development of conscience: it is difficult for him to sympathize with others and cherish their feelings, because he did not have such an experience. He did not have a relationship that he would cherish more than anything else, so the momentary value of the thing he liked is in the foreground.
Delays in intellectual development, increased anxiety and instability of the nervous system - this and all of the above means that for adopted children it may take, firstly, much more time to learn the correct behavior, and secondly, external control with sides of adults. Control does not mean suspicion and hostility towards the child, but the creation of a system of clear requirements and support for the child in the process of learning new rules of life.
In addition, if the reason for the appropriation of someone else's is not commercialism, but other reasons described above, it is necessary to fight not with the external manifestation of the problem, but with its source. Solve the problems of neuroticism, loss, the child's desire to keep in touch with his blood family, etc. Then the problem of "theft" will eventually disappear as unnecessary, since another, more successful way of solving the real difficulties that existed in the child's life will be found.
The child was caught stealing. What should parents do?
Be aware of the real effect of your actions. When faced with difficult child behavior, especially on a day-to-day basis, adults can experience different feelings and sometimes even break down. But when it comes to the conscious behavior of an adult, you need to ask yourself: what is my goal? What information will my child receive from me? Physical abuse certainly teaches the child that it is better not to get caught in their wrongdoing, and that when parents are angry, they scream and fight. But this will not teach the child to understand why it is impossible to steal. And even more so it will not teach him not to do this. Rather, he will learn to more carefully hide his misdeeds from specific people. Therefore, after any emotional outburst, you need to start planning the formation of changes in the child's behavior.
Collect complete and unbiased information about what happened. Unfortunately, there is a preconceived attitude towards children from the orphanage, and the child can be unfairly accused.
Remember that a child who has committed an offense is not a criminal. What happened is a chance for him to master some important rules of human society. Hanging "labels" leads to "social hypnosis", depriving the child of choice in the future: after all, he is already a thief, what is there to think about?
Look for real reasons. Try to understand what this situation is from the point of view of the child, what his intentions were and how he understands the result. To do this, you need to listen carefully and calmly. It is also important to know the life history of the child, because in addition to how the child himself explains his behavior, objective problems and developmental characteristics matter.
Consider the age and developmental characteristics of the child. Often adults are tolerant of the fact that a child is lagging behind in growth or learning, but cannot tolerate a delay in the development of conscience. In fact, this is the same development zone as the others. A child whose biological age is 12 years old can be morally 6 years old. And the parents who are engaged in it will have to proceed in their actions from this reality.
Explain to the child in detail and clearly what exactly is wrong with his act. Why can't you take someone else's without asking, even if you want. Tell directly or through fairy tales / a game what the person from whom something was stolen feels: humiliation, offense, how bad he is. What is lost in relationships with people who take someone else's. Explain that the desire to take someone else's visit in childhood all people, and how people overcome it, etc.
Offer a way out of the situation. Compensation for moral and material damage (as far as possible) for the victims. It is imperative to ask for forgiveness with the child (explaining why!), While not shaming publicly and not leaving him alone in this situation. Find a way how the child himself can compensate for the damage done: return it, make a new one with his own hands, give his own in exchange for wasted, etc.
Express confidence (not to demand promises, not to threaten, but to express firm confidence) that in the future the child will learn to cope with the temptation to take someone else's. It is very important that parents clearly express their position: “You are our child. We are bad about this particular action, but not about you. You are dear to us, so we will strive for you to learn how to act differently. "
Express respect for property by their own behavior, including the things of the child himself, ask permission, do not rummage through his things. And not to provoke the child, leaving money and valuables in a conspicuous place until there is confidence that the child has learned to cope with the situation.
Solve the child's real problems behind the theft. If parents cannot understand what drives the child, it is worth contacting a child psychologist.
Believe in your child. Being on his side does not mean denying the problem, but testifies to the fact that the child himself and the relationship with him for the parents is more important than individual, even serious problems in his behavior.
If you find something that does not belong to your child in your child's toys, do not rush to grab the belt.
As soon as she came from the street, Anya took a doll in a bright dress out of her jacket pocket, and, having entered into conversation with her, moved into the nursery. Neither the mother nor the father of this beauty bought her. "Whose doll is this?" - "My!" - not being distracted from the game, answered the daughter.
Why not?
Even the calmest parents are shocked when they suddenly discover that their baby took something without asking at a party or took it away from the kindergarten. This is immediately followed by scandal, tears, righteous anger, gloomy thoughts about the future of the child. There really is something to think about here, but without unnecessary tragedy.
I have already said that small children in the game can exchange toys with each other as if they were shared toys and at the same time belong to each of them. After all, the child does not doubt that if a thing is in front of his eyes and can be reached, and even more so to play, then it is his. The idea of \u200b\u200bwhat is "mine" and "someone else's" appears in a little person, as a rule, after three years. Until then, child stealing is not actually stealing at all.
Well, tell me, is the thief a four-year-old boy who, in a sincere friendly impulse, gave his friend the most beautiful disc from your, dad, audio collection? And the kid, who calmly put a plastic soldier dropped by his neighbor in the sandbox into his pocket? He just wants to have what belongs to another and sincerely does not understand why this problem cannot be solved this way and why he is scolded for it.
The child is simply not yet familiar with the generally accepted rules and norms of behavior, the parents, unfortunately, have not yet found the time to tell him that taking the wrong thing means stealing, which is very bad. If you explain all this in time, for the very first time you noticed, then there is a high probability that from this time he will at least start asking if he can take the toy he likes. That way, you may be able to end the problem in the bud.
Attention at any cost
But it happens that a child (as a rule, this is already a child who has left infancy), putting someone else's thing in his pocket without asking, realizes that he is doing something bad. The main thing that parents need to do is try to understand the reasons for what happened and act in accordance with what they understood. After all, the psychology of child "theft" is simple: in this way the child compensates for the lack of something. But what exactly, and parents have to find out.
The main incentive to take someone else's is, of course, the strongest, invincible desire to have the thing you like, sometimes contrary to the voice of conscience. The child may understand that he is doing wrong, but the power of the temptation is great, and he cannot resist. He realizes that he is harming another, but he finds all sorts of excuses for his action - "Seryozha has so many things," "they will buy me tomorrow, and I will return him," "and they will not notice anything," etc.
You really, it happens, do not notice how coins of various denominations disappear from your wallet, individual books from the rack, and discs from the shelf. You have a lot of things to do, you bring home money, you do not care about trifles. Do you notice, in principle, how your child is growing, are you able to see for yourself that hands stick out almost to the elbows from the sweater bought last year? Do you notice how with an envious look he sees off his peers with ice cream in his hands?
But once you notice the loss, you turn into a merciless punishing sword. So this is what the child wanted! After all, he simply does not have enough of you, your attention, your real participation in his life. Yes, working hard, you care about him too, but this is far from him, he does not see it. And the stronger your anger is, the more often it will want at least such visible, your attention. The child is perhaps least interested in the property benefit of his action. And the money taken from you, the sweets bought on them, for him is simply a symbol of substitution for parental love.
And further. If the child is not doing well at home, he will seek solace outside of him, among his peers. And in order to win their respect, he will be ready for many things, including taking money from you without asking in order to “bribe” peers who agree to communicate with him only if he has sweets or toys. Did you know that he is lonely in the yard and at school, that he cannot communicate, cannot be friends? And who should have taught him this?
You're together!
And now you are beside yourself, you are in a panic - the child took someone else's!
Before you start to understand, please remember that this is not a recidivist thief, but your son or daughter. So, you need to be extremely careful in words, whatever you suspect him of! Psychologists believe that parents should always proceed from the iron rule - never accuse a child of stealing, even if, besides him, there was no one else to “steal”. The exception, as psychologist Marina Kravtsova writes, is when you find him at the scene of a crime, but in this case you need to choose expressions, because sometimes even one overly tough conversation on this topic is enough to engender an inferiority complex in a child that will poison his life.
But in this case, one should not inflate what happened to the scale of a catastrophe, as well as pretend that nothing happened.
Yes, you are upset, angry, but still try to keep calm. Accusations, let alone assault, will never solve the problem (as well as the question: "Why did you do this?" Will not receive a clear answer), and the child will continue to do his own thing, and deceive you in order to avoid punishment. After properly assessing what happened, talk to him calmly and confidentially.
A little man rarely thinks about the consequences of theft. Try to put him in the place of the victim, let him remember how it hurt him when they took his things without asking. An older child can be asked: "Imagine you discovered that money was stolen from your wallet. What would you say to this person?" Talking about honesty with schoolchildren, I'm afraid, won't be enough. Tell them about the consequences of their action, such as the loss of friends, a bad reputation, and possible future recruitment to the police.
With regard to the return of the "stolen", some psychologists advise parents to insist that the child do it himself and openly: an apology, proceedings with the possible participation of the victim's parents - all these unpleasant procedures will be remembered by him and will prevent the repetition of the incident. I am in favor of less shock therapy: it is worth trying to quietly (being in the same guests) put the thing in its place or go to return it with the child and help him with explanations: the parents of the "thief", I believe, should share responsibility for what happened. The child will appreciate it, I assure you!
And generally, less theory, less moralizing. An emergency has happened, sort it out, you are a parent and should be with your child together, both soul and thoughts! And not only in moments of catharsis, but constantly, warning catharsis. A child who does not receive the skills of trusting, loving communication in the family is unlikely to have a prosperous fate.
Love versus theft
The tendency to steal in children CANNOT be cured by punishment. It is true that society is taught to respect the law by resorting to harsh measures. But it is also true that none of them apply to a child of preschool age: according to the law, he is not yet able to take responsibility for his actions. And parents will do the right thing if they take the same position. And they will consider the manifestations of theft in a child an irresponsible act. Theft is "cured" not only by suggestion and assessment of the baby's behavior. It is also important to conduct the conversation in such a way that he wants to understand you and agree with your opinion.
Only when the child feels that his parents love him and he truly loves them, only then he wants to be like them and imitate them. No calls for limiting desires affect him. This is why it is so important that he has a good opinion of his parents.
We will return to the owner what the child took away, we will try to find out what the child lacks at home, we will do our best to give him what he lacks. It is very important that good relations develop between parents and children. Then it will be possible to instill in the child the idea of \u200b\u200btrue decency and honesty.
E. Fromm, "ABC for Parents"
Why do they do this
The problem of child theft has not been sufficiently studied by psychologists; material on this topic is presented mainly in the form of scattered articles. There is especially little information about such difficulties in the behavior of wealthy children, and not of juvenile offenders registered with the police. Faced in my practice with several cases of theft, I began to collect the necessary psychological information bit by bit.
Child theft is one of the so-called “shameful” problems. Parents are most often embarrassed to talk about this topic, it is not easy for them to admit to a psychologist that their child has committed a “terrible” offense - he stole money or some thing that they perceive as evidence of his “incurable” immorality. "In our family, no one has ever done anything like this!" - you often hear from shocked parents who think that the future of such a child is extremely criminal. Although in most cases, in fact, everything is not so scary.
Let's try to understand the psychological causes of child theft. And consider the possible options for the behavior of parents in a given situation.
Why are they stealing?
Almost every one of us, at least once in our life, experienced a strong desire to appropriate something that does not belong to him. How many people could not resist the temptation and committed theft - we will never know. Even the closest people are rarely told about such misconduct.
The famous American actress Nicole Kidman stole a Barbie doll from a store at the age of five. She and her sister passionately dreamed about this doll, and although their parents were so rich that they could buy them an entire store with dolls, Nicole's mother - an ardent feminist - was categorically against these toys, considering their appearance on the market offensive for women. And Nicole had no choice but to steal the much-desired doll. This is how journalists tell about it. Unfortunately, we do not know what feelings the future actress felt at the same time, nor how her parents reacted to her act, but we certainly know that, despite this offense, she did not become a thief.
A person comprehends moral norms gradually, in the process of development.
A very young child distinguishes between good and bad only due to the reaction to his actions of his parents, who, first of all, by facial expressions and intonation, make him understand what kind of behavior they encourage and what not.
It is no coincidence that it makes sense to punish a child only when he is able to understand why he was punished. Hardly anyone will be shocked by a kid trying to get away from a walk, taking someone else's toy. A small child does not yet realize what property is. The kid actively explores his environment, and the whole world "belongs" to him. He took someone else's toy, because he really liked it, while he completely forgot about his own toys.
The idea of \u200b\u200bwhat is "mine" and "alien" appears in a child after three years, when he begins to develop self-awareness. No one would ever think of calling a two-three-year-old kid a thief. The appropriated thing will be taken away from him, and he will be mildly chided, pointing out that "this is Petenkin's toy, you shouldn't take it without asking." But the older the child is, the more likely that such an act will be regarded as an attempt to appropriate someone else's, in other words, as "theft." The age of the child in such a situation is indisputable evidence of the awareness of what is being done, although this is not always true (psychologists know cases when children of seven or eight years old did not realize that by appropriating someone else's thing, they violate generally accepted norms, as well as when five-year-old children, committing theft, perfectly understood that they were doing badly). Is it possible, for example, to consider a five-year-old toddler as a thief who, feeling great sympathy for his peer, gave her all her mother's gold jewelry? The boy believed that these jewelry belonged to him as well as to his mother.
Often the parents themselves are to blame for such antisocial behavior of the child, who did not explain to him the difference between the concepts of "ours" and "others". Children with a poorly developed will, irresponsible, unable to empathize and put themselves in the place of another, also commit such offenses.
In preschool age, the child tries on various social roles, including the roles of negative characters, copying their behavior in games (for the benefit of role models, a lot is offered: both on television and the world around them). Observing real and "cinematic" life, a child can make a choice of what to be himself. Often, behavior that is immoral from the point of view of normal society is not presented as such in films; the ability to steal something, to fool someone is elevated to valor. This is also facilitated by the so-called thieves' subculture, which is increasingly penetrating into our life (songs that sound from all kiosks, films, heroes of various show programs, anecdotes). Our children observe all this from an early age and perceive much more than we can imagine.
At primary school age, a child finds himself in a situation of constant assessment, and not only from adults (primarily teachers), but also from classmates, whose assessments gradually become more significant for the child than ordinary school ones, and sometimes more important than the opinion of parents ... It is at this age that the child's moral development, the assimilation of social norms, is most actively taking place, the moral foundation of the personality is laid. Now everything depends on the scale of the offered values. To gain popularity and respect of peers, a child is ready for a lot, especially one who is not all well at home.
If the parents are always busy, they don't care about the problems and interests of the child, if they treat him coldly, reject him, then the child will more actively seek solace outside the family, and here - how lucky, what kind of company will come across. A child who has not received the skill of confidential communication in the family is unlikely to get into a prosperous company.
First of all, let's figure out why our children commit “theft”.
Conventionally, three reasons for child theft can be distinguished:
- Lack of development of will and moral ideas.
- Serious psychological dissatisfaction of the child.
- Strong desire to own the thing you like, despite the "voice" of conscience.
A child with a poorly developed will and moral standards
In the book of N.I. Gutkina "Several cases from the practice of a school psychologist" gives two examples illustrating this reason for theft. In the first case, a first-grader boy took a wristwatch from a classmate. Mom accidentally discovered them when she was sorting out her son's clothes. When the parents asked where he got this thing, the child replied that it was a gift from a classmate. And only "backed against the wall" by the facts (that no one had given him this watch), the boy admitted that he took it without asking, and lied to his parents, fearing punishment (his father often used a belt for educational purposes).
In the second case, the second grader hid in his briefcase two other people's cheese curds given out for breakfast. When the loss of cheese was discovered and the witnesses of the misdemeanor pointed to the boy, he said that he did it because another classmate had taken his breakfast from him.
Both of these cases are similar in that children experience a strong desire to get this or that thing, while not even thinking about the essence and consequences of their act. N.I. Gugkina calls this behavior "situational", when the desire to possess an object turns out to be stronger than all other desires and thoughts. In addition, the first boy had little idea of \u200b\u200bwhat “property” was (he easily parted with the things belonging to him and treated other people's things in the same way, apparently not understanding what “someone else's” meant). The second boy had problems controlling his own behavior, it was difficult for him to concentrate on something for a long time. He almost could not consciously control his behavior, each time finding himself "at the mercy of one or another object that caught his eye, and in a situation when his breakfast was taken away from him, the attractive force of the cheese increased even more."
It is the weak development of will and moral ideas that distinguishes the heroes of the situations described and the like. Such children do not think about the consequences of their behavior, they cannot put themselves in the place of the "victim", do not represent her feelings. Until they are called to account, they often do not even realize that they have done something reprehensible.
Often, such behavior of children is the result of a serious gap in their moral education. From an early age it is necessary to explain to a child what someone else's property is, that it is impossible to take someone else's without permission, talk about the experiences of a person who has lost some thing. It is very useful to discuss with the child various situations related to violation or observance of moral standards. For example, my practice shows that children of 6-7 years old are strongly impressed by N. Nosov's story "Cucumbers". Let me remind you of the content of this story. A preschool boy stole cucumbers from a collective farm field for the company with his older friend. The friend, however, did not carry the cucumbers home, as he feared punishment, but gave them all to the boy. The boy's mother was very angry with her son and ordered to take the cucumbers back, which he did after much hesitation. When the boy gave the cucumbers to the caretaker) "and learned that there was nothing wrong with eating one cucumber, he felt very good and easy on his soul.
The child's special attention should be paid to the opportunity to correct what he has done, to the need to bear responsibility for his actions, to the pangs of conscience and to the relief experienced as a result of resolving the situation.
By the way, another problem is raised in the same story. When mom tells her son to return the cucumbers, he refuses, fearing that the watchman will shoot him. To which the mother says that it would be better for her to have no son than a son-thief. In my opinion, such "shock therapy" is not always effective and quite dangerous in the case of emotionally excitable children. Leaving the child alone with the wrongdoing, renouncing it, we can only aggravate the problem, causing, instead of remorse, despair and a desire to leave everything as it is or make it worse.
Share the responsibility with the child, help him to correct the situation, and let him learn about such radical measures from books and be glad that his parents will not leave him in trouble.
We will talk in more detail about why it is necessary to "stand on ceremony" with a child who has committed a theft, in the next chapter.
Psychologically disadvantaged child
I refer to this type of theft as situations where a child can steal money or some thing belonging to his relatives or close family friends. Most often, this kind of theft is committed by adolescents and younger schoolchildren, although the origins of this behavior can be found in early childhood. Usually, in the course of a conversation with parents, it turns out that, being small, the child has already committed theft. But then he was "sorted out" with home remedies (unfortunately, often very humiliating for a child). And only now, realizing that the situation was getting out of control, the parents decided to seek help from a psychologist.
Years of experience working with children stealing at home suggests that stealing is a signal of emotional distress in the family, dissatisfaction with some vital needs of the child. One eight-year-old girl hid and threw away her little brother's belongings. She committed these thefts, because in the family more attention was paid to her son, hopes were pinned on him, and although she studied very well, she could not become the best in the class. The girl closed herself in, she had no close relationship with anyone in the class, and her only friend was her pet rat, to which she confided all her sorrows and joys. The reasons for her theft were parental coldness towards her and, as a consequence, jealousy and a desire to take revenge on her pet, her younger brother.
Unfortunately, parents are particularly worried only when theft begins to spread outside the family. But even the very first such act of a child is a reason to think about whether everything is in order, whether the child is experiencing discomfort in the family. Research by the psychologist E.Kh. Davydova, conducted in the families of stealing children, showed that theft is a child's reaction to traumatic circumstances.
My own experience with stealing children confirms that there is an emotional coldness between relatives in their families. The child either feels that he is not loved, or experienced a divorce in early childhood, and although the relationship with the father may persist, he observes alienation and sometimes hostility between the parents.
E.H. Davydova found that such children call their parents' love for them, a good attitude towards them in the classroom, the presence of friends and material wealth as a condition for happiness. For example, a small child who stole money at home and bought sweets with it distributes them to other children in order to buy their friendship and favor.
If we draw up a psychological portrait of a stealing child, then first of all, attention is drawn to his benevolence towards others and his openness. Such a child is ready to talk a lot and frankly about himself (of course, theft was not discussed in our conversations). It turns out what kind of insecure, vulnerable children they are, how much they need support and emotional acceptance from loved ones. This is the main trouble, because by their behavior, such children, on the contrary, push others further and further away from themselves, turn them against themselves.
Most of all, the family is angry and annoyed that the child who committed the offense does not seem to understand what he has done, opens up and behaves as if nothing had happened. Such behavior causes resentment and righteous anger in adults: if he stole, repent, ask for forgiveness, and then we will try to improve relations. And the child pretends that nothing "terrible" has happened. As a result, a wall grows between him and his loved ones. To his parents, he appears to be a monster incapable of repentance.
Such thefts are not aimed at enrichment or revenge; most often the child is almost unaware of what he has done. To the angry question of relatives: "Why did you take someone else's?" - he answers quite sincerely: "I do not know." But adults need to understand: theft is a cry for help, a child's attempt to reach them.
In her article "Theft" T.V. Snegireva says that it is the child, deprived of love, deprived of a sense of emotional well-being in the family, rejected and misunderstood by loved ones buried in their problems, who commits the theft. “The symbolic language of theft, causing damage to our loved ones in those most sensitive points where for many today their“ highest values \u200b\u200b”are concentrated - material well-being, things that embody everyday and spiritual comfort, objectifying different aspects of our personality, money, without which “We cannot live”, children let us know how bad they are and how we are to blame before them.
Theft can be a way of self-affirmation, which is also evidence of the child's trouble. In this way he wants to attract attention, win the favor of someone (with various treats or beautiful things). He needs to feel his own importance, but he has no other opportunities, he does not know other ways. A child who does not find support and understanding in the family may start stealing outside the family.
Here are two examples of thefts committed by second graders at school. In the first case, the boy stole "badly lying" toys and money. But he did not use them, but hid them in a secluded place, which was later discovered by the teacher. This behavior was like revenge, as if he wanted to punish the people around him. In the process of psychological work with him and his family, it became clear that not everything is well at home. Family relationships were cold, alienated, physical punishment was practiced. The child could not count on support in a difficult situation, even his success was formally rejoiced: he meets the standards and is good. All incentives were reduced to material, money was given or some thing was bought. The relationship between the parents was tense, apparently with frequent conflicts and recriminations. Neither father nor mother loved the older sister (by the way, very gifted and capable), considering her the reason for their unsuccessful family and professional life. This was made clear to me by my mother, who said during one of the conversations: "If it were not for her, I would not have started living with this person, but would have taken up an interesting business." The boy was also capable, well-read, observant. But in the class he was not popular, he had only one friend, in relation to whom the boy occupied a dominant position: he thought of what to do, he was the main thing in games. In general, it seemed that the boy did not know how to communicate on equal terms, he could not establish friendly relations with his peers, and relations with teachers did not work out either. It was felt that he was drawn to people, he was lonely, but he could not communicate with them. His relationship with others was based on fear, submission, even with his sister, they were allies in resisting parental coldness, and not loving relatives. He committed theft at home to annoy his parents, and at school - to his classmates, so that he was not the only one who felt bad. Unfortunately, the only benefit that this boy’s mother saw in conversations with a psychologist was that they were consulted completely free of charge (although the family could well afford paid consultations).
A teacher told me about another case. In her class, pens, pencil cases, textbooks began to disappear from the children, and they were looked for in the boy's portfolio, among the teachers who had a reputation as a bully, but popular among classmates. The most interesting thing is that he himself found the missing things in his knapsack and with genuine surprise reported about the find to those around him. He answered all questions with sincere bewilderment that he did not understand how these things came to him. The teacher did not know what to think. Why would this boy steal things from the guys, and then pretend to be surprised to find them in himself? Once, when all the guys were in physical education, looking into an empty classroom, the teacher saw the following picture. The girl, freed from physical education, collected various things from the desks and hid them in the briefcase for this boy. The girl, the youngest in the class, entered school as a child prodigy, but from the very beginning she began to experience great difficulties in learning. The parents took the position that “study is not the most important thing,” and believed that the teachers were too picky about their daughter. The girl's relationship in the class also did not work out, she claimed to be the main roles, but she had no authority with her classmates, she often quarreled with them. She was afraid of teachers and told them that she forgot her notebook or diary when she was threatened with a bad grade. One can only guess about the motives for such theft. Perhaps, having no status in the class, the girl tried to assert herself in this way. Only she knew the truth about these mysterious disappearances, and this secret made her more significant in her own eyes. In addition, at the same time, she took revenge on that boy who, despite lame discipline and problems with teachers, was successful in school and in friendship. By “substituting” him, she apparently hoped to discredit him in the eyes of those around her.
Both of these cases require the intervention of a psychologist, and the work should be carried out primarily with the parents, since it is they who must recognize the need to change their attitude towards the child and change themselves. All that teachers and school psychologists could do for these children was, desperate to reach out to their relatives, to ensure a benevolent attitude towards them on their part and help them to make friends with classmates and raise their status.
An emotionally dysfunctional child can commit the first theft in early childhood, when his moral ideas have not yet been formed and volitional regulation of behavior has not been developed. The parents' reaction to such an act is usually the same - the child will either be severely scolded or simply beaten. By following the path of condemnation and punishment, adults thereby consolidate the child's reputation as a thief. Even if this offense was the only one, relatives already see the imprint of depravity on the child, expecting that it will be even worse, and if the child stumbles, they almost exclaim with relief: “This is it, please! We knew that everything will be so, what else can you expect from him ?! " One gets the impression that he is being pushed into unlawful behavior.
If instead of support and help, aggression and misunderstanding are shown, this negatively affects the further development of the child's personality.
In my practice, there was such a case. At the age of five, a boy stole money from his mother's wallet at the age of five (perhaps he thought it was common money) and bought sweets and gum, which he treated all his friends. The theft was "revealed", to all inquiries the boy replied that he had found the money. For lies and theft he was beaten with a belt on his hands with a story that in ancient times thieves were chopped off their hand. (By the way, such a moralizing can lead a child to the conclusion - steal, but don't get caught.) This story was continued in adolescence. The boy had a stepfather - a business man. And now quite large sums of money began to disappear from the house (you can't spend so much on candy alone), and somehow a box of soda disappeared ( his stepfather was the owner of the store and often kept the goods at home.) Naturally, all suspicion fell on the boy, who after that childhood incident had a bad reputation among his family, and besides, once without permission he took his stepfather's computer disks to give to classmates. that he took the disks, he confessed, but from others he denied the loss in every possible way, he was especially offended by the accusations of theft of goods.All relatives and stepfather were opposed to the boy, there was also his uncle, who worked part-time I was in my stepfather's store and often spent the night at their house; after one of these nights, a wallet disappeared from a bag. The stepfather said that he could not live in the same house with the thief, and went to his relatives. Relatives predicted a terrible future for the boy, they said that he destroyed the life of the family. Only his mother was on the boy's side, but she doubted how much he could be trusted. It soon became clear that it was not the boy who took the money and the goods, but his uncle, who was let down by greed. He did everything to divert suspicions from himself, even “robbed” himself. But when he again needed money, he, already living with the owner from his relatives, stole it, not thinking that he would not be able to blame this theft on his nephew. Everything was revealed, justice was done. But with regard to the child's soul, the law "better late than never" does not work. And no one can say what irreparable damage was caused to the personality of a teenager by unfair accusations, a situation when everyone, except for his mother (which, however, is already a lot), were opposed to him, when they did not believe him. Sometimes even one conversation on this topic is enough to engender an inferiority complex in a child, which will poison his life.
The child really wants to have this thing
This is perhaps the most mysterious type of theft. The true reasons for the theft are incomprehensible neither to psychologists, nor to the thieves themselves. Sometimes no one knows about such thefts until the “thief” himself, having already become an adult, tells about an episode of his childhood. Such thefts most often have no consequences, they usually do not repeat. They are distinguished by some features. First, the age of the thief can be different; both a preschooler and a teenager can commit such a theft. Secondly, the child perfectly understands that he is doing wrong, but the power of the temptation is so great that he cannot resist. Thirdly, such a child has already sufficiently formed moral ideas, so he realizes that, following his desires, he harms another person; but he finds various excuses for his action.
My grandmother is an example of honesty and decency, she told me the following incident from her childhood. When she was five years old, she came with her parents to visit her godmother. While the adults talked, she played with the owner's daughter, who had many beautiful toys. Most of all she liked the little clay toy bowl, which was like a real one. This bowl gave birth to an irresistible desire in the soul of a five-year-old girl to have such a toy. Realizing that she was doing wrong, but comforting herself with the thought that the owner's daughter had many other beautiful toys and that the loss would not even be noticed, she put the bowl in her dress pocket and took it home. At home, this bowl has become a source of pride, strongly standing out among other, "poor" toys. In this bowl, she and her friends cooked soup for dolls, and a large copper nut played the role of a kerosene stove. Nobody found out about this act until the grandmother told about it herself many years later. She did not do anything like this again, and, according to her confession, remorse for that incident did not torment her.
Children's writer V.P. Krapivin, in his autobiographical story Once Upon a Time, tells about a similar episode from his childhood. At the age of ten, he stole a horn holder from the pioneer room. The bugle was in their courtyard company something like a war trumpet, but without the mouthpiece it really didn't work out. In addition, by "carelessly laying out" the obtained mouthpiece, he would have contributed to the growth of his authority among the guys. These considerations, the fact that there were several mouthpieces, and the fact that if she had asked the counselor for a mouthpiece, she would have refused, led to the fact that "the hands worked by themselves", and the conscience "did not scratch." I don't think he ever did anything like this in his life, it was the only unsurpassable temptation of this kind.
The heroes of such situations are like a person who climbed into a strange garden to eat some fruit - who has not happened to? From the owner will not lose, but I really really want to. At the same time, the person does not think that he is doing something reprehensible, although, of course, he would be very embarrassed if he was caught "at the scene of the crime." And most likely he is unhappy with the idea that someone could encroach on his property in the same way.
Such actions do not always go unpunished. Sometimes, accidentally caught, a child can pay very seriously and for a long time for momentary weakness. It's about "sticking labels".
Serious consequences
The heroine of Dina Rubina's story "The House Behind the Green Gate" also could not resist the temptation. An eight-year-old girl took private music lessons. Once she found several lipstick "cartridges" on the teacher's windowsill, she could not resist and took one, realizing that it is impossible to take someone else's without asking - it means stealing. But she really liked the "beautiful" female profile, embossed on the cover of the "cartridge". In addition, she justified herself by the fact that the teacher had many such pieces (seven or eight). The next time the girl took lipstick again, and the third time she was caught red-handed. The teacher was horrified, suggesting that the girl was sick with kleptomania, and wrote a note to her mother, where she reported the theft and asked for compensation for material damage. The girl was very worried, although her mother did not scold her, she was simply surprised why her daughter needed lipstick.
“We didn’t manage to talk about the dangers of theft. It seems that my mother still told my father this story, I don't remember anymore, this is not the main thing.
The main thing was that for many years in a row after this incident, even in my youth, I continued to carry within me the terrible secret of my depravity. And when in front of me someone told me that somewhere someone had been robbed and taken away three thousand worth of valuables, every time I shuddered internally and thought: "But I, too ... is like that ..." And I was afraid when I left alone in someone else's apartment for at least a minute. I was afraid that the mysterious count's disease [I mean kleptomania] would wake up in me. "
Such a terrible charge of self-contempt was conveyed to me by a soft, lazy woman who excellently played Beethoven's elegant piece "Elise".
I think comments are unnecessary here.
Remember the boy from the story "Cucumbers", about which we have already spoken. Probably, the worst thing for him was not his mother's anger, not fear of the watchman and his gun, but the realization that he had done something that made his mother no longer love him. Well at least my mother left him the opportunity to atone for his guilt, otherwise the effects of despair and hopelessness would have been fatal to the child's soul. They would destroy self-confidence, create a sense of their own depravity in the child. Working with such a child is extremely difficult, and such a wound may never heal. By the way, in the process of discussing this story, the children themselves believe that their mother did the right thing, in her place they would have behaved the same way. Such categoricalness indicates that, having found themselves in a similar situation, they will sincerely think that they no longer deserve parental love.
Caregivers, teachers and parents alike must be very careful when faced with child theft. By making this offense public, they will cement the child's reputation as a thief. This, of course, will affect not only his self-esteem, but also his relationships with others.
N.I. Gutkina writes that a child who remains in isolation will find the necessary communication for himself “among those children (more often older than him), in whom his act will not cause condemnation, but, on the contrary, will allow him to take a certain position in their circle. To prevent these new friends from turning away from him, he will have to live by their laws. Thus, he can take the path of deliberate theft. "
What to do?
Psychologists give a number of recommendations on how to behave for parents who have caught a child of stealing. Be extremely careful, be sensitive, remember that this is not a recidivist thief, but your son or daughter. In a hurry, giving vent to your indignation, you can ruin the child's life, deprive him of the right to a good attitude from others, and thereby also self-confidence. The heroine of D. Rubina grew up to be a decent person, but notorious, "a charge of self-contempt", apparently, greatly interfered with her life.
Never accuse a child of stealing, even if there is no one else besides him. If the child is not “caught by the hand,” regardless of any suspicion, remember the presumption of innocence. An exception is when you find a child at the scene of a crime, but in this case, choose expressions. Let him know how upset you are about what happened, but don't label him. Calm conversation, discussion of your feelings, joint search for a solution to the problem is better to clarify the relationship, "calling things by their proper names."
Try to find a way out of this situation together. Remember this should be a joint decision, not your order.
The child must be taught to take the place of another, he must be able to empathize, think about the feelings of others. It is necessary to acquaint him with the rule: "Do as you want to be treated with you", explaining its meaning with examples from real life. In general, a confidential conversation with a child is the best prevention of possible difficulties. Discuss his problems, tell about yours. It will be especially good if you share your own experiences with the child, tell them what feelings you experienced in a similar situation. The child will feel your sincere desire to understand him, friendly lively participation.
His activity, which has nothing to do with it, would be good to send "to a peaceful channel": find out what your child is really interested in (playing sports, art, collecting any collection, certain books, photographing, etc.) than before you do it, the better. A person whose life is filled with interesting activities for him feels more confident. He does not need to draw attention to himself, he will definitely have at least one friend.
The child needs to be responsible for someone or something in the family - for the younger brother, for the presence of fresh bread in the house, for a pet, for watering flowers and certainly, starting from 7-8 years old, for his own briefcase, table, room and so on. Gradually hand over things to him, share responsibility with him.
The stolen item must be returned to the owner, but it is not necessary to force the child to do it on their own, you can go with him. He needs to feel that everyone has a right to support.
If you are sure that the child took the thing, but it is difficult for him to admit it, tell him that it can be quietly put in place. For example, the following move is suitable for small children: “We have a brownie at home, apparently. It was he who stole this and that. Let's set him a treat, he will grow kinder and return us the loss. " In general, leave your child with escape routes. Psychologist Le Shan in the book "If a child drives you crazy" advises, having discovered in a child someone else's toy that he stole from a friend, but claims that it was presented to him, tell him the following: "I can imagine how much you wanted a doll if you really believed that you were given it. "
The reason for stealing can be not only an attempt to assert itself or a weak will, but also the example of friends, the so-called theft "for the company". At a young age, it is often enough for a child to explain that he is doing wrong, and to protect him from communication with children inciting him to do bad deeds. In adolescence, everything is much more serious. The child chooses his own friends, and your assurances that they are not suitable for him can produce the exact opposite effect. The child will move away from you and begin to hide with whom and how he spends time. The company of our children is a special topic of conversation, but I will still give one piece of advice. You need to know all of your child's friends, especially if you are afraid of negative influence from them. Invite them home, get to know their parents if possible. Most importantly, unobtrusively create an acceptable social circle for the child, you need to take care of this while the child is still small. It can be the children of your friends, his classmates, any club, circle, section, in a word, any society that brings together people with similar interests and friendly attitude to each other.
The most alarming cases of theft that go outside the home or are repeated repeatedly, and of all age categories, the most problematic is adolescence. When a child steals a lot, it becomes a bad habit. If a teenager steals, this is a character trait.
A child caught in a situation of misunderstanding, rejection, may become embittered, his thefts may already have a completely different - criminal meaning. At first it will be an attempt to take revenge on the offenders, to feel superior to them, and then it may become a way to satisfy material needs.
Children's problems against the background of our adults often look funny, far-fetched, not worthy of attention, but the child does not think so. For him, many situations may seem hopeless. Do not forget about this and often remember your childhood and your childhood problems.
A child can take money, because a "debt" is demanded from him, but he is ashamed to admit it, he could have lost someone's thing, and now it must be given back. There can be many reasons. You will say: why did he not come and tell me everything? Think, is it easy to find sympathy and help from you, can he count on your attention and understanding, is he not afraid of you, maybe you have already done everything to become the last of those to whom he will come with his misfortune?
Why are they stealing?
Speaking about the problems of theft, one cannot but touch upon the question: what is capable of keeping a child from it?
First of all, the answer is that the reasons or considerations that make the child refrain from stealing must be exactly the opposite of those that induce it to commit. First, those children who have sufficiently developed will and moral ideas will not steal. Secondly, those who know how to restrain their desires. Thirdly, emotionally successful children.
Very often you can hear the opinion that most people are deterred from committing crimes (including theft) only because of the fear of imminent punishment. I suggested to the students of the first and second grades a situation: “Boy Vitya was delightedly looking at the ripe apples in the neighboring garden, but did not give in to his friend's persuasion to go and pick apples. Vitya saw how one day this friend was caught by a neighbor and punished rather severely. " After that, I asked the guys why their peer did not go to steal apples for the company with a friend who insistently called him. 27% of the respondents said that for fear of punishment, 39% - because they sympathized with the one whom they were going to rob, 34% - for moral reasons (it is shameful, it is not good to steal, etc.). The results of this small survey (total of students responded) show that fear of retaliation is not the only and significant reason that keeps 7-8-year-olds from stealing.
In my opinion, the one who is afraid of punishment is more likely to commit theft than the one who understands that he does not need it. After all, sooner or later a person may find himself in a situation that would guarantee him one hundred percent confidence in his own impunity, and then there will be no restraining factors.
Throughout life, a person's moral ideas are tested for strength. An adult says, "I don't steal because I don't need it." This is his moral principle. In my favorite fairy tale "Aibolit" as a child, the parrot Carudo stole the key to the dungeon from Barmaley in order to save his friends. In my childish opinion, it is an act of risk and admiration. As an adult, we can understand and justify someone who steals from despair in order to save their loved ones (for example, from hunger). But we cannot be justified by "rummaging" in other people's bags and pockets, or attempts to cash in on someone else's expense.
All this you need to be ready to explain to your children. But the most important thing is what example we set for them by our behavior.
Do we have the right
Reading lectures, demanding honesty and decency from our children is our right. But do we always have it in reality? Is it not too easy for us adults to violate the norms that we expect a child to fulfill unquestioningly?
Someone does not think it is shameful to bring from work a pack of paper or something else: "There is a lot of this stuff there." Someone without remorse can "read" a library book or a book of his friends: "We need it more, but they are unlikely to miss it." Someone is not ashamed to bring home something tasty from a buffet table, and grab a piece of soap or a towel from the hotel as a keepsake. Someone can safely give another child a toy of his son or daughter, without even asking their permission, justifying himself by the fact that he earns on all these things. True, forgetting at the same time that he repeated many times to a child who had scattered or stained toys: "These are your things, you are responsible for them!" (I wonder how much and for how long we will swear if a child gives someone our favorite perfume or a pen.)
We are not ashamed of these actions and can easily justify ourselves. But why don't we think about what example we set for our children? In their eyes, we become hypocrites, preaching one thing and doing something completely different. And after that it is completely useless to try to explain to the child what private property is and why it is not good to take someone else's property.
Arguments like “everyone in our country steals” or “these are trifles” are not an excuse for them. Over time, they will either cease to respect us, or follow our example, perhaps not being limited to "little things". Then it will be too late to think.
Of course, I'm exaggerating, but only slightly.
Finally, I would like to touch upon one more important point related to the problem of child theft. Theft is such a phenomenon of our life, with which the child will sooner or later have to get acquainted, no matter how hard you try to protect him from such troubles. Do not try to pretend that this phenomenon does not exist.
In life, every child is faced with theft - either they will steal something from his pocket, or they will cheat in the store, or they will be called to climb into the neighboring garden. And every parent should be ready for the question: “Why can't this be done? Why do others do this and nothing? "
Having become a victim of thieves for the first time, a child can experience this very painfully. He will consider himself guilty for what happened, he will be very unpleasant, even disgusting (many robbed people talked about the feeling of disgust as the main reaction to what happened to them). The child may even stop trusting people; in all strangers he will see thieves. He may want to repay those around him in kind, and for him this will be a kind of revenge.
Explain to your child that bad people are everywhere. (For me personally, it was a shock when I was robbed at the Lenin Library. Then I was told that it is a common occurrence there.) Discuss the problem of theft with your child, express your attitude to it, teach him not only to respect other people's property, but also to protect your possessions and be vigilant.
The child should know that not all people consider someone else's inviolable.
And most importantly, remember that the first and basic lessons of morality a child receives in the family, observing the behavior of loved ones. Therefore, it depends on you how he grows up.
